Comments | corrakun: 5 traits

corrakun

5 traits

May 31, 2010 20:02

title: 5 traits
author: corrakun
pairing: guy/ natalia
rating: pg
spoilers: end of game/ anime/ etc.
summary: she's bullheaded, elegant, leggy, haughty, and a busybody. that's why he likes her.

( if i don't post it now i never will )

tales of the abyss

Comments 14

(The comment has been removed)

corrakun June 1 2010, 22:26:04 UTC

; ~ ; you have no idea how happy i was to read that. thank you for reading! and commenting!

himehikari June 1 2010, 05:41:56 UTC

*squeals* love this very much! it's perfect!

corrakun June 1 2010, 22:26:23 UTC

THANK YOU, HEENIM! HEHE

himehikari June 1 2010, 22:44:33 UTC

uwaaa someone who likes Abyss and knows Heenim! Hello there! ♥

corrakun June 1 2010, 22:50:06 UTC

that's my line! i had to scroll back up to make sure i didn't write a kpop fic in my sleep, because kpop + abyss are usually two separate entities for me! haha

Thread 7

mellowcandle June 1 2010, 17:36:08 UTC

This is a different take than I'm used to, so it was interesting to read for that alone, and the theme of traits worked really well. The leggy section was my favorite, and I think the lines I liked best were:

Biting back a retort, he apologized and asked, more politely, why she had granted him the honour of being able to experience a Royal Kick.

and

"Even though you can't cook, I like eating your food."

I don't know why, but that second one especially I thought was good. That's love right there, man.

If I have any concrit, it's not anything terribly specific, but some of the sentences were a little long and awkward. I have that same problem myself, so I'm the last one who should talk, but there are a few places where being more concise would help the flow. If you ever start to lose track of what's going on in a sentence, then that's where some editing is needed.

corrakun June 1 2010, 22:42:19 UTC

i... i adore you ㅠ_ㅠ and thank you for actually pointing out the rambling sentences. ones like

In the past few days, she'd cooked up several schemes, all of which she had admitted had been glaringly obvious and silly, and therefore she hadn't acted on any of them, choosing to rely on the former manservant to come up with a suitable plan.had me frowning as i reread them, so i guess that should've been a pretty obvious sign that i needed to rewrite that part haha. the problem was that for some silly reason i'd decided not to outright say "guy" or "natalia" (well, i cheated a bit sometimes, but yeah)... mostly when i went back to edit it i was looking for awkward pronouns. still a bit awkward, but you should've seen it before lol ( ... )

mellowcandle June 2 2010, 21:32:57 UTC

Yeah, that's a good example of a rambly sentence. I'm terrible at rambliness, too, and even when it's pointed out to me, I still can't seem to break the habit.

i figured if i were her (sigh), that would've been what got rid of any reservations to just kiss him.

Heh, yeah, and I loved how she just totally went for it, then told him to get out. That was actually really great.

anonymous June 7 2010, 00:47:25 UTC

you suck at writing dont do it anymore

anonymous June 7 2010, 01:07:40 UTC

lol I think I agree sry2say

mesothelioma news anonymous January 19 2011, 15:36:39 UTC

admissible!it' s damned effective!thx ( ... )