{.009 - Voice Post}
Y'know, I never thought that the noise around - like, the inane chatter, an' all that screaming an' fighting - would sound so nice and real and full of life. I never gave a shit about what others thought, 'cause I only had one goal, no matter who I stepped on or killed. I never even looked so closely at, at how much, how much they would miss me, like, how Elysia would be like, all happy when I came to visit, or how Havoc an' Breda used to drag me into bars an' shit and get me drunk as hell...an' then Mustang would be, like, horrified an' all parenty and send Hawkeye over to the dorms to check up on me. An' then call Winry to scream my ears off and maybe clobber me for not being a responsible - ha! - older brother, but then she'd be all whispery and be glad that 'm okay...I never really thought how nice it felt, that someone, like someone really cared for me, y'know?
And all the times that Al cleaned up after me, the little things he did, like, give me a piggyback ride when I got tired of walking, or when he always made sure there was a pen full of ink nearby when I was researching stuff, or when if the day was too hot an' I kept on going he'd stop me an' say that I should rest...? Even after what I done, he was still there, y'know? 'course,there was the fact that I was the only one who could probably retrieve his body back from the Gate, but still. I was grateful.
I never thought I'd miss them all so much, but then bam! I died, somene resurrected me, and all that shit. The first year was the worst. I couldn't sleep. When I got transferred into a new command, every time I walked into that door I pretty much expected Hawkeye firing off her gun or Fuery fixing the lines or even just that fucking irritating superior smirk that bastard always had on. Every time I went to the library I expected Al to be there at one of the tables an' tell me that I was late and scold me an'...
[muffled sob]
...then it hit me that they were gone because I was stupid enough to fall for the homunculi's tricks and, an'...
An' then I get sucked into this place.
An' then...I...I actually found reasons to keep on living, y'know? Al, oh, he's restored, an' he's all like, Brother, the both of them, but why can't they see that 'm not Ed, the Ed they know, the Ed who isn't reckless an' actually - actually - protected the ones he loved? It was weird seeing dead people talk on an' on and like, tell me it wasn't my fault - which I knew it was, stop lying t' me - but I...'twas nice. Like, I had a second chance or something.
And I used it to hurt them even more.
That's pretty much all I can do. What the hell's wrong with me? I mean...An' they're all like, it's not my fault, but it is. How can't they see that? I don't have a soul, I'm pretty much just a corpse, I sleep around for shits and giggles - don't get me started on that - an', and I'm Pride, for fuck's sake. But they keep on telling me, keep on saying that, that I'm loved in this place. Fuck, even Envy - c'n you believe that? I pretty much fell in love with my most hated enemy - I...he's made being a homunculus worth bearing, y'know? He's all good now, he says, and I want, I want so much to believe him, even Pride does, but I, I...you can never know this, but as Ed, as Edward Elric, I think I love you.
[crying quietly]
Even Rosiel, y'know? Shit, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm happy Pride talked to him. He's batshit insane, I know, I'm not stupid, but...I don't want him to leave. He's the only person I can truly believe that wants me alive. He doesn't know what or how long my litany of sins are - or whatever, I think he does, stupid angel, stupid insane beautiful angel and oh God I can't let you leave me -
Has the sky always been this blue? Or the walls this white, or the people this happy? Had...had I always been happy, in this dream, nightmare, what-the-fuck-ever? Fuck, I know it's a stupid question but I just, I just only noticed it now an', an' - ah! I - I don't - oh God, I didn't - ah! Wait, I never told -
[flumping into pillows]
I'm sorry, I'm so so so sorry - I love you -
[silence]
[connection has timed out]
((OOC) TL;DR: Angst, more angst. As per his granted wish, he shall lose his identity as Ed and become an insane version of his alter-ego, Pride (Not that he's already crazy, but still.). The spell has caught him just after he realized he didn't want to go through it, and the spell's power has knocked him out. Any and all replies to this entry will be made after Pride wakes up.)