charades
Title: charades
Pairing: jaesu
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst
Disclaimer: This is fiction.
Summary: Kim Junsu is brilliant at being Xiah. He works hard, he seldom complains, and he never makes mistakes.
A/N: Dedicated to Linh, Aaina, Kali, and TBK. Special thanks to waterpulse for helping me out with it when I was otherwise lost. I love you ~
charades
i.
They introduce the new trainee when dance practice ends. He is a frail young boy with too-large eyes, plump red lips, and jet black hair that is cropped awkwardly short; strange features that somehow wind together to form a beautiful - almost ethereal - face that meets and surpasses all of their expectations.
Imagine what he’ll look like after the makeover, one of them whispers in awe.
He bows customarily, please take care of me, and they all crowd around like vultures to examine the new blood.
As the star trainee, as his sunbae, Junsu wants to be nice, wants to be welcoming, wants to show him the ropes and be his friend, but Jaejoong’s stare is blank.
ii.
For the first time in his life, Junsu feels his heart beat out of time.
Jaejoong is careless and he is clumsy. He cannot dance and he cannot act and he cannot afford to wear anything but rags, but when he sings, none of that matters. When Jaejoong sings, he sings with his soul and he shines like a star.
Jaejoong’s voice is perfect - strong, stable, unbroken. It has just the right sound, just the right texture, and just.
Congratulations, Junsu offers. Jaejoong is the lead singer.
Jaejoong is lead singer; Yunho is the dancer; Yoochun is the rapper; Changmin is the maknae; and Junsu - Junsu is the boy who trained the longest, the most well-rounded, the one with the best control, the best stamina and the most precise dancing. Junsu is -
Junsu is nothing.
Thanks, Jaejoong grins back.
-
I don’t care, he responds easily when his hyung asks after a game of soccer. It is just a job, he reasons as he lets the ball roll out onto the field. It is not like any of the other stuff matters as long as he gets to sing.
iii.
Junsu does not recognize it, but it is there, buried deep under the thickening layers of skin he has grown while adapting to this new world, growing slowly, silently, like a cavity. Playing soccer with Yunho is like playing with his hyung, and joking around with Yoochun reminds him of his best friend. He does not want to think about losing his favourite people in the world to distance, and when he is with his band members, he does not have to.
He does not acknowledge it when asked, but he holds Yunho and Yoochun just a little bit closer to his heart than the others.
-
Jaejoong’s hair is sprinkled with sweat, and it sparkles like a halo under the blinding hot spotlights. He shoots the cameras a glowing smile as he runs his hand through the glistening strands, and it falls back into place effortlessly. The fans go wild. Jaejoong basks in the attention, laughing as he dances, and his hair swings joyfully with the rhythm.
Jaejoong is magnetic - Yunho’s half, Yoochun’s soulmate, Changmin’s buddy, and the fans’ favorite.
At best, Junsu is second choice.
-
Junsu builds a bridge and crosses it.
iv.
I want to be like Junsu, Jaejoong confesses to the cameras, hiding his embarrassment behind his hands. Junsu scoffs, but he watches on anyway, mesmerized by the joyful look in his hyung’s eyes and the affection in his voice.
He has everything that I don’t.
Nothing.
Nothing, nothing, nothing.
But the gesture is genuine, real, and when Junsu is alone, he cries so hard it shatters his heart.
v.
Blood red blood red blood red blood.
It spills from his mouth like a beautiful song, and the tears that follow are tainted with bitterness because after all the painful diets, all he had wanted was a taste of the past.
Jaejoong is kneeling beside him, oh no, Junsu, shit shit shit, Junsu, are you okay, face morphed into something that betrays concern and guilt and shock and fear all at once, because that had come from his pile of presents (the fans always send him more), and he had been complacent.
Junsu thinks it is okay when he sees that face.
He is fine. He will recover. He is glad he took the fall because otherwise it would have been Jaejoong and it cannot be Jaejoong because Jaejoong is real when everything is not, Jaejoong cares a bit too much, Jaejoong’s voice is perfect and it absolutely cannot be tainted.
-
A few weeks later, Jaejoong starts smoking.
It burns.
vi.
Junsu abandons his dignity for an image that is three parts him and two parts not, and they eat it up like a fairytale, swallow it whole and ask for more.
They call him cute. They call him stupid, clueless and gullible, and he plays along like a puppet, because he remembers Yunho’s confession from long ago, that giving in to what they want is easier than being true to who you are.
And he is right.
He may be called a god, but that is a blinking neon lie. He is not a god or an angel, or even a human being. He is a toy - a pretty little plastic doll, handcrafted specially for this particular breed of entertainment and placed on exhibition for the entire continent with a gigantic label reading ‘for sale’, and everyone adores the product, but no one wants to see the boy behind the mask.
-
The first time Jaejoong omits his name from the group cheer, it is an honest mistake. Jaejoong is Jaejoong and he really did forget. But it drives the fans insane, and next time, everyone knows it is not an accident when Yoochun skips him too. It becomes a running gag, and each time, the red rises from his chest and up his neck until it settles in his mind at a gentle simmer.
-
Junsu’s biggest strength is knowing how to laugh when he really wants to cry.
vii.
Junsu dreams that he lives in a house of horrors, filled with little green monsters and ghosts of his past, gigantic mirrors with glinting eyes and evil smiles that mock all of his insecurities, laughing louder and louder and louder until they split; shatter into tiny little shards that pierce through his skin and cut to the bone.
Junsu wants to escape, but he cannot find the way out.
He runs himself deeper into the maze, and his shirt is soaked with blood and sweat, and they can track the scent of his fear from miles away. He runs and he runs and he runs and he runs, until he finds that he is lost, is running in circles, and his muscles are screaming from exertion and he wants to give up, wants to surrender, but Junsu is not a quitter. So instead he hides - he hides and he prays to God that these monsters go away, that they never find him.
But they will find him.
They can hear him, he knows, because his breathe comes out in sharp little pants that he cannot seem to stop - that only grow more and more erratic when he has his hands tangled in raven black hair, caressing it, raking through and holding it tight as he makes love to a mouth that echoes sounds of love like a siren’s call, that sings to him about all his hopes and dreams - happiness, friendship, romance, - that takes his hands, leads him to a new world and shows him how to live on the edge before laughing in his face and pushing him over.
-
Jaejoong is lying on his side, arm hooked under his head as he watches Junsu with sad eyes that scream let me in, as if he wants to know, wants to look inside, wants to crack open his mind and really understand. He lifts a tentative hand to Junsu’s face and brushes a strand of hair from his eye. Jaejoong wants to try, but Junsu is like tinted glass - private - and Jaejoong only sees what Junsu wants him to see.
-
A sleepy smile, I love you, hyung, and Jaejoong is easily pacified.
-
(Junsu always gives his audience exactly what it wants.)
-
/end.
Pairing: jaesu
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst
Disclaimer: This is fiction.
Summary: Kim Junsu is brilliant at being Xiah. He works hard, he seldom complains, and he never makes mistakes.
A/N: Dedicated to Linh, Aaina, Kali, and TBK. Special thanks to waterpulse for helping me out with it when I was otherwise lost. I love you ~
charades
i.
They introduce the new trainee when dance practice ends. He is a frail young boy with too-large eyes, plump red lips, and jet black hair that is cropped awkwardly short; strange features that somehow wind together to form a beautiful - almost ethereal - face that meets and surpasses all of their expectations.
Imagine what he’ll look like after the makeover, one of them whispers in awe.
He bows customarily, please take care of me, and they all crowd around like vultures to examine the new blood.
As the star trainee, as his sunbae, Junsu wants to be nice, wants to be welcoming, wants to show him the ropes and be his friend, but Jaejoong’s stare is blank.
ii.
For the first time in his life, Junsu feels his heart beat out of time.
Jaejoong is careless and he is clumsy. He cannot dance and he cannot act and he cannot afford to wear anything but rags, but when he sings, none of that matters. When Jaejoong sings, he sings with his soul and he shines like a star.
Jaejoong’s voice is perfect - strong, stable, unbroken. It has just the right sound, just the right texture, and just.
Congratulations, Junsu offers. Jaejoong is the lead singer.
Jaejoong is lead singer; Yunho is the dancer; Yoochun is the rapper; Changmin is the maknae; and Junsu - Junsu is the boy who trained the longest, the most well-rounded, the one with the best control, the best stamina and the most precise dancing. Junsu is -
Junsu is nothing.
Thanks, Jaejoong grins back.
-
I don’t care, he responds easily when his hyung asks after a game of soccer. It is just a job, he reasons as he lets the ball roll out onto the field. It is not like any of the other stuff matters as long as he gets to sing.
iii.
Junsu does not recognize it, but it is there, buried deep under the thickening layers of skin he has grown while adapting to this new world, growing slowly, silently, like a cavity. Playing soccer with Yunho is like playing with his hyung, and joking around with Yoochun reminds him of his best friend. He does not want to think about losing his favourite people in the world to distance, and when he is with his band members, he does not have to.
He does not acknowledge it when asked, but he holds Yunho and Yoochun just a little bit closer to his heart than the others.
-
Jaejoong’s hair is sprinkled with sweat, and it sparkles like a halo under the blinding hot spotlights. He shoots the cameras a glowing smile as he runs his hand through the glistening strands, and it falls back into place effortlessly. The fans go wild. Jaejoong basks in the attention, laughing as he dances, and his hair swings joyfully with the rhythm.
Jaejoong is magnetic - Yunho’s half, Yoochun’s soulmate, Changmin’s buddy, and the fans’ favorite.
At best, Junsu is second choice.
-
Junsu builds a bridge and crosses it.
iv.
I want to be like Junsu, Jaejoong confesses to the cameras, hiding his embarrassment behind his hands. Junsu scoffs, but he watches on anyway, mesmerized by the joyful look in his hyung’s eyes and the affection in his voice.
He has everything that I don’t.
Nothing.
Nothing, nothing, nothing.
But the gesture is genuine, real, and when Junsu is alone, he cries so hard it shatters his heart.
v.
Blood red blood red blood red blood.
It spills from his mouth like a beautiful song, and the tears that follow are tainted with bitterness because after all the painful diets, all he had wanted was a taste of the past.
Jaejoong is kneeling beside him, oh no, Junsu, shit shit shit, Junsu, are you okay, face morphed into something that betrays concern and guilt and shock and fear all at once, because that had come from his pile of presents (the fans always send him more), and he had been complacent.
Junsu thinks it is okay when he sees that face.
He is fine. He will recover. He is glad he took the fall because otherwise it would have been Jaejoong and it cannot be Jaejoong because Jaejoong is real when everything is not, Jaejoong cares a bit too much, Jaejoong’s voice is perfect and it absolutely cannot be tainted.
-
A few weeks later, Jaejoong starts smoking.
It burns.
vi.
Junsu abandons his dignity for an image that is three parts him and two parts not, and they eat it up like a fairytale, swallow it whole and ask for more.
They call him cute. They call him stupid, clueless and gullible, and he plays along like a puppet, because he remembers Yunho’s confession from long ago, that giving in to what they want is easier than being true to who you are.
And he is right.
He may be called a god, but that is a blinking neon lie. He is not a god or an angel, or even a human being. He is a toy - a pretty little plastic doll, handcrafted specially for this particular breed of entertainment and placed on exhibition for the entire continent with a gigantic label reading ‘for sale’, and everyone adores the product, but no one wants to see the boy behind the mask.
-
The first time Jaejoong omits his name from the group cheer, it is an honest mistake. Jaejoong is Jaejoong and he really did forget. But it drives the fans insane, and next time, everyone knows it is not an accident when Yoochun skips him too. It becomes a running gag, and each time, the red rises from his chest and up his neck until it settles in his mind at a gentle simmer.
-
Junsu’s biggest strength is knowing how to laugh when he really wants to cry.
vii.
Junsu dreams that he lives in a house of horrors, filled with little green monsters and ghosts of his past, gigantic mirrors with glinting eyes and evil smiles that mock all of his insecurities, laughing louder and louder and louder until they split; shatter into tiny little shards that pierce through his skin and cut to the bone.
Junsu wants to escape, but he cannot find the way out.
He runs himself deeper into the maze, and his shirt is soaked with blood and sweat, and they can track the scent of his fear from miles away. He runs and he runs and he runs and he runs, until he finds that he is lost, is running in circles, and his muscles are screaming from exertion and he wants to give up, wants to surrender, but Junsu is not a quitter. So instead he hides - he hides and he prays to God that these monsters go away, that they never find him.
But they will find him.
They can hear him, he knows, because his breathe comes out in sharp little pants that he cannot seem to stop - that only grow more and more erratic when he has his hands tangled in raven black hair, caressing it, raking through and holding it tight as he makes love to a mouth that echoes sounds of love like a siren’s call, that sings to him about all his hopes and dreams - happiness, friendship, romance, - that takes his hands, leads him to a new world and shows him how to live on the edge before laughing in his face and pushing him over.
-
Jaejoong is lying on his side, arm hooked under his head as he watches Junsu with sad eyes that scream let me in, as if he wants to know, wants to look inside, wants to crack open his mind and really understand. He lifts a tentative hand to Junsu’s face and brushes a strand of hair from his eye. Jaejoong wants to try, but Junsu is like tinted glass - private - and Jaejoong only sees what Junsu wants him to see.
-
A sleepy smile, I love you, hyung, and Jaejoong is easily pacified.
-
(Junsu always gives his audience exactly what it wants.)
-
/end.