I miss you Sage. I've been so sad ever since you left. Because you're gone, yes, but more because it doesn't feel that different then it has for the last couple months. I hate that. There has been so much that I've wanted to say to you, so much I've wanted to tell you about what's going on with me that I haven't been able to. It would have made it easier for you to understand why I have been doing the things that have torn apart our bond if I could have told you. Now I'm not sure what there is to say. I've learned the lesson that comes along with plastering yourself to someone's side, especially someone as dependent on me as the boy who you know I'm talking about. I thought that it would give me an outlet for my thoughts, not that I needed one with you...but instead it's made me turn into myself even more. I'm surprised at how self sufficient I've become, although I doubt it looks that way to anyone else. I'm not even sure if I really remember how to talk to someone about something that matters anymore. There's been so much I've been
( ... )
It's so hard to believe it won't be like it was. I know it can't be the same...but at least similar would be nice. You had no greed for romantic relationship, it was me. I naively thought that I truly could juggle two relationships as intense as the one I have with Elliot and the one I had with you. A bond can't be sweet no matter how sweet it's intentions, if it causes extreme devastation to other relationships, especially ones that should last through anything thrown at it. After a certain point in process, it was so much easier to give up, to force myself to be happy with what I had, to push any thoughts of missing what I had away, to hide under a blanket of denial and anger I hid from everyone, even myself at times. I've never wanted any of the harsh side affects that came from such a heavy relationship. I just haven't, and don't, know how to pull myself out of the cycle without causing more damage then I've already caused.
Comments 3
Reply
Reply
Reply
Leave a comment