Where do I start?
I guess I start by saying that I will soon be a single mom again.
I'm cutting because this is long...
In the wee hours of the morning yesterday, my husband decided that while in an alcoholic stupor, it was cool to punch me in the eye. This happened after hours upon hours of solid drinking on his part. I have been warning him that his drinking has gotten WAY out of control, but he wouldn't listen. Guess he'll listen now considering he is sitting in a jail cell with nobody willing to bail him out. This is what happens after years and years of drinking too much and having everyone finally get tired of it.
My first marriage was an abusive one and I refuse to let it happen again. He had been told that if he EVER physically hurt me, it would be the first and the last time. He's learning that the hard way.
I'm not going to lie, I am sad that things turned out this way. He was a decent guy when he wasn't drinking, but that wasn't often. I'm saddened that he chose to continue on his path to destruction rather than working on his issues to save the marriage.
So here I sit, still unemployed, with a massive black left eye, looking at a divorce. Again. I have to move because I can't afford this place anymore, plus already got the eviction notice. Had he not spent so much fucking money on his precious alcohol, maybe we could have made the rent this month. Surprisingly, my ex-husband is attempting to help. Granted, he wants me to move back to Iowa, but I can't go back to that shit either. He's sending enough support to help me get a new place that I can actually afford.
There are a lot of programs open to me now that I'm in this situation. Kinda sad that someone has to go through something like this to actually get help. Tried getting assistance before when we were sinking due to his surgery, but nothing.
My attorney will be free of charge. I can get assistance with rent/deposit if I want to fill out a metric fuck-ton of paperwork. I can get health insurance for my daughter. I can actually go get my nursing degree with most of it paid for now.
I'm trying to stay positive. Don't want to cry because it hurts my eye. I'm trying not to worry about him. He has most likely already lost his job since this will be the 2nd day in a row he hasn't shown up or called in. Really not my fault, but yeah, we were married for almost 3 years.
But, this is what happens when someone won't address their addiction issues. When they ignore all the warnings just because they need that buzz. When they have become so selfish and self-centered that loved ones are no longer a concern, but a bother.
What makes this harder is right now I am alone. Emily is still at her dad's, which is probably a good thing. She won't have to see my eye like this. I won't have to explain how it happened. She just knows that we're divorcing. Didn't ask why. Just told me that she loves me and is happy to have me to herself now. I must have done something right with that little girl. She is my world!
I hate this damn feeling in the back of my throat. I don't want to cry. I couldn't bring myself to sleep in my bed because it smells of him. Tobacco and alcohol with a hint of Pantene. Need to get some quarters so I can wash all the bedding. I fell asleep on the "comfy couch" last night around 11-ish. Been awake since 4-ish. I'm tired but my brain won't quit.
It's times like this that I wish my mom and dad were closer. They always make everything better. Still haven't told them. I'm scared to admit yet another failed marriage. If I had the money and a more dependable car I'd go see them. I don't know if I want my mother to see me like this though. She'll assume this has happened before, but it hasn't. The worst thing he's done up until now is bash my past to make his pathetic life seem less pathetic. That's what addicts do. They blame and they hurt the people they love for all the problems. They hurt people with words, which hurts more than a physical blow. They try to kill your self esteem to make them feel better than they are. But only for a moment. With each harsh word they cut a little deeper each time. Twisting and tearing until it's too late. Not realizing we get the last laugh. They keep spiraling down until we finally let go of the rope. They keep falling, we pick ourselves back up and move on.
I'm not saying that I was blameless in the deterioration of our marriage. I can be a bitch. No, really. But I usually have good reason for being that way. I just let things go too far. I put up with way too much. Going without things I wanted so he could continue drinking. I thought drinking with him would help. It only made things worse. The fighting increased. I started feeling bad about myself because I was drinking. So I stopped for the most part. Just a couple nights a week. Which was still too much. After this, I really have not want for the stuff. Some friends came over with beer to try and cheer me up last night, I turned it down. Alcohol is not an upper. It is a depressant. Why the hell would I want something to make me feel worse?
Anyhow, my pug is all snuggled up on my lap right now and it's getting a little uncomfortable. Time to return to the comfy couch and maybe try to get a little more rest. Need to make some phone calls later to find out where I file for divorce. I can't believe I have to go through yet another divorce.
I'm cutting because this is long...
In the wee hours of the morning yesterday, my husband decided that while in an alcoholic stupor, it was cool to punch me in the eye. This happened after hours upon hours of solid drinking on his part. I have been warning him that his drinking has gotten WAY out of control, but he wouldn't listen. Guess he'll listen now considering he is sitting in a jail cell with nobody willing to bail him out. This is what happens after years and years of drinking too much and having everyone finally get tired of it.
My first marriage was an abusive one and I refuse to let it happen again. He had been told that if he EVER physically hurt me, it would be the first and the last time. He's learning that the hard way.
I'm not going to lie, I am sad that things turned out this way. He was a decent guy when he wasn't drinking, but that wasn't often. I'm saddened that he chose to continue on his path to destruction rather than working on his issues to save the marriage.
So here I sit, still unemployed, with a massive black left eye, looking at a divorce. Again. I have to move because I can't afford this place anymore, plus already got the eviction notice. Had he not spent so much fucking money on his precious alcohol, maybe we could have made the rent this month. Surprisingly, my ex-husband is attempting to help. Granted, he wants me to move back to Iowa, but I can't go back to that shit either. He's sending enough support to help me get a new place that I can actually afford.
There are a lot of programs open to me now that I'm in this situation. Kinda sad that someone has to go through something like this to actually get help. Tried getting assistance before when we were sinking due to his surgery, but nothing.
My attorney will be free of charge. I can get assistance with rent/deposit if I want to fill out a metric fuck-ton of paperwork. I can get health insurance for my daughter. I can actually go get my nursing degree with most of it paid for now.
I'm trying to stay positive. Don't want to cry because it hurts my eye. I'm trying not to worry about him. He has most likely already lost his job since this will be the 2nd day in a row he hasn't shown up or called in. Really not my fault, but yeah, we were married for almost 3 years.
But, this is what happens when someone won't address their addiction issues. When they ignore all the warnings just because they need that buzz. When they have become so selfish and self-centered that loved ones are no longer a concern, but a bother.
What makes this harder is right now I am alone. Emily is still at her dad's, which is probably a good thing. She won't have to see my eye like this. I won't have to explain how it happened. She just knows that we're divorcing. Didn't ask why. Just told me that she loves me and is happy to have me to herself now. I must have done something right with that little girl. She is my world!
I hate this damn feeling in the back of my throat. I don't want to cry. I couldn't bring myself to sleep in my bed because it smells of him. Tobacco and alcohol with a hint of Pantene. Need to get some quarters so I can wash all the bedding. I fell asleep on the "comfy couch" last night around 11-ish. Been awake since 4-ish. I'm tired but my brain won't quit.
It's times like this that I wish my mom and dad were closer. They always make everything better. Still haven't told them. I'm scared to admit yet another failed marriage. If I had the money and a more dependable car I'd go see them. I don't know if I want my mother to see me like this though. She'll assume this has happened before, but it hasn't. The worst thing he's done up until now is bash my past to make his pathetic life seem less pathetic. That's what addicts do. They blame and they hurt the people they love for all the problems. They hurt people with words, which hurts more than a physical blow. They try to kill your self esteem to make them feel better than they are. But only for a moment. With each harsh word they cut a little deeper each time. Twisting and tearing until it's too late. Not realizing we get the last laugh. They keep spiraling down until we finally let go of the rope. They keep falling, we pick ourselves back up and move on.
I'm not saying that I was blameless in the deterioration of our marriage. I can be a bitch. No, really. But I usually have good reason for being that way. I just let things go too far. I put up with way too much. Going without things I wanted so he could continue drinking. I thought drinking with him would help. It only made things worse. The fighting increased. I started feeling bad about myself because I was drinking. So I stopped for the most part. Just a couple nights a week. Which was still too much. After this, I really have not want for the stuff. Some friends came over with beer to try and cheer me up last night, I turned it down. Alcohol is not an upper. It is a depressant. Why the hell would I want something to make me feel worse?
Anyhow, my pug is all snuggled up on my lap right now and it's getting a little uncomfortable. Time to return to the comfy couch and maybe try to get a little more rest. Need to make some phone calls later to find out where I file for divorce. I can't believe I have to go through yet another divorce.