Birthday Fic for Slod: Living Will
TITLE: Living Will (or what I kept calling Pushing Altantis for the longest time)
AUTHOR: Caro (barely_bean)
A/N: This is a birthday present for my dearest darling, slodwick. I tried to combine two things you loved. I hope the results are okay with you. Thanks to fox1013 and celli for cheerleading, scribblinlenore and cosmic for beta. Any remaining mistakes are mine.
A/N2: Please see at end of fic for additional notes and warnings.
The story starts-well, actually the story starts nineteen years ago, in a small town of Hounsfield, just outside the city of Watertown, in upstate New York, near Lake Ontario, near the Canadian border. It's a bright summer day, sun is shining, but the air is still not humid. Young John Sheppard is watching out the window as a moving truck pulls up to the house next door. The moving truck is orange with bright yellow lettering, and John watches it with a hopeful air.
John has been living in Hounsfield for two months, eleven hours, and sixteen minutes. He lives here with his father, Colonel John Sheppard, Sr. and his mother, Cecilia Sheppard. He has no siblings or pets.
Of all the places that John has lived in his short life (there have been five so far), Hounsfield is his least favorite. Their house is nice enough, better than the military housing where they'd lived before, but the neighborhood is quiet and lonely, and since school is still a month away, John has yet to make any friends.
On this day, John watches out the window hoping to do just that. He has pestered his mother all morning asking her if she thought the people moving in next door would have any children, until she pointed out that she hadn't met them either and wouldn't John prefer to play in the backyard. John had not. He positioned himself in the living room, hoping to catch a glimpse of the family that was moving in. One hour later, with movers going from truck to house to truck many times, John has gotten tired of watching and decides that he will go outside and investigate it from a closer angle.
Now, this is where the story takes an unexpected turn for John. He is standing at the crosswalk when out of the corner of his eye, he spies something orange and white dart out into the street. There is a screech, a thud, and then a car speeding around the corner, and John is left standing on the sidewalk, staring at what looks like the dead body of a tabby cat.
John has never seen anything dead before so he does what any little boy would. He pokes it. Two things happen at once.
One, someone yells from behind his back, "Hey! Leave my cat alone!" And two, the previously dead cat is no longer dead. In fact, it screeches, springs to its feet and runs in the direction that the yelling is coming from. John turns around to look and comes face to face with a scowling boy with the bluest eyes John has ever seen.
"Hi. I'm John," he says. "Want to be my friend?"
***
John and Meredith McKay would indeed become friends. It is a strange friendship. Meredith McKay ("Rodney. How many times have I told you, my name is Rodney.") is not a boy prone to being agreeable. Very few people in Mere-Rodney's life, including his parents, are particularly fond of him. He even overheard his mother on one occasion remark to John's mother that she hoped the next baby (Rodney's mother was seven months and two weeks pregnant and brought it up in conversation constantly) would be a slight bit easier to deal with than Rodney.
Still, Rodney is smart, a fact he reminds John of constantly.
"No. No. You're doing it all wrong. Jeez, the baby in my mom's tummy could do it better than that."
And he makes John rocket ships that they launch into the sky on sunny afternoons.
"Wow, did you see how far that one went?"
"Hmm. I think we could get it to go further. Let me think about it."
And he has Star Wars to watch on VHS on rainy days.
"You can't be Han Solo *and* a Jedi."
"Sure I can. That way I get to fly the Millennium Falcon and have a lightsaber."
And he lets John ask him questions all day and has an answer to all of them, only calling John an idiot occasionally.
"So, you see, that's why it makes more sense to think about it as mass rather than weight."
"But how much *does* the earth weigh, Rodney?"
For the next three months, five days, and eight hours that John lives in Hounsfield, Meredith Rodney McKay will be the best friend that John has ever had.
***
The first time John's mother dies is a Tuesday morning. Rodney's father dies one minute and 3 seconds later.
The second and final time John's mother dies is two hours later. She watches her son stare out the window once more as the ambulance pulls away from the McKay residence and feels the overwhelming sadness coming from him. Wanting to reassure him, she slips up behind him and squeezes his shoulder, and when this fails to cheer him up, she leans down and presses a kiss to his face.
It would be the last kiss she would ever give him.
***
John's father is transferred shortly after. John goes to say goodbye to Rodney who is sullen and quiet and refuses to meet his eyes, instead clutching Jeannie to his chest. He wants to say "I'm sorry" and "I didn't know what it would do," but the words don’t come out. So instead, he walks over and kisses Jeannie once, on the forehead, and then looks at Rodney, into his blue eyes, and smacks a kiss on his forehead, before he runs away, back to the truck where his father is waiting impatiently.
John doesn't see Rodney again.
Well. Not until nineteen years, three days and seven hours later, when he sits down in a chair.
***
Most people who meet Major John Sheppard end up liking him. He's a friendly guy, the kind of guy you'd ask to be your fifth in the weekly poker game, or play wingman for you when you're trying to talk up a girl.
Yet for a man who is well-liked, John Sheppard has few friends. The few girls he dates say he's a nice guy but hard to get to know. Also, they're put off by the way he never touches them, unless they're having sex. He gets married once, but it doesn't work out. He has a hard time forming social attachments. He worries about his secret, worries about watching people he loves die. After Afghanistan, after bringing Holland back to life and then having to let him die again, after the black mark, John decides that he's okay with a lonely life in the white stretch of snow that is Antarctica.
Life, however, has other plans for him.
***
Precisely five minutes and thirty-three seconds after General O'Neill tells him not to touch anything, the Major sits down in what looks like a chair and feels the universe open up to him. He's not sure what to do or how to get it to stop, but when he hears a voice say, "Think about where we are in the universe, Major," John does because he's already used to listening to that voice.
***
The last time Rodney McKay cried was when his piano teacher told him that he had technical skill but no soul, and therefore, would never be able to be a concert pianist. The time that Rodney cried before that was five minutes after John Sheppard kissed his forehead and walked out the front door, never to be seen again. Rodney decided right then that having a best friend wasn't worth it if he made you cry.
Rodney doesn't make another best friend. He has colleagues, people he's worked closely with, and he would go as far as to say that there are people who aren't actively plotting his death, but none of them are best friend material. Rodney is unconcerned by this.
When John Sheppard slips back into Rodney's life, it throws everything off. Rodney remembers what it was like to have somebody like him, and want to spend time with him not because he's the smartest guy in two galaxies (which he could have told John even back then) or because they're sycophants trying to suck up to him so that he'll review their work or go easy on them about their paper or help them out with the dissertation committee. Rodney wants John to like him again, and just *how* much he wants that surprises Rodney.
By the time he figures out that he doesn't want John just as a best friend, it's already too late and he's dead.
***
In the six weeks, five hours and fourteen minutes since John has been reunited with Rodney, he has thought about kissing him approximately 4,245 times. He imagines it, heavily constructed scenarios where Rodney is babbling and John kisses him to shut him up, or where Rodney throws himself at John after escaping yet another death defying feat. What he doesn't imagine is that the first time John kisses him, Rodney will be dead.
***
What happens is this.
The mission to Z3G-4X7 starts out calmly. The natives are friendly and are more than happy to send escorts with John and Rodney to investigate the power source coming from the ruins while Teyla and Ford stay back and negotiate trade of the wheat-like grain they grow. When Rodney makes excited noises at his life signs detector, John smiles indulgently and cracks jokes at the natives that they don't really understand.
A few minutes later, things take a turn for the worse when the previously friendly and bucolic seeming natives pull out weapons that seem far too advanced for them to possess. They're jumpy and nervous, and in John's experience, those are the very worst people to have pointing guns at you. When Rodney's handheld makes a loud keening noise, they startle, and without warning, one of them shoots, hitting Rodney square in the chest with some sort of energy device. By the time, John tackles the guy, shoves him unconscious, watches the other guy run away, it's too late, and Rodney is utterly still, not breathing at all.
"No! No. No," John mutters, and then, knowing what he is condemning another to but unable to consider letting Rodney remain dead, he leans down and kisses Rodney on the lips. When he pulls away a second later, Rodney's eyes flutter open, and he whispers, "John," letting his mouth curve into a smile. His hand lifts, and John scrabbles backward on his knees, moving away from Rodney's reach.
"Don't touch me," he says, breathing raggedly.
Confused about why he is on the floor and why he has the strange feeling that he shouldn't be able to talk, Rodney rolls himself into a sitting position, and tries to reach out to the Major once again. "John?" he asks, watching him warily.
"No, Rodney. Don't touch me. Just-don't touch me," John repeats, throwing up his arms to cover his face defensively. If they keep him from having to watch Rodney's face crumple and his eyes get bright with hurt, then it's so much the better. They both rise in unison, and after securing the guy on the ground, letting Teyla and Ford know about the situation and telling them to get out as soon as possible, they head back to the village.
On the way there, they find the second guide, dead on the trail. There are no obvious causes for his death.
***
In the weeks that follow, a few things become abundantly clear to John Sheppard. First is that he really should have kissed Rodney before that fateful kiss of life because now that he has kissed Rodney, having to deny himself from doing so again is much more difficult than he'd ever thought possible.
The second is that he touches Rodney far more than he realized, which is odd for him as he's never been one for touching. But he finds himself wanting to reach out, wanting to tap the back of Rodney's head or move his hand next to where Rodney's rests on the conference room table. If Rodney notices the aborted attempts that the Major makes, he does not comment on it.
The third and perhaps the most obvious one, John realizes that Rodney is unable to let go of a mystery, and sooner or later, he'll discover what happened to him. Unfortunately for John, later comes sooner than expected.
***
"I was dead." Rodney says cornering John as he returns from his morning run.
"Excuse me, McKay?"
"I looked over the notes from that planet in the database. It was an Ancient weapons development lab. They talk about the tight security with regards to unauthorized entry, and, Major, this seems familiar to me. I think I got hit with something on that mission."
"If you had, you would have been hurt."
"I know. It doesn't make sense. I've gone over this countless times. It doesn’t make sense. I know it doesn't, and yet, I know I was dead and then I wasn't."
The Major pulls in a sharp breath. "What you're talking about..."
"Is crazy. And yet, not entirely out of the realm of possibility. And," Rodney's eyes search John's, "I think you know why I'm alive."
"How would I..." John begins but trails off as Rodney presses closer into his space.
"Don't give me that. I know-You won't touch me. You avoid me since then. Is it because I," the scientist's face grows sad, "do I disgust you?"
"No!" John breathes sharply, and before he can help himself, his hand flies up to squeeze Rodney's arm.
Rodney looks down to where John's fingers are wrapped around his jacket. He lifts his other hand and moves as if to put it over John's.
"Don't," John whispers.
"Tell me why." Rodney insists.
"I can't."
But the scientist isn't going to take no for an answer. "Tell me," he says firmly, "or I will touch you, Major."
When John hesitates, Rodney moves again, bringing his hand to hover right over John's.
"I can bring dead things back to life by touching them," John quickly whispers. "But only once. If you touch me, you'll die again. Permanently."
Rodney drops his hand. "What? That's impossible."
"It's what happened. You died, and I brought you back to life."
"How? How can you do this?"
"I don't know. I just can."
"Have you told Carson?"
"No. Rodney, you can't tell anyone. I don't want to be the freak-"
"Carson could help. Carson could figure out how--"
"No, Rodney. No. I need you to trust me."
Hearing John's emphatic refusal, Rodney realizes that he isn't going to be able to change the Major's mind. Upon accepting this, his mind quickly goes to the one thought that causes him the most disappointment.
"So, you can't ever touch me again?"
"No." John shakes his head sadly.
"Oh." Rodney says, his heart growing heavy. He feels a profound sense of loss. Sure, he can still see John and spend time with him, but this thought does not cheer him up. Instead, he thinks of what the last few weeks have been like, having John close to him, and yet, being aware of this gaping distance between them. In a way, it has felt a lot like when John left the first time, and Rodney was alone.
Frankly, Rodney thinks, being alive sucks right now.
***
Despite the fact that being in the same room with John will not kill Rodney, the Major and the scientist find themselves having a hard time being together. It is too painful, this knowledge of what is denied to them, and so, the friendship that was once so strong, slowly fades away under the strain of the secret.
They agree Rodney will quit the team; the risk that they will have to touch on a mission much too high. Rodney goes back to the science labs and tries to convince himself he's happier there, with more time to do research and less chance of being shot at, but he fools no one, including himself. John goes on missions, some successful, some not so much. Regardless of the outcome, John finds himself turning to his right and wanting to make a joke to Rodney, some comment that would make him sputter and call John an idiot, only when he turns and looks over, Rodney is not there. Instead, there's some other member of the science team, looking at him askance.
Still, despite their best efforts to remain apart, destiny forces them together. Destiny, in this case, being a ten thousand year old city still full of dangerous hidden things.
This particular crisis begins with a group of scientists, Rodney included, deciding that they will explore the lower levels of the city, where some of the Ancient labs were. Unfortunately, after ten thousand years, not all the safety protocols that the Ancients took are still in place. The science team discovers this the hard way when Atlantis throws up a quarantine shield and the first one of them dies screaming on the floor.
Everyone mobilizes to contain the nanovirus and find a cure as soon as possible. When two more members of the team die, things seem terribly dire, especially once Rodney is infected. Rodney, having died once already, finds that he isn't so much upset at the thought of dying as saddened at everything that he is going to miss, and he realizes that near the top of the list is John. He wants to thank John for saving him, for being his best friend when he was eight years old, for liking him when not many people did. And he wants John to know how much Rodney likes him.
Crawling away from the group and hiding under a lab table, he hails John on a private channel to say what he believes will be his last words, only John won't hear them.
"You're not going to die, Rodney. I won't let you."
"Can you?" Rodney asks curiously. "Can you bring me to life again? If I die?"
"I don't know," John says, and even over the radio, Rodney can hear the pain in his voice. "But you won't die, we'll figure this out."
Rodney doesn't try to dissuade John, even though he has lost hope by then. Instead he asks, "Can you bring the others back to life? Wagner? Johnson? Dumais?"
John is silent for a long time. When he speaks, it sounds like he's aged a thousand years. "I can't, Rodney."
"Why the hell not?" Rodney whispers furiously. "They deserve a goddamn chance."
"It's not as simple as you think."
"Then explain it to me."
"I-I can't bring someone back to life for more than sixty seconds. Not without someone else dying."
"What!" Rodney exclaims, stunned. He gets a few funny looks from the others, but he ignores them and tucks himself further under the table.
"It's true. If I brought them back to life, someone else would die."
"Who would die?"
"I don't know. It's a random proximity thing. But I can't make that choice, McKay. Can you?"
"You made that choice for me," he points out.
"Yes, I did."
Rodney has no reply to that. His mind runs over and over John's words, remembers the native they found dead on the road, and his heart aches for John because he knows that as much as he likes John, John has to like him back just that much.
"John..."
"You're not going to die," John states, and Rodney agrees. He isn't going to die and leave John.
***
Rodney does not die that day. Neither does anyone else. With a plan involving a rather large nuclear explosion, John is able to save the whole city. When he comes back to his room, afterwards, Rodney is sitting on the bed, hands under his thighs, looking tired and cranky, but otherwise okay. John thinks that Rodney has never looked more beautiful.
"Hi," he says, dropping down on the bed, making sure to keep a small distance between himself and Rodney, before falling backwards.
"Hi," Rodney replies. "I didn't die."
"Told you so."
"Yeah. Yeah." Rodney rolls his eyes before shifting uncomfortably. "Did you mean that before? About..."
"If I bring someone back to life for more than sixty seconds, someone else dies."
"How do you know?"
John snorts. "You're the one who taught me the scientific method, Rodney. I figured it out."
"So you brought me back to life and kept me alive, knowing someone else would die. Why?"
"I couldn't let you die." John shrugs and closes his eyes. "Because if it comes to a choice of a world where you're alive and a world where you're not... every time. I would choose for you to be alive."
John feels a hand cup his jaw, and his eyes fly open in horror. He sees Rodney's blue eyes staring down at him, a smile playing on his lips, and John lifts his hand to touch Rodney's and feels a latex glove.
Rodney smirks. "I wasn't about to kill myself."
He then moves his hand so that it's pressed over John's mouth and leans forward, pressing a kiss carefully onto his gloved hand. John holds his breath.
"Rodney," he whispers when Rodney moves away and reaches for his hand, intertwining their fingers. He brings Rodney's hands to his lips and kisses each fingertip and knuckle and then, brings his lips to the same spot where Rodney's had been, kissing him by proxy.
"We'll make it work," Rodney swears fervently. "I'll figure it out somehow. I'm a genius. There's got to be a way to fix it. And regardless, we'll make it work."
"Okay," John replies.
"Okay? I was expecting more of an argument."
"You wouldn't let me win."
"Damn right." Rodney grins. "I'm incredibly smart. It's about time you realized that."
"Yes, Rodney," John drawls, squeezing Rodney's hand, and Rodney squeezes back, and they sit like that for a long time, making promises without words.
(end)
Additional Notes & Warnings:If you don't recognize it, this is basically a weird Pushing Daisies/SGA mashup. As such, I might have borrowed some language from both series. If you're not familiar with the plot of Pushing Daisies, let me warn you. People die. But it's okay. Some of them come back. Also, I'm sorry for the lack of pie.
AUTHOR: Caro (barely_bean)
A/N: This is a birthday present for my dearest darling, slodwick. I tried to combine two things you loved. I hope the results are okay with you. Thanks to fox1013 and celli for cheerleading, scribblinlenore and cosmic for beta. Any remaining mistakes are mine.
A/N2: Please see at end of fic for additional notes and warnings.
The story starts-well, actually the story starts nineteen years ago, in a small town of Hounsfield, just outside the city of Watertown, in upstate New York, near Lake Ontario, near the Canadian border. It's a bright summer day, sun is shining, but the air is still not humid. Young John Sheppard is watching out the window as a moving truck pulls up to the house next door. The moving truck is orange with bright yellow lettering, and John watches it with a hopeful air.
John has been living in Hounsfield for two months, eleven hours, and sixteen minutes. He lives here with his father, Colonel John Sheppard, Sr. and his mother, Cecilia Sheppard. He has no siblings or pets.
Of all the places that John has lived in his short life (there have been five so far), Hounsfield is his least favorite. Their house is nice enough, better than the military housing where they'd lived before, but the neighborhood is quiet and lonely, and since school is still a month away, John has yet to make any friends.
On this day, John watches out the window hoping to do just that. He has pestered his mother all morning asking her if she thought the people moving in next door would have any children, until she pointed out that she hadn't met them either and wouldn't John prefer to play in the backyard. John had not. He positioned himself in the living room, hoping to catch a glimpse of the family that was moving in. One hour later, with movers going from truck to house to truck many times, John has gotten tired of watching and decides that he will go outside and investigate it from a closer angle.
Now, this is where the story takes an unexpected turn for John. He is standing at the crosswalk when out of the corner of his eye, he spies something orange and white dart out into the street. There is a screech, a thud, and then a car speeding around the corner, and John is left standing on the sidewalk, staring at what looks like the dead body of a tabby cat.
John has never seen anything dead before so he does what any little boy would. He pokes it. Two things happen at once.
One, someone yells from behind his back, "Hey! Leave my cat alone!" And two, the previously dead cat is no longer dead. In fact, it screeches, springs to its feet and runs in the direction that the yelling is coming from. John turns around to look and comes face to face with a scowling boy with the bluest eyes John has ever seen.
"Hi. I'm John," he says. "Want to be my friend?"
***
John and Meredith McKay would indeed become friends. It is a strange friendship. Meredith McKay ("Rodney. How many times have I told you, my name is Rodney.") is not a boy prone to being agreeable. Very few people in Mere-Rodney's life, including his parents, are particularly fond of him. He even overheard his mother on one occasion remark to John's mother that she hoped the next baby (Rodney's mother was seven months and two weeks pregnant and brought it up in conversation constantly) would be a slight bit easier to deal with than Rodney.
Still, Rodney is smart, a fact he reminds John of constantly.
"No. No. You're doing it all wrong. Jeez, the baby in my mom's tummy could do it better than that."
And he makes John rocket ships that they launch into the sky on sunny afternoons.
"Wow, did you see how far that one went?"
"Hmm. I think we could get it to go further. Let me think about it."
And he has Star Wars to watch on VHS on rainy days.
"You can't be Han Solo *and* a Jedi."
"Sure I can. That way I get to fly the Millennium Falcon and have a lightsaber."
And he lets John ask him questions all day and has an answer to all of them, only calling John an idiot occasionally.
"So, you see, that's why it makes more sense to think about it as mass rather than weight."
"But how much *does* the earth weigh, Rodney?"
For the next three months, five days, and eight hours that John lives in Hounsfield, Meredith Rodney McKay will be the best friend that John has ever had.
***
The first time John's mother dies is a Tuesday morning. Rodney's father dies one minute and 3 seconds later.
The second and final time John's mother dies is two hours later. She watches her son stare out the window once more as the ambulance pulls away from the McKay residence and feels the overwhelming sadness coming from him. Wanting to reassure him, she slips up behind him and squeezes his shoulder, and when this fails to cheer him up, she leans down and presses a kiss to his face.
It would be the last kiss she would ever give him.
***
John's father is transferred shortly after. John goes to say goodbye to Rodney who is sullen and quiet and refuses to meet his eyes, instead clutching Jeannie to his chest. He wants to say "I'm sorry" and "I didn't know what it would do," but the words don’t come out. So instead, he walks over and kisses Jeannie once, on the forehead, and then looks at Rodney, into his blue eyes, and smacks a kiss on his forehead, before he runs away, back to the truck where his father is waiting impatiently.
John doesn't see Rodney again.
Well. Not until nineteen years, three days and seven hours later, when he sits down in a chair.
***
Most people who meet Major John Sheppard end up liking him. He's a friendly guy, the kind of guy you'd ask to be your fifth in the weekly poker game, or play wingman for you when you're trying to talk up a girl.
Yet for a man who is well-liked, John Sheppard has few friends. The few girls he dates say he's a nice guy but hard to get to know. Also, they're put off by the way he never touches them, unless they're having sex. He gets married once, but it doesn't work out. He has a hard time forming social attachments. He worries about his secret, worries about watching people he loves die. After Afghanistan, after bringing Holland back to life and then having to let him die again, after the black mark, John decides that he's okay with a lonely life in the white stretch of snow that is Antarctica.
Life, however, has other plans for him.
***
Precisely five minutes and thirty-three seconds after General O'Neill tells him not to touch anything, the Major sits down in what looks like a chair and feels the universe open up to him. He's not sure what to do or how to get it to stop, but when he hears a voice say, "Think about where we are in the universe, Major," John does because he's already used to listening to that voice.
***
The last time Rodney McKay cried was when his piano teacher told him that he had technical skill but no soul, and therefore, would never be able to be a concert pianist. The time that Rodney cried before that was five minutes after John Sheppard kissed his forehead and walked out the front door, never to be seen again. Rodney decided right then that having a best friend wasn't worth it if he made you cry.
Rodney doesn't make another best friend. He has colleagues, people he's worked closely with, and he would go as far as to say that there are people who aren't actively plotting his death, but none of them are best friend material. Rodney is unconcerned by this.
When John Sheppard slips back into Rodney's life, it throws everything off. Rodney remembers what it was like to have somebody like him, and want to spend time with him not because he's the smartest guy in two galaxies (which he could have told John even back then) or because they're sycophants trying to suck up to him so that he'll review their work or go easy on them about their paper or help them out with the dissertation committee. Rodney wants John to like him again, and just *how* much he wants that surprises Rodney.
By the time he figures out that he doesn't want John just as a best friend, it's already too late and he's dead.
***
In the six weeks, five hours and fourteen minutes since John has been reunited with Rodney, he has thought about kissing him approximately 4,245 times. He imagines it, heavily constructed scenarios where Rodney is babbling and John kisses him to shut him up, or where Rodney throws himself at John after escaping yet another death defying feat. What he doesn't imagine is that the first time John kisses him, Rodney will be dead.
***
What happens is this.
The mission to Z3G-4X7 starts out calmly. The natives are friendly and are more than happy to send escorts with John and Rodney to investigate the power source coming from the ruins while Teyla and Ford stay back and negotiate trade of the wheat-like grain they grow. When Rodney makes excited noises at his life signs detector, John smiles indulgently and cracks jokes at the natives that they don't really understand.
A few minutes later, things take a turn for the worse when the previously friendly and bucolic seeming natives pull out weapons that seem far too advanced for them to possess. They're jumpy and nervous, and in John's experience, those are the very worst people to have pointing guns at you. When Rodney's handheld makes a loud keening noise, they startle, and without warning, one of them shoots, hitting Rodney square in the chest with some sort of energy device. By the time, John tackles the guy, shoves him unconscious, watches the other guy run away, it's too late, and Rodney is utterly still, not breathing at all.
"No! No. No," John mutters, and then, knowing what he is condemning another to but unable to consider letting Rodney remain dead, he leans down and kisses Rodney on the lips. When he pulls away a second later, Rodney's eyes flutter open, and he whispers, "John," letting his mouth curve into a smile. His hand lifts, and John scrabbles backward on his knees, moving away from Rodney's reach.
"Don't touch me," he says, breathing raggedly.
Confused about why he is on the floor and why he has the strange feeling that he shouldn't be able to talk, Rodney rolls himself into a sitting position, and tries to reach out to the Major once again. "John?" he asks, watching him warily.
"No, Rodney. Don't touch me. Just-don't touch me," John repeats, throwing up his arms to cover his face defensively. If they keep him from having to watch Rodney's face crumple and his eyes get bright with hurt, then it's so much the better. They both rise in unison, and after securing the guy on the ground, letting Teyla and Ford know about the situation and telling them to get out as soon as possible, they head back to the village.
On the way there, they find the second guide, dead on the trail. There are no obvious causes for his death.
***
In the weeks that follow, a few things become abundantly clear to John Sheppard. First is that he really should have kissed Rodney before that fateful kiss of life because now that he has kissed Rodney, having to deny himself from doing so again is much more difficult than he'd ever thought possible.
The second is that he touches Rodney far more than he realized, which is odd for him as he's never been one for touching. But he finds himself wanting to reach out, wanting to tap the back of Rodney's head or move his hand next to where Rodney's rests on the conference room table. If Rodney notices the aborted attempts that the Major makes, he does not comment on it.
The third and perhaps the most obvious one, John realizes that Rodney is unable to let go of a mystery, and sooner or later, he'll discover what happened to him. Unfortunately for John, later comes sooner than expected.
***
"I was dead." Rodney says cornering John as he returns from his morning run.
"Excuse me, McKay?"
"I looked over the notes from that planet in the database. It was an Ancient weapons development lab. They talk about the tight security with regards to unauthorized entry, and, Major, this seems familiar to me. I think I got hit with something on that mission."
"If you had, you would have been hurt."
"I know. It doesn't make sense. I've gone over this countless times. It doesn’t make sense. I know it doesn't, and yet, I know I was dead and then I wasn't."
The Major pulls in a sharp breath. "What you're talking about..."
"Is crazy. And yet, not entirely out of the realm of possibility. And," Rodney's eyes search John's, "I think you know why I'm alive."
"How would I..." John begins but trails off as Rodney presses closer into his space.
"Don't give me that. I know-You won't touch me. You avoid me since then. Is it because I," the scientist's face grows sad, "do I disgust you?"
"No!" John breathes sharply, and before he can help himself, his hand flies up to squeeze Rodney's arm.
Rodney looks down to where John's fingers are wrapped around his jacket. He lifts his other hand and moves as if to put it over John's.
"Don't," John whispers.
"Tell me why." Rodney insists.
"I can't."
But the scientist isn't going to take no for an answer. "Tell me," he says firmly, "or I will touch you, Major."
When John hesitates, Rodney moves again, bringing his hand to hover right over John's.
"I can bring dead things back to life by touching them," John quickly whispers. "But only once. If you touch me, you'll die again. Permanently."
Rodney drops his hand. "What? That's impossible."
"It's what happened. You died, and I brought you back to life."
"How? How can you do this?"
"I don't know. I just can."
"Have you told Carson?"
"No. Rodney, you can't tell anyone. I don't want to be the freak-"
"Carson could help. Carson could figure out how--"
"No, Rodney. No. I need you to trust me."
Hearing John's emphatic refusal, Rodney realizes that he isn't going to be able to change the Major's mind. Upon accepting this, his mind quickly goes to the one thought that causes him the most disappointment.
"So, you can't ever touch me again?"
"No." John shakes his head sadly.
"Oh." Rodney says, his heart growing heavy. He feels a profound sense of loss. Sure, he can still see John and spend time with him, but this thought does not cheer him up. Instead, he thinks of what the last few weeks have been like, having John close to him, and yet, being aware of this gaping distance between them. In a way, it has felt a lot like when John left the first time, and Rodney was alone.
Frankly, Rodney thinks, being alive sucks right now.
***
Despite the fact that being in the same room with John will not kill Rodney, the Major and the scientist find themselves having a hard time being together. It is too painful, this knowledge of what is denied to them, and so, the friendship that was once so strong, slowly fades away under the strain of the secret.
They agree Rodney will quit the team; the risk that they will have to touch on a mission much too high. Rodney goes back to the science labs and tries to convince himself he's happier there, with more time to do research and less chance of being shot at, but he fools no one, including himself. John goes on missions, some successful, some not so much. Regardless of the outcome, John finds himself turning to his right and wanting to make a joke to Rodney, some comment that would make him sputter and call John an idiot, only when he turns and looks over, Rodney is not there. Instead, there's some other member of the science team, looking at him askance.
Still, despite their best efforts to remain apart, destiny forces them together. Destiny, in this case, being a ten thousand year old city still full of dangerous hidden things.
This particular crisis begins with a group of scientists, Rodney included, deciding that they will explore the lower levels of the city, where some of the Ancient labs were. Unfortunately, after ten thousand years, not all the safety protocols that the Ancients took are still in place. The science team discovers this the hard way when Atlantis throws up a quarantine shield and the first one of them dies screaming on the floor.
Everyone mobilizes to contain the nanovirus and find a cure as soon as possible. When two more members of the team die, things seem terribly dire, especially once Rodney is infected. Rodney, having died once already, finds that he isn't so much upset at the thought of dying as saddened at everything that he is going to miss, and he realizes that near the top of the list is John. He wants to thank John for saving him, for being his best friend when he was eight years old, for liking him when not many people did. And he wants John to know how much Rodney likes him.
Crawling away from the group and hiding under a lab table, he hails John on a private channel to say what he believes will be his last words, only John won't hear them.
"You're not going to die, Rodney. I won't let you."
"Can you?" Rodney asks curiously. "Can you bring me to life again? If I die?"
"I don't know," John says, and even over the radio, Rodney can hear the pain in his voice. "But you won't die, we'll figure this out."
Rodney doesn't try to dissuade John, even though he has lost hope by then. Instead he asks, "Can you bring the others back to life? Wagner? Johnson? Dumais?"
John is silent for a long time. When he speaks, it sounds like he's aged a thousand years. "I can't, Rodney."
"Why the hell not?" Rodney whispers furiously. "They deserve a goddamn chance."
"It's not as simple as you think."
"Then explain it to me."
"I-I can't bring someone back to life for more than sixty seconds. Not without someone else dying."
"What!" Rodney exclaims, stunned. He gets a few funny looks from the others, but he ignores them and tucks himself further under the table.
"It's true. If I brought them back to life, someone else would die."
"Who would die?"
"I don't know. It's a random proximity thing. But I can't make that choice, McKay. Can you?"
"You made that choice for me," he points out.
"Yes, I did."
Rodney has no reply to that. His mind runs over and over John's words, remembers the native they found dead on the road, and his heart aches for John because he knows that as much as he likes John, John has to like him back just that much.
"John..."
"You're not going to die," John states, and Rodney agrees. He isn't going to die and leave John.
***
Rodney does not die that day. Neither does anyone else. With a plan involving a rather large nuclear explosion, John is able to save the whole city. When he comes back to his room, afterwards, Rodney is sitting on the bed, hands under his thighs, looking tired and cranky, but otherwise okay. John thinks that Rodney has never looked more beautiful.
"Hi," he says, dropping down on the bed, making sure to keep a small distance between himself and Rodney, before falling backwards.
"Hi," Rodney replies. "I didn't die."
"Told you so."
"Yeah. Yeah." Rodney rolls his eyes before shifting uncomfortably. "Did you mean that before? About..."
"If I bring someone back to life for more than sixty seconds, someone else dies."
"How do you know?"
John snorts. "You're the one who taught me the scientific method, Rodney. I figured it out."
"So you brought me back to life and kept me alive, knowing someone else would die. Why?"
"I couldn't let you die." John shrugs and closes his eyes. "Because if it comes to a choice of a world where you're alive and a world where you're not... every time. I would choose for you to be alive."
John feels a hand cup his jaw, and his eyes fly open in horror. He sees Rodney's blue eyes staring down at him, a smile playing on his lips, and John lifts his hand to touch Rodney's and feels a latex glove.
Rodney smirks. "I wasn't about to kill myself."
He then moves his hand so that it's pressed over John's mouth and leans forward, pressing a kiss carefully onto his gloved hand. John holds his breath.
"Rodney," he whispers when Rodney moves away and reaches for his hand, intertwining their fingers. He brings Rodney's hands to his lips and kisses each fingertip and knuckle and then, brings his lips to the same spot where Rodney's had been, kissing him by proxy.
"We'll make it work," Rodney swears fervently. "I'll figure it out somehow. I'm a genius. There's got to be a way to fix it. And regardless, we'll make it work."
"Okay," John replies.
"Okay? I was expecting more of an argument."
"You wouldn't let me win."
"Damn right." Rodney grins. "I'm incredibly smart. It's about time you realized that."
"Yes, Rodney," John drawls, squeezing Rodney's hand, and Rodney squeezes back, and they sit like that for a long time, making promises without words.
(end)
Additional Notes & Warnings:If you don't recognize it, this is basically a weird Pushing Daisies/SGA mashup. As such, I might have borrowed some language from both series. If you're not familiar with the plot of Pushing Daisies, let me warn you. People die. But it's okay. Some of them come back. Also, I'm sorry for the lack of pie.