I'm Thankful for My Friends: Llen
When I say that I’ve known my friend Llen since we were nine years old, most people assume she’s also from California. But actually she’s from Riverdale - a part of the Bronx just south of Westchester, where I lived from the time I was nine years old until I was fifteen.
I rarely ever mention that I once lived in Riverdale. It’s obviously not a secret; in fact, it’s the setting of my first book, MY SO-CALLED FAMILY. It’s just that, most of the time, Riverdale feels like my least significant place: sandwiched in between my beloved childhood home in the Bay Area, and Manhattan, where I have now lived most of my life, and where I feel most at home. The fact that Llen knew me during my Riverdale years - and knew me best there - makes me feel like, in some ways, she knows me better than any of my other friends. She holds the memories I don’t usually talk about.
And I’ve spent the last twenty-four years trying to live up to her. I was the new kid in fourth grade, and I was so sad about that - I missed California and my dad and my old house more than I could even explain. To add insult to injury, on the first day of school, someone came up to me and said I was going to be in trouble because I looked too much like this girl named Llen. (By the way, that’s pronounced “Ellen.” Her parents needed an L-name, and really liked the name Ellen. The funny thing is, Llen and I have discussed how we don’t think of her as an “Ellen.” I know that doesn’t really make sense.) Anyway, Llen was popular, and the implication was that I was invading her territory. I tried to steer clear of her, and it worked out for awhile - she was in the other fourth grade class, so we didn’t eat lunch together, though I must’ve seen her on the playground. At the end of October, I had a Halloween party and didn’t invite her. I did, however, invite a bunch of kids she was friends with - by that time, they were my friends, too. I don’t think I will ever live this down. Seventeen years later, I was a bridesmaid in Llen’s wedding and the “Halloween Debacle” was mentioned in the wedding program. If I remember correctly, she showed up to the party anyway, and our friendship was sealed.
Llen was bold, and also sophisticated. I remember once watching her in the hall, talking to one of the teachers, Mrs. Ashley, and she seemed like Mrs. Ashley’s equal. It was like she was one of the grownups. I thought she was the smartest girl I knew. I wanted to read the books she was reading. When we were in fifth grade she wrote a book, so then I wrote a book. I remember hers more than I remember mine. I thought of Llen as something like me, only better. She sang louder, ran faster, was better at pottery and gymnastics. We did sort of look alike, but Llen was prettier. In fifth grade, I got 100% on a math test that she didn’t do well on. I remember how it felt good to just that once be superior, and it makes me feel guilty now. I’m embarrassed that Llen is going to read this and find out about it. Whatever; she’s known me for practically two and a half decades: she knows I’m imperfect. And it was a fluke anyway: she scored higher than I did on all the other tests. But even though she capable and confident, she was never haughty. She always acted like she thought I was just as good as she was.
The summer after seventh grade, we went to sleepaway camp together. That’s another part of my life that most people don’t know - I lasted 3 weeks and 5 days at sleepaway camp. We were both incredibly, miserably homesick. Llen’s bed was just across from mine, and in the middle of the night when one of us couldn’t sleep, we’d wake the other up and we’d play Spit, our favorite card game, into the wee hours. We fought a lot too, though now I can’t remember why. She was like a sister to me - someone so important, someone I knew I would always have, so I wasn’t afraid to battle with her.
It seems strange, but Llen wasn’t my best friend in Riverdale - that was a girl named Elana, who I’m also still sort of in touch with. But Elana and I grew up and grew apart - not for any good reason, it just happened. Llen is that rare kind of friend, a friend the straddles childhood and adulthood. She moved away from New York several years ago, and I don’t see her or speak to her as much as I want to. But whenever we get together, we pick up right where we left off. It’s like somehow, intuitively, she knows all the things that have happened in between, and vice versa. We’ve shared so many years of friendship, and I think it’s safe to say we’ll be friends for the rest of our lives. Sometimes I think I must’ve lived in Riverdale just because I was meant to meet her.
Occasionally people will see us together and say that we look alike, and it remains the greatest compliment. Llen is so pretty. I wish I had more photos of us together. As far as I know, with the exception of class pictures, there are no photos of us together as kids; our parents were far from being camera addicts. But she'll be in New York next month, and I plan to take a ton of pictures with her and her son!
I rarely ever mention that I once lived in Riverdale. It’s obviously not a secret; in fact, it’s the setting of my first book, MY SO-CALLED FAMILY. It’s just that, most of the time, Riverdale feels like my least significant place: sandwiched in between my beloved childhood home in the Bay Area, and Manhattan, where I have now lived most of my life, and where I feel most at home. The fact that Llen knew me during my Riverdale years - and knew me best there - makes me feel like, in some ways, she knows me better than any of my other friends. She holds the memories I don’t usually talk about.
And I’ve spent the last twenty-four years trying to live up to her. I was the new kid in fourth grade, and I was so sad about that - I missed California and my dad and my old house more than I could even explain. To add insult to injury, on the first day of school, someone came up to me and said I was going to be in trouble because I looked too much like this girl named Llen. (By the way, that’s pronounced “Ellen.” Her parents needed an L-name, and really liked the name Ellen. The funny thing is, Llen and I have discussed how we don’t think of her as an “Ellen.” I know that doesn’t really make sense.) Anyway, Llen was popular, and the implication was that I was invading her territory. I tried to steer clear of her, and it worked out for awhile - she was in the other fourth grade class, so we didn’t eat lunch together, though I must’ve seen her on the playground. At the end of October, I had a Halloween party and didn’t invite her. I did, however, invite a bunch of kids she was friends with - by that time, they were my friends, too. I don’t think I will ever live this down. Seventeen years later, I was a bridesmaid in Llen’s wedding and the “Halloween Debacle” was mentioned in the wedding program. If I remember correctly, she showed up to the party anyway, and our friendship was sealed.
Llen was bold, and also sophisticated. I remember once watching her in the hall, talking to one of the teachers, Mrs. Ashley, and she seemed like Mrs. Ashley’s equal. It was like she was one of the grownups. I thought she was the smartest girl I knew. I wanted to read the books she was reading. When we were in fifth grade she wrote a book, so then I wrote a book. I remember hers more than I remember mine. I thought of Llen as something like me, only better. She sang louder, ran faster, was better at pottery and gymnastics. We did sort of look alike, but Llen was prettier. In fifth grade, I got 100% on a math test that she didn’t do well on. I remember how it felt good to just that once be superior, and it makes me feel guilty now. I’m embarrassed that Llen is going to read this and find out about it. Whatever; she’s known me for practically two and a half decades: she knows I’m imperfect. And it was a fluke anyway: she scored higher than I did on all the other tests. But even though she capable and confident, she was never haughty. She always acted like she thought I was just as good as she was.
The summer after seventh grade, we went to sleepaway camp together. That’s another part of my life that most people don’t know - I lasted 3 weeks and 5 days at sleepaway camp. We were both incredibly, miserably homesick. Llen’s bed was just across from mine, and in the middle of the night when one of us couldn’t sleep, we’d wake the other up and we’d play Spit, our favorite card game, into the wee hours. We fought a lot too, though now I can’t remember why. She was like a sister to me - someone so important, someone I knew I would always have, so I wasn’t afraid to battle with her.
It seems strange, but Llen wasn’t my best friend in Riverdale - that was a girl named Elana, who I’m also still sort of in touch with. But Elana and I grew up and grew apart - not for any good reason, it just happened. Llen is that rare kind of friend, a friend the straddles childhood and adulthood. She moved away from New York several years ago, and I don’t see her or speak to her as much as I want to. But whenever we get together, we pick up right where we left off. It’s like somehow, intuitively, she knows all the things that have happened in between, and vice versa. We’ve shared so many years of friendship, and I think it’s safe to say we’ll be friends for the rest of our lives. Sometimes I think I must’ve lived in Riverdale just because I was meant to meet her.
Occasionally people will see us together and say that we look alike, and it remains the greatest compliment. Llen is so pretty. I wish I had more photos of us together. As far as I know, with the exception of class pictures, there are no photos of us together as kids; our parents were far from being camera addicts. But she'll be in New York next month, and I plan to take a ton of pictures with her and her son!