Review #2: Non-Plot IN THE NIGHTSIDE
Agents of Light and Darkness by Simon R. Green
Number of Pages: 233
Publisher: Ace Books
Where I Got it: Brandi wispywillow, monthly book swap
Cost: $6.99
2- Maybe One Redeeming Quality… But It’s Too Small To Matter
*sigh* For this one, I couldn't help but be spoiler heavy. I don't feel bad about that, however, because it's like I'm saving your time.
I can't make it painless, so I'll try and make it funny.
Back of Book:
I'm John Taylor. I work in the Nightside--the gaudy, neon noir, secret heart of London, where it's always three in the morning, where gods and monsters make deals and seek pleasures they won't find anywhere else.
I have a gift for finding things. And sometimes what I'm hired to locate can be very, very dangerous indeed.
Right now, for example I'm searching for The Unholy Grail, the cup that Judas drank from at the Last Supper.
It corrupts all who touch it-- but it also gives enormous power. So I'm not the only one hunting. Angels, devils, sinners and saints--they're all out there, tearing apart The Nightside, seeking the dark goblet.
And it's only a matter of time until they realize that the famous John Taylor, the man with the gift for finding things, can lead them straight to it...
I generally try to read books in order but Brandi said it didn't really matter. Since the first book was going to be difficult to find, I went ahead and read this one. From the moment I read the back, I thought I was going to love this book. The first chapter even gave me high hopes for it. Halfway through the second chapter, however, my hopes, along with my spirit had been effectively massacred. Armed with a pen and a legal pad, I approached from a different angle. A mocking angle.
I was intent of following the same review style for each of my reviews but that simply won't work in this case so I've decided to go by chapters. Don't worry, there are only nine of them and that's stretching it in terms of actual plot.
Before we start, I'd like to point out a particularly annoying phrase that pops up throughout the book. I ended up keeping track of how many times 'in the Nightside' was used. Mind you, it's nowhere NEAR as many times as the Nightside is referred to. I'm just talking about that one phrase.
I've also taken the liberty of renaming the chapters myself. I just think it adds that little something extra...
Forward and onward!!
Chapter 1: Dude, This Might Be Awesome
Takes place in the only church IN THE NIGHTSIDE.
We're introduced to the best character in the entire book and she's KICK ASS.
Introducing Jessica Sorrow the Unbeliever.
Why is she called the Unbeliever? I'm so glad you asked! Something happened in her past (dunno what) that changed her so badly that she stopped believing in everything. I think there's a thing where she sold her soul (or something, please don't make me open the book again...) and so now that she doesn't believe in anything, nothing can touch her. She can unbelieve things into non-existence. She's described as naked, emaciated and corpse pale. She has no hair, her mouth is constantly in a snarl and her eyes are wide and urine yellow.
I immediately LOVE this character. She's come to see John Taylor, who finds things, and he hands her a teddy bear that used to be hers a long time ago. She needs it to hold onto herself because if she doesn't focus, she'll disappear.
If you're thinking she's awesome... well, too bad. I'll tell you right now that she leaves quickly and never comes back.
Also, in this chapter a man in black runs into the church, holds up a nondescript item and begs for sanctuary but other things come in and turn him to stone. We find out that these other things thought he had a Grail. John Taylor wants in on it. That's it for this chapter.
IN THE NIGHTSIDE: 7
Chapter 2: Oh, Dear...
Lemme explain a bit about our main character, John Taylor. He's described as being incredibly badass and no one wants to mess with him. He certainly thinks a lot of himself, too. He's, apparently, willing to do anything to find something for a client. Just by the way, we never see him do anything than bumble around and talk a lot. Okay, there's one exception but it's in this chapter and it stands alone.
ANYWAY, he walks into this bar that is infamous for having all types of shady characters and you're likely to be killed or conned or mugged or whatever. Along with everything else in Green's little world, the bar isn't nearly as dark and scary as he'd love you to believe it is.
First character inconsistency is here, though.
John Taylor about the bar:
"I spend a lot of time there, which says more about me than I'm comfortable admitting."
I've been to bars that are more dangerous than this and I'm more than comfortable admitting it.
There's a long, pointless series of events that are here only to bring in a specific show of a guy summoning demons to beat up John Taylor but the demons are too afraid of our marshmallow protag. Get used to this.
Now we meet another interesting character who won't be seen again till the end of the book. The owner of the bar, Alex Morrisey is actually kinda fun to read. He's also descended from Arthur Pendragon and Merlin Satanspawn. Hell YES! I'd like to have that lineage. Merlin is even buried in the cellar.
Next, we have one of the few really decent scenes (not saying much). John Taylor (this is how he's referred to by everyone throughout the entire book save for... Let's see... I counted 3ish times) is hired by another awesome, yet not there again until the end character named Jude. He is an undercover agent priest librarian guy from the Vatican and he wants JT to find the Unholy Grail. It's out and about and the pope wants to put it away so no one can have it. If you missed it in the description, the Unholy Grail (UG) is the cup Judas Iscariot drank from at the Last Supper. Judas drank from it. The guy who's come to hire JT is JUDE... and JT thinks there's something fishy about him... *headdesk*
Moving on! We learn that there will be Angels from Above and Below out looking for the UG. Above= your kick ass defend everything take care of business creepy very non- Precious Moments angels that are actually mentioned in the Bible. Below=Fallen Angels.
Hey, at least Green isn't using the bippity boppity boo angels. Do we ever see the difference between the Above Angels and the Below Angels? No. Do we hear the term from Above and Below far too much? YES. That and 'movers and shakers'.
Whatever.
The UG was being held in some tunnels under the Pentagon. A guy stole it from there but the UG was just using the guy to escape and abandoned him...
"Oh! My precious!!!! GOLUM!"
Oh, wait, where was I? Right "Jude" in the bar with the money bag from the Vatican.
Other guys come up and want JT to find UG for them! This is the one time I was talking about that we actually see JT do something interesting. These big guys have guns and they threaten to shoot but JT says something about them not being loaded, unclenches his fist and all the bullets fall to the table. At least we know now why he's dangerous. Not that we'll ever see him do something like this again UNTIL THE END OF THE BOOK.
IN THE NIGHTSIDE: 7
Chapter 3: We Want You, John Taylor!!!
Howard Hughes wants the UG. Sends Marilyn Monroe to offer a blank check to JT.
No, I'm not kidding.
JT tries to use his "finding gift" but the Angels steal him from his body and ask him to find it for THEM. Luckily, the Angels have a lot in common with Abbot and Costello and JT is able to sneak away and back into his body. This effectively takes care of any other powers JT might possess and turns the rest of the book into a lengthy, convoluted "let's go find this person and get their information" plot that makes Dan Brown's books look like unparalleled masterpieces.
He also calls his power his "third eye" or his "private eye". That's not even remotely cute because cute, in this case, would be describing an action equated with a personality trait and JT doesn't have a personality.
JT decides that he needs the help of the even more pointless character, Shotgun Suzie. Suzie actually has one up on JT. She has one personality trait: dramatic.
She lives in a building with 'state of the art' technology because she's obsessed with security. She's given JT the codes to get into her home. He hasn't been there in six years but EUREKA!!! the codes still work! She hasn't changed them in SIX FECKING YEARS. That is not someone who's obsessed with security, Mr. Green!
Suzie is a morose slob who's completely hammered when JT arrives and she's basically living in her own waste. She agrees to help him, not for the money he offers but because she might get to kill people. This almost made me perk my ears up and take notice but it turns out that Lucy Pevensie is more hardcore than Shotgun Suzie. Suzie's main contribution will be emotional breakdowns and ordering JT to find her something to shoot. I think she only shoots one thing throughout the entire book...
After Suzie performs a "The Jetson's" like change where she's sobered up and even put on some make up. They're off to find the Demon Lordz. Why did I finish this book? Ranting rights.
IN THE NIGHTSIDE: 6
Chapter 4: Movers and Shakers
Suzie throws a fit about going into the club the Demon Lordz own cause she might get a disease or something from it. Hard to believe after seeing what her home is like.
The Demon Lordz' club turns out to be the most poorly conceived fetish club in the history of everything and I guess we're supposed to think it's a big deal when JT and Suzie aren't impressed with its "badass"ness.
They go upstairs and have a talk with the Demon Lordz, Mr. Blood and Mr. Bones who are set up to be awesome but are sadly not.
I'd just like to point something out here. A shotgun is an inefficient weapon to use outside of putting down a lame farm animal, threatening your daughters date or taking on a lone opponent from at least 10 yards away. Why? Because it's BIG. Oh, sure it LOOKS good but big means there's more places for people to grab it and yank it out of your hands, redirect it, etc. Pump action means it's pointless for multiple targets because there's a moment when you can't shoot.
Second problem. Suzie repeatedly puts the shotgun against people's/demon's/whatever's faces. NO! You do not get in close to someone when you have a gun! EVER! Guns are range weapons! You use them from far away! If someone puts a gun against your head and your arms are free, you have an 85% chance of NOT GETTING SHOT.
A mini UZI would have been perfect. Sub-machine, short body, threatening, you hold it in close, and it's light enough for the girl to carry around for a long time.
Anyway, we find out the the demons left hell cause they wanted, I shit you not, "coffee, ice cream and cold showers". Oh, good Lordz.
Suzie shoots one in the face, but it's a demon so it doesn't die and she gets scared. JT makes a threat that makes them all shit their pants and we move on to a truly boring talk with the head of the non-law.
After this they go to a new location and find a Pile O' Nazis. Neo Nazis actually but, whatever.
Now we find the only weapon that can kill the Angels that are running around cause JT feels bad about killing the people around him who are all drug addicts, murderers and conmen but taking out Heaven's enforcement team is A-OK. *sigh* Thus, we meet the Speaking Gun that could have been awesome. It, also, unmakes things. Point it and shoot at whatever you want to get rid of and, because it knows the Holy Word, it will say it backwards and unmake it. Nifty. Unfortunately, it's described as being "...made of meat. Of flesh and bone, dark-veined gristle, and shards of cartilage, held together with strips of pale skin. Living tissues, shaped into a killing tool. Thin slabs of bone made up the handle, surrounded by freckled skin. The flushed skin had a hot and sweaty look. The trigger was a long canine tooth, and the red meat of the barrel glistened wetly." Congrats, Green. You're officially trying too hard.
The Speaking Gun was owned by the Collector who's now come into the story for want of an actual villain but since he is also not a villain....Ah, hell. Forget it. He collects things. What was that? You guessed that already? Good for you! You are officially smarter than the author! Not hard to do, but still.
Anyway, they decide that the Bedlam Boys have the information they want but are notoriously *eyeroll* hard to find. And so, the stupidest lines in the book.
"The Bedlam Boys!" said Suzie.
"Of course... They wouldn't normally betray the Collector's confidence, not even to hard cases like us, *snerk* but now we have something to bargain with. He's bound to want the Speaking Gun back."
"And we'll only agree to hand it over in person."
"Got it in one. Let's go"
Cause that was SO HARD TO GET!!!
IN THE NIGHTSIDE: 11
Chapter 5: What the FUCK is Going On Here????
Apparently the Demon Lordz are going to sue for PTSD making them the daintiest demons in history.
JT thinks wasabi sauce is so hot that rivals napalm in the dangerous substances department further making him a pansy ass moron.
Bedlam Boys own yet another half rate club. Their killed by Angels only we learned previously that they aren't being turned to stone but to salt. Whatever.
JT and Suzie go off and find this guy named Nasty Jack Starlight. JT explains why he's called Nasty and it makes Suzie hate him but some of the guys I grew up with make Nasty Jack Starlight look like a delicate flower. So they interrupt him dancing on stage and have a big dialogue in front of everyone, Suzie has her first big emotional breakdown and since the writer can't handle any more himself, the location of the Collector falls into their laps through a third person.
Confused yet? It doesn't get better!
IN THE NIGHTSIDE: 14
Chapter 6: Convolution Takes Coordination!
JT and Suzie are afraid of the Angels.
Intro Razor Eddie, who is the only threatening character in the entire book. He doesn't stay long, though. He's here to snitch that he found the UG for the Collector and he's willing to tell them where it is.
Oh, the Collector's collection? It's on the MOON.
No I'm not kidding.
Anyway, Razor Eddie is thrown out the window, survives. JT and Suzie leave but before they can get out the law dude shows up again with the character Belle who's made herself invincible. She rips out Suzie's intestines but JT is able to kill Belle because of his little powers but at this point it's too little, too late. He heals Suzie with a magic wolf pelt and they almost snog but it's interrupted by a new Suzie tantrum.
Good news now.
IN THE NIGHTSIDE: 1
Chapter 7: O.o
More lazy writing. An item that's thrown in clumsily at the last moment magically makes them appear back in Alex Morrissey's bar.
Good news, though.
MERLIN SAVES THE DAY.
POOF! Merlin makes the Collector appear wearing an authentic Elvis jumpsuit!
IN THE NIGHTSIDE: 4
Chapter 8: *headdesk*headdesk*headdesk*
One last chance to think they were kidding about the moon thing. Whoops, too bad. Merlin sends the Collector, JT and Suzie to the moon for a tour of the collection, some catlike robots and retrieving the UG.
They come back.
Luckily...
IN THE NIGHTSIDE: 0
Chapter 9: Hey, Jude.
Angels are attacking on all sides.
Jude comes in.
Admits that he's actually Judas and that Jesus forgave him so he's created his own penance of staying on earth until his buddy's return. He drinks from the cup again taking away the bad out of it (smurfs' xmas special singing: Goodness makes the badness go away... Goodness makes you happy everydayayayay....).
The Angels sing, literally, and everything is good again.
IN THE NIGHTSIDE: 3
The End.
*deep breath*
The Mindless Rabble of Others?
Oh, God, YES!!!! I can't even.... *headdesk*headdesk*headdesk*headdesk*headdesk*headdesk*headdesk*headdesk*headdesk*
No, I Love You! *kissykissy*
Thankfully absent.
Dance, Magic, Dance!
Clumsy and inefficient at best. The author goes out of his way to create situations so he doesn't have to deal with it except minimally.
Where Exactly Are You From?
Green spends so much time telling us how terrifying the Nightside is that he actually forgets to make it scary. There's a place like this in every big city. Some places in Columbus are actually worse. The places in this book would only strike fear in the hearts of people who believe that nothing really bad ever happens in the world. Green seems to like the idea that he's created something scary but all he's doing is putting down a bunch of words that he finds impressive and then patting himself on the back for it.
IN THE NIGHTSIDE FINAL COUNT: 46
The only time we're out of the Nightside is that weird little fucking trip to the MOON! For every time 'in the Nightside' is used, THE NIGHTSIDE is referred to in some other form twice as much! My final count for all 'THE NIGHTSIDE's was around 150. There is NO REASON TO REFER TO IT THAT MUCH. WE GET IT! IT'S A DIFFERENT PLACE!!!! GET OVER YOURSELF, GREEN!!!
Leave Me Alone, I'm Plotting...
This book has no plot or, if it does, it's hidden so well that the CIA wouldn't be able to find it.
”Hey, what does this do?” “NO! DON’T TOUCH THAT!!”
I guess this is the Unholy Grail... which is Wholly Unimpressive. Nice try, though. I'd look forward to a story using Judas Iscariot's chalice in a worthwhile manner.
Why? WHY? Oh, the AGONY!!!!!
Um, did you not read the review?
Honestly, if the author hadn't been hell bent on taking this so seriously and thrown drama to the wind he could have had a DAMN good camp novel. There were some genuinely hilarious lines but they're overshadowed by bad writing and overrated descriptions about how "badass", "hardcore", "threatening" and "terrifying" everything and everyone was.
Seriously, don't waste your time with this book. It's not worth the loss of brain cells.
Awesome excerpt:
"Elvis, as we all know, was so full of pills when he died they had to bury him in a coffin with a childproof lid."
Next Up:
Dead Until Dark by Charlaine Harris
Knockemstiff by Donald Ray Pollock
The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Number of Pages: 233
Publisher: Ace Books
Where I Got it: Brandi wispywillow, monthly book swap
Cost: $6.99
2- Maybe One Redeeming Quality… But It’s Too Small To Matter
*sigh* For this one, I couldn't help but be spoiler heavy. I don't feel bad about that, however, because it's like I'm saving your time.
I can't make it painless, so I'll try and make it funny.
Back of Book:
I'm John Taylor. I work in the Nightside--the gaudy, neon noir, secret heart of London, where it's always three in the morning, where gods and monsters make deals and seek pleasures they won't find anywhere else.
I have a gift for finding things. And sometimes what I'm hired to locate can be very, very dangerous indeed.
Right now, for example I'm searching for The Unholy Grail, the cup that Judas drank from at the Last Supper.
It corrupts all who touch it-- but it also gives enormous power. So I'm not the only one hunting. Angels, devils, sinners and saints--they're all out there, tearing apart The Nightside, seeking the dark goblet.
And it's only a matter of time until they realize that the famous John Taylor, the man with the gift for finding things, can lead them straight to it...
I generally try to read books in order but Brandi said it didn't really matter. Since the first book was going to be difficult to find, I went ahead and read this one. From the moment I read the back, I thought I was going to love this book. The first chapter even gave me high hopes for it. Halfway through the second chapter, however, my hopes, along with my spirit had been effectively massacred. Armed with a pen and a legal pad, I approached from a different angle. A mocking angle.
I was intent of following the same review style for each of my reviews but that simply won't work in this case so I've decided to go by chapters. Don't worry, there are only nine of them and that's stretching it in terms of actual plot.
Before we start, I'd like to point out a particularly annoying phrase that pops up throughout the book. I ended up keeping track of how many times 'in the Nightside' was used. Mind you, it's nowhere NEAR as many times as the Nightside is referred to. I'm just talking about that one phrase.
I've also taken the liberty of renaming the chapters myself. I just think it adds that little something extra...
Forward and onward!!
Chapter 1: Dude, This Might Be Awesome
Takes place in the only church IN THE NIGHTSIDE.
We're introduced to the best character in the entire book and she's KICK ASS.
Introducing Jessica Sorrow the Unbeliever.
Why is she called the Unbeliever? I'm so glad you asked! Something happened in her past (dunno what) that changed her so badly that she stopped believing in everything. I think there's a thing where she sold her soul (or something, please don't make me open the book again...) and so now that she doesn't believe in anything, nothing can touch her. She can unbelieve things into non-existence. She's described as naked, emaciated and corpse pale. She has no hair, her mouth is constantly in a snarl and her eyes are wide and urine yellow.
I immediately LOVE this character. She's come to see John Taylor, who finds things, and he hands her a teddy bear that used to be hers a long time ago. She needs it to hold onto herself because if she doesn't focus, she'll disappear.
If you're thinking she's awesome... well, too bad. I'll tell you right now that she leaves quickly and never comes back.
Also, in this chapter a man in black runs into the church, holds up a nondescript item and begs for sanctuary but other things come in and turn him to stone. We find out that these other things thought he had a Grail. John Taylor wants in on it. That's it for this chapter.
IN THE NIGHTSIDE: 7
Chapter 2: Oh, Dear...
Lemme explain a bit about our main character, John Taylor. He's described as being incredibly badass and no one wants to mess with him. He certainly thinks a lot of himself, too. He's, apparently, willing to do anything to find something for a client. Just by the way, we never see him do anything than bumble around and talk a lot. Okay, there's one exception but it's in this chapter and it stands alone.
ANYWAY, he walks into this bar that is infamous for having all types of shady characters and you're likely to be killed or conned or mugged or whatever. Along with everything else in Green's little world, the bar isn't nearly as dark and scary as he'd love you to believe it is.
First character inconsistency is here, though.
John Taylor about the bar:
"I spend a lot of time there, which says more about me than I'm comfortable admitting."
I've been to bars that are more dangerous than this and I'm more than comfortable admitting it.
There's a long, pointless series of events that are here only to bring in a specific show of a guy summoning demons to beat up John Taylor but the demons are too afraid of our marshmallow protag. Get used to this.
Now we meet another interesting character who won't be seen again till the end of the book. The owner of the bar, Alex Morrisey is actually kinda fun to read. He's also descended from Arthur Pendragon and Merlin Satanspawn. Hell YES! I'd like to have that lineage. Merlin is even buried in the cellar.
Next, we have one of the few really decent scenes (not saying much). John Taylor (this is how he's referred to by everyone throughout the entire book save for... Let's see... I counted 3ish times) is hired by another awesome, yet not there again until the end character named Jude. He is an undercover agent priest librarian guy from the Vatican and he wants JT to find the Unholy Grail. It's out and about and the pope wants to put it away so no one can have it. If you missed it in the description, the Unholy Grail (UG) is the cup Judas Iscariot drank from at the Last Supper. Judas drank from it. The guy who's come to hire JT is JUDE... and JT thinks there's something fishy about him... *headdesk*
Moving on! We learn that there will be Angels from Above and Below out looking for the UG. Above= your kick ass defend everything take care of business creepy very non- Precious Moments angels that are actually mentioned in the Bible. Below=Fallen Angels.
Hey, at least Green isn't using the bippity boppity boo angels. Do we ever see the difference between the Above Angels and the Below Angels? No. Do we hear the term from Above and Below far too much? YES. That and 'movers and shakers'.
Whatever.
The UG was being held in some tunnels under the Pentagon. A guy stole it from there but the UG was just using the guy to escape and abandoned him...
"Oh! My precious!!!! GOLUM!"
Oh, wait, where was I? Right "Jude" in the bar with the money bag from the Vatican.
Other guys come up and want JT to find UG for them! This is the one time I was talking about that we actually see JT do something interesting. These big guys have guns and they threaten to shoot but JT says something about them not being loaded, unclenches his fist and all the bullets fall to the table. At least we know now why he's dangerous. Not that we'll ever see him do something like this again UNTIL THE END OF THE BOOK.
IN THE NIGHTSIDE: 7
Chapter 3: We Want You, John Taylor!!!
Howard Hughes wants the UG. Sends Marilyn Monroe to offer a blank check to JT.
No, I'm not kidding.
JT tries to use his "finding gift" but the Angels steal him from his body and ask him to find it for THEM. Luckily, the Angels have a lot in common with Abbot and Costello and JT is able to sneak away and back into his body. This effectively takes care of any other powers JT might possess and turns the rest of the book into a lengthy, convoluted "let's go find this person and get their information" plot that makes Dan Brown's books look like unparalleled masterpieces.
He also calls his power his "third eye" or his "private eye". That's not even remotely cute because cute, in this case, would be describing an action equated with a personality trait and JT doesn't have a personality.
JT decides that he needs the help of the even more pointless character, Shotgun Suzie. Suzie actually has one up on JT. She has one personality trait: dramatic.
She lives in a building with 'state of the art' technology because she's obsessed with security. She's given JT the codes to get into her home. He hasn't been there in six years but EUREKA!!! the codes still work! She hasn't changed them in SIX FECKING YEARS. That is not someone who's obsessed with security, Mr. Green!
Suzie is a morose slob who's completely hammered when JT arrives and she's basically living in her own waste. She agrees to help him, not for the money he offers but because she might get to kill people. This almost made me perk my ears up and take notice but it turns out that Lucy Pevensie is more hardcore than Shotgun Suzie. Suzie's main contribution will be emotional breakdowns and ordering JT to find her something to shoot. I think she only shoots one thing throughout the entire book...
After Suzie performs a "The Jetson's" like change where she's sobered up and even put on some make up. They're off to find the Demon Lordz. Why did I finish this book? Ranting rights.
IN THE NIGHTSIDE: 6
Chapter 4: Movers and Shakers
Suzie throws a fit about going into the club the Demon Lordz own cause she might get a disease or something from it. Hard to believe after seeing what her home is like.
The Demon Lordz' club turns out to be the most poorly conceived fetish club in the history of everything and I guess we're supposed to think it's a big deal when JT and Suzie aren't impressed with its "badass"ness.
They go upstairs and have a talk with the Demon Lordz, Mr. Blood and Mr. Bones who are set up to be awesome but are sadly not.
I'd just like to point something out here. A shotgun is an inefficient weapon to use outside of putting down a lame farm animal, threatening your daughters date or taking on a lone opponent from at least 10 yards away. Why? Because it's BIG. Oh, sure it LOOKS good but big means there's more places for people to grab it and yank it out of your hands, redirect it, etc. Pump action means it's pointless for multiple targets because there's a moment when you can't shoot.
Second problem. Suzie repeatedly puts the shotgun against people's/demon's/whatever's faces. NO! You do not get in close to someone when you have a gun! EVER! Guns are range weapons! You use them from far away! If someone puts a gun against your head and your arms are free, you have an 85% chance of NOT GETTING SHOT.
A mini UZI would have been perfect. Sub-machine, short body, threatening, you hold it in close, and it's light enough for the girl to carry around for a long time.
Anyway, we find out the the demons left hell cause they wanted, I shit you not, "coffee, ice cream and cold showers". Oh, good Lordz.
Suzie shoots one in the face, but it's a demon so it doesn't die and she gets scared. JT makes a threat that makes them all shit their pants and we move on to a truly boring talk with the head of the non-law.
After this they go to a new location and find a Pile O' Nazis. Neo Nazis actually but, whatever.
Now we find the only weapon that can kill the Angels that are running around cause JT feels bad about killing the people around him who are all drug addicts, murderers and conmen but taking out Heaven's enforcement team is A-OK. *sigh* Thus, we meet the Speaking Gun that could have been awesome. It, also, unmakes things. Point it and shoot at whatever you want to get rid of and, because it knows the Holy Word, it will say it backwards and unmake it. Nifty. Unfortunately, it's described as being "...made of meat. Of flesh and bone, dark-veined gristle, and shards of cartilage, held together with strips of pale skin. Living tissues, shaped into a killing tool. Thin slabs of bone made up the handle, surrounded by freckled skin. The flushed skin had a hot and sweaty look. The trigger was a long canine tooth, and the red meat of the barrel glistened wetly." Congrats, Green. You're officially trying too hard.
The Speaking Gun was owned by the Collector who's now come into the story for want of an actual villain but since he is also not a villain....Ah, hell. Forget it. He collects things. What was that? You guessed that already? Good for you! You are officially smarter than the author! Not hard to do, but still.
Anyway, they decide that the Bedlam Boys have the information they want but are notoriously *eyeroll* hard to find. And so, the stupidest lines in the book.
"The Bedlam Boys!" said Suzie.
"Of course... They wouldn't normally betray the Collector's confidence, not even to hard cases like us, *snerk* but now we have something to bargain with. He's bound to want the Speaking Gun back."
"And we'll only agree to hand it over in person."
"Got it in one. Let's go"
Cause that was SO HARD TO GET!!!
IN THE NIGHTSIDE: 11
Chapter 5: What the FUCK is Going On Here????
Apparently the Demon Lordz are going to sue for PTSD making them the daintiest demons in history.
JT thinks wasabi sauce is so hot that rivals napalm in the dangerous substances department further making him a pansy ass moron.
Bedlam Boys own yet another half rate club. Their killed by Angels only we learned previously that they aren't being turned to stone but to salt. Whatever.
JT and Suzie go off and find this guy named Nasty Jack Starlight. JT explains why he's called Nasty and it makes Suzie hate him but some of the guys I grew up with make Nasty Jack Starlight look like a delicate flower. So they interrupt him dancing on stage and have a big dialogue in front of everyone, Suzie has her first big emotional breakdown and since the writer can't handle any more himself, the location of the Collector falls into their laps through a third person.
Confused yet? It doesn't get better!
IN THE NIGHTSIDE: 14
Chapter 6: Convolution Takes Coordination!
JT and Suzie are afraid of the Angels.
Intro Razor Eddie, who is the only threatening character in the entire book. He doesn't stay long, though. He's here to snitch that he found the UG for the Collector and he's willing to tell them where it is.
Oh, the Collector's collection? It's on the MOON.
No I'm not kidding.
Anyway, Razor Eddie is thrown out the window, survives. JT and Suzie leave but before they can get out the law dude shows up again with the character Belle who's made herself invincible. She rips out Suzie's intestines but JT is able to kill Belle because of his little powers but at this point it's too little, too late. He heals Suzie with a magic wolf pelt and they almost snog but it's interrupted by a new Suzie tantrum.
Good news now.
IN THE NIGHTSIDE: 1
Chapter 7: O.o
More lazy writing. An item that's thrown in clumsily at the last moment magically makes them appear back in Alex Morrissey's bar.
Good news, though.
MERLIN SAVES THE DAY.
POOF! Merlin makes the Collector appear wearing an authentic Elvis jumpsuit!
IN THE NIGHTSIDE: 4
Chapter 8: *headdesk*headdesk*headdesk*
One last chance to think they were kidding about the moon thing. Whoops, too bad. Merlin sends the Collector, JT and Suzie to the moon for a tour of the collection, some catlike robots and retrieving the UG.
They come back.
Luckily...
IN THE NIGHTSIDE: 0
Chapter 9: Hey, Jude.
Angels are attacking on all sides.
Jude comes in.
Admits that he's actually Judas and that Jesus forgave him so he's created his own penance of staying on earth until his buddy's return. He drinks from the cup again taking away the bad out of it (smurfs' xmas special singing: Goodness makes the badness go away... Goodness makes you happy everydayayayay....).
The Angels sing, literally, and everything is good again.
IN THE NIGHTSIDE: 3
The End.
*deep breath*
The Mindless Rabble of Others?
Oh, God, YES!!!! I can't even.... *headdesk*headdesk*headdesk*headdesk*headdesk*headdesk*headdesk*headdesk*headdesk*
No, I Love You! *kissykissy*
Thankfully absent.
Dance, Magic, Dance!
Clumsy and inefficient at best. The author goes out of his way to create situations so he doesn't have to deal with it except minimally.
Where Exactly Are You From?
Green spends so much time telling us how terrifying the Nightside is that he actually forgets to make it scary. There's a place like this in every big city. Some places in Columbus are actually worse. The places in this book would only strike fear in the hearts of people who believe that nothing really bad ever happens in the world. Green seems to like the idea that he's created something scary but all he's doing is putting down a bunch of words that he finds impressive and then patting himself on the back for it.
IN THE NIGHTSIDE FINAL COUNT: 46
The only time we're out of the Nightside is that weird little fucking trip to the MOON! For every time 'in the Nightside' is used, THE NIGHTSIDE is referred to in some other form twice as much! My final count for all 'THE NIGHTSIDE's was around 150. There is NO REASON TO REFER TO IT THAT MUCH. WE GET IT! IT'S A DIFFERENT PLACE!!!! GET OVER YOURSELF, GREEN!!!
Leave Me Alone, I'm Plotting...
This book has no plot or, if it does, it's hidden so well that the CIA wouldn't be able to find it.
”Hey, what does this do?” “NO! DON’T TOUCH THAT!!”
I guess this is the Unholy Grail... which is Wholly Unimpressive. Nice try, though. I'd look forward to a story using Judas Iscariot's chalice in a worthwhile manner.
Why? WHY? Oh, the AGONY!!!!!
Um, did you not read the review?
Honestly, if the author hadn't been hell bent on taking this so seriously and thrown drama to the wind he could have had a DAMN good camp novel. There were some genuinely hilarious lines but they're overshadowed by bad writing and overrated descriptions about how "badass", "hardcore", "threatening" and "terrifying" everything and everyone was.
Seriously, don't waste your time with this book. It's not worth the loss of brain cells.
Awesome excerpt:
"Elvis, as we all know, was so full of pills when he died they had to bury him in a coffin with a childproof lid."
Next Up:
Dead Until Dark by Charlaine Harris
Knockemstiff by Donald Ray Pollock
The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle