home again home again
Yeah, so.
My grandfather did die- turns out it was a week ago, though-- I suspected it had happened around Wednesday. My family didn't want to tell me because of finals and that awful panic attack (the one that sent me to the E.R., which was, ironically, the day he died). The funeral was yesterday and it was really, really sad.
Okay, so I don't know why I'm worried so much about Michelle (in regards to James). I can't place what is giving me these really negative vibes, so I keep postulating what it could be, and coming up with different things that make sense...the thing is, none of them actually fits. I'm not one to hold a grudge against someone for saying mean and untruthful things, especially being as she apologized, which shows she obviously has good character. I mean, christ, I've never even met her; I have no right to think bad things about her. This is not like me at all, to be so irrationally upset over nothing at all. So I keep rationalizing, and rationalizing, but the truth of the matter is, I think it's just that it's too similar to the last situation I found myself in, and it makes me horribly uneasy. Like, seriously. That picture nearly made me throw up, right there in his dorm room, and it's never entirely left the back of my mind. This feeling came into play a little bit after I talked to her, but it wasn't in full swing until I saw that picture. Oh, jealousy. Since when am I so jealous when I KNOW James loves ME and I KNOW he's not going to hurt me? I KNOW all these things and would never question them for more than a second...
...I hate being me sometimes. I hate that I'm like this. I just want to be okay with the situation, and I tried to be! Part of the reason I wanted to talk to Michelle myself earlier in the semester was that I really, really wanted to be okay with her...like, I had some strange desire for her approval, though I knew I wasn't going to get it...and I wanted to approve of her more. I didn't want to get jealous. I just wanted to get over all this bullshit and move on, and I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with it now when it seemed so within reach two months ago.
*sigh*
back to my room for a bit.
=A=
My grandfather did die- turns out it was a week ago, though-- I suspected it had happened around Wednesday. My family didn't want to tell me because of finals and that awful panic attack (the one that sent me to the E.R., which was, ironically, the day he died). The funeral was yesterday and it was really, really sad.
Okay, so I don't know why I'm worried so much about Michelle (in regards to James). I can't place what is giving me these really negative vibes, so I keep postulating what it could be, and coming up with different things that make sense...the thing is, none of them actually fits. I'm not one to hold a grudge against someone for saying mean and untruthful things, especially being as she apologized, which shows she obviously has good character. I mean, christ, I've never even met her; I have no right to think bad things about her. This is not like me at all, to be so irrationally upset over nothing at all. So I keep rationalizing, and rationalizing, but the truth of the matter is, I think it's just that it's too similar to the last situation I found myself in, and it makes me horribly uneasy. Like, seriously. That picture nearly made me throw up, right there in his dorm room, and it's never entirely left the back of my mind. This feeling came into play a little bit after I talked to her, but it wasn't in full swing until I saw that picture. Oh, jealousy. Since when am I so jealous when I KNOW James loves ME and I KNOW he's not going to hurt me? I KNOW all these things and would never question them for more than a second...
...I hate being me sometimes. I hate that I'm like this. I just want to be okay with the situation, and I tried to be! Part of the reason I wanted to talk to Michelle myself earlier in the semester was that I really, really wanted to be okay with her...like, I had some strange desire for her approval, though I knew I wasn't going to get it...and I wanted to approve of her more. I didn't want to get jealous. I just wanted to get over all this bullshit and move on, and I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with it now when it seemed so within reach two months ago.
*sigh*
back to my room for a bit.
=A=