Fred's Five Times.
Fred believes that holding onto past resentment is bad for one's chi. Nevertheless:
Five Times Someone I Loved Did Something I Hated, Plus An Extra Footnote For Someone Especially Unbeloved.
ARTHUR WEASLEY
Don’t blame you for wondering why I’m choosing you, and not Mum. And here’s why: Mum’s insane. You married a crazy woman. A wonderful, loving, brilliant crazy woman who makes great stews, but a crazy woman nonetheless. I love her, and you love her, but there’s no denying that she’s slightly unhinged. Mum is just… Mum, and I can forgive her completely for all the times she didn’t understand about what GeorgeandI were doing. Didn’t really expect her to understand in the first place, what with the crazy.
But you bloody well understood, Dad. I know you did. You feel the same way about Muggle crap rubber ducks and dishwashers as I do about blowing things up, or George does about putting Anti-Friction Charms on the backs of people’s shoes. You know exactly how much we love doing what we do, and you knew that we were serious about wanting to be silly for the rest of our lives.
So when Mum eventually found the order forms and started the whole palaver with the yelling and the headaches and the bringing up our OWLs (or lack thereof), what did you do?
Not a bloody thing, that’s what.
Yeah, it was clear from the start that we didn’t stand a chance, but if you’d defended us, if you’d helped us, if you’d even opened your mouth - Mum might actually have paused for breath long enough to hear some of what we had to say. I know she’s a bit scary when she gets going, but BLOODY HELL. Would it kill you to wear the trousers once in a while?
OLIVER WOOD (strictly platonic, just so all you skeptical bastards know)
Ollie, you were a cracking Captain and a good mate and a laugh and a half and you didn’t kick me or George off the team ONCE like you always threatened to do, which shows you are barmy and masochistic and have the patience of a saint and are therefore a GOOD MAN TO KNOW.
That old habit of christening people with exotic new nicknames once you got a bit hammered, however, was occasionally less than charming. Take that one time at Kenneth Towler’s birthday do.
Luckily for you, ‘Ginger Pubes’ never caught on. If it had, you would be a dead man.
GEORGE WEASLEY
When you told me.
It was telling me. Not trying to hide it from me, not actually being it, the worst thing you did was telling me.
Not that I didn’t know. I fucking knew. I know everything about you, Georgie. I know how you like your eggs. I know what number you’re thinking of between 1 and 100. (Sixty-two and a half, you cheat.) I’d know what colour underwear you were wearing, if you were wearing any.
It was telling me, you big fat wanker. You knew I knew; you didn’t have to go and make me acknowledge it. Remember denial? Denial was good. I miss denial. I WANT DENIAL BACK, FOR FUCKSSAKE.
Look, I don’t hate it because you do men up the arse - which, by the way, is bloody disgusting - or because you can compliment Angelina’s clothes more convincingly than I can, or because - and I know you think it’s the real reason - because it makes us less the same.
IT’S BECAUSE THE THOUGHT THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER BLOKE MIGHT EVER BE AS IMPORTANT TO YOU AS THE RELATIONSHIP YOU AND I HAVE MAKES ME FEEL SICK AND WEAK AND LIKE PERSONALLY ELIMINATING EVERY POOFTER FROM HERE TO TIPPERARY.
Alright?
P.S. Okay, maybe it is partly the fact that you bum blokes. Love and cherish you (and Bill , despite his stupid flippy girl-hair) but I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FIND THAT IN ANY WAY APPEALING.
ANGELINA JOHNSON
When you paused to think about it after I asked you to go to the Ball with me. I was told know it wasn’t actually that long, but it did seem a BLOODY LONG TIME. I mean. Unnecessary. Playing hard to get is all very well when done in private, but the room was full of people, watching. Judging. Picking their noses.
Let’s face it, I’m a catch. Half the girls in that room would have probably fallen on bended knee and wept with gratitude if I’d asked them, capisce? There was really no need for so much consideration.
Cheers for saying yes, though.
GINNY WEASLEY
When you went and grew up while I wasn’t paying attention.
And Percy? Guess what, I’m not putting you on the list. I don’t love you, not anymore, and I don’t hate you anymore either. I really couldn’t give a toss about you. If you’re capable of saying stuff like that to our parents, you’re not worth any particular emotion.
Still, if a Hippogriff shat on your face while you were sleeping, I can’t say I wouldn’t be chuffed.
Five Times Someone I Loved Did Something I Hated, Plus An Extra Footnote For Someone Especially Unbeloved.
ARTHUR WEASLEY
Don’t blame you for wondering why I’m choosing you, and not Mum. And here’s why: Mum’s insane. You married a crazy woman. A wonderful, loving, brilliant crazy woman who makes great stews, but a crazy woman nonetheless. I love her, and you love her, but there’s no denying that she’s slightly unhinged. Mum is just… Mum, and I can forgive her completely for all the times she didn’t understand about what GeorgeandI were doing. Didn’t really expect her to understand in the first place, what with the crazy.
But you bloody well understood, Dad. I know you did. You feel the same way about Muggle crap rubber ducks and dishwashers as I do about blowing things up, or George does about putting Anti-Friction Charms on the backs of people’s shoes. You know exactly how much we love doing what we do, and you knew that we were serious about wanting to be silly for the rest of our lives.
So when Mum eventually found the order forms and started the whole palaver with the yelling and the headaches and the bringing up our OWLs (or lack thereof), what did you do?
Not a bloody thing, that’s what.
Yeah, it was clear from the start that we didn’t stand a chance, but if you’d defended us, if you’d helped us, if you’d even opened your mouth - Mum might actually have paused for breath long enough to hear some of what we had to say. I know she’s a bit scary when she gets going, but BLOODY HELL. Would it kill you to wear the trousers once in a while?
OLIVER WOOD (strictly platonic, just so all you skeptical bastards know)
Ollie, you were a cracking Captain and a good mate and a laugh and a half and you didn’t kick me or George off the team ONCE like you always threatened to do, which shows you are barmy and masochistic and have the patience of a saint and are therefore a GOOD MAN TO KNOW.
That old habit of christening people with exotic new nicknames once you got a bit hammered, however, was occasionally less than charming. Take that one time at Kenneth Towler’s birthday do.
Luckily for you, ‘Ginger Pubes’ never caught on. If it had, you would be a dead man.
GEORGE WEASLEY
When you told me.
It was telling me. Not trying to hide it from me, not actually being it, the worst thing you did was telling me.
Not that I didn’t know. I fucking knew. I know everything about you, Georgie. I know how you like your eggs. I know what number you’re thinking of between 1 and 100. (Sixty-two and a half, you cheat.) I’d know what colour underwear you were wearing, if you were wearing any.
It was telling me, you big fat wanker. You knew I knew; you didn’t have to go and make me acknowledge it. Remember denial? Denial was good. I miss denial. I WANT DENIAL BACK, FOR FUCKSSAKE.
Look, I don’t hate it because you do men up the arse - which, by the way, is bloody disgusting - or because you can compliment Angelina’s clothes more convincingly than I can, or because - and I know you think it’s the real reason - because it makes us less the same.
IT’S BECAUSE THE THOUGHT THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER BLOKE MIGHT EVER BE AS IMPORTANT TO YOU AS THE RELATIONSHIP YOU AND I HAVE MAKES ME FEEL SICK AND WEAK AND LIKE PERSONALLY ELIMINATING EVERY POOFTER FROM HERE TO TIPPERARY.
Alright?
P.S. Okay, maybe it is partly the fact that you bum blokes. Love and cherish you (and Bill , despite his stupid flippy girl-hair) but I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FIND THAT IN ANY WAY APPEALING.
ANGELINA JOHNSON
When you paused to think about it after I asked you to go to the Ball with me. I was told know it wasn’t actually that long, but it did seem a BLOODY LONG TIME. I mean. Unnecessary. Playing hard to get is all very well when done in private, but the room was full of people, watching. Judging. Picking their noses.
Let’s face it, I’m a catch. Half the girls in that room would have probably fallen on bended knee and wept with gratitude if I’d asked them, capisce? There was really no need for so much consideration.
Cheers for saying yes, though.
GINNY WEASLEY
When you went and grew up while I wasn’t paying attention.
And Percy? Guess what, I’m not putting you on the list. I don’t love you, not anymore, and I don’t hate you anymore either. I really couldn’t give a toss about you. If you’re capable of saying stuff like that to our parents, you’re not worth any particular emotion.
Still, if a Hippogriff shat on your face while you were sleeping, I can’t say I wouldn’t be chuffed.