I'm sorry I'm so strange.
This is what happens when I get really bored at work:
Dear Iceberg Lettuce,
Why are you so horrible? I mean by all intents and purposes, you really shouldn't be that bad. You're made of water! It's like eating the sea without the salt and seals and oil spills. Yet somehow, you manage to be absolutely and completely terrible; a mouthful of stale, crunchy/squelchy bucket water that nothing can ever overpower. Cheese can't help you, you water down ranch dressing, and you punch bacon's superior flavor right in the gut with your flavorless fist. Why, Iceberg? Why?
I would have totally enjoyed the salad I ate today if not for you! There you were, lurking at the bottom of my salad bowl to ruin what should have been a perfectly delicious salad. Dammit, you even ruined the chicken! You made the salad dressing runny before I even started slicing the cherry tomatoes open! Have you no shame?
A pox on you, Iceberg! If it weren't for you and Wendy's vile trickery (coating you with your far more palatable brother, Field Green) I would never have had to eat that piece of chocolate cake! Fuck you! Fuck you very much!
Go somewhere and die,
Tifa
In other news: If you e-mail me your address, I will send you a Christmas gift! You don't have to give me a gift in return, just be aware that if something I see reminds me of you and/or makes me laugh really hard you're going to end up with it! Feel free to pass this along to anyone else I'm friends with that doesn't have/read my livejournal!
Dear Iceberg Lettuce,
Why are you so horrible? I mean by all intents and purposes, you really shouldn't be that bad. You're made of water! It's like eating the sea without the salt and seals and oil spills. Yet somehow, you manage to be absolutely and completely terrible; a mouthful of stale, crunchy/squelchy bucket water that nothing can ever overpower. Cheese can't help you, you water down ranch dressing, and you punch bacon's superior flavor right in the gut with your flavorless fist. Why, Iceberg? Why?
I would have totally enjoyed the salad I ate today if not for you! There you were, lurking at the bottom of my salad bowl to ruin what should have been a perfectly delicious salad. Dammit, you even ruined the chicken! You made the salad dressing runny before I even started slicing the cherry tomatoes open! Have you no shame?
A pox on you, Iceberg! If it weren't for you and Wendy's vile trickery (coating you with your far more palatable brother, Field Green) I would never have had to eat that piece of chocolate cake! Fuck you! Fuck you very much!
Go somewhere and die,
Tifa
In other news: If you e-mail me your address, I will send you a Christmas gift! You don't have to give me a gift in return, just be aware that if something I see reminds me of you and/or makes me laugh really hard you're going to end up with it! Feel free to pass this along to anyone else I'm friends with that doesn't have/read my livejournal!