Heliotrope (GD/YB)
Title: Heliotrope
Beta: Tama & Momo
Pairing: Ji Yong/Young Bae
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Young Bae is secretly not gay.
A/N: For those who haven't seen him, this is YB's brother. ^^b
And once I'm god-king of the universe, all Taeyang fans will call themselves heliotropes. :D
Ji Yong suddenly turns his head toward him and leans in, lips puckered and eyes closed. The shutter clicks and Young Bae flinches back. Again with the fanservice. He pastes a smile onto his face, even manages a laugh, and hopes that's enough to compensate for his instinctive reaction. It didn't bother him before, but, well... something changed. He's not sure what.
He tilts his head and grabs onto his collar, looking into the camera lens. All right, he knows exactly what it is: They got older, and it became increasingly obvious that Ji Yong is actually gay - honest-to-God, one-hundred-percent gay, interested in having sex with other men and all that. It really shouldn't bother Young Bae, but the thought makes him cringe. It's hard to be comfortable around Ji Yong, now. Not because he's gay - Young Bae would support his friends no matter what. No, it's because Ji Yong keeps... flirting with him or something. He always does it in public, too - during photo shoots or interviews or anything involving a camera, he'll start with the fake kisses and the wandering hands and the cuddling. Young Bae feels like he's being tested every single time. He's going to have to tell Ji Yong to knock it off one of these days. He just hopes he can muster up the courage to do it before Ji Yong gets the wrong idea.
***
Ji Yong creeps into Young Bae's bedroom, PSP in hand, and closes the door before sitting in his computer chair. Young Bae looks at him over his English textbook.
"I'm playing Silent Hill," he says nonchalantly as he rolls the chair closer to his bed. "It's kinda scary if you're alone."
Young Bae snorts amusedly. Only Ji Yong would still do that kind of thing at twenty years old. He nods in acknowledgment and goes back to his book. The chapter his tutor wants him to read is pretty difficult - something about space exploration, with lots of words he'll probably never use - and he'll never get it done if he doesn't concentrate.
Ji Yong leaves him alone for about five minutes, then crawls into bed next to him while he's trying to look up the word "solar". Young Bae is lying right in the middle of the bed, which doesn't leave Ji Yong much room, but he doesn't seem to see it as an inconvenience as he lowers himself half on top of him and wiggles around until he's comfortable, one leg twined around his and his nose millimeters away from Young Bae's ear.
"What are you looking up?"
"Solar," Young Bae replies, and tries to scoot away a little. Ji Yong clings, and then Young Bae's head bumps against Boss so he has to stop trying. He doesn't want to wake him up.
"Oh. Isn't it related to you?"
"... What?" Young Bae says confusedly, then sees the definition in his dictionary and understands. "Oh. Yeah." He tries reading the sentence in his textbook again. Ji Yong's breath is tickling one of his ears and Boss's fur the other. He gives up after the words slide off his brain for the fourth time and puts his book aside, turning his head gingerly to face Ji Yong. He needs to talk to him, as much as he doesn't want to.
It becomes obvious that it's too late, that Ji Yong's already gotten the wrong idea, when he sees the slight smile on his face. He only has time to take in a breath and open his mouth, unsure of what he's actually going to say, before Ji Yong's lips are on his. He has no idea what to do. They've kissed once before, when they were sixteen, but it hadn't been... serious.
Ji Yong's tongue brushes against his and it's enough to shock Young Bae out of his petrified state. He raises his hand and pushes on Ji Yong's chest lightly until he pulls away, then tries not to look as panicked as he feels. "I-- We should sleep," he stutters out, feeling his face burn.
The brief flicker of disappointment on Ji Yong's face is quickly replaced by another smile. "Okay." He sits up, turns off the light, and settles against Young Bae again. "'Night."
Young Bae stays very still as Ji Yong presses another kiss to the corner of his mouth. The lack of response is apparently enough to stop him, at least for now, and he nuzzles his way to the crook of Young Bae's neck before going still.
Young Bae stares up at the ceiling, hoping Ji Yong can't feel his heart pounding. He's uncomfortably warm where he and Boss are touching him, but he doesn't want to move in case it provokes Ji Yong into doing... something. It takes ages before he manages to fall asleep, feeling like a coward.
***
Ji Yong casually holds his hand in the van the next day, keeping a lose grip on it as he gestures while talking about something Young Bae would be paying attention to if Ji Yong wasn't holding his hand. He's trying hard to ignore everyone instead of listening.
Seung Hyun manages to meet his eyes and glances at Ji Yong before raising his eyebrows slightly. Young Bae pretends he didn't notice the silent question and stares at the fingernails of his free hand.
He puts up with the hand-holding until his palm is clammy and he can't stand it anymore, then pulls away under the pretense of scratching his nose. He sneaks a look at Ji Yong, fearing his reaction, but he only smiles at him, his hand settling on Young Bae's knee instead.
He spends the next several minutes wondering which option is worse and has almost talked himself into taking Ji Yong's hand again when their manager parks the van. He nearly climbs over Dae Sung in his hurry to get out, making a mental note not to sit next to Ji Yong again.
***
"I'm going to bed," Young Bae announces that night, not really tired. It's much earlier than Ji Yong's usual bed time, though, and he's hoping that'll save him more awkwardness. He stands up and heads to his room. His stomach drops down to his toes when he hears footsteps behind him, but he refuses to look until he's reached the door, hoping against hope that someone else just decided to go to bed too.
He turns around and his stomach lurches again when he sees Ji Yong right in front of him, even though he was expecting it. He doesn't want to know what Seung Hyun, Dae Sung and Seung Ri must be thinking. "... What are you doing?" he asks quietly.
Ji Yong smiles at him and leans in. "Just saying good night."
Young Bae sees the kiss coming this time, but his entire body freezes up again. At least there's no tongue - just a brief, soft pressure, and he almost finds himself thinking that kisses aren't that bad before mentally smacking himself back to reason. He's not going to pretend he likes his best friend like that. It wouldn't be fair.
"Listen," he starts, and Ji Yong looks at him, the smile still lingering on his face. "I'm... There's... I don't like it when you touch me in front of other people."
"Oh." He shrugs. "Okay. I won't."
Young Bae closes the door a moment later and thumps his forehead against it a few times, eyes closed tightly.
***
To Young Bae's surprise, Ji Yong stays true to his word and keeps his hands off him in public. The quiet, uncharacteristic obedience is even scarier than if Ji Yong had just kept doing it. He really needs to say something now, but the raging guilt keeps him from objecting as Ji Yong keeps up his little good night routine, following him to his room for a kiss every night. He lingers a little longer every time, though, touching his cheek or trailing his fingers over his chest or deepening the kiss for just a few seconds, and Young Bae doesn't think he'll be able to keep it up for much longer. He feels like a trapped animal, and the extra stress is exhausting him.
He's been having incredibly absurd dreams on top of everything else. He wakes up from the latest one - in which Ji Yong caught him kissing a girl and refused to speak to him ever again - panting and wide-eyed, and gets out of bed, too restless to go back to sleep.
He ends up standing aimlessly in the dark, quiet living room before deciding to practice some dance moves, grateful for the large mirror in their new apartment. He turns on a small light and stretches out, then starts practicing, watching himself carefully and keeping a tight lid on all the thoughts trying to form in his mind. They usually aren't conductive to getting any sleep.
He's just about to stop, pleasantly worn out and ready to try sleeping again, when Ji Yong shuffles into the room, cradling Boss in his arms and blinking blearily. Young Bae freezes, watching him through the mirror as he curls up on the couch and sets Boss down next to him. Once again, he has no idea what to do, so he just goes back to dancing, ignoring the way Ji Yong's eyes follow his movements.
After a while, though, legs shaky and lungs burning, he has no choice but to stop. He sits down next to Boss, catching his breath, and pets him silently. Maybe he'll be able to scoop him up and go back to bed without having to say anything.
"You're so hot," Ji Yong says in a low voice.
Young Bae keeps his eyes down, wishing he'd put on a shirt. "... Thanks." He blinks as Ji Yong picks Boss up and puts him on the arm of the couch, every alarm bell in his mind suddenly going off. "Um, I was just going to..."
Ji Yong slides closer and kisses him before he can finish that sentence, and there's nothing light about it this time. He forces his lips apart and puts his hands everywhere and Young Bae can only sit there and take it, because he can't even imagine how mortifying it would be if he told him to stop right then. He does his best to forget about Ji Yong's wandering hands and focuses on his mouth instead, experimentally kissing him back. The soft, happy moan he gets in return sends a shiver down his spine, but he doesn't have time to think about his own reaction before Ji Yong takes his hand and pulls it under the waistband of his pyjama pants.
He does try to pull away, but Ji Yong holds onto him firmly and whines out a breathless "come on", and a few seconds later both their hands are around Ji Yong's cock, fingers intertwined. He lets Ji Yong pull him into a steady rhythm and does his best to think of it as being just like jerking himself off. It isn't, though.
Ji Yong pulls his own hand away and Young Bae kisses him again just so he doesn't have to look at him as he keeps stroking his cock. It takes only a couple of minutes before Ji Yong comes, and Young Bae thinks he must like him a whole lot, because he's pretty sure he wasn't especially good at it or anything. He pulls his hand out of Ji Yong's pants and reaches for a nearby box of tissues, desperate to wipe off the slimy, disgusting mess.
Three tissues later, he can still feel the come on his fingers and his skin is crawling. Ji Yong moves even closer and reaches for his crotch, and he bolts upright on pure instinct. "I'm gonna go take a shower," he blurts out.
Ji Yong has his back to the dim light, so it's hard to tell, but Young Bae thinks he can see him frown as he flees to the bathroom. Tomorrow, he tells himself as he closes the door and locks it. He'll talk to him tomorrow.
***
Young Bae gathers up all of his courage and pulls Ji Yong over to his room right after breakfast, ignoring the amused smirk Seung Hyun shoots him. They don't have much time before their manager picks them up, but they probably won't have another opportunity to speak in private before they come back to the apartment to sleep. Considering his track record when it comes to dealing with Ji Yong at night, he'd rather not wait until then.
Ji Yong doesn't kiss him as soon as he closes the door behind himself, which seems like a good sign. "'Sup?" he asks with a little smile, crossing his arms and leaning back against the door.
Young Bae takes a deep breath. "... I'm not gay."
The smile melts away, replaced by a carefully neutral, slightly cool expression. "So what?"
"So I don't... I mean... Can we just be friends?" he asks lamely. "Like before."
The temperature in the room seems to drop a few more degrees. "Fine. Whatever," Ji Yong mutters as he turns to leave. Young Bae should have known he'd be too proud to take his decision well. He can stand having Ji Yong sulk and give him the silent treatment for a few days, though, if it means things will go back to what they were before.
***
Ji Yong slowly thaws out over the next week or so, just like he expected. It's not exactly like before - Ji Yong never sits next to him anymore, or dozes on his shoulder in the van, or sneaks into his room at night to talk for hours. Young Bae kind of misses all of that, but he figures it's a fair trade for his peace of mind.
He finds it kind of awkward, though, when Ji Yong starts rebounding all over the place. Seung Ri and Seung Hyun become his Big Bang members of choice for fanservice and being used as human pillows, but everyone knows they're both straight. So it doesn't exactly come as a surprise when Ji Yong ushers a WaWa dancer into the van with them after dance practice one evening, but Young Bae can't quite bring himself to look at them. He stares at his shoes the whole way home, listening to the quiet murmurs and snickers next to him.
Young Bae's room shares a wall with Ji Yong's, and before long he's taken to sleeping with his pillow on his head (and Boss on his pillow), eyes shut tightly as he tries not to think about what Ji Yong is doing. He slips up one night, though, when the moaning gets so loud he can't ignore it any longer. That WaWa guy is obviously good at whatever he's doing, and curiosity gnaws at him until he finally takes the pillow off his head and listens more intently, wondering what's making Ji Yong sound like that.
He hears a faint, rhythmic thumping sound, figures it out, and what feels like all the blood in his body rushes to his face. If that's what Ji Yong wanted him to do, he's glad he broke things off relatively early on.
***
Young Bae walks into studio A five minutes early and blinks when he sees Ji Yong comfortably curled up in a chair next to Perry, holding a half-eaten bowl of instant ramyun. Ji Yong avoids his eyes, but Perry gives him a dirty look. It's pretty obvious what they were talking about, and Young Bae isn't sure whether to feel bad because their relationship was that important to Ji Yong, or just angry that he's talking about him behind his back.
"Sorry. I'll come back later," he says flatly, taking a step back.
"'S okay," Ji Yong replies, then slurps up some noodles, sets the bowl aside and grabs his notebook. "What song are we starting with?"
"Come Be My Lady," Perry says, pushing a chair toward Young Bae with another little look in his direction.
Young Bae holds back a sigh as he closes the door and sits down, wondering how much more awkwardness can be packed into a single human life.
***
The answer to his question comes two weeks later, when Big Bang gets a few days off and his mom decides it'd be a great idea to have a family dinner - with Ji Yong, of course, since he and Young Bae have been best friends for so long that she considers him family.
He's saddled with the wonderful task of inviting Ji Yong without making it sound like something more than it is, and tries to mention that it was his mother's idea in a way that doesn't imply he doesn't want to see Ji Yong. His head hurts by the time he's done asking, but Ji Yong's casual "sure, sounds like fun" is exactly what he was hoping for. He's glad Ji Yong still wants to spend time with him - as friends, that is.
Dinner goes incredibly well. They sit side by side and talk about everything under the sun and joke around like they used to. Young Bae even manages to forget about the whole gay fiasco for a while, and he's starting to hope that Ji Yong is over it too.
His mother indulgently breaks out some beer and soju, which surprises him until he remembers that he's old enough to drink the stuff, now. After a beer or two, Hyun Bae somehow draws them both into a lively debate over girl groups. Ji Yong defends After School heatedly, and it kind of surprises Young Bae because it seems to him like Ji Yong shouldn't really have an opinion. He backs him up, though, because the After School girls are sexier than Sonyeo Shidae.
They talk until everyone's yawning and his mom waves them off to bed. Hyun Bae heads to his old bedroom (which is now a guest room), and Young Bae leads Ji Yong to his room. He's tipsy enough that the obvious problem doesn't occur to him until he's standing in front of his bed.
Bed. Singular.
He turns to Ji Yong and chews on his lip as he tries to formulate his objection in a way that's not hurtful. He fails before he even opens his mouth - Ji Yong reads his mind and frowns at him, looking somewhere between disappointed and ticked off. "I'm not gonna touch you." He grabs his bag and takes out his pyjamas.
Young Bae turns away to change too, doing it slowly enough to be sure that Ji Yong will be done by the time he's finished. "I know, it's just... I'll sleep on the couch if you want me to."
"That'd look weird."
He has a point, so Young Bae doesn't say anything. They get into bed, Young Bae lying stiffly on his back, making sure that no part of his body is crossing the line he's mentally drawn down the middle of the mattress. The beer in his system makes him relax much faster than he thought he would - they've slept together dozens of times as best friends, after all - and he's stopped worrying by the time he falls asleep.
***
He wakes up alone, sprawled in the middle of the bed. It's still dark, and a quick check of his cellphone tells him he's only slept for an hour. Ji Yong must have gone to the bathroom. He carefully moves back to the safe half of the bed and waits for him to come back.
And waits and waits and waits, until he has to go to the bathroom. He gets up and makes his way to it in the dark. Ji Yong isn't in or anywhere near it, so he decides to take a quick look around the house before going back to bed. There's light under Hyun Bae's door, so he walks over and opens it, figuring they must be talking again.
He takes one step forward and freezes with his hand still on the doorknob. Hyun Bae is sitting on the edge of his bed, staring at him with wide eyes. There's no mistaking what Ji Yong is doing, kneeling at his feet with one hand on his thigh. There's a wet popping noise Young Bae doesn't want to think about, then Ji Yong looks at him calmly over his shoulder, lips shining and hair sticking up in every direction.
"Sorry," Young Bae says quickly before backing out of the room, closing the door. He stares at it for a moment, stunned, then makes his way back to bed on autopilot, a thousand questions running through his mind. He didn't even know his brother liked men that way, never mind the fact that he apparently likes Ji Yong enough to let him... do that. And he has no idea what Ji Yong thinks he's doing and why that WaWa guy isn't enough for him.
He buries his face into his pillow and tries to ignore the very unwanted mental images that keep popping back into his mind. He'll never be able to go back to sleep.
***
Their manager picks them up after the longest, most painful breakfast he's ever sat through. He doesn't remember much about it besides the fact that it all felt and tasted like cardboard to him - he just stared into his bowl for most of it, not listening to his brother's overly-cheerful attempts at normal conversation. The shock and confusion has turned into anger overnight. He's not even sure which one he's mad at, but he doesn't want to talk to either of them.
He sits as far as he can from Ji Yong in the van and checks his cellphone to give himself something to do. His brother sent him a text message at three in the morning (apparently he's not the only one who had trouble sleeping). Anger flares up in the pit of his stomach again as he reads it. It says only "don't tell mom ^^,,". He can't believe Hyun Bae didn't at least apologize, then wonders why he's even expecting an apology. Ji Yong isn't his boyfriend, after all.
He takes a deep breath and flips his cellphone closed, not bothering to send a reply.
"You okay?" Ji Yong asks, eyeing him guardedly.
"No. I can't believe you did that," Young Bae hisses in reply after making sure their manager is focused on driving.
Ji Yong doesn't react right away. He chews on his fingernail, examines the result, then shrugs as he looks up at him again. "He looks like you."
Young Bae listens for any trace of flippancy in his voice, almost wanting a reason to tear into him. He's dead serious, though, and Young Bae feels his anger evaporate, replaced by that familiar mix of crushing guilt and embarrassment. He sighs and turns away, leaning his forehead against the window and closing his eyes.
***
He thinks about the disastrous visit to his parents' house a bit too much one night, and fully realizes the implications of what Ji Yong told him in the van. He was thinking about him while his brother's cock was in his mouth. Just thinking that makes him flush, but he can't deny that the idea is... intriguing. No one's ever done that to him.
He allows himself to think about it for a moment - his fingers tangled in Ji Yong's hair and the wet warmth around his cock - and the idea doesn't bother him nearly as much as what he heard in Ji Yong's room a while ago. His hand strays down into his boxers and he strokes himself slowly, letting his mind wander.
A few minutes later, he carefully cleans himself up, pulls the covers up again, and wonders what the hell is wrong with him. He doesn't know if it's possible to be partially gay, depending on which body parts are involved, but he still doesn't want anything to do with any part of Ji Yong that's below his waist. After thinking about it for a long time, though, he decides that he wouldn't really mind kissing him again.
***
Young Bae feels like his newfound fascination for Ji Yong's mouth is plastered all over his face. He gets distracted by the stupidest things - Ji Yong sucking on candy, or mock-kissing Seung Ri, or eating noodles - and it always takes him a few seconds to snap out of it, despite his best efforts. Even the nail-biting sends his mind right to places it really shouldn't go. Ji Yong's been giving him funny looks lately, and it seems impossible that he hasn't noticed.
Young Bae finds himself hoping that Ji Yong is going to try kissing him again, or hold his hand again, at least. It becomes increasingly obvious that he's completely given up on him, though, and that Young Bae will have to make the first move.
He looks for a good opportunity during most of the following week. They're too busy to have a chance to talk in private, and Ji Yong keeps running off to promote the Strong Baby remix, making things even more difficult. He does manage to be alone with him a few times, but Ji Yong leaves before Young Bae can muster up the guts to say something.
One day, though, Ji Yong comes back from the SBS studios looking exhausted, and heads straight for his room. "I'm going to bed," he mutters as he walks past him and Dae Sung.
Young Bae leaps to his feet. He catches up to him just in time and puts a hand on the door to make sure he doesn't close it. "Wait!"
Ji Yong blinks at him with mild curiosity, saying nothing, and Young Bae realizes he has no idea what he wants to say. He's thought about it at length, of course, but now that Ji Yong is actually in front of him, he's drawing a complete blank. He steps inside to buy some time, looking at a spot on the wall behind Ji Yong's head. "Uh... I just wanted to say good night," he finally comes up with. He's pretty sure it hadn't sounded that ridiculous coming out of Ji Yong's mouth.
He looks at him with clear disbelief, which Young Bae takes as a good sign until it turns into very obvious annoyance. "Yeah, well. 'Night."
"No, I mean..." Young Bae wipes his palms on his jeans. "Can I kiss you?"
He gets a wary look in return this time. "Why?"
"'Cause... 'Cause I wanna try?" He thought YG was the only person who could make him feel utterly pathetic just by looking at him, but he has some serious competition now. "Try again, I mean. I just thought-- I'm sorry I--"
"Fine," Ji Yong cuts in. And then he just stands there. And if Young Bae doesn't do something now, he's going to run away and stay under his pillow until he suffocates. He takes a deep breath and forces himself to move closer, looking at Ji Yong's mouth because it's more encouraging than his eyes are.
When he finally presses their lips together, Ji Yong's reaction seems to indicate that he's not as angry as he's trying to look - he puts his hand on the back of Young Bae's neck and kisses him back softly. It feels much nicer than Young Bae remembered, and he smiles when they come up for air, even though his heart is still pounding.
Ji Yong looks at him thoughtfully for a few seconds, caressing the back of his neck. "... I'm going to bed," he says, and then Young Bae gets pushed out the door gently and doesn't have time to say anything before it closes in his face.
He doesn't even try to understand Ji Yong's reasoning as he heads back to the living room. He let Young Bae kiss him and they both liked it and Young Bae, for once, doesn't feel like he's about to keel over from sheer embarrassment. That seems like a huge victory.
***
Ji Yong acts like nothing happened the following morning. Young Bae picks at his breakfast and drives himself crazy trying to figure out whether he should kiss him again or talk to him or... something. By the time they're ushered over to their van, he feels pretty agitated, certain that Ji Yong won't be impressed with him if he just starts acting... straight again.
He climbs in and looks at Seung Hyun, who's wedged Ji Yong between him and the far door. "... Move," he tells him. Seung Hyun raises an eyebrow, then snorts and scoots over. Young Bae climbs over him with some difficulty and flops down next to Ji Yong, who spares him a glance before going back to looking out the window.
He stares at the back of Ji Yong's head until it's obvious he's not going to turn again or say anything, then reaches over and grabs his hand. That gets him to turn around, but Young Bae looks away, trying to affect something resembling nonchalance.
"What's going on?" Ji Yong asks very quietly.
Young Bae shrugs.
"Are you gay or not?"
Seung Hyun makes a production out of taking his iPod out of his bag and putting on his headphones, which Young Bae is grateful for. "I dunno," he replies truthfully. "I like you. I wanna try."
Ji Yong seems to mull over that answer for a moment, then sighs and puts his head on Young Bae's shoulder. "Fine."
Young Bae turns his head just enough to see a hint of Ji Yong's smile and suddenly finds it much easier to breathe. He wants him happy, and having to do some things he's not entirely comfortable with once in a while seems better than the alternative. And he thinks there's a chance he just might get used to it. Some of it, anyway.
Beta: Tama & Momo
Pairing: Ji Yong/Young Bae
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Young Bae is secretly not gay.
A/N: For those who haven't seen him, this is YB's brother. ^^b
And once I'm god-king of the universe, all Taeyang fans will call themselves heliotropes. :D
Ji Yong suddenly turns his head toward him and leans in, lips puckered and eyes closed. The shutter clicks and Young Bae flinches back. Again with the fanservice. He pastes a smile onto his face, even manages a laugh, and hopes that's enough to compensate for his instinctive reaction. It didn't bother him before, but, well... something changed. He's not sure what.
He tilts his head and grabs onto his collar, looking into the camera lens. All right, he knows exactly what it is: They got older, and it became increasingly obvious that Ji Yong is actually gay - honest-to-God, one-hundred-percent gay, interested in having sex with other men and all that. It really shouldn't bother Young Bae, but the thought makes him cringe. It's hard to be comfortable around Ji Yong, now. Not because he's gay - Young Bae would support his friends no matter what. No, it's because Ji Yong keeps... flirting with him or something. He always does it in public, too - during photo shoots or interviews or anything involving a camera, he'll start with the fake kisses and the wandering hands and the cuddling. Young Bae feels like he's being tested every single time. He's going to have to tell Ji Yong to knock it off one of these days. He just hopes he can muster up the courage to do it before Ji Yong gets the wrong idea.
***
Ji Yong creeps into Young Bae's bedroom, PSP in hand, and closes the door before sitting in his computer chair. Young Bae looks at him over his English textbook.
"I'm playing Silent Hill," he says nonchalantly as he rolls the chair closer to his bed. "It's kinda scary if you're alone."
Young Bae snorts amusedly. Only Ji Yong would still do that kind of thing at twenty years old. He nods in acknowledgment and goes back to his book. The chapter his tutor wants him to read is pretty difficult - something about space exploration, with lots of words he'll probably never use - and he'll never get it done if he doesn't concentrate.
Ji Yong leaves him alone for about five minutes, then crawls into bed next to him while he's trying to look up the word "solar". Young Bae is lying right in the middle of the bed, which doesn't leave Ji Yong much room, but he doesn't seem to see it as an inconvenience as he lowers himself half on top of him and wiggles around until he's comfortable, one leg twined around his and his nose millimeters away from Young Bae's ear.
"What are you looking up?"
"Solar," Young Bae replies, and tries to scoot away a little. Ji Yong clings, and then Young Bae's head bumps against Boss so he has to stop trying. He doesn't want to wake him up.
"Oh. Isn't it related to you?"
"... What?" Young Bae says confusedly, then sees the definition in his dictionary and understands. "Oh. Yeah." He tries reading the sentence in his textbook again. Ji Yong's breath is tickling one of his ears and Boss's fur the other. He gives up after the words slide off his brain for the fourth time and puts his book aside, turning his head gingerly to face Ji Yong. He needs to talk to him, as much as he doesn't want to.
It becomes obvious that it's too late, that Ji Yong's already gotten the wrong idea, when he sees the slight smile on his face. He only has time to take in a breath and open his mouth, unsure of what he's actually going to say, before Ji Yong's lips are on his. He has no idea what to do. They've kissed once before, when they were sixteen, but it hadn't been... serious.
Ji Yong's tongue brushes against his and it's enough to shock Young Bae out of his petrified state. He raises his hand and pushes on Ji Yong's chest lightly until he pulls away, then tries not to look as panicked as he feels. "I-- We should sleep," he stutters out, feeling his face burn.
The brief flicker of disappointment on Ji Yong's face is quickly replaced by another smile. "Okay." He sits up, turns off the light, and settles against Young Bae again. "'Night."
Young Bae stays very still as Ji Yong presses another kiss to the corner of his mouth. The lack of response is apparently enough to stop him, at least for now, and he nuzzles his way to the crook of Young Bae's neck before going still.
Young Bae stares up at the ceiling, hoping Ji Yong can't feel his heart pounding. He's uncomfortably warm where he and Boss are touching him, but he doesn't want to move in case it provokes Ji Yong into doing... something. It takes ages before he manages to fall asleep, feeling like a coward.
***
Ji Yong casually holds his hand in the van the next day, keeping a lose grip on it as he gestures while talking about something Young Bae would be paying attention to if Ji Yong wasn't holding his hand. He's trying hard to ignore everyone instead of listening.
Seung Hyun manages to meet his eyes and glances at Ji Yong before raising his eyebrows slightly. Young Bae pretends he didn't notice the silent question and stares at the fingernails of his free hand.
He puts up with the hand-holding until his palm is clammy and he can't stand it anymore, then pulls away under the pretense of scratching his nose. He sneaks a look at Ji Yong, fearing his reaction, but he only smiles at him, his hand settling on Young Bae's knee instead.
He spends the next several minutes wondering which option is worse and has almost talked himself into taking Ji Yong's hand again when their manager parks the van. He nearly climbs over Dae Sung in his hurry to get out, making a mental note not to sit next to Ji Yong again.
***
"I'm going to bed," Young Bae announces that night, not really tired. It's much earlier than Ji Yong's usual bed time, though, and he's hoping that'll save him more awkwardness. He stands up and heads to his room. His stomach drops down to his toes when he hears footsteps behind him, but he refuses to look until he's reached the door, hoping against hope that someone else just decided to go to bed too.
He turns around and his stomach lurches again when he sees Ji Yong right in front of him, even though he was expecting it. He doesn't want to know what Seung Hyun, Dae Sung and Seung Ri must be thinking. "... What are you doing?" he asks quietly.
Ji Yong smiles at him and leans in. "Just saying good night."
Young Bae sees the kiss coming this time, but his entire body freezes up again. At least there's no tongue - just a brief, soft pressure, and he almost finds himself thinking that kisses aren't that bad before mentally smacking himself back to reason. He's not going to pretend he likes his best friend like that. It wouldn't be fair.
"Listen," he starts, and Ji Yong looks at him, the smile still lingering on his face. "I'm... There's... I don't like it when you touch me in front of other people."
"Oh." He shrugs. "Okay. I won't."
Young Bae closes the door a moment later and thumps his forehead against it a few times, eyes closed tightly.
***
To Young Bae's surprise, Ji Yong stays true to his word and keeps his hands off him in public. The quiet, uncharacteristic obedience is even scarier than if Ji Yong had just kept doing it. He really needs to say something now, but the raging guilt keeps him from objecting as Ji Yong keeps up his little good night routine, following him to his room for a kiss every night. He lingers a little longer every time, though, touching his cheek or trailing his fingers over his chest or deepening the kiss for just a few seconds, and Young Bae doesn't think he'll be able to keep it up for much longer. He feels like a trapped animal, and the extra stress is exhausting him.
He's been having incredibly absurd dreams on top of everything else. He wakes up from the latest one - in which Ji Yong caught him kissing a girl and refused to speak to him ever again - panting and wide-eyed, and gets out of bed, too restless to go back to sleep.
He ends up standing aimlessly in the dark, quiet living room before deciding to practice some dance moves, grateful for the large mirror in their new apartment. He turns on a small light and stretches out, then starts practicing, watching himself carefully and keeping a tight lid on all the thoughts trying to form in his mind. They usually aren't conductive to getting any sleep.
He's just about to stop, pleasantly worn out and ready to try sleeping again, when Ji Yong shuffles into the room, cradling Boss in his arms and blinking blearily. Young Bae freezes, watching him through the mirror as he curls up on the couch and sets Boss down next to him. Once again, he has no idea what to do, so he just goes back to dancing, ignoring the way Ji Yong's eyes follow his movements.
After a while, though, legs shaky and lungs burning, he has no choice but to stop. He sits down next to Boss, catching his breath, and pets him silently. Maybe he'll be able to scoop him up and go back to bed without having to say anything.
"You're so hot," Ji Yong says in a low voice.
Young Bae keeps his eyes down, wishing he'd put on a shirt. "... Thanks." He blinks as Ji Yong picks Boss up and puts him on the arm of the couch, every alarm bell in his mind suddenly going off. "Um, I was just going to..."
Ji Yong slides closer and kisses him before he can finish that sentence, and there's nothing light about it this time. He forces his lips apart and puts his hands everywhere and Young Bae can only sit there and take it, because he can't even imagine how mortifying it would be if he told him to stop right then. He does his best to forget about Ji Yong's wandering hands and focuses on his mouth instead, experimentally kissing him back. The soft, happy moan he gets in return sends a shiver down his spine, but he doesn't have time to think about his own reaction before Ji Yong takes his hand and pulls it under the waistband of his pyjama pants.
He does try to pull away, but Ji Yong holds onto him firmly and whines out a breathless "come on", and a few seconds later both their hands are around Ji Yong's cock, fingers intertwined. He lets Ji Yong pull him into a steady rhythm and does his best to think of it as being just like jerking himself off. It isn't, though.
Ji Yong pulls his own hand away and Young Bae kisses him again just so he doesn't have to look at him as he keeps stroking his cock. It takes only a couple of minutes before Ji Yong comes, and Young Bae thinks he must like him a whole lot, because he's pretty sure he wasn't especially good at it or anything. He pulls his hand out of Ji Yong's pants and reaches for a nearby box of tissues, desperate to wipe off the slimy, disgusting mess.
Three tissues later, he can still feel the come on his fingers and his skin is crawling. Ji Yong moves even closer and reaches for his crotch, and he bolts upright on pure instinct. "I'm gonna go take a shower," he blurts out.
Ji Yong has his back to the dim light, so it's hard to tell, but Young Bae thinks he can see him frown as he flees to the bathroom. Tomorrow, he tells himself as he closes the door and locks it. He'll talk to him tomorrow.
***
Young Bae gathers up all of his courage and pulls Ji Yong over to his room right after breakfast, ignoring the amused smirk Seung Hyun shoots him. They don't have much time before their manager picks them up, but they probably won't have another opportunity to speak in private before they come back to the apartment to sleep. Considering his track record when it comes to dealing with Ji Yong at night, he'd rather not wait until then.
Ji Yong doesn't kiss him as soon as he closes the door behind himself, which seems like a good sign. "'Sup?" he asks with a little smile, crossing his arms and leaning back against the door.
Young Bae takes a deep breath. "... I'm not gay."
The smile melts away, replaced by a carefully neutral, slightly cool expression. "So what?"
"So I don't... I mean... Can we just be friends?" he asks lamely. "Like before."
The temperature in the room seems to drop a few more degrees. "Fine. Whatever," Ji Yong mutters as he turns to leave. Young Bae should have known he'd be too proud to take his decision well. He can stand having Ji Yong sulk and give him the silent treatment for a few days, though, if it means things will go back to what they were before.
***
Ji Yong slowly thaws out over the next week or so, just like he expected. It's not exactly like before - Ji Yong never sits next to him anymore, or dozes on his shoulder in the van, or sneaks into his room at night to talk for hours. Young Bae kind of misses all of that, but he figures it's a fair trade for his peace of mind.
He finds it kind of awkward, though, when Ji Yong starts rebounding all over the place. Seung Ri and Seung Hyun become his Big Bang members of choice for fanservice and being used as human pillows, but everyone knows they're both straight. So it doesn't exactly come as a surprise when Ji Yong ushers a WaWa dancer into the van with them after dance practice one evening, but Young Bae can't quite bring himself to look at them. He stares at his shoes the whole way home, listening to the quiet murmurs and snickers next to him.
Young Bae's room shares a wall with Ji Yong's, and before long he's taken to sleeping with his pillow on his head (and Boss on his pillow), eyes shut tightly as he tries not to think about what Ji Yong is doing. He slips up one night, though, when the moaning gets so loud he can't ignore it any longer. That WaWa guy is obviously good at whatever he's doing, and curiosity gnaws at him until he finally takes the pillow off his head and listens more intently, wondering what's making Ji Yong sound like that.
He hears a faint, rhythmic thumping sound, figures it out, and what feels like all the blood in his body rushes to his face. If that's what Ji Yong wanted him to do, he's glad he broke things off relatively early on.
***
Young Bae walks into studio A five minutes early and blinks when he sees Ji Yong comfortably curled up in a chair next to Perry, holding a half-eaten bowl of instant ramyun. Ji Yong avoids his eyes, but Perry gives him a dirty look. It's pretty obvious what they were talking about, and Young Bae isn't sure whether to feel bad because their relationship was that important to Ji Yong, or just angry that he's talking about him behind his back.
"Sorry. I'll come back later," he says flatly, taking a step back.
"'S okay," Ji Yong replies, then slurps up some noodles, sets the bowl aside and grabs his notebook. "What song are we starting with?"
"Come Be My Lady," Perry says, pushing a chair toward Young Bae with another little look in his direction.
Young Bae holds back a sigh as he closes the door and sits down, wondering how much more awkwardness can be packed into a single human life.
***
The answer to his question comes two weeks later, when Big Bang gets a few days off and his mom decides it'd be a great idea to have a family dinner - with Ji Yong, of course, since he and Young Bae have been best friends for so long that she considers him family.
He's saddled with the wonderful task of inviting Ji Yong without making it sound like something more than it is, and tries to mention that it was his mother's idea in a way that doesn't imply he doesn't want to see Ji Yong. His head hurts by the time he's done asking, but Ji Yong's casual "sure, sounds like fun" is exactly what he was hoping for. He's glad Ji Yong still wants to spend time with him - as friends, that is.
Dinner goes incredibly well. They sit side by side and talk about everything under the sun and joke around like they used to. Young Bae even manages to forget about the whole gay fiasco for a while, and he's starting to hope that Ji Yong is over it too.
His mother indulgently breaks out some beer and soju, which surprises him until he remembers that he's old enough to drink the stuff, now. After a beer or two, Hyun Bae somehow draws them both into a lively debate over girl groups. Ji Yong defends After School heatedly, and it kind of surprises Young Bae because it seems to him like Ji Yong shouldn't really have an opinion. He backs him up, though, because the After School girls are sexier than Sonyeo Shidae.
They talk until everyone's yawning and his mom waves them off to bed. Hyun Bae heads to his old bedroom (which is now a guest room), and Young Bae leads Ji Yong to his room. He's tipsy enough that the obvious problem doesn't occur to him until he's standing in front of his bed.
Bed. Singular.
He turns to Ji Yong and chews on his lip as he tries to formulate his objection in a way that's not hurtful. He fails before he even opens his mouth - Ji Yong reads his mind and frowns at him, looking somewhere between disappointed and ticked off. "I'm not gonna touch you." He grabs his bag and takes out his pyjamas.
Young Bae turns away to change too, doing it slowly enough to be sure that Ji Yong will be done by the time he's finished. "I know, it's just... I'll sleep on the couch if you want me to."
"That'd look weird."
He has a point, so Young Bae doesn't say anything. They get into bed, Young Bae lying stiffly on his back, making sure that no part of his body is crossing the line he's mentally drawn down the middle of the mattress. The beer in his system makes him relax much faster than he thought he would - they've slept together dozens of times as best friends, after all - and he's stopped worrying by the time he falls asleep.
***
He wakes up alone, sprawled in the middle of the bed. It's still dark, and a quick check of his cellphone tells him he's only slept for an hour. Ji Yong must have gone to the bathroom. He carefully moves back to the safe half of the bed and waits for him to come back.
And waits and waits and waits, until he has to go to the bathroom. He gets up and makes his way to it in the dark. Ji Yong isn't in or anywhere near it, so he decides to take a quick look around the house before going back to bed. There's light under Hyun Bae's door, so he walks over and opens it, figuring they must be talking again.
He takes one step forward and freezes with his hand still on the doorknob. Hyun Bae is sitting on the edge of his bed, staring at him with wide eyes. There's no mistaking what Ji Yong is doing, kneeling at his feet with one hand on his thigh. There's a wet popping noise Young Bae doesn't want to think about, then Ji Yong looks at him calmly over his shoulder, lips shining and hair sticking up in every direction.
"Sorry," Young Bae says quickly before backing out of the room, closing the door. He stares at it for a moment, stunned, then makes his way back to bed on autopilot, a thousand questions running through his mind. He didn't even know his brother liked men that way, never mind the fact that he apparently likes Ji Yong enough to let him... do that. And he has no idea what Ji Yong thinks he's doing and why that WaWa guy isn't enough for him.
He buries his face into his pillow and tries to ignore the very unwanted mental images that keep popping back into his mind. He'll never be able to go back to sleep.
***
Their manager picks them up after the longest, most painful breakfast he's ever sat through. He doesn't remember much about it besides the fact that it all felt and tasted like cardboard to him - he just stared into his bowl for most of it, not listening to his brother's overly-cheerful attempts at normal conversation. The shock and confusion has turned into anger overnight. He's not even sure which one he's mad at, but he doesn't want to talk to either of them.
He sits as far as he can from Ji Yong in the van and checks his cellphone to give himself something to do. His brother sent him a text message at three in the morning (apparently he's not the only one who had trouble sleeping). Anger flares up in the pit of his stomach again as he reads it. It says only "don't tell mom ^^,,". He can't believe Hyun Bae didn't at least apologize, then wonders why he's even expecting an apology. Ji Yong isn't his boyfriend, after all.
He takes a deep breath and flips his cellphone closed, not bothering to send a reply.
"You okay?" Ji Yong asks, eyeing him guardedly.
"No. I can't believe you did that," Young Bae hisses in reply after making sure their manager is focused on driving.
Ji Yong doesn't react right away. He chews on his fingernail, examines the result, then shrugs as he looks up at him again. "He looks like you."
Young Bae listens for any trace of flippancy in his voice, almost wanting a reason to tear into him. He's dead serious, though, and Young Bae feels his anger evaporate, replaced by that familiar mix of crushing guilt and embarrassment. He sighs and turns away, leaning his forehead against the window and closing his eyes.
***
He thinks about the disastrous visit to his parents' house a bit too much one night, and fully realizes the implications of what Ji Yong told him in the van. He was thinking about him while his brother's cock was in his mouth. Just thinking that makes him flush, but he can't deny that the idea is... intriguing. No one's ever done that to him.
He allows himself to think about it for a moment - his fingers tangled in Ji Yong's hair and the wet warmth around his cock - and the idea doesn't bother him nearly as much as what he heard in Ji Yong's room a while ago. His hand strays down into his boxers and he strokes himself slowly, letting his mind wander.
A few minutes later, he carefully cleans himself up, pulls the covers up again, and wonders what the hell is wrong with him. He doesn't know if it's possible to be partially gay, depending on which body parts are involved, but he still doesn't want anything to do with any part of Ji Yong that's below his waist. After thinking about it for a long time, though, he decides that he wouldn't really mind kissing him again.
***
Young Bae feels like his newfound fascination for Ji Yong's mouth is plastered all over his face. He gets distracted by the stupidest things - Ji Yong sucking on candy, or mock-kissing Seung Ri, or eating noodles - and it always takes him a few seconds to snap out of it, despite his best efforts. Even the nail-biting sends his mind right to places it really shouldn't go. Ji Yong's been giving him funny looks lately, and it seems impossible that he hasn't noticed.
Young Bae finds himself hoping that Ji Yong is going to try kissing him again, or hold his hand again, at least. It becomes increasingly obvious that he's completely given up on him, though, and that Young Bae will have to make the first move.
He looks for a good opportunity during most of the following week. They're too busy to have a chance to talk in private, and Ji Yong keeps running off to promote the Strong Baby remix, making things even more difficult. He does manage to be alone with him a few times, but Ji Yong leaves before Young Bae can muster up the guts to say something.
One day, though, Ji Yong comes back from the SBS studios looking exhausted, and heads straight for his room. "I'm going to bed," he mutters as he walks past him and Dae Sung.
Young Bae leaps to his feet. He catches up to him just in time and puts a hand on the door to make sure he doesn't close it. "Wait!"
Ji Yong blinks at him with mild curiosity, saying nothing, and Young Bae realizes he has no idea what he wants to say. He's thought about it at length, of course, but now that Ji Yong is actually in front of him, he's drawing a complete blank. He steps inside to buy some time, looking at a spot on the wall behind Ji Yong's head. "Uh... I just wanted to say good night," he finally comes up with. He's pretty sure it hadn't sounded that ridiculous coming out of Ji Yong's mouth.
He looks at him with clear disbelief, which Young Bae takes as a good sign until it turns into very obvious annoyance. "Yeah, well. 'Night."
"No, I mean..." Young Bae wipes his palms on his jeans. "Can I kiss you?"
He gets a wary look in return this time. "Why?"
"'Cause... 'Cause I wanna try?" He thought YG was the only person who could make him feel utterly pathetic just by looking at him, but he has some serious competition now. "Try again, I mean. I just thought-- I'm sorry I--"
"Fine," Ji Yong cuts in. And then he just stands there. And if Young Bae doesn't do something now, he's going to run away and stay under his pillow until he suffocates. He takes a deep breath and forces himself to move closer, looking at Ji Yong's mouth because it's more encouraging than his eyes are.
When he finally presses their lips together, Ji Yong's reaction seems to indicate that he's not as angry as he's trying to look - he puts his hand on the back of Young Bae's neck and kisses him back softly. It feels much nicer than Young Bae remembered, and he smiles when they come up for air, even though his heart is still pounding.
Ji Yong looks at him thoughtfully for a few seconds, caressing the back of his neck. "... I'm going to bed," he says, and then Young Bae gets pushed out the door gently and doesn't have time to say anything before it closes in his face.
He doesn't even try to understand Ji Yong's reasoning as he heads back to the living room. He let Young Bae kiss him and they both liked it and Young Bae, for once, doesn't feel like he's about to keel over from sheer embarrassment. That seems like a huge victory.
***
Ji Yong acts like nothing happened the following morning. Young Bae picks at his breakfast and drives himself crazy trying to figure out whether he should kiss him again or talk to him or... something. By the time they're ushered over to their van, he feels pretty agitated, certain that Ji Yong won't be impressed with him if he just starts acting... straight again.
He climbs in and looks at Seung Hyun, who's wedged Ji Yong between him and the far door. "... Move," he tells him. Seung Hyun raises an eyebrow, then snorts and scoots over. Young Bae climbs over him with some difficulty and flops down next to Ji Yong, who spares him a glance before going back to looking out the window.
He stares at the back of Ji Yong's head until it's obvious he's not going to turn again or say anything, then reaches over and grabs his hand. That gets him to turn around, but Young Bae looks away, trying to affect something resembling nonchalance.
"What's going on?" Ji Yong asks very quietly.
Young Bae shrugs.
"Are you gay or not?"
Seung Hyun makes a production out of taking his iPod out of his bag and putting on his headphones, which Young Bae is grateful for. "I dunno," he replies truthfully. "I like you. I wanna try."
Ji Yong seems to mull over that answer for a moment, then sighs and puts his head on Young Bae's shoulder. "Fine."
Young Bae turns his head just enough to see a hint of Ji Yong's smile and suddenly finds it much easier to breathe. He wants him happy, and having to do some things he's not entirely comfortable with once in a while seems better than the alternative. And he thinks there's a chance he just might get used to it. Some of it, anyway.