Rambling life whinge
So. Yeah
Life has kind a dealt me a sort of bum hand really. Officially, along with the hypermobility I have arthritis in my right n]knee and lumbar spine, a bulging disk at L4 and some form of sciatica which is driving me to distraction as pain killer don’t get rid, they just numb it for a while. The Anxiety and depression hover around but as long as I am very careful where i go and what I do. I make sure I get enough sleep, and have warning regarding crowds then it’s not too bad, the amitriptyline (and now the replacement Nortryptaline) help to keep the nerves under control.
Oddly enough I have found the Sinutab in short bursts helps, apparently not only does it dull sinus pain and congestion it also tones down nerve pain… who knew??
I suppose it’s not the worst news in the world. I mean I know people who have conditions far worse than mine and are in a much worse way. I have a job, an income and my conditions are vaguely manageable. But some days it can be so exhausting, I have to wear this face at work like there is nothing wrong. Nobody really gets it, I have one ‘Colleague’ who thinks my hot water bottle is funny. Not because it’s a funny hot water bottle but because I use it daily (the heat make my lover back and hip less sore) I have another colleague who is always commenting when I wince getting up. I have given up explaining the arthritis. I feel a head banging on stone wall every time
What is worrying me at the moment is the aggression spikes I have been manifesting recently. My office is in deep politics at present, job worries and such and I suspect a lot of what is going on is partially based around this. The other is of course the office s**t stirrers who seem to take pleasure in winding things up to their maximum. Making various complaints in the name of “everyone on the admin team” without the permission of “everyone on the admin team”. This is leaving me very frustrated and very angry. Coupled with the near constant pain I am now in its not making for a very happy me.
I have decided that it is time to go back to the Musculoskeletal man and get an assessment for Fibromyalgia. Again. My thighs and upper arms hurt all the time, a bone deep hurt touching them is extremely painful, pressure on them makes me feel sick, the same is across my upper shoulders and neck. Previously the Doc’s have blamed it on Low Vit-D which I have had in the winter time for two years running and this year I was given the all clear. So something is definitely wrong and I can now prove it.
I have suffered with pain in my hip and legs since I hit puberty. I have had every test under the sun, short of a lumbar puncture. And all have come up showing nothing, no gout, no rheumatoid arthritis. no cancer, no MS, Etc.. So I am in pain. And because there’s noting on the X-ray or bloods and because I was a teen/early 20’s the doc just shrugged and moved on. Gave me NSAIDs and told me to just live with it. Now I have arthritis people are sort of taking note. But I still have the original pain I have come to the conclusion it is just not interesting enough to take note of.
I am thankful it’s not MS and Cancer and some form of grim nerve rot or inflammatory thing but I am getting tired of the constant pain. I am starting to reach the point where no pain is so remarkable I can remember the date and time of it. In my last case I had no pain for 30 minutes Friday 11th September, 4.30 - 5pm I was able to bend stretch and move freely, it is so remarkable it makes me cry to remember it.
I am having a day when I want my life back. I want to be able to go walking on hills without feeling wobbly and weak, I want to be able to take part in combat again without worrying that my knees are going to explode. I want to be able to interact with my friends without suddenly wanting to flee and hide. I want to not have to spend a significant portion of my wages on drugs and aides to keep me mobile and walking.
I want to be able to lift a box of 5 reams of paper again
I want to not look at stairs as If they are my personal demon - seriously I love castles and cathedrals and stately homes. But so many stairs.
I want to be able to have kids. And not worry that the drugs I am on will make them weird.
I want to be able to have kids. I am nearly 40 its only going to get more difficult. My family is prone to miscarriage, this can only make that worse.
I think today is a “I want my life back!” day
Life has kind a dealt me a sort of bum hand really. Officially, along with the hypermobility I have arthritis in my right n]knee and lumbar spine, a bulging disk at L4 and some form of sciatica which is driving me to distraction as pain killer don’t get rid, they just numb it for a while. The Anxiety and depression hover around but as long as I am very careful where i go and what I do. I make sure I get enough sleep, and have warning regarding crowds then it’s not too bad, the amitriptyline (and now the replacement Nortryptaline) help to keep the nerves under control.
Oddly enough I have found the Sinutab in short bursts helps, apparently not only does it dull sinus pain and congestion it also tones down nerve pain… who knew??
I suppose it’s not the worst news in the world. I mean I know people who have conditions far worse than mine and are in a much worse way. I have a job, an income and my conditions are vaguely manageable. But some days it can be so exhausting, I have to wear this face at work like there is nothing wrong. Nobody really gets it, I have one ‘Colleague’ who thinks my hot water bottle is funny. Not because it’s a funny hot water bottle but because I use it daily (the heat make my lover back and hip less sore) I have another colleague who is always commenting when I wince getting up. I have given up explaining the arthritis. I feel a head banging on stone wall every time
What is worrying me at the moment is the aggression spikes I have been manifesting recently. My office is in deep politics at present, job worries and such and I suspect a lot of what is going on is partially based around this. The other is of course the office s**t stirrers who seem to take pleasure in winding things up to their maximum. Making various complaints in the name of “everyone on the admin team” without the permission of “everyone on the admin team”. This is leaving me very frustrated and very angry. Coupled with the near constant pain I am now in its not making for a very happy me.
I have decided that it is time to go back to the Musculoskeletal man and get an assessment for Fibromyalgia. Again. My thighs and upper arms hurt all the time, a bone deep hurt touching them is extremely painful, pressure on them makes me feel sick, the same is across my upper shoulders and neck. Previously the Doc’s have blamed it on Low Vit-D which I have had in the winter time for two years running and this year I was given the all clear. So something is definitely wrong and I can now prove it.
I have suffered with pain in my hip and legs since I hit puberty. I have had every test under the sun, short of a lumbar puncture. And all have come up showing nothing, no gout, no rheumatoid arthritis. no cancer, no MS, Etc.. So I am in pain. And because there’s noting on the X-ray or bloods and because I was a teen/early 20’s the doc just shrugged and moved on. Gave me NSAIDs and told me to just live with it. Now I have arthritis people are sort of taking note. But I still have the original pain I have come to the conclusion it is just not interesting enough to take note of.
I am thankful it’s not MS and Cancer and some form of grim nerve rot or inflammatory thing but I am getting tired of the constant pain. I am starting to reach the point where no pain is so remarkable I can remember the date and time of it. In my last case I had no pain for 30 minutes Friday 11th September, 4.30 - 5pm I was able to bend stretch and move freely, it is so remarkable it makes me cry to remember it.
I am having a day when I want my life back. I want to be able to go walking on hills without feeling wobbly and weak, I want to be able to take part in combat again without worrying that my knees are going to explode. I want to be able to interact with my friends without suddenly wanting to flee and hide. I want to not have to spend a significant portion of my wages on drugs and aides to keep me mobile and walking.
I want to be able to lift a box of 5 reams of paper again
I want to not look at stairs as If they are my personal demon - seriously I love castles and cathedrals and stately homes. But so many stairs.
I want to be able to have kids. And not worry that the drugs I am on will make them weird.
I want to be able to have kids. I am nearly 40 its only going to get more difficult. My family is prone to miscarriage, this can only make that worse.
I think today is a “I want my life back!” day