books
Well, here are some Stephen King books I've read. I shall now discuss them in a completely disjointed and unintelligent fashion.
IT - Stephen King (1986)
I think I put off reading this one because it involves a scary clown. I don't think scary clowns are actually scary; they're just off-putting, like zombies. I don't like them.
But, as some Amazon reviewer pointed out, saying IT is about a scary clown is like saying Moby Dick is about a whale. It's an oversimplification at best.
Oversimplifications are my thing, though. So yeah, a scary clown terrorizes a bunch of kids, so they decide to track it to its lair (or should I say, IT to IT's lair?) and defeat it, ONCE AND FOR--
Just kidding. It (I mean, IT!) returns thirty years later, and the gang has to get back together to defeat it again, ONCE AND FOR ALL.
I did enjoy this one. It's hella scary, and the kids use the magic of bikes and libraries to prevail. There's even this one passage where the main good guy, Bill, is riding his magic bicycle, and I swear--I mean, Stephen King isn't known as a cyclist or anything--but I swear this passage is a description of me riding my bike hellbent for leather down Elmwood Avenue. He never says anything about it, but I'm telling you Stephen King understands bike magic. I'd reproduce the passage here but it's like three pages long. Read the book yourself.
The criticisms of this book (again, drawing from the scholarly wellspring of Amazon and Goodreads reviews) are puzzling to me. A common gripe is "it's not even scary." Granted, different people find different things scary, but, like, did we read the same book? If any of that stuff actually happened to me, I would shit my pants so hard I'd die of a colonic hemorrhage, if that's a thing.
But forget personal phobias. What exactly do you expect from a "scary" book? I never understand the spine-tingling warnings splashed across the dust jackets of such books: Don't read this alone! Make sure to read with the lights on! Folks, I'm a librarian and I'm here to tell you it's just a book. I have never been scared by the act of reading. Maybe the stories linger in your head afterward, and you go, "Yaaiieee, that's a spooky thing to contemplate," but I have never, not even as a child, been frightened by a book to the point of needing to hide under a blanket or turn on every light in the house. (This has happened with movies, even as an adult. I remember being legitimately afraid of the dark the night I came home from seeing the first Paranormal Activity movie.)
This book is insane. I believe it's also the longest single book I've ever read, so I deserve a personal pan pizza from the Pizza Hut "Book It" program.
Get it? Book IT? And I read IT by Stephen King? No one ever made a funnier joke than I did just now.
I think the theme of this book is believe in yourself.
One word: insane
Rating: 9
Billy Summers - Stephen King (2021)
So there's this guy named Billy Summers. He's a hitman, but to assuage his conscience, he only kills people he thinks really deserve it. So one day, he signs up for One Last Job: taking out some lowlife who's about to be wrongly exonerated in court or something.
To prepare for the hit, Billy must assume a false identity and settle in to wait a few months for the perfect opportunity to pop this guy. He establishes himself in a small town, where his new neighbors and coworkers quickly take a shine to him and see him as just an ordinary guy. Everyone gets along and plays Monopoly and drinks beer. It's real nice. It reminds me a little of 11/22/63, when Jake goes back in time and makes such a nice l'il life for himself in smalltown Texas.
Unfortunately, just as in 11/22/63, the cute small-town life does not last for Billy. Just around the time the plan is to be carried out, Billy gets the idea his employers consider him a loose end that will need tying up afterward. Then all H-E-croissant-previous-track breaks loose.1
Out of respect for a good book, I won't say anything more. If it were a dumb book, I'd just spoil the whole thing. It's pretty good, and if you're the kind of psycho who cries over books, you might want tissues for this one. If you're indifferent to the suffering of fictional characters like I am, don't sweat it.
I think the theme of this book is it's never just one last job.
One word: exciting
Rating: 7
The Green Mile - Stephen King (1996)
It's the one where a nice man goes to prison and says he's tired of people being mean to each other.
Couldn't put it down, felt devastated at the end. It's a good book.
I think the theme of this book is...uh...believe in yourself.
One word: good
Rating: 8
The Institute - Stephen King (2019)
A bunch of kids with psychic powers get kidnapped by a secret government agency and taken to the Institute, where they're experimented on and forced to do unpleasant things. Naturally, they try to escape.
I don't have much to say about this one. It's not exactly the most original premise. BUT, it does have a small dose of Drifter Guy Establishes a Pleasant Life in a Small Town, just like 11/22/63 and Billy Summers! That's kind of an off-label thing Stephen King does so well. John Steinbeck did mouthwatering descriptions of breakfast (Steinbreakfasts, if you will), and Stephen King makes every imaginary town sound just so nice you kind of hate to see them go up in flames or get swallowed up by the earth or whatever grisly fate befalls them.
This book is all right, but not one that really sticks with you afterward. I read it on a train, and it was perfect for that.
I think the theme of this book is don't underestimate precocious telekinetic children.
One word: OK
Rating: 6
The Mist - Stephen King (1980)
Some people are doing their grocery shopping when a mysterious mist envelops the land. Anyone who ventures outside into the mist is quickly and gruesomely killed by unseen monsters.
I really liked this one, because I love the feeling of holing up in a makeshift fortress while scary creatures prowl just outside. In Minecraft, I love it when I'm caught outside at night unprepared, and I have to run like hell to get back to the safety of my house. When you finally get inside, slam the door, and look out the window at all the zombies and spiders that were just chasing you, the feeling of safety and security is delicious. In real life, I also like to pretend that the fields around my little farmhouse are beset with monsters at night. I wrap the blankets around myself and peek out the window, imagining skeleton warriors rising from the tall grass, and they can't get me. True, I would be just as excited to do battle with skeleton warriors as hide from them in my stronghold, but that's a different scenario altogether.
The folks at the grocery store board up the windows, make weapons, and eat snacks, all while they speculate on what the mist is, where it came from, and when it might ever clear up. It's nice & scary.
Also, the movie happens to have a more chilling ending than the book. I believe Stephen King is on record saying he wishes he thought up the movie ending.
I think the theme of this book it's dangerous to go alone.
One word: scary
Rating: 7
1 H-E-croissant-previous-track: If anyone can think of better symbols to use for a HECK version of "H-E-double-hockey-sticks," I'm listening.
IT - Stephen King (1986)
I think I put off reading this one because it involves a scary clown. I don't think scary clowns are actually scary; they're just off-putting, like zombies. I don't like them.
But, as some Amazon reviewer pointed out, saying IT is about a scary clown is like saying Moby Dick is about a whale. It's an oversimplification at best.
Oversimplifications are my thing, though. So yeah, a scary clown terrorizes a bunch of kids, so they decide to track it to its lair (or should I say, IT to IT's lair?) and defeat it, ONCE AND FOR--
Just kidding. It (I mean, IT!) returns thirty years later, and the gang has to get back together to defeat it again, ONCE AND FOR ALL.
I did enjoy this one. It's hella scary, and the kids use the magic of bikes and libraries to prevail. There's even this one passage where the main good guy, Bill, is riding his magic bicycle, and I swear--I mean, Stephen King isn't known as a cyclist or anything--but I swear this passage is a description of me riding my bike hellbent for leather down Elmwood Avenue. He never says anything about it, but I'm telling you Stephen King understands bike magic. I'd reproduce the passage here but it's like three pages long. Read the book yourself.
The criticisms of this book (again, drawing from the scholarly wellspring of Amazon and Goodreads reviews) are puzzling to me. A common gripe is "it's not even scary." Granted, different people find different things scary, but, like, did we read the same book? If any of that stuff actually happened to me, I would shit my pants so hard I'd die of a colonic hemorrhage, if that's a thing.
But forget personal phobias. What exactly do you expect from a "scary" book? I never understand the spine-tingling warnings splashed across the dust jackets of such books: Don't read this alone! Make sure to read with the lights on! Folks, I'm a librarian and I'm here to tell you it's just a book. I have never been scared by the act of reading. Maybe the stories linger in your head afterward, and you go, "Yaaiieee, that's a spooky thing to contemplate," but I have never, not even as a child, been frightened by a book to the point of needing to hide under a blanket or turn on every light in the house. (This has happened with movies, even as an adult. I remember being legitimately afraid of the dark the night I came home from seeing the first Paranormal Activity movie.)
This book is insane. I believe it's also the longest single book I've ever read, so I deserve a personal pan pizza from the Pizza Hut "Book It" program.
Get it? Book IT? And I read IT by Stephen King? No one ever made a funnier joke than I did just now.
I think the theme of this book is believe in yourself.
One word: insane
Rating: 9
Billy Summers - Stephen King (2021)
So there's this guy named Billy Summers. He's a hitman, but to assuage his conscience, he only kills people he thinks really deserve it. So one day, he signs up for One Last Job: taking out some lowlife who's about to be wrongly exonerated in court or something.
To prepare for the hit, Billy must assume a false identity and settle in to wait a few months for the perfect opportunity to pop this guy. He establishes himself in a small town, where his new neighbors and coworkers quickly take a shine to him and see him as just an ordinary guy. Everyone gets along and plays Monopoly and drinks beer. It's real nice. It reminds me a little of 11/22/63, when Jake goes back in time and makes such a nice l'il life for himself in smalltown Texas.
Unfortunately, just as in 11/22/63, the cute small-town life does not last for Billy. Just around the time the plan is to be carried out, Billy gets the idea his employers consider him a loose end that will need tying up afterward. Then all H-E-croissant-previous-track breaks loose.1
Out of respect for a good book, I won't say anything more. If it were a dumb book, I'd just spoil the whole thing. It's pretty good, and if you're the kind of psycho who cries over books, you might want tissues for this one. If you're indifferent to the suffering of fictional characters like I am, don't sweat it.
I think the theme of this book is it's never just one last job.
One word: exciting
Rating: 7
The Green Mile - Stephen King (1996)
It's the one where a nice man goes to prison and says he's tired of people being mean to each other.
Couldn't put it down, felt devastated at the end. It's a good book.
I think the theme of this book is...uh...believe in yourself.
One word: good
Rating: 8
The Institute - Stephen King (2019)
A bunch of kids with psychic powers get kidnapped by a secret government agency and taken to the Institute, where they're experimented on and forced to do unpleasant things. Naturally, they try to escape.
I don't have much to say about this one. It's not exactly the most original premise. BUT, it does have a small dose of Drifter Guy Establishes a Pleasant Life in a Small Town, just like 11/22/63 and Billy Summers! That's kind of an off-label thing Stephen King does so well. John Steinbeck did mouthwatering descriptions of breakfast (Steinbreakfasts, if you will), and Stephen King makes every imaginary town sound just so nice you kind of hate to see them go up in flames or get swallowed up by the earth or whatever grisly fate befalls them.
This book is all right, but not one that really sticks with you afterward. I read it on a train, and it was perfect for that.
I think the theme of this book is don't underestimate precocious telekinetic children.
One word: OK
Rating: 6
The Mist - Stephen King (1980)
Some people are doing their grocery shopping when a mysterious mist envelops the land. Anyone who ventures outside into the mist is quickly and gruesomely killed by unseen monsters.
I really liked this one, because I love the feeling of holing up in a makeshift fortress while scary creatures prowl just outside. In Minecraft, I love it when I'm caught outside at night unprepared, and I have to run like hell to get back to the safety of my house. When you finally get inside, slam the door, and look out the window at all the zombies and spiders that were just chasing you, the feeling of safety and security is delicious. In real life, I also like to pretend that the fields around my little farmhouse are beset with monsters at night. I wrap the blankets around myself and peek out the window, imagining skeleton warriors rising from the tall grass, and they can't get me. True, I would be just as excited to do battle with skeleton warriors as hide from them in my stronghold, but that's a different scenario altogether.
The folks at the grocery store board up the windows, make weapons, and eat snacks, all while they speculate on what the mist is, where it came from, and when it might ever clear up. It's nice & scary.
Also, the movie happens to have a more chilling ending than the book. I believe Stephen King is on record saying he wishes he thought up the movie ending.
I think the theme of this book it's dangerous to go alone.
One word: scary
Rating: 7
1 H-E-croissant-previous-track: If anyone can think of better symbols to use for a HECK version of "H-E-double-hockey-sticks," I'm listening.