Wondering thoughts
I put this behind a cut in case people didn't want to read my thoughts. A friend of mine died on Oct 31. This would have also been my grandparents 60th Ann. My grandfather passed away 6 years ago now, but something about that date always brings me down.
This also might be contributed to the fact that after a year of taking antidepressants I (with shrink approval) decided that I wanted to see how the world looked when I could feel things and I wasn't emotionally numb. So far it seems that I have a harder time controlling my feelings but for once I can see and understand that and it will just take practice to deal with it (maybe not the urge to slap stupid customers but that’s less emotion and more my desire to clean the gene pool)
Most of my long time friends are all older than me since I mostly was the young guy hanging around them. Have I started to reach the stage where people I know are dieing just from life? When I lived on and near the streets people dieing while sad wasn't shocking. Linda's brutal death, Shamus’s stupid OD, Bobby's murder... Maybe it's a flaw in knowing people.
Not that I have been overly social in many years. Until recently my group of close friends have shrunk to only my significant other and the occasional run in with an "old friend" (I.E. Pre-Seattle friend) Sometimes I think about how I treat my friends and how they treat me, made me realize that most of my friends are real assholes. I know there is a good bit of lack of self esteem in there, but if I had more respect for myself I would have found different people who don't make me feel like shit when I’m around them.
I have always made friends easily but always have had a hard time keeping them for any length of time (then I started poking holes in the jars I kept them in and they lasted longer). I have been hanging out with a new group of people for the first time in many years and I have noticed something... They don't treat me like shit. There is good natured ribbing between most of us but nothing truly cutting. It was a shocking experience.
Walk though fire long enough with anyone at your side and you will start to feel connected to them, I think that is kind of the basis of Stockholm syndrome, not that I'm saying that being around some of my old friends is like being kept at gun point or anything stupid like that just some days I walk away from hanging out with them and I regret spending time with them.
I am a closet Sycophant. I bend over backwards for attention good or bad and I will be the firs to admit when someone is actually nice to me I will do just about anything for them. That in mind I have also been taken advantage of most of my life which has given me a set of almost reflexive attitudes against things. I became a mercenary because it is better than just being taken advantage of. I have tried to move away from being one along with other paths of self improvement I have been working on.
I am a different person than I was a year ago and much different than two and so on. Maybe everyone is.
There is a reason I have a hard time finding enjoyment in anything. Everything was suppose to be different when I got to this point in my life, I'm an adult, no longer living on the street, no longer in a city I hate, no longer at a really crappy job, and unless I do something stupid I don't even really worry about cash anymore. I am working with myself to see the world differently but it is a slow possess. The last year I have been on anti-depressants and while it made me numb and uncaring about things it allowed me to almost step out of my self and look at things from time to time. I think I have been suffering from some form of depression my whole life. I use to think I was bi-polar but after a couple sessions with my shrink it came out that the manic phases were actually just points when I wasn't depressed.
I hope I haven't upset anyone with this post, it was meant to be a wandering bleed off of things going on in my mind. I need to start writing in my journal my real one again I haven't in many years. It goes back all the way to I think 1990 or so. I have three books now. J told me I need to learn to let things go and stop blaming myself for things I had no way to control. I promised my grandparents when I was 11 that for their 50th anniversary I would take them on a Cruise, I didn't since at the time I was living in the back of a game store. Do I still blame myself for not doing that yes. Do I blame myself for every promise I have ever broken? Yes Do I blame myself for the fact my brothers a junkie and whose life is fully fucked up while mine isn't? Yes. Do I feel bad about the women who cheated on their husbands with me? No because you have to draw a line somewhere :) Ah the errors of youth.