Juan Martin del Potro (Part 2)
The second, and infinitely stranger part ...
1. Because of his shoulders.
Seriously.
2. Because of his arms.
If you thought his shoulders were impressive, check out the sheer size of these things. I'm not given to hyperbole, but I'm fairly sure each of Delpo's arms is quite literally six miles long.
If you started at one fingertip and worked your way along with due care and attention, by the time you got to the end of the other arm, time would have ended, the universe would have returned to its origins and you would have to start all over again. It's been a while since I've studied philosophy, but I'm pretty sure this is what Nietzche had in mind when he wrote his theory of eternal return.
His legs aren't exactly little stubs of nothing, either.
3. Because said arms are all the better to hug you with.
Delpo is an epic hugger, cuddler and nuzzler.
OK, it helps when you're gifted with approximately twelve miles of limb to wrap your loved ones up in, but still.
4. Because good, bad or awful, his hair has never been less than 100% epic.
Even when he's at his most groomed, you could still quite easily lose a hand in there.
5. Because if you like a happy trail, you'll love what Delpo's got, which is basically a four-lane expressway to ecstasy.
Free love on the free love freeway, indeed.
6. Because his eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad.
7. Because he's got the world's sweetest, goofiest smile.
Sorry for the excessive fangirling there and indeed everywhere. But he does. It actually makes it rain unicorns.
They die when they hit the ground, of course, because that's what happens to beautiful creatures when they encounter harsh reality. But for a second there things are kind of nice.
8. Because he can also be the world's saddest panda.
9. Because sometimes he's nothing so much as an excessively overgrown little boy.
Hating Delpo would be like kicking a puppy. Actually it would be far, far worse.
Seriously, compared to that, puppies can fuck off.
10. Because Marat would. In fact, he's tried to.
And you're not going to tell me you're too good for anything Marat Safin has tried it on with, are you? Oh ... bad example. Here's a better one.
11. Because who are you to scorn what Maradona hath deemed worthy?
Nobody, that's who. Don't make Diego fuck you up.
12. Because you can't stop the beat.
13. Because he looks hot in a suit.
14. Because he thinks thoughts. Deep and meaningful thoughts of thinking that mere mortals cannot hope to comprehend.
The man is a mystery wrapped in a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in six foot six of pure muscle. Deal with it.
15. Because he has a penchant for natty sweaters.
16. And looks pretty fine in hoodies, too.
17. Because he won the US Open trophy and wore it as a hat.
Have you ever seen Federer wear a trophy as a hat? No? Case closed.
18. Because not only does he have quite a nice tongue, but said tongue is capable of expressing a complex range of emotions.
Exhaustion.
Happiness.
An amused appreciation of life's crueller ironies bordering on urbane in its detachment.
19. Because this isn't sweat. It's the tears of angels.
20. Because watching him deal with being a newly minted star is never less than adorable.
21. Because he is a creature of strange and artful grace.
Listen, if you have ever watched a Delpo match, chances are you've heard the commentators say that he 'moves well for a big man'. And he does. In his own special way.
22. Because he can't even sit in a chair without it looking weirdly, awkwardly adorable.
23. Because he's got a range of ridiculous facial expressions for every conceivable occasion.
Winning:
Losing:
Seducing:
Failing:
Being an enormous teapot:
Politely wondering what it is you've just said, he wasn't listening, he was thinking about cheescake you see:
"Meh, what are you going to do?"ing:
Obediently acquiescing to a request for his immediate nudity:
24. Because ... because look.
25. Because he likes to eat his feelings when things aren't going his way.
26. Because of this photoshoot.
27. Because he's a samurai.
Is your favourite player a samurai? Take your time, go and check, I'll wait ... Oh, he isn't? Shame.
28. Because he's a ninja.
Seriously, can you see him?
29. Because he's a football fanboy, and apparently that's all the rage these days.
30. Because if you're a fan of backs, as I am, you will surely appreciate this evolution.
31. Because, as in Oscar Wilde, his gentle giant qualities appear to best advantage around children.
32. Because he's a fireman.
33. Because, like Xena, he has many skills.
34. Because he does an excellent impression of a blow-up sex doll of himself:
35. Because he does this whenever he fucks up. Which means he does it a lot.
36. Because if all of that doesn't begin to convince you, he doesn't even want to know you.
Don't even look at him right now.
1. Because of his shoulders.
Seriously.
2. Because of his arms.
If you thought his shoulders were impressive, check out the sheer size of these things. I'm not given to hyperbole, but I'm fairly sure each of Delpo's arms is quite literally six miles long.
If you started at one fingertip and worked your way along with due care and attention, by the time you got to the end of the other arm, time would have ended, the universe would have returned to its origins and you would have to start all over again. It's been a while since I've studied philosophy, but I'm pretty sure this is what Nietzche had in mind when he wrote his theory of eternal return.
His legs aren't exactly little stubs of nothing, either.
3. Because said arms are all the better to hug you with.
Delpo is an epic hugger, cuddler and nuzzler.
OK, it helps when you're gifted with approximately twelve miles of limb to wrap your loved ones up in, but still.
4. Because good, bad or awful, his hair has never been less than 100% epic.
Even when he's at his most groomed, you could still quite easily lose a hand in there.
5. Because if you like a happy trail, you'll love what Delpo's got, which is basically a four-lane expressway to ecstasy.
Free love on the free love freeway, indeed.
6. Because his eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad.
7. Because he's got the world's sweetest, goofiest smile.
Sorry for the excessive fangirling there and indeed everywhere. But he does. It actually makes it rain unicorns.
They die when they hit the ground, of course, because that's what happens to beautiful creatures when they encounter harsh reality. But for a second there things are kind of nice.
8. Because he can also be the world's saddest panda.
9. Because sometimes he's nothing so much as an excessively overgrown little boy.
Hating Delpo would be like kicking a puppy. Actually it would be far, far worse.
Seriously, compared to that, puppies can fuck off.
10. Because Marat would. In fact, he's tried to.
And you're not going to tell me you're too good for anything Marat Safin has tried it on with, are you? Oh ... bad example. Here's a better one.
11. Because who are you to scorn what Maradona hath deemed worthy?
Nobody, that's who. Don't make Diego fuck you up.
12. Because you can't stop the beat.
13. Because he looks hot in a suit.
14. Because he thinks thoughts. Deep and meaningful thoughts of thinking that mere mortals cannot hope to comprehend.
The man is a mystery wrapped in a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in six foot six of pure muscle. Deal with it.
15. Because he has a penchant for natty sweaters.
16. And looks pretty fine in hoodies, too.
17. Because he won the US Open trophy and wore it as a hat.
Have you ever seen Federer wear a trophy as a hat? No? Case closed.
18. Because not only does he have quite a nice tongue, but said tongue is capable of expressing a complex range of emotions.
Exhaustion.
Happiness.
An amused appreciation of life's crueller ironies bordering on urbane in its detachment.
19. Because this isn't sweat. It's the tears of angels.
20. Because watching him deal with being a newly minted star is never less than adorable.
21. Because he is a creature of strange and artful grace.
Listen, if you have ever watched a Delpo match, chances are you've heard the commentators say that he 'moves well for a big man'. And he does. In his own special way.
22. Because he can't even sit in a chair without it looking weirdly, awkwardly adorable.
23. Because he's got a range of ridiculous facial expressions for every conceivable occasion.
Winning:
Losing:
Seducing:
Failing:
Being an enormous teapot:
Politely wondering what it is you've just said, he wasn't listening, he was thinking about cheescake you see:
"Meh, what are you going to do?"ing:
Obediently acquiescing to a request for his immediate nudity:
24. Because ... because look.
25. Because he likes to eat his feelings when things aren't going his way.
26. Because of this photoshoot.
27. Because he's a samurai.
Is your favourite player a samurai? Take your time, go and check, I'll wait ... Oh, he isn't? Shame.
28. Because he's a ninja.
Seriously, can you see him?
29. Because he's a football fanboy, and apparently that's all the rage these days.
30. Because if you're a fan of backs, as I am, you will surely appreciate this evolution.
31. Because, as in Oscar Wilde, his gentle giant qualities appear to best advantage around children.
32. Because he's a fireman.
33. Because, like Xena, he has many skills.
34. Because he does an excellent impression of a blow-up sex doll of himself:
35. Because he does this whenever he fucks up. Which means he does it a lot.
36. Because if all of that doesn't begin to convince you, he doesn't even want to know you.
Don't even look at him right now.