i have too much to say sometimes
its wednesday and that means my stress level has gone down. only 2 more classes this week and its finally the long weekend. it was suppose to be a bunganut meets simmons weekend, but now i'm not so sure. too much drama. i'm sure that it's all gonna work out, but i feel like there's a strain forming between everyone. its disappointing but i know there will be plenty of other weekends for all of us to get together.
so far i'm not sure what going on fri-sunday but monday i get to go apple picking! so far its just me kenny and nick but i talked to tara and i'm gonna talk to stef. last time we went, we ended up breaking a bunch of trees trying to get to the good apples so i promised kenny there would be plenty of tree-breaking and donut-eating, since this place has THE BEST donuts. EVER. plus, i get to see kennys new truck and i'm sure its pretty sweet.
i think i'll probably end up staying home until tuesday, since i have no CAB and no Voice this week. not that i don't love being apart of both, but having two 12 hr days in a row is exhausting. i wake up on monday morning and worry that i'm never going to be able to get all my stuff done and that feeling doesnt end until wednesdays at 3 when graphic design gets out. i'm pretty sure my stress levels have reached an unusual high. but welcome to my life.
i'm also pretty excited that i don't have any class on thursday. that means only 3 classes next week and it will be the weekend again.
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it scares me how desperately i look forward to each weekend. each weekend means another chance for me to see nick. and every time i see him again it gives me hope that he won't just realize how perfect he is and how imperfect i am, and just get up, never to be seen again.
when we're together i constantly wonder what made me resist giving in to being a couple with him, but then we're not together and i worry that i'm never going to be good enough for him, or i'm too loud for him, or too weird, or not pretty enough, etc. i've never dated anyone that i've been friends with for a long time, and the fact that i've known him for years...long enough that he has memories of my brother...freaks me out. even though we didn't really talk besides the few words exchanged at camp every summer, i still wondered what he was up to, what was going on in his life. i always had a crush on him, but it just never seemed like a big deal until he kissed me this summer. then everything changed. i think everything changed so quickly...considering we went from bearly talking to eachother once a summer, to staying up til 5 am - me talking more about my brother to him than to anyone, ever - and kissing, to suddenly realizing that we both wanted to be together but i was too scared, and he was patient, and now i feel more for him than i've felt for my previous boyfriends...guys that i dated for 1.5 yrs and 2.5 yrs.
its unbelievable that i have the ability to open up and talk about anything and everything with this boy, more than i have ever been able to with anyone. he pushes me to talk about things that i held back for so long. ive confessed things to him i never had been able to put into words before and even though i still have a hard time talkin about some stuff, him just being there helps.
when we were watchin ER together two weeks ago and it was about a sick baby, i started to get really sad and quiet and even tho i hate to admit it, i cried a little. i did my best to make sure that nick didn't notice but he did. he kept asking what was wrong, even though i'm pretty sure he knew before he asked. i didnt want to tell him, i mean its just a tv show, but stuff like that always hits home really hard. i wouldnt answer for a while and finally i was like well why do you want to know so badly. he didn't answer right away and neither of us said much. finally he was like you know what i hate? i hate it when people are like "i love my bf/gf" after going out for like a few weeks. yet, here we are. we've been going out for a month and a half and i cant help but feel the same. i wasn't exactly sure what he meant so i just nodded. after a while he was like did that scare you? and i was like why would that scare me? and he was like i basicallly said i love you. do you understand now why i wanted to know what was upsetting you? him sayin that pretty much made me realize that i did love him too. i had been trying to convince myself it was impossible, but i knew that there was no way i would have been able to talk him about everything we had, i wouldnt miss him so much when we aren't together, had i not been feeling the same.
i just hope that if the day comes that we can't be together anymore, we can both walk away, as friends.
i wish he knew how much he's already changed my life in the short time we've been together.
so far i'm not sure what going on fri-sunday but monday i get to go apple picking! so far its just me kenny and nick but i talked to tara and i'm gonna talk to stef. last time we went, we ended up breaking a bunch of trees trying to get to the good apples so i promised kenny there would be plenty of tree-breaking and donut-eating, since this place has THE BEST donuts. EVER. plus, i get to see kennys new truck and i'm sure its pretty sweet.
i think i'll probably end up staying home until tuesday, since i have no CAB and no Voice this week. not that i don't love being apart of both, but having two 12 hr days in a row is exhausting. i wake up on monday morning and worry that i'm never going to be able to get all my stuff done and that feeling doesnt end until wednesdays at 3 when graphic design gets out. i'm pretty sure my stress levels have reached an unusual high. but welcome to my life.
i'm also pretty excited that i don't have any class on thursday. that means only 3 classes next week and it will be the weekend again.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
it scares me how desperately i look forward to each weekend. each weekend means another chance for me to see nick. and every time i see him again it gives me hope that he won't just realize how perfect he is and how imperfect i am, and just get up, never to be seen again.
when we're together i constantly wonder what made me resist giving in to being a couple with him, but then we're not together and i worry that i'm never going to be good enough for him, or i'm too loud for him, or too weird, or not pretty enough, etc. i've never dated anyone that i've been friends with for a long time, and the fact that i've known him for years...long enough that he has memories of my brother...freaks me out. even though we didn't really talk besides the few words exchanged at camp every summer, i still wondered what he was up to, what was going on in his life. i always had a crush on him, but it just never seemed like a big deal until he kissed me this summer. then everything changed. i think everything changed so quickly...considering we went from bearly talking to eachother once a summer, to staying up til 5 am - me talking more about my brother to him than to anyone, ever - and kissing, to suddenly realizing that we both wanted to be together but i was too scared, and he was patient, and now i feel more for him than i've felt for my previous boyfriends...guys that i dated for 1.5 yrs and 2.5 yrs.
its unbelievable that i have the ability to open up and talk about anything and everything with this boy, more than i have ever been able to with anyone. he pushes me to talk about things that i held back for so long. ive confessed things to him i never had been able to put into words before and even though i still have a hard time talkin about some stuff, him just being there helps.
when we were watchin ER together two weeks ago and it was about a sick baby, i started to get really sad and quiet and even tho i hate to admit it, i cried a little. i did my best to make sure that nick didn't notice but he did. he kept asking what was wrong, even though i'm pretty sure he knew before he asked. i didnt want to tell him, i mean its just a tv show, but stuff like that always hits home really hard. i wouldnt answer for a while and finally i was like well why do you want to know so badly. he didn't answer right away and neither of us said much. finally he was like you know what i hate? i hate it when people are like "i love my bf/gf" after going out for like a few weeks. yet, here we are. we've been going out for a month and a half and i cant help but feel the same. i wasn't exactly sure what he meant so i just nodded. after a while he was like did that scare you? and i was like why would that scare me? and he was like i basicallly said i love you. do you understand now why i wanted to know what was upsetting you? him sayin that pretty much made me realize that i did love him too. i had been trying to convince myself it was impossible, but i knew that there was no way i would have been able to talk him about everything we had, i wouldnt miss him so much when we aren't together, had i not been feeling the same.
i just hope that if the day comes that we can't be together anymore, we can both walk away, as friends.
i wish he knew how much he's already changed my life in the short time we've been together.