Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: A Parody
OK, here's part one of my awesome Goblet of Fire parody. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I loved the movie and the books so much I wanted to poke fun because they made me laugh. I do not mean to generate any kind of money from this but purely wish to enjoy myself and amuse others. J.K. Rowling is my idol and I want to be just like her.
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Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: A Parody
Bigger. Longer. Uncut.
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OPENING CREDITS: OMGWE’RESOCREEPY!WOOOOOOOOO!
YOUNGER AUDIENCE MEMBERS: [are scared]
PARENTS: Maybe we should’ve realized this would be scarier than the others when it got that PG-13 rating…
SNAKE: Hiss…look at the creepy foreshadowing plot point…OOOOOOOOOOO!
CREEPY STATUE OF DOOM: I am the Creepy Statue of Doom. I am a plot point. Rawr.
HARRY POTTER CREDIT THINGY: OMGWTFWHERE’SHEDWIG’STHEME? We *always* appear together! It’s just not the same without it!
FRANK BRYCE: I’m old and crotchety - don’t mess with me. Rawr.
RANDOM LIGHT IN RIDDLE HOUSE: Ahahahahaha! I am a random light that will force you to investigate things in the house!
FRANK BRYCE: Blast! [hobbles outside at a good clip considering he’s supposed to pretty much be an invalid and flashes the FLASHLIGHT OF IMPENDING DOOM]
FLASHLIGHT OF IMPENDING DOOM: [flashes]
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Is it just me or are they trying to be really artsy with the cinematography? I think they got a new filter or something on the camera…
[VOLDEMORT, WORMTAIL and CROUCH JR. are talking about random plot points]
PEOPLE WHO READ THE BOOKS: OMGWTFISCROUCHJRDOINGTHERE?!?!?!
PERVY AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Who cares? He’s fucking hott!
VOLDEMORT: Blah blah blah…plot point…yada yada yada…oh you read the book? Awesome.
NAGINI: [slithers]
FRANK BRYCE: Holy shit that’s a big snake.
VOLDEMORT: Apparently there’s some random old guy - kill him.
FRANK BRYCE: [dies in a big flash of light]
KETTLE OF DOOM: [whistles shrilly] OOOOOOOOOOOOO! SYMBOLISM!!!
At the Burrow…
HERMIONE: Harry wake up.
HARRY: …
HERMIONE: Ron get out of bed! [yanks Ron’s covers back]
RON: [tries to pull covers back up] Jesus Hermione? What’s with you? [is embarrassed]
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Since when is Ron trailer trash who wears a wife beater?
HERMIONE: Who cares? Ron, can I join you in bed? That way you we can both ‘sleep’ - if ya know what I’m saying.
Harry: I’ll just leave. [exits]
[The WEASLEYS, HARRY and HERMIONE are walking with apparently no real sense of direction.]
AMOS DIGGORY: What up Arthur?
ARTHUR: Word! Kids this is Amos Diggory - one of my ministry homies.
RON: Dad don’t ever say that again. EVER.
CEDRIC: [jumps out of tree] ‘Sup?
FANGIRLS: [swoon]
THE MAGIC BOOT OF THE GREAT SORCEROR PTOLEMY: [insert hero shot here]
HARRY: Should I learn anything about Portkeys now? Perhaps this is a plot point or something? I seem to recall a big explanation in the books…
ARTHUR: No time - quick touch the boot!
[EVERYONE is magically transported to the world cup and everyone falls down except ARTHUR, AMOS and CEDRIC who come strolling in like pansies.]
GINNY: Damn, and I thought Cedric *had* to be straight.
HERMIONE: Maybe he just seems gay because he’s an actor or something.
CEDRIC: Need a hand Harry?
HERMIONE: Never mind, he’s gay. What a waste. [shakes head]
GINNY: Tell me about it.
ARTHUR: Hey cool our tent - Huzzah!
HARRY: But it’s small.
ARTHUR: That’s what you think. Here, I’ll hold the door for everyone else so you can pointedly make a late entry to separate you from everyone else showing that in the final movie/book you will stand alone to face Voldemort.
HARRY: …
ARTHUR: Everyone in!
[EVERYONE goes in. A few seconds later HARRY follows.]
HARRY: [goes all misty eyed] I love magic.
GINNY: Damnit! Why are all the guys turning gay?
At the Quidditch World Cup…
DRACO: I am studly. Rawr. And yes I’m aware I’m dressed like a muggle, something I would scorn in the books but I don’t care because I look damn fine.
FANGIRLS: [swoon]
ME: Yeah I’m gonna have to agree.
DRACO: Guess what? Because they made changes from the book I have better seats then you now and I’m with the Minister (who looks like Canada’s Prime Minister Paul Martin)!
LUCIOUS LUCIUS: Shut you yap boy. I’m the only one allowed to taunt because I have the pimpstick.
DRACO: When do I get my pimpstick?
LUCIUS: When you prove you’re straight.
DRACO: [pouts]
RON: Is there a point here at all?
LUCIUS: Foreshadowing Potter’s impending doom, duh.
RON: Oh.
IRISH QUIDDITCH TEAM: [looks way too old to be playing - they all seem to have grey hair, maybe it’s just poor lighting]
LEPRECHAUN: [dances a jig-huzzah]
BULGARIAN QUIDDITCH TEAM: [pwns the leprechaun]
KRUM: [does some wicked moves on his broomstick and shakes his fist in a pointed way] I am Krum. I am studly. Hear me roar. Rawr.
RON: Where the hell are the Veela? Isn’t that supposed to be a plot point with the Veela? DAMNIT WHERE ARE ALL THE HOT CHICKS?!
HERMIONE: Well at least we know Ron isn’t gay.
Later…
RON: Viktor’s not just an athlete, he’s an artist…
HERMIONE: Forget it, he is gay.
GINNY: Are you in love Ron?
RON: Hells yes.
FRED: What do you think the odds of finding some decent Firewhiskey out there are?
GEORGE: With the Irish celebrating like that? Amazing! Listen to them!
ARTHUR: That’s not the Irish! There’s murder afoot! Quick! Flee blindly into the mayhem outside!
[EVERYONE scurries outside into the mayhem]
DEATH EATERS: [are sinister looking]
HARRY: [is separated from the others] Oh fuck. [is smoked in the head by someone and falls over] Ow. [goes unconscious]
Some time later…
HARRY: Oh random guy from my dreams is real. Perhaps this means something…
DARK MARK: [is scary looking]
CROUCH: Who dunnit? WHO?!
HARRY: Uh…some random guy who’s hot in leather?
CROUCH: I don’t care if you are the boy who lived - lay off the dope.
On the train…
HERMIONE: This is so bad.
RON: Oh look - food.
HARRY: [sees Cho and drools] Yeah…pretty…
In Hogwarts…
DUMBLEDORE: So yeah, we’re assuming you all read the books so we don’t need to give a big explanation. Anywho - the short of it is Hogwarts decided to go international this year. And now here’s the damn sexy lovely ladies of Beauxbatons.
BEAUXBATONS GIRLS: That’s right - we’re hot and we know it. We even have better asses then J. Lo. And we’re French - how’s that for innuendo?
ALL BOYS: [drool]
ALL GIRLS: It’s called plastic surgery, hello. [eye roll]
ALFONSO CUARON: And y’all thought mine had innuendo.
DUMBLEDORE: And because we want to make sure the girls have something to look at this year too since we lost Oliver Wood, we imported some guys with biggerstaffs from Bulgaria to replace him! Here’s the awesome bishness of Durmstrang!
DURMSTRANG BOYS: We are studly. Rawr.
RON: OMGIT’SKRUM! I’m officially in love.
SLASH FANS: [begin eagerly taking notes]
DUMBLEDORE: So yeah…contest and there’s rules (that conveniently don’t apply to Harry Potter) and you have to be 17 (unless you’re Harry) so party. And now we’ll have the new creepy teacher randomly waltz in without any real explanation as to who he is!
MOODY: What up. I’m creepy - deal with it. [guzzles something that can only be assumed to be alcohol of some description]
In Moody’s class…
MOODY: Yeah I’m crazy - wanna fight about it?
CLASS: …
MOODY: Right, so foreshadowing time. Name an unforgivable curse!
RON: Imperius Curse.
MOODY: Excellent. So now I make the spider tap dance and scare the bejesus out of you kids then explain how it’s such a bad curse even though my demonstration was really funny.
CLASS: …
MOODY: Longbottom - name another curse.
NEVILLE: Cruticus.
MOODY: Oh goody you got the one I wanted you to name! Intense pain can drive people made. That’s a plot point peoples, write that one down for future reference cause this movie isn’t gonna cover Neville’s backstory much.
CLASS: …
MOODY: And now to make Harry feel uncomfortable - the last one is the killing curse and he’s the only one who’s ever survived it cause he’s special and I in no way begrudge him the fact that he destroyed my…I mean - all hail the boy-who-lived! Now get out of my house! All of you!
RON: Why are we clearly on the Divination staircase?
HARRY: Because Warner Brothers didn’t think this all the way through.
HERMIONE: Oh look it’s Neville.
MOODY: Neville, come here, time for another plot point involving you!
NEVILLE: Oh joy.
STAINED GLASS WINDOW: [is artsy and looks like it’s crying because of the rain]
With the Goblet of Fire…
CEDRIC: [enters his name and turns to wink at Harry, totally ignoring Ron’s pathetic attempts to get his attention]
RON: Gonna be another night where I cry myself to sleep.
THE TWINS: WE OWN ALL!
HERMIONE: It’s not gonna work.
TWINS: That’s what you think. Now we’re gonna pull some twincest move and voila we’re gonna put our names in. [are exploded backwards and grow beards] GAH! I HATE YOU! [they fight]
ALL: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!
HERMIONE: I’ll read a book instead cause I’m a loser.
KRUM: [strolls in looking studly and stares pointedly at HERMIONE]
HERMIONE: My he has big hands…
Later…
DUMBLEDORE: And our contestants are Viktor “Biggerstaff” Krum, Fleur “Stonefox” Delacour and Cedric “The Doomed” Diggory - huzzah. And yeah so unless there’s going to be a sudden twist in the plot that somehow allows Harry Potter to enter - oh there is going to be a plot twist that allows Harry Potter to answer? Oh right on. Harry, follow the others please and thanks.
HARRY: [tries to hide in the corner]
DUMBLEDORE: Get your rear in gear and move it Potter!
HARRY: Aye aye Captain! [scuttles across the room to shouts of ‘cheat!’ ‘loser’ and ‘I want to have your babies to hot stud!’]
DUMBLEDORE: [shakes Harry] DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME IN THE GOBLET OF FIRE?!
HARRY: No.
DUMBLEDORE: YOU’RE SURE?!
HARRY: Yes.
DUMBLEDORE: Right then. So now you’re a participant even if you don’t want to be.
HARRY: This isn’t going to be a fun year is it?
DUMBLEDORE: Course it is - now go practices your angst.
In the boys dorms…
HARRY: Ron what’s wrong with you?
RON: I don’t want to talk about it.
HARRY: Oh, is it your time of the month?
RON: I’M NOT A BLOODY WEREWOLF!
HARRY: You know, there is such a thing as male P.M.S. and I think you’re suffering from it.
RON: Piss off Harry.
AUDIENCE: OHMYGODHESWORE!
Random room somewhere presumable still in Hogwarts…
RITA SKEETER: Alright! Aren’t y’all so cute together! But Fleur, seriously, if you want to make it big in the world you’re gonna need bigger boobs than that. Look it mine, trust me, the investment is worth it. And Cedric you’re gonna have to work on you’re a hair a bit my dear, oh and start doing some drugs and learn guitar - every girl loves a guy with a guitar. Also work on acting straight. And Krum…yeah you got a biggerstaff so you’re golden. And Harry…well you’re…um…you’re young it’ll all grow. Now who wants to come into the closest first? Hmmm? Anyone? OK Harry you’re up.
HARRY: …
RITA: Oh isn’t this cozy?
HARRY: It’s a broom closet.
RITA: You should feel right at home then. (A/N: That exchange made me laugh so hard because my first thought was innuendo then my next thought was “How’d she know about the Dursleys?”)
HARRY: How’d you know I used to live in a broom closest?
RITA: I didn’t. Wow - I can make you a real tragic hero now! So, you have a psychotic death wish or what? You cry yourself to sleep at night? You still suck your thumb? You want me to make sweet sweet love to you while we play some Barry Manilow?
HARRY: WHAT?!
RITA: Nothing. So…you have lots of issues? Excellent!
The owlery…
HARRY: And apparently I no longer get messages in the Great Hall like a normal person.
OWL: [swoops in]
HARRY: [reads letter] I don’t get it.
OWL: [bites HARRY]
HARRY: That didn’t help!
Gryffindor Common Room…
HARRY: [twiddles his thumbs]
SIRIUS: [pops up in the fire looking like a muppet] Ahoy.
HARRY: Dude, you look like a muppet.
SIRIUS: I don’t want to talk about it. Now you’re having issues? Yes?
HARRY: When am I not having issues. People are always trying to kill me.
SIRIUS: Right, so anywho - yeah dreams are bad. VERY bad. Keep that in mind. Don’t pay attention to them. Except for one you’ll have right before Christmas next year concerning Arthur Weasley. If you have any about me they’re not real. Please for the love of god remember that.
HARRY: Right. Any other advice?
SIRIUS: Yeah, don’t get yourself killed - we still have three movies/books left.
HARRY: Oh no! Someone’s coming!
SIRIUS: Adios!
RON: What the hell are you doing?
HARRY: Nothing. You were dreaming. Go to bed.
RON: You gonna come with?
HARRY: No, we’re mad at each other remember?
RON: I knew that.
By the lake…
NEVILLE: Wow I have significant part in this movie.
HARRY: Good for you. Have a cookie.
NEVILLE: YAY!
HERMIONE: Ron wants me to tell you that so and so said to so and so and so and so said to someone who told such and such that something or other concerning you.
HARRY: …
HERMIONE: Erm…Hagrid’s looking for you.
HARRY: Oh.
RON: [gives HARRY a significant look]
HARRY: [is confundled] I don’t get it.
SLASH FANS: We do! [maniacal laughter ensues]
The Forest…
HARRY: What’s with the flower? Hagrid have you combed your hair? (A/N: It was too funny I couldn’t change it.)
HAGRID: I always comb my hair, what are you talking about? Now come on - I gotta show you something neat!
HARRY: HOLY COW BATMAN! I have to fight a dragon? This isn’t normal!
HAGRID: Course not, this is Hogwarts. Ron nearly fainted when he saw them, pansy.
HARRY: Ron was here?
HAGRID: Didn’t he tell you that - even though then there would be no need for me to show you the dragons because he could’ve just told you?
HARRY: No.
HAGRID: Oh, well then.
School courtyard…
HARRY: Hey Cedric, got a minute?
CEDRIC: For you baby, anything.
HARRY: Er…right. OK - first task is dragons.
CEDRIC: OH FUCK!
HARRY: Yeah that’s pretty much what I thought too.
CEDRIC: Uh…thanks for telling me, I think. Am I to think that you mean something by telling me this?
HARRY: No - I’m just being my usual good hero self.
CEDRIC: Damn, thought it meant you had the hots for me.
HARRY: [sees RON and SEAMUS but speaks to RON] You’re a fucking pansy.
RON: Better a pansy then a cheater cheater pumpkin eater!
HARRY: That’s it! Give me back the ‘Best Friends Forever” Locket I have you for Christmas last year!
RON: Sorry, I already burned it.
HARRY: You bastard. [whirls around and stomps off only to find DRACO]
DRACO: [laughs] Hey Potter!
HARRY: Fuck off.
DRACO: [pulls out wand] Why I oughtta…
MOODY: ZAP!
DRACO: [turns into a ferret and mayhem insues] Ow! [bounce] My [bounce] father [bounce] will [bounce] hear [bounce] about [bounce] this! [bounce bounce]
ME: Look everyone! Draco the Amazing Bouncing Ferret has returned!!!
JENN S.: YES! Megan you are my hero!
ME: I’m everyone’s hero.
MCGONAGALL: Stop this instant! No more bouncing ferrets, dear lord what is the world coming to?
ME: Awww…but it was funny!
TO BE CONTINUED!
Go here for Part two! http://www.livejournal.com/users/crazy_megan/20250.html