(no subject)
sometimes i get terrified of loosing everything i'm blessed enough to have. sometimes i get even more scared at the thought of what i don't know i'm loosing. the scariest of all is the thought of the things that i don't yet have that i will someday loose.
i just have this incredibly deep ceded fear of not being able to have kids in a normal and healthy way. it is my biggest fear. it makes me seem like some crazy baby obsessed girl but i've had this fear since i was really really little. i hope that it doesn't come true and i hope that if it does it is realized early enough to avoid too much loss. when people talk about their biggest fears i say mine is snakes. it's true, i hate the way they don't have arms and legs and can choke and smother people with their muscles. its disgusting and terrifying and makes me squirm and have to pick my feet up off the floor in a movie theater if they are on the screen. my real biggest fear is being infertile or having a miscarriage, or more than one. not being able to have kids would just mean adoption, but struggling is something i just know i couldn't handle. it's so strange, i don't want kids right away after being married and i don't want to be married for a very very long time, but this is my biggest fear.
and somewhere inside of me i just think it will all work out the way it is supposed to because the career i have, the man i marry, the house i buy for myself, the vacation home i save for, the promotions i get, the personal growth i experience...all lie in my hands. i will not be able to control this. it's why it's my greatest fear. i know i won't let myself fail, but this failure has nothing to do with me. and after how badly i want kids, how badly i want to raise them in light of the way i was raised, and have a beautiful, fully functional, and inherently over dramatic and unfortunately and definitely athletic brood, i think my karma will come back to make it happen.
and i am tired of being alone. i am 19 years old with no serious physical or psychological abnormalities and tired of being alone.
this is so heavy and deep and specific for livejournal.