My name is Ozymandias, king of kings: Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!
Watchmen
Watchmen
Watchmen
WATCHMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNN!!!!
(I'm writing this under the assumption that you've read the book.)
Okay. I get it. You can't add EVERYTHING from the book. I understand that. And in fact, I'm pretty okay with the stuff they cut, and the stuff they didn't cut, and how they incorporated things that were bigger in the comic but had to be made smaller for the movie.
But to take the story of Laurie, her mother, and the comedian, which was one of the most powerful and heartbreaking storylines in the book, and turn it into a fucking housewives melodrama is disgusting. It's deplorable. It didn't add or take anything away from the story they presented in the movie--God knows the chick who played Laurie, who I'll get to later, wasn't nearly a good enough actress to pull off anything of that emotional depth. And I'm sure when the DVD comes out there will be all these deleted scenes showing how they had more crap about it in the movie, but needed to be edited for time, but fuck it. If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all.
On the other hand, though, I'm not sure how I would feel if they completely cut that out. I might feel more betrayed by Zack fucking Snyder than I do now. But as it stands, the movie would have been better without it. They used the almost-rape scene to develop the Comedian's character, but forgot about it until Laurie had to remind Dr. Manhattan of his humanity and shit. It was a running theme throughout the book, and they FUCKED IT UP.
Breathing. Excuse me.
Anyway, they also had to explain fucking everything. Laurie's dad, the Big Point at the end, everything. It was disgusting patronizing. I found myself rolling my eyes near the end. Instead of some giant Vagina Monster coming and destroying Manhattan, they instead had Viedt make a machine just like Dr. Manhatten to destroy every major city in the world or something. Which was ridiculous, by the way. How does America's buttboy superhuman blowing up at least twenty cities make the USSR and the USA come together? You'd think everyone would be pissed at America. But they make it clear that American cities were also destroyed and the world is coming to resolution and coming back from being on the verge of nuclear collapse and BLAH BLAH BLAH WHERE'S MY VAGINA MONSTER?!
However. It's totally understandable that they couldn't include my much loved and much missed Vagina Monster because the entire storyline going around that would be hard to tell in a movie with a time limit. All things considered, having Doc Manhattan blamed is a pretty effective way of jumping over that hurdle and still keeping basically the same ending as the book. It also gives Manhatten a reason to go to another galaxy, other than he was sick of humans (haven't read the book in a while).
The movie looked great. I have no complaints about costumes or environments or anything. The acting however--not so much. The guy who played Rorschach was incredible--totally embodied the character and did the stupid Batman voice Christian Bale does, only instead of sounding like a douche bag with a sore throat he sounded menacing. The guy who played Nite Owl II was great as well--he had a really good comedy/drama thing going on. But what I'm about to say next is the so true it needs it own separate line:
Every single woman who acted in that movie was god fucking awful.
Most of the men were cool. The one's in the bit parts, not so much, but the main male leads were very good (Viedt was a little iffy at times, but perfect at others). The chick who played Laurie was terrible. Just terrible. Granted, Laurie is a very hard character to play, and is epic annoying in the book, but JESUS. I can barely describe how bad this woman was. Malin Ackerman or whatever, the fuck kind of name is that? Anyway, she was awful. Just awful. You get to see her tits, which I'm sure will forgive her in some fanboy's eyes, but not in mine. The only thing about her that impressed me was she did all of her action scenes in really fucking high heels. That was pretty incredible. It also means Britney Goddamn Spears was qualified for that role, if that's the only thing you're going by, but I digress.
Laurie's mom was terrible. So was Doc Manhattan's first girlfriend. It's incredible really. Just because someone looks the part doesn't mean they can act it. I know it's more expensive, but Jesus, put them in make up or something. Don't pick someone because they look nice. The one who played Laurie's Mom's biggest role was in Spy Kids for Christ's sake. Come on people. Chick who played Janey, Doc Manhatten girlfriend? She was the evil lady in motherfucking Thirteen Ghosts. Yes, that is one of my favorite movies, but trust me, I don't watch it for the acting.
What else was bad? The fact that they felt compelled to force you in a certain direction in the end was pretty damn annoying. In the book you were left on your own to figure out who was truly bad or truly good, and whether or not they did the right thing. That's why it was such a mindfuck. BUT NOT HERE! OOOOOOHHHHH NOOOOOOOO we can't have people figuring out shit for themselves! Let us instead fucking spoon-feed the morality. Great job, fellas. Really spiffy. I can't remember the exact line, but at the end after Rorschach gets blown up, Nite Owl beats up Viedt and they have a really sanctimonious conversation. Then Laurie and Nite Owl leave together, but have time to look back at Adrian, alone in his ruined lair. I mean come on.
Also the talk about the "real practical joke"? Please. Spare me. Of all the things they could have used throughout the movie to pull it together, to show the "point"? Come on. That was just retarded. Again, though, that's my bias as a comic reader speaking. If I hadn't read the book? Who knows how I would have felt about that.
Probably still pissed off. Anyway.
Another thing that bugged me was the use of music and the completely unnecessary addition of famous people from the 70's and 80's. We get it. It takes place in a world much like our own. The fucking cameos from people like Annie Leibowitz (or whatever her name is--that famous photographer)and Andy Warhol and the standing outside Studio 54 crap was retarded. And adding in Bob Dylan songs and funk music and all that crap--Sara no likie. It made a lot of important scenes seem trivial and dumb. Once again, we understand this is all happening before our crazy hip-hop music came out. We get that this is, once again, a world just like ours only with idiots running around in costumes and a human nuke. However, the constant reminders of it were irritating. In 300 Zack Snider didn't add in a bunch of metal songs because metal is the music of killing Persians in a man-thong. No, he put in music originally composed for the film. I concede that in certain instances (the Comedian being killed...uh...something else) the lyrical music was used to great effect. But I found the scenes with just a...I dunno, a composed piece to be better than the ones with fucking "Hallelujah" playing in the background.
Also: DAN AND LAURIE. WE GET IT. HE'S OLD AND FAT. HE HAS PROBLEMS GETTING IT UP. DON'T END THE FUCKING MOVIE WITH THAT. DO NOT END THE MOVIE WITH THAT! JESUS TITS PEOPLE!
And now, the good:
Once again, the movie LOOKED fabulous. I don't know shit about how to make movies, but the cinematography or art direction or whatever was great. It's hard to make an entirely blue, glowing man look like he could exist in reality, but by golly they did. Or they did it as well as they could. I had no problems with the costumes. A lot of people got all pissy before Watchmen came out that they costumes were all hard and dark and edgy and shit, but please. They looked fine.
FYI, the guy who played Rorschach was amazing. Just need to reiterate that. Billy Crudup (the only actor whose name I actually know) was pretty good as Doc Manhattan. It must be hard to play a guy who seemingly has no emotion, but in reality just feels in a different way than humans do. Nite Owl was lovely and had great timing, for everything really. Viedt was eh. He was great in the scenes where at the end, which makes me think the actor interpreted him as evil, which makes me sad. But overall he was fine. The guy who played the Comedian was great. The Comedian is one of my favorite characters, so I was kind of worried about him, but the guy who played him was awesome. He was such a bastard, yet you still liked him. Just like the book.
The action scenes were great. They showed the violence, and Lord knows I can't get enough ultraviolence in my life. I'm sure some people will say it was gratuitous, but come on: how often am I going to see someone get hot acid poured on them or see people get blown up because Doc Manhattan (or someone like him) flex his fingers? It was bitchin'. The scene with Rorschach telling the shrink about the girl and the dog was almost perfect. I say almost because the guy who played the murderer was shit. Total shit. Good lord, why did they pick him? Another example of picking someone just because they look good. But the tension in that scene, and his horror and breaking when he realizes what happened is wonderful. It also had good, atmospheric music (although half the time I expect like..."White Rabbit" to come on in time with the murderer getting thwaked in the head with an axe).
So, overall...I don't know. I honestly don't know. What was good was good, but what was bad. I'm feeling conflicted at the moment. I'm probably going to see it again over Spring Break, during which I can finalize my opinion, whatever it may turn out to be.
Oh, and one last thing:
You get to see Doc Manhattan's junk a lot. It's a cross between pretty innocuous and HELLO PENIS.
Watchmen
Watchmen
WATCHMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNN!!!!
(I'm writing this under the assumption that you've read the book.)
Okay. I get it. You can't add EVERYTHING from the book. I understand that. And in fact, I'm pretty okay with the stuff they cut, and the stuff they didn't cut, and how they incorporated things that were bigger in the comic but had to be made smaller for the movie.
But to take the story of Laurie, her mother, and the comedian, which was one of the most powerful and heartbreaking storylines in the book, and turn it into a fucking housewives melodrama is disgusting. It's deplorable. It didn't add or take anything away from the story they presented in the movie--God knows the chick who played Laurie, who I'll get to later, wasn't nearly a good enough actress to pull off anything of that emotional depth. And I'm sure when the DVD comes out there will be all these deleted scenes showing how they had more crap about it in the movie, but needed to be edited for time, but fuck it. If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all.
On the other hand, though, I'm not sure how I would feel if they completely cut that out. I might feel more betrayed by Zack fucking Snyder than I do now. But as it stands, the movie would have been better without it. They used the almost-rape scene to develop the Comedian's character, but forgot about it until Laurie had to remind Dr. Manhattan of his humanity and shit. It was a running theme throughout the book, and they FUCKED IT UP.
Breathing. Excuse me.
Anyway, they also had to explain fucking everything. Laurie's dad, the Big Point at the end, everything. It was disgusting patronizing. I found myself rolling my eyes near the end. Instead of some giant Vagina Monster coming and destroying Manhattan, they instead had Viedt make a machine just like Dr. Manhatten to destroy every major city in the world or something. Which was ridiculous, by the way. How does America's buttboy superhuman blowing up at least twenty cities make the USSR and the USA come together? You'd think everyone would be pissed at America. But they make it clear that American cities were also destroyed and the world is coming to resolution and coming back from being on the verge of nuclear collapse and BLAH BLAH BLAH WHERE'S MY VAGINA MONSTER?!
However. It's totally understandable that they couldn't include my much loved and much missed Vagina Monster because the entire storyline going around that would be hard to tell in a movie with a time limit. All things considered, having Doc Manhattan blamed is a pretty effective way of jumping over that hurdle and still keeping basically the same ending as the book. It also gives Manhatten a reason to go to another galaxy, other than he was sick of humans (haven't read the book in a while).
The movie looked great. I have no complaints about costumes or environments or anything. The acting however--not so much. The guy who played Rorschach was incredible--totally embodied the character and did the stupid Batman voice Christian Bale does, only instead of sounding like a douche bag with a sore throat he sounded menacing. The guy who played Nite Owl II was great as well--he had a really good comedy/drama thing going on. But what I'm about to say next is the so true it needs it own separate line:
Every single woman who acted in that movie was god fucking awful.
Most of the men were cool. The one's in the bit parts, not so much, but the main male leads were very good (Viedt was a little iffy at times, but perfect at others). The chick who played Laurie was terrible. Just terrible. Granted, Laurie is a very hard character to play, and is epic annoying in the book, but JESUS. I can barely describe how bad this woman was. Malin Ackerman or whatever, the fuck kind of name is that? Anyway, she was awful. Just awful. You get to see her tits, which I'm sure will forgive her in some fanboy's eyes, but not in mine. The only thing about her that impressed me was she did all of her action scenes in really fucking high heels. That was pretty incredible. It also means Britney Goddamn Spears was qualified for that role, if that's the only thing you're going by, but I digress.
Laurie's mom was terrible. So was Doc Manhattan's first girlfriend. It's incredible really. Just because someone looks the part doesn't mean they can act it. I know it's more expensive, but Jesus, put them in make up or something. Don't pick someone because they look nice. The one who played Laurie's Mom's biggest role was in Spy Kids for Christ's sake. Come on people. Chick who played Janey, Doc Manhatten girlfriend? She was the evil lady in motherfucking Thirteen Ghosts. Yes, that is one of my favorite movies, but trust me, I don't watch it for the acting.
What else was bad? The fact that they felt compelled to force you in a certain direction in the end was pretty damn annoying. In the book you were left on your own to figure out who was truly bad or truly good, and whether or not they did the right thing. That's why it was such a mindfuck. BUT NOT HERE! OOOOOOHHHHH NOOOOOOOO we can't have people figuring out shit for themselves! Let us instead fucking spoon-feed the morality. Great job, fellas. Really spiffy. I can't remember the exact line, but at the end after Rorschach gets blown up, Nite Owl beats up Viedt and they have a really sanctimonious conversation. Then Laurie and Nite Owl leave together, but have time to look back at Adrian, alone in his ruined lair. I mean come on.
Also the talk about the "real practical joke"? Please. Spare me. Of all the things they could have used throughout the movie to pull it together, to show the "point"? Come on. That was just retarded. Again, though, that's my bias as a comic reader speaking. If I hadn't read the book? Who knows how I would have felt about that.
Probably still pissed off. Anyway.
Another thing that bugged me was the use of music and the completely unnecessary addition of famous people from the 70's and 80's. We get it. It takes place in a world much like our own. The fucking cameos from people like Annie Leibowitz (or whatever her name is--that famous photographer)and Andy Warhol and the standing outside Studio 54 crap was retarded. And adding in Bob Dylan songs and funk music and all that crap--Sara no likie. It made a lot of important scenes seem trivial and dumb. Once again, we understand this is all happening before our crazy hip-hop music came out. We get that this is, once again, a world just like ours only with idiots running around in costumes and a human nuke. However, the constant reminders of it were irritating. In 300 Zack Snider didn't add in a bunch of metal songs because metal is the music of killing Persians in a man-thong. No, he put in music originally composed for the film. I concede that in certain instances (the Comedian being killed...uh...something else) the lyrical music was used to great effect. But I found the scenes with just a...I dunno, a composed piece to be better than the ones with fucking "Hallelujah" playing in the background.
Also: DAN AND LAURIE. WE GET IT. HE'S OLD AND FAT. HE HAS PROBLEMS GETTING IT UP. DON'T END THE FUCKING MOVIE WITH THAT. DO NOT END THE MOVIE WITH THAT! JESUS TITS PEOPLE!
And now, the good:
Once again, the movie LOOKED fabulous. I don't know shit about how to make movies, but the cinematography or art direction or whatever was great. It's hard to make an entirely blue, glowing man look like he could exist in reality, but by golly they did. Or they did it as well as they could. I had no problems with the costumes. A lot of people got all pissy before Watchmen came out that they costumes were all hard and dark and edgy and shit, but please. They looked fine.
FYI, the guy who played Rorschach was amazing. Just need to reiterate that. Billy Crudup (the only actor whose name I actually know) was pretty good as Doc Manhattan. It must be hard to play a guy who seemingly has no emotion, but in reality just feels in a different way than humans do. Nite Owl was lovely and had great timing, for everything really. Viedt was eh. He was great in the scenes where at the end, which makes me think the actor interpreted him as evil, which makes me sad. But overall he was fine. The guy who played the Comedian was great. The Comedian is one of my favorite characters, so I was kind of worried about him, but the guy who played him was awesome. He was such a bastard, yet you still liked him. Just like the book.
The action scenes were great. They showed the violence, and Lord knows I can't get enough ultraviolence in my life. I'm sure some people will say it was gratuitous, but come on: how often am I going to see someone get hot acid poured on them or see people get blown up because Doc Manhattan (or someone like him) flex his fingers? It was bitchin'. The scene with Rorschach telling the shrink about the girl and the dog was almost perfect. I say almost because the guy who played the murderer was shit. Total shit. Good lord, why did they pick him? Another example of picking someone just because they look good. But the tension in that scene, and his horror and breaking when he realizes what happened is wonderful. It also had good, atmospheric music (although half the time I expect like..."White Rabbit" to come on in time with the murderer getting thwaked in the head with an axe).
So, overall...I don't know. I honestly don't know. What was good was good, but what was bad. I'm feeling conflicted at the moment. I'm probably going to see it again over Spring Break, during which I can finalize my opinion, whatever it may turn out to be.
Oh, and one last thing:
You get to see Doc Manhattan's junk a lot. It's a cross between pretty innocuous and HELLO PENIS.