(Untitled)

[bakingbev]

Title: When shadows move and stomachs growl

Author: louisiana-lady1937

Genre: general

Rating: G

Warnings: none

Critique: Yes, any level

Summary: Mind wanderings and viewed events from my screened-in porch in the pre-dawn hours.

Title: When shadows move and stomachs growl

Author: louisiana-lady1937

Genre: general

Rating: G

Warnings: none

Critique: Yes, any

Comments

Aroma's

[alohamac]

Bev , I really liked what you wrote but as I read it I tried to imagine myself on that screened in porch and I found that I wanted Chicory in my coffee and I wanted to hear more about how the aroma of Mocha filled the air and gave me the peace and presence & calmness to not distract the racoon . I enjoyed it but missed the description of the coffee to a fuller extent.

[kakkui_1037]

I thought it was very descriptive, which is good. What I didn't like is that the voice was a bit proper. The story is very intimate so I think it should be told more intimately and have more of a casual tone to it.

Play up the 4am vibe as well. Is the air cold, is there dew on the grass? Is it still dark, or is the sky purple? Do you have a blanket wrapped around yourself for warmth?