RP logs: Meta (Alan)
Because the other day was really a bad day, and then reading fics made his mind careen into angst. Alan is legacyguardian
in... a way now Flynn's sort of wondering WHY THE HELL did they let him have the run of things at all
Alan: Because for all the irritation, for all the ... *shakes his head, goes stands with his friend*
Flynn: *slightly tired - at himself - smile, and nods. Kind of knows. And still, the mistakes he made...*
Alan: *wry smile, clasps an arm around his shoulders*
Flynn: *tucks his chin in, but leans into him*
Alan: *both arms around him then, if he's going to look like that*
Flynn: *sighs, then looks around to make sure none of the kids are nearby. And then quietly* You ... knew... I wasn't trustworthy. I should have listened.
Alan: *quietly, reasonably* If I know you're not trustworthy, I shouldn't trust your self-evaluation that you're not trustworthy.
Flynn: *blink, blink blinks. deeply stifled brief laugh, mostly just shaking in his chest* Nice logic, except it's realizing now how untrustworthy I always was. I didn't, back then.
Alan: *chuckles* I rather liked it. *kisses his temple, hugs him* It's not that you're not trustworthy. It's that you get carried away. And I knew. And I should have pushed. And you should have listened. We all should have done things we didn't. Or not done some things we did. *a little deeper, a little more gravel* We're here now.
Flynn: *hunches into him. Muffled into Alan's shoulder* I don't... deserve. All I've earned has been pain and suffering and missing and loss. I can't fix it, Alan. No undo button, no taking it back to where I made the choices. Just... *shakes his head, this isn't taking them anywhere better, either, and he knows that it's not Alan's fault, it's not anyone's fault but his own, in the end. Who did he think he was, playing with lives and creation and new worlds?*
Alan: *quietly still, still gently, fingers combing through his hair* And who decides that, Flynn? You? Who decides what you deserve? Or are you manifesting your ego again? *and that's also gentle, teasing, almost laughter in his voice but sadness too, that his friend feels that way * If we, if Sam does'nt get to decide what you deserve, we all have the choice of what we give. And we're making that choice. Every day.
Flynn: *kind of freezes at that, gentle as it was, swallows. Small nod, that and breathing almost the only motions in him right now*
Alan: *still smoothing back his hair* You made your choices to wander off and ... and be the genius in the wilderness, or build the biggest surprise present ever. Sam told me you wanted to show him, soon, whatever 'soon' was. We're making the decision not to let you go off again a second time. We want, we need you around too much. We all love you too much for that.
Flynn: *shaky breath* I meant to give... everything to everybody. And I ended up taking, taking, from everybody and everything I touched. I don't know what... I don't know how to make it up, old friend. Everything I took... it's huge. And every time I try to... to let something loose, it weighs even more, because I shouldn't have taken it in the first place. *swallows* I'm not going anywhere, no. I'm... not. I'm just afraid in the end, it'll turn out even worse, somehow.
Alan: *hugs him tighter* You... *kind of starts to say you let us worry abotu that, but, no* no, you go right on feeling that, but don't you dare let it paralyze you. We're all working on it together, now. However it turns out... is how it turns out. No one's trying to make it any worse than it absolutely has to be, and... doesn't seem like that's bad at all. We'll figure it out. Together. All of us.
Flynn: *small nod, eyes closed. And then another shaky breath, arms tightening back around Alan. Voice all raspy* I'll try that, yeah.
Alan: *quietly, again, because it bears repeating* We love you, Kevin. I love you. We're not letting you go this time. *no matter how much you think you may deserve it*
Flynn: *and that takes his breath away. Again. Differently. And there's almost a smile, and he relaxes a little.* Thank you, Alan. And ... difficult as my actions may make it to believe... I love you, too. I do.
Alan: *soft smile* I know. I do know that. *he always knew. even when he wanted to grab Flynn by his disappeared shoulders and shake him till his teeth rattled*
Flynn: *slow sigh, as the tension leaves his body somewhat. It's... that matters. Possibly more than he can put into words*
in... a way now Flynn's sort of wondering WHY THE HELL did they let him have the run of things at all
Alan: Because for all the irritation, for all the ... *shakes his head, goes stands with his friend*
Flynn: *slightly tired - at himself - smile, and nods. Kind of knows. And still, the mistakes he made...*
Alan: *wry smile, clasps an arm around his shoulders*
Flynn: *tucks his chin in, but leans into him*
Alan: *both arms around him then, if he's going to look like that*
Flynn: *sighs, then looks around to make sure none of the kids are nearby. And then quietly* You ... knew... I wasn't trustworthy. I should have listened.
Alan: *quietly, reasonably* If I know you're not trustworthy, I shouldn't trust your self-evaluation that you're not trustworthy.
Flynn: *blink, blink blinks. deeply stifled brief laugh, mostly just shaking in his chest* Nice logic, except it's realizing now how untrustworthy I always was. I didn't, back then.
Alan: *chuckles* I rather liked it. *kisses his temple, hugs him* It's not that you're not trustworthy. It's that you get carried away. And I knew. And I should have pushed. And you should have listened. We all should have done things we didn't. Or not done some things we did. *a little deeper, a little more gravel* We're here now.
Flynn: *hunches into him. Muffled into Alan's shoulder* I don't... deserve. All I've earned has been pain and suffering and missing and loss. I can't fix it, Alan. No undo button, no taking it back to where I made the choices. Just... *shakes his head, this isn't taking them anywhere better, either, and he knows that it's not Alan's fault, it's not anyone's fault but his own, in the end. Who did he think he was, playing with lives and creation and new worlds?*
Alan: *quietly still, still gently, fingers combing through his hair* And who decides that, Flynn? You? Who decides what you deserve? Or are you manifesting your ego again? *and that's also gentle, teasing, almost laughter in his voice but sadness too, that his friend feels that way * If we, if Sam does'nt get to decide what you deserve, we all have the choice of what we give. And we're making that choice. Every day.
Flynn: *kind of freezes at that, gentle as it was, swallows. Small nod, that and breathing almost the only motions in him right now*
Alan: *still smoothing back his hair* You made your choices to wander off and ... and be the genius in the wilderness, or build the biggest surprise present ever. Sam told me you wanted to show him, soon, whatever 'soon' was. We're making the decision not to let you go off again a second time. We want, we need you around too much. We all love you too much for that.
Flynn: *shaky breath* I meant to give... everything to everybody. And I ended up taking, taking, from everybody and everything I touched. I don't know what... I don't know how to make it up, old friend. Everything I took... it's huge. And every time I try to... to let something loose, it weighs even more, because I shouldn't have taken it in the first place. *swallows* I'm not going anywhere, no. I'm... not. I'm just afraid in the end, it'll turn out even worse, somehow.
Alan: *hugs him tighter* You... *kind of starts to say you let us worry abotu that, but, no* no, you go right on feeling that, but don't you dare let it paralyze you. We're all working on it together, now. However it turns out... is how it turns out. No one's trying to make it any worse than it absolutely has to be, and... doesn't seem like that's bad at all. We'll figure it out. Together. All of us.
Flynn: *small nod, eyes closed. And then another shaky breath, arms tightening back around Alan. Voice all raspy* I'll try that, yeah.
Alan: *quietly, again, because it bears repeating* We love you, Kevin. I love you. We're not letting you go this time. *no matter how much you think you may deserve it*
Flynn: *and that takes his breath away. Again. Differently. And there's almost a smile, and he relaxes a little.* Thank you, Alan. And ... difficult as my actions may make it to believe... I love you, too. I do.
Alan: *soft smile* I know. I do know that. *he always knew. even when he wanted to grab Flynn by his disappeared shoulders and shake him till his teeth rattled*
Flynn: *slow sigh, as the tension leaves his body somewhat. It's... that matters. Possibly more than he can put into words*