The REAL KOH Review
3 1/2 hours of sleep and working in insurance just do not mix.
I throw that down merely as a statement of fact, not for any particular reason.
I'm bushed. I'm exhausted. My uterus aches. Thank you, Orlando Bloom. Hell, thank you Sonia Bloom and Colin Stone for having an affair and conceiving Orlando Bloom. Thank you, respective parents and grandparents of aforementioned parents. Thank you, general collective gene pool that spawned Orlando Bloom. Your contribution to the sublime creature that is Orlando Bloom is herewith noted and appreciated.
I know that my first review of "Kingdom of Heaven" was perhaps a tad too serious for some. I'm sure you thought that I'd be putting up an expletive-laced, detailed, extremely imaginative masturbation fantasy that would require superhuman stamina and flexibility on Orlando's part.
Well, yeah. You guys know me too, too well. But I had to be all scholarly and stuff first. Because... well, I don't know... but I thought I should. Also because that's the review I showed Thom. Heh.
I attended a critic's screening in which there were maybe 25 people in that theater, tops. Columella has a student who does reviews for the high school paper, and he had an in.
So yes, I watched this movie sitting next to a 17 year old male high school student.
No, I did not offer him candy or a G.I. Joe doll with a Kung-Fu grip, nor did I tell him I had a puppy for him to play with out in the van. My fascination with younger men begins and ends with Das Bloom.
Thank God. I don't think I could handle the ankle bracelet or the constant wearing of orange. Plus the stripes go the wrong way on prison wear and no matter how much weight I lose or how much I work out in the weight room, it'll still just be tragically wrong. But I digress...
I know that I did squeal, writhe and whimper quietly at certain scenes in this movie. I know this because the seventeen year old male next to me would either recoil in terror or try to cover my eyes.
Wrong answer, both of those. One, I can smell fear. I'm just like a dog. Two, don't you DARE get in between me and The Pretty. (The Pretty being Bloom, of course.) If you come between me and The
Pretty, you WILL be pulling back a stump.
Gah. Gah. GahgahGAHMotherFuckingGAH.
The man was freaking HAWT. He was beyond HAWT. He totally met and exceeded all my HAWT expectations. He is a HAWT overachiever. He is das uberHAWT. He is the GAWD of HAWT. I fall down at worship at the altar of his HAWTNESS.
And Lo, Irene did see "Kingdom of Heaven" and Lo, Irene did require a can of Resolve (tm) to restore the upholstered seat to its previously non-crusty condition. And Lo, it was good. At least for Irene, who wished for a moment that she still smoked.
Let's just say that Orlando Bloom looks damned good grimy. He looks damned good sweaty. In fact, I'd like to do a scientific experiment where I roll him in the dirt to find out how long it will take for him to not look so damned good. It's much like the "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie-Roll Pop" question, but with the potential for more fun. Although, how many licks does it take to get to the creamy filling in the center of Orlando Bloom's p..... Nevermind... Baaaad thought there.
I watched this movie with two parts of my brain. I already gave you the review my forebrain gave. Now I will give you the review from my hindbrain--the reptile brain if you will.
Movie opens. Liam Neeson. He's hot in a tall gangly way. Hmm. There's the blacksmith! PRETTY !!! MAN PRETTY!
Hmmm. Angsty men are usually not my cup of tea but when they're this pretty and WEARING LEATHER!!!! ::SPLURT::
Oh! He killed someone! WHILE WEARING LEATHER!! ::SPLURT::
Oh! He's fighting with Liam! Liam just bitchslapped him! YES! YES! YES! ROLL HIM AROUND IN THE DIRT SOME MORE, JEDI MASTER!
OH NO! Liam is dying! How tragi... DEAR GOD! ORLANDO IS IN TIGHT PANTS! AH!
A knighting! GAH! He's on his knees! GAH! BITCHSLAP HIM AGAIN BEFORE YOU DIE, LIAM! Oh. Damn. I liked him.
Oh! A storm on the ship! Yay! THE PRETTY IS GRIMY *AND* WET!!! YAY!! I LOVE RIDLEY SCOTT!
Oh! A fight in the desert! And Jerusalem.
Hey. Orlando still has his clothes on and I'm an hour in. I'm feeling cheated here....
OH! LOOK AT THE PRETTY IN ARMOR!!! GAH!!
(The Pretty in a fine layer of grime, wearing armor, and weilding a sword is my Kryptonite. Damn Ridley Scott.)
Oh!!! He's digging a well. WORK THAT SHOVEL, BITCH! WORK IT!
Here's the Princess. I know what she wants. Bitch. Wait! He's got his shirt off!! ::SPLURT!!:: I CAN SEE THE SCAR FROM HIS BACK SURGERY!! ::SUPERSPLURT:: ::SPLURTISIMO FORTE:: Pecs and biceps and triceps, oh my! SPANK ME, ELFBOY!!! SPANK ME! FORGET THE PRINCESS, SHE'S A TRAMP AND SHE LOOKS LIKE AN ANOREXIC 'PRECIOUS MOMENTS' KID!!
OH! SEX SCE... HEY! WHERE DID IT GO??? Damn.
OH! Fighting! HIT HIM AGAIN! BLOOD? YAY! ROLL HIM AROUND IN THE DIRT SOME MORE! IT ONLY INCREASES HIS HAWT FACTOR! I'LL GLADLY VOLUNTEER TO TONGUE BATHE HIM CLEAN!!!
Damn. Who bathed him? Who? Cause it sure wasn't me! Bitches.
FIGHTING! YAY! Damn. He gets knocked out more than Scully did during first season X-Files.
FIGHTING! YAY! Oh! Siege! He's all... commanding and stuff. Oh. I have a thing for commanding men... ::SQUISH::
HE JUST SNARKED THE BISHOP OF JERUSALEM! I LUFF HIM!!! SPANK ME, ELFBOY! 3 ORIFACES, NO WAITING!!!!!
::sigh:: I so need a kiddie pool full of sugar-free lime Jello (tm), 3 ferrets, a leaf blower, and a case of Extra-Thick Reddi-Whip to roll him around in.
Oh! It's over.
Ow. My uterus hurts. I wonder why?
I throw that down merely as a statement of fact, not for any particular reason.
I'm bushed. I'm exhausted. My uterus aches. Thank you, Orlando Bloom. Hell, thank you Sonia Bloom and Colin Stone for having an affair and conceiving Orlando Bloom. Thank you, respective parents and grandparents of aforementioned parents. Thank you, general collective gene pool that spawned Orlando Bloom. Your contribution to the sublime creature that is Orlando Bloom is herewith noted and appreciated.
I know that my first review of "Kingdom of Heaven" was perhaps a tad too serious for some. I'm sure you thought that I'd be putting up an expletive-laced, detailed, extremely imaginative masturbation fantasy that would require superhuman stamina and flexibility on Orlando's part.
Well, yeah. You guys know me too, too well. But I had to be all scholarly and stuff first. Because... well, I don't know... but I thought I should. Also because that's the review I showed Thom. Heh.
I attended a critic's screening in which there were maybe 25 people in that theater, tops. Columella has a student who does reviews for the high school paper, and he had an in.
So yes, I watched this movie sitting next to a 17 year old male high school student.
No, I did not offer him candy or a G.I. Joe doll with a Kung-Fu grip, nor did I tell him I had a puppy for him to play with out in the van. My fascination with younger men begins and ends with Das Bloom.
Thank God. I don't think I could handle the ankle bracelet or the constant wearing of orange. Plus the stripes go the wrong way on prison wear and no matter how much weight I lose or how much I work out in the weight room, it'll still just be tragically wrong. But I digress...
I know that I did squeal, writhe and whimper quietly at certain scenes in this movie. I know this because the seventeen year old male next to me would either recoil in terror or try to cover my eyes.
Wrong answer, both of those. One, I can smell fear. I'm just like a dog. Two, don't you DARE get in between me and The Pretty. (The Pretty being Bloom, of course.) If you come between me and The
Pretty, you WILL be pulling back a stump.
Gah. Gah. GahgahGAHMotherFuckingGAH.
The man was freaking HAWT. He was beyond HAWT. He totally met and exceeded all my HAWT expectations. He is a HAWT overachiever. He is das uberHAWT. He is the GAWD of HAWT. I fall down at worship at the altar of his HAWTNESS.
And Lo, Irene did see "Kingdom of Heaven" and Lo, Irene did require a can of Resolve (tm) to restore the upholstered seat to its previously non-crusty condition. And Lo, it was good. At least for Irene, who wished for a moment that she still smoked.
Let's just say that Orlando Bloom looks damned good grimy. He looks damned good sweaty. In fact, I'd like to do a scientific experiment where I roll him in the dirt to find out how long it will take for him to not look so damned good. It's much like the "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie-Roll Pop" question, but with the potential for more fun. Although, how many licks does it take to get to the creamy filling in the center of Orlando Bloom's p..... Nevermind... Baaaad thought there.
I watched this movie with two parts of my brain. I already gave you the review my forebrain gave. Now I will give you the review from my hindbrain--the reptile brain if you will.
Movie opens. Liam Neeson. He's hot in a tall gangly way. Hmm. There's the blacksmith! PRETTY !!! MAN PRETTY!
Hmmm. Angsty men are usually not my cup of tea but when they're this pretty and WEARING LEATHER!!!! ::SPLURT::
Oh! He killed someone! WHILE WEARING LEATHER!! ::SPLURT::
Oh! He's fighting with Liam! Liam just bitchslapped him! YES! YES! YES! ROLL HIM AROUND IN THE DIRT SOME MORE, JEDI MASTER!
OH NO! Liam is dying! How tragi... DEAR GOD! ORLANDO IS IN TIGHT PANTS! AH!
A knighting! GAH! He's on his knees! GAH! BITCHSLAP HIM AGAIN BEFORE YOU DIE, LIAM! Oh. Damn. I liked him.
Oh! A storm on the ship! Yay! THE PRETTY IS GRIMY *AND* WET!!! YAY!! I LOVE RIDLEY SCOTT!
Oh! A fight in the desert! And Jerusalem.
Hey. Orlando still has his clothes on and I'm an hour in. I'm feeling cheated here....
OH! LOOK AT THE PRETTY IN ARMOR!!! GAH!!
(The Pretty in a fine layer of grime, wearing armor, and weilding a sword is my Kryptonite. Damn Ridley Scott.)
Oh!!! He's digging a well. WORK THAT SHOVEL, BITCH! WORK IT!
Here's the Princess. I know what she wants. Bitch. Wait! He's got his shirt off!! ::SPLURT!!:: I CAN SEE THE SCAR FROM HIS BACK SURGERY!! ::SUPERSPLURT:: ::SPLURTISIMO FORTE:: Pecs and biceps and triceps, oh my! SPANK ME, ELFBOY!!! SPANK ME! FORGET THE PRINCESS, SHE'S A TRAMP AND SHE LOOKS LIKE AN ANOREXIC 'PRECIOUS MOMENTS' KID!!
OH! SEX SCE... HEY! WHERE DID IT GO??? Damn.
OH! Fighting! HIT HIM AGAIN! BLOOD? YAY! ROLL HIM AROUND IN THE DIRT SOME MORE! IT ONLY INCREASES HIS HAWT FACTOR! I'LL GLADLY VOLUNTEER TO TONGUE BATHE HIM CLEAN!!!
Damn. Who bathed him? Who? Cause it sure wasn't me! Bitches.
FIGHTING! YAY! Damn. He gets knocked out more than Scully did during first season X-Files.
FIGHTING! YAY! Oh! Siege! He's all... commanding and stuff. Oh. I have a thing for commanding men... ::SQUISH::
HE JUST SNARKED THE BISHOP OF JERUSALEM! I LUFF HIM!!! SPANK ME, ELFBOY! 3 ORIFACES, NO WAITING!!!!!
::sigh:: I so need a kiddie pool full of sugar-free lime Jello (tm), 3 ferrets, a leaf blower, and a case of Extra-Thick Reddi-Whip to roll him around in.
Oh! It's over.
Ow. My uterus hurts. I wonder why?