EEEEVVVVIIIIIILLLLL!!!
I have looked evil in the face tonight. By evil I mean not just itty bitty George W. Bush running the free world evil. Not Sluggy Freelance Satan's kittens evil, but BIG HUGE HONKING EVIL that turns your bowels to water and makes you unable to breathe from sheer fear.
This evil has a name. The Star Wars Holiday Special, made in 1978. Telaryn got a copy of this evilness from laughingimp, cursed be their names.
Do you remember this special? I know I must have watched it as a child. I would have been 12 or so then, so I know I would have watched it, but I have no memory at all of this special. This is a good thing, actually. I must have erased it from my brain to save my poor developing persona from being warped. Heh. Riiiiiight.
This two hour monstrosity begins on the Wookie homeworld and just goes straight to Hell. We meet Chewie's family. His lovely wife Malla, his father Itchy, and his son Lumpy. Yes, Itchy and Lumpy. Shave all the hair off of Itchy and you have Fraiser's father, complete with cane and ugly recliner. Lumpy looks like a spastic, incontinent Pekinese with an attention disorder. And for the first 20 minutes they just talk in Wookie. No subtitles. They just run around and rumble and growl at each other and you're trying to read the body language of people in 300 lbs of fur, and in Malla's case an apron.
Cut in some intergalactic fight footage from the movie, switch to Han Solo and Chewie sitting in a cockpit that looks vaguely like... cardboard? And they're bouncing around. The set isn't moving, THEY are. And it's SO obvious because when they bounce the whole set shudders. Such high, high production values.
Anyways... Chewie is trying to get home to his family for "Life Day" which appears to be a Wookie tradition of celebrating bad television and possibly anal sex and/or Man/Wookie Ho-yay.
There was so much Ho-yay in this movie it fucking HURT.
Exhibit one. When Chewie doesn't show up on time, his family starts calling people. First they call Luke Skywalker, who is in his shop with R2D2 working on what appears to be a gigantic intergalactic butt-plug. Luke himself was wearing so much makeup and eyeliner that he set off my Gaydar more than Nick Rhodes AND Boy George in full on Culture Club gear.
Exhibit A for Ho-Yay:
Exhibit B:
Enter Art Carney, God rest him and I hope the heavenly choir chose to overlook this role as a devious double agent trader who sucks up to the Empire but secretly works for the Alliance. Secretly at least until Malla calls Princess Leia and C3PO and Art blabs how he does just that.
Carrie Fisher is so obviously polluted. She staggers across the room and her eyes are literally pointed in two different directions during this entire scene. There was much hilarity when she spoke so slowly it looked as though she were going to pass out mid word. We were cheering her on to spit out her lines...
Also, Wookie pastimes. Itchy gives Lumpy something to watch, a bunch of spandex clad male acrobats leaping around in minature on their chessboard, holograms of a futuristic Village People crossed with Cirque SoGay.
Exhibit C:
Itchy goes off and watches what can only be described as "Wookie Porn" in some kind of machine that looks like a hair dryer gone wrong. It shows Dianne Carol with some kind of pink growth on her head in a self contained acid trip. She breathily declares "I am your pleasure" and Itchy writhes and bucks in the chair and moans and hoots in what can only be a major Wookie orgasm spasms. I hope they cleaned that chair.
Exhibit D:
Now we have stormtroopers and an Imperial Officer played by a block of wood pretending to be a man (Must be Anakin's acting coach for AotC) show up to search the house for any indication of rebel activity. The wookies distract one of the officer (who resembles Dark Helmet from Spaceballs so much it hurts) by turning on some machine that shows a performance by Jefferson Starship. This is when they were sans Grace Slick, so needless to say they sucked anyway, but the truly disturing Ho-yay was the fact that they did ... something... I don't know what... to the lead singers microphone. I think they were going for a lightsaber look, but I've not seen a hot pink lightsaber of only 8 inches in length and 2 inches in girth being held up to someone's mouth like that before. The picture speaks for itself...
Exhibit whatthefuckever:
At this point we had to turn off the movie for a short break. With all the Ho-yay going on, I swore on my mother's grave that if I saw a gerbil in this movie, I was driving up north to kick laughingimp's ass. I knew it was a safe threat. How could anyone put gerbils in Star Wars, I said. There are no gerbils in Star Wars, and no Richard Gere either. While all was not RIGHT with the world because this show exists, there was still hope for redemption. Or something.
Then we turned on the movie and got drawn in again. Lumpy goes to watch a "rebel" cartoon with Luke and Leia and Han and his daddy and Boba Fett. I'm not quite sure what the moral of the story was, but I was mightily skeeved by the fact that Luke had no pupils. Obviously he had gone blind from using that galactic sized butt-plug he was working on in the first pictures.
Exhibit whatthefuckever2:
Then Lumpy puts together his Lifeday present which is a transmitter with a instructional video done by Harvey Korman. He has several roles in the show, from an earlier role as a Drag Queen alien Julia Child who takes a "Loin" of Bantha, but suggests using a "Rump" for big crowds and "smacks" it. Then he takes a whisk out and "Whips" it and Stirs it and gyrates his hips against the pot while another two arms come out from behind him to "beat" the "loin" some more, all the while moaning "whip and beat and whip and beat. Oh, That's GOOD stuff!". The mere thought that there was someone standing behind him while he did all that gyrations set my Ho-yay detectors on HIGH. Now you see why I was talking about the gerbil?
Then he plays android that has film edited stuff over and over, including one scene where he grabbed his ass and pushed his leg forward and spasmed back and forth, back and forth, while making multiple cunnilingus like tongue motions. Ho. Yay. Beyond. Ho. Yay.
Then we have a switch to an Imperial broadcast from Tatooie so that everyone glad they don't live there. As Telaryn said, it's the Jerry Springer Show of the Empire. It makes you feel SO much better knowing you're not that stupid. So we have a show from the cantina from the movie. All the costumes are there, and so is the band. And so is Bea Arthur???? And Harvey Korman again, this time wearing something on his head that looks like a hair covered hemmeroid ring. And this is all a set up for Bea to sing a song about friends. Joy. Another musical number. Damn, why doesn't peacockharpy have any sporks in the house???
And this is where the wrongness severely hit. Because she's singing and walking around and singing to the various alien lifeforms. She sings to one that looks like Satan ( a sure sign of the true intent of this movie), and to one of the Greedo guys, and one of the band guys. And then she slides up to and sits next to and sings with.... I shit you not... a giant gerbil. A fucking giant gerbil. A GERBIL, I shit you not! I felt my jaw drop to my chin, my arm rise up, my finger point and a shriek erupted from my lungs as I saw this. The sound of my sanity escaping came from my lips as I screamed and frightened peacockharpy's Divine Miss M. I literally curled into a fetal position and started rocking back and forth, clawing my eyes, ripping out my hair. I tried to slit my wrists with a baby catalog, but I was unable to give myself enough paper cuts. I sobbed and cried and the ABC's were so fucking supportive. They took pictures of me. Bitches. And then they took pictures of Columella taking drugs to get out of watching any more of this movie.
Oh, but we continued, precious. We continued.
Han and Chewie show up, Han wearing just as much, if not more, eyeliner than Luke, dispose of the stormtrooper off the front porch into the PIT OF DESPAIR below. Then the Wookies celebrated life day, which seemed to consist of taking snowglobes, traveling to some SEKRET place much like the people in Logan's Run turning 30, and then somehow arcanely summoning up all the other stars including Luke, Leia, Han and the droids.
And then Leia sings. I mean, sings. Badly. A hymn to the tune of the "Star Wars" theme. And she's completely polluted again, hanging on to Chewie to stay upright. And her hair is crooked and she's braless and her tits are hanging to her navel. And she's singing.
Did I mention she was singing??? Gods, another inspirational musical number.
Evil. Evil. EEEEEVIIILEEEE!!!
This evil has a name. The Star Wars Holiday Special, made in 1978. Telaryn got a copy of this evilness from laughingimp, cursed be their names.
Do you remember this special? I know I must have watched it as a child. I would have been 12 or so then, so I know I would have watched it, but I have no memory at all of this special. This is a good thing, actually. I must have erased it from my brain to save my poor developing persona from being warped. Heh. Riiiiiight.
This two hour monstrosity begins on the Wookie homeworld and just goes straight to Hell. We meet Chewie's family. His lovely wife Malla, his father Itchy, and his son Lumpy. Yes, Itchy and Lumpy. Shave all the hair off of Itchy and you have Fraiser's father, complete with cane and ugly recliner. Lumpy looks like a spastic, incontinent Pekinese with an attention disorder. And for the first 20 minutes they just talk in Wookie. No subtitles. They just run around and rumble and growl at each other and you're trying to read the body language of people in 300 lbs of fur, and in Malla's case an apron.
Cut in some intergalactic fight footage from the movie, switch to Han Solo and Chewie sitting in a cockpit that looks vaguely like... cardboard? And they're bouncing around. The set isn't moving, THEY are. And it's SO obvious because when they bounce the whole set shudders. Such high, high production values.
Anyways... Chewie is trying to get home to his family for "Life Day" which appears to be a Wookie tradition of celebrating bad television and possibly anal sex and/or Man/Wookie Ho-yay.
There was so much Ho-yay in this movie it fucking HURT.
Exhibit one. When Chewie doesn't show up on time, his family starts calling people. First they call Luke Skywalker, who is in his shop with R2D2 working on what appears to be a gigantic intergalactic butt-plug. Luke himself was wearing so much makeup and eyeliner that he set off my Gaydar more than Nick Rhodes AND Boy George in full on Culture Club gear.
Exhibit A for Ho-Yay:
Exhibit B:
Enter Art Carney, God rest him and I hope the heavenly choir chose to overlook this role as a devious double agent trader who sucks up to the Empire but secretly works for the Alliance. Secretly at least until Malla calls Princess Leia and C3PO and Art blabs how he does just that.
Carrie Fisher is so obviously polluted. She staggers across the room and her eyes are literally pointed in two different directions during this entire scene. There was much hilarity when she spoke so slowly it looked as though she were going to pass out mid word. We were cheering her on to spit out her lines...
Also, Wookie pastimes. Itchy gives Lumpy something to watch, a bunch of spandex clad male acrobats leaping around in minature on their chessboard, holograms of a futuristic Village People crossed with Cirque SoGay.
Exhibit C:
Itchy goes off and watches what can only be described as "Wookie Porn" in some kind of machine that looks like a hair dryer gone wrong. It shows Dianne Carol with some kind of pink growth on her head in a self contained acid trip. She breathily declares "I am your pleasure" and Itchy writhes and bucks in the chair and moans and hoots in what can only be a major Wookie orgasm spasms. I hope they cleaned that chair.
Exhibit D:
Now we have stormtroopers and an Imperial Officer played by a block of wood pretending to be a man (Must be Anakin's acting coach for AotC) show up to search the house for any indication of rebel activity. The wookies distract one of the officer (who resembles Dark Helmet from Spaceballs so much it hurts) by turning on some machine that shows a performance by Jefferson Starship. This is when they were sans Grace Slick, so needless to say they sucked anyway, but the truly disturing Ho-yay was the fact that they did ... something... I don't know what... to the lead singers microphone. I think they were going for a lightsaber look, but I've not seen a hot pink lightsaber of only 8 inches in length and 2 inches in girth being held up to someone's mouth like that before. The picture speaks for itself...
Exhibit whatthefuckever:
At this point we had to turn off the movie for a short break. With all the Ho-yay going on, I swore on my mother's grave that if I saw a gerbil in this movie, I was driving up north to kick laughingimp's ass. I knew it was a safe threat. How could anyone put gerbils in Star Wars, I said. There are no gerbils in Star Wars, and no Richard Gere either. While all was not RIGHT with the world because this show exists, there was still hope for redemption. Or something.
Then we turned on the movie and got drawn in again. Lumpy goes to watch a "rebel" cartoon with Luke and Leia and Han and his daddy and Boba Fett. I'm not quite sure what the moral of the story was, but I was mightily skeeved by the fact that Luke had no pupils. Obviously he had gone blind from using that galactic sized butt-plug he was working on in the first pictures.
Exhibit whatthefuckever2:
Then Lumpy puts together his Lifeday present which is a transmitter with a instructional video done by Harvey Korman. He has several roles in the show, from an earlier role as a Drag Queen alien Julia Child who takes a "Loin" of Bantha, but suggests using a "Rump" for big crowds and "smacks" it. Then he takes a whisk out and "Whips" it and Stirs it and gyrates his hips against the pot while another two arms come out from behind him to "beat" the "loin" some more, all the while moaning "whip and beat and whip and beat. Oh, That's GOOD stuff!". The mere thought that there was someone standing behind him while he did all that gyrations set my Ho-yay detectors on HIGH. Now you see why I was talking about the gerbil?
Then he plays android that has film edited stuff over and over, including one scene where he grabbed his ass and pushed his leg forward and spasmed back and forth, back and forth, while making multiple cunnilingus like tongue motions. Ho. Yay. Beyond. Ho. Yay.
Then we have a switch to an Imperial broadcast from Tatooie so that everyone glad they don't live there. As Telaryn said, it's the Jerry Springer Show of the Empire. It makes you feel SO much better knowing you're not that stupid. So we have a show from the cantina from the movie. All the costumes are there, and so is the band. And so is Bea Arthur???? And Harvey Korman again, this time wearing something on his head that looks like a hair covered hemmeroid ring. And this is all a set up for Bea to sing a song about friends. Joy. Another musical number. Damn, why doesn't peacockharpy have any sporks in the house???
And this is where the wrongness severely hit. Because she's singing and walking around and singing to the various alien lifeforms. She sings to one that looks like Satan ( a sure sign of the true intent of this movie), and to one of the Greedo guys, and one of the band guys. And then she slides up to and sits next to and sings with.... I shit you not... a giant gerbil. A fucking giant gerbil. A GERBIL, I shit you not! I felt my jaw drop to my chin, my arm rise up, my finger point and a shriek erupted from my lungs as I saw this. The sound of my sanity escaping came from my lips as I screamed and frightened peacockharpy's Divine Miss M. I literally curled into a fetal position and started rocking back and forth, clawing my eyes, ripping out my hair. I tried to slit my wrists with a baby catalog, but I was unable to give myself enough paper cuts. I sobbed and cried and the ABC's were so fucking supportive. They took pictures of me. Bitches. And then they took pictures of Columella taking drugs to get out of watching any more of this movie.
Oh, but we continued, precious. We continued.
Han and Chewie show up, Han wearing just as much, if not more, eyeliner than Luke, dispose of the stormtrooper off the front porch into the PIT OF DESPAIR below. Then the Wookies celebrated life day, which seemed to consist of taking snowglobes, traveling to some SEKRET place much like the people in Logan's Run turning 30, and then somehow arcanely summoning up all the other stars including Luke, Leia, Han and the droids.
And then Leia sings. I mean, sings. Badly. A hymn to the tune of the "Star Wars" theme. And she's completely polluted again, hanging on to Chewie to stay upright. And her hair is crooked and she's braless and her tits are hanging to her navel. And she's singing.
Did I mention she was singing??? Gods, another inspirational musical number.
Evil. Evil. EEEEEVIIILEEEE!!!