(no subject)
I'm thinking I'm going to start using this as a journal again. There's some stuff I would really rather not having all
of my friends aware of, given my current circumstances I cannot keep a physical version of a journal and sometimes it's soothing just to get the thoughts and gibberish out even if noone is going to read it.
I'm so terribly sick and tired of my anxiety, jealousy, of having a mind that jumps to shitty reactions- whether blowing up at someone or 'sounds like this is a perfect time to cut'- I'm just done with feelings. I've had worse, I've been crying and sobbing and quaking and just... but this all... and then with what's going on right now... add on that there's stuff going on with my friends and just... I can't stand how my brains acting. My thoughts are all muddled at times, or I'll be just fine, or what's worse is when I'm ok, just checking my mail and then the simplest thing triggers a flood.... a set of thoughts one after another.... that lead to my wanting, craving, needing to cut or worse yet back to romanticizing cutting enough to do serious damage... or better still when the sirenssong of suicide can be heard from the back of my mind. I highly doubt I would ever steer the ship that direction... there's too much at risk, but what lies at the other end seems so tempting so beautiful, and I wish I was brave enough to reach over. Maybe if I just veered there for a moment, to get a better look, I could be a little better off. I would have medical bills to hell and back, but maybe I could be all secure in a hospital overnight on suicide watch. Does that show on a background check? I'm sure it does, I would fuck up my life for having such a shitty brain and just wanting time to feel safe, maybe talk to a professional for the first time in 3years. Yeah. That sounds real good right now. Fuck, even my face softened up while I've been talking about it. I'd really like that. Maybe I could spend my fathersday in a psych ward. Or in the er getting dirty looks and stitches. It all sounds so lovely.
I'm actually a bit scared to get up now. I'd like to cut, but I'm scared of what I'll do. I'm having phantom aches in my left arm, I want that pain, that hurt. I've cut 3 of the last 4 days, why not kick it up a notch. But I dont want to hit a vein. jfklsdjf;lksjdflkaj I'm such a wimp.
Can I just go back to the simpler times of middle school where I dressed like a 300 lb man, was confused about my sexuality and my feelings for my friend, when the abuse wasn't all that tollerable... when cutting was more about feeling than a quick rush to get me through the next couple minutes and hating myself for doing it while simultaneously hating myself for not just going through it. I could try and fix things, be less of a fuck up, or if even if I had to just relive everything the same... that would be better. The days of knowing I had a roof over my head and though shitty a parent who loved me, siblings I could talk to, friends i could talk with, a best friend who cared.
Yeah. I think it's time to go cut. <3