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Item #01:
BRITS REVOKE USA INDEPENDENCE
A Message from John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America:
"In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save the Queen."
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are herby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one king of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation
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January:
1. Did you have a new year's resolution this year?
Yes. To learn how to cook.
2. Who kissed you at midnight?
My husband, of course!
3. Does it snow where you live?
Yes?
4. Do you like hot chocolate?
I absolutely do. But only when Dante makes it. He inherited that from my mother.
5.Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop?
.........ball drop? AHAHAHA
February:
1. Who was your Valentine in 2005?
T'would have been Sparda, had I been here.
2. When you were little, did you buy Valentine's for your whole class?
...um.
March:
1. Are you Irish?
I... I suppose it is possible, but I do doubt it.
2. Do you wear green on St. Patty's Day?
I wear green frequently these days!
3. What did you do for St. Patty's Day in 2005?
Still dead.
April:
1. Do you like the rain?
I do. I always have. I have always enjoyed walking in storms.
2. Did you play an April Fool's joke on anyone this year?
No, but I will?
3. Do you get tons of candy on Easter?
What in the world?
May:
1. What's your favorite kind of flower?
Lilacs. Of course!
2. Do you like the spring?
Not particularly. I am more of a Fall and Winter sort.
3. Finish the phrase: April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
BEES. HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE BEES. BUGS. BUT ESPECIALLY BEES.
4. What would you think of as a spring color?
Honestly? Pink!
June:
1. What year did you graduate from school?
I did not return to my more conventional studies after my admittance into the Church as a hunter apprentice at fourteen years old.
2. Did you go on a vacation in June?
No.
July:
1. What did you do on the 4th of July?
Fireworks! Wondrous fireworks, and then spending the night with my husband out and about in trees. The splinters were a bit of a bother, however, but we got those out of him soon enough.
2. Did you go on any vacations during this month?
No. Again.
August:
1. Did you do anything special to end the summer?
No...?
2. What was your favorite Summer Memory of 2005?
Overall, 'twas a sad summer.
3. Did you go swimming a lot this summer?
Until Vergil...
4. Did you go to the beach a lot?
No, unfortunately. Sparda owes me.
September:
1. Did you attend school/college in 2005?
No. I teach at one!
2. Who is/was your favorite teacher?
Of all time? My step-father, Thomas. And Father Braeden.
3. Do you like Fall better than Summer?
Most definitely!
October:
1. What was your favorite halloween costume of yours ever?
Oh, heavens... No Halloween, but as far as costume parties go? Ahaha, the cow costume was an awful lot of fun, but the French Maid was better. I'm sure Sparda conquers, although he seemed to enjoy taking it off more than seeing it on me. Until he got stuck in the knee-high straps. That was a bit awkward.
2. What is your favorite candy?
Lollipops!
3. What did you dress up like this year?
Well, I am sure this might disturb Dante, as he had no idea I even attended the school party, but I was there in the metal mask and cloak and armour... and yes, I bore witness to his little 'incident' as well.
November:
1. Who's house do you usually go to for Thanksgiving?
We did not celebrate this.
2. Do you like stuffing?
Should I not?
3. What are you thankful for?
The return of my eldest; both of my baby boys; my precious husband; the opportunity to have this all again; the child-to-be within me.
December:
1. Do you celebrate Christmas?
Of course!
2. Have you ever been kissed under mistletoe?
I have! Not always welcome, that, until Sparda came along. The precious bugger.
3. What do you want this year for Christmas?
Well, this last Christmas... well, hee, Sparda knows. And beyond that, my family is more than enough.
4. What's the best present you ever got for Christmas?
Although they came two months earlier, my sons.
5. Do you like cold weather?
'tis the best weather!! My sons and husband disagree, but I function the best in the cold.
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Your Life Path Number is 1
Your purpose in life is to lead others.
You have great drive and determination. Nothing is going to stand in your way.
You seek out challenges and the spotlight. You'll take all the work - and all the glory.
Status and success are important to you. You demand the best from everyone and everything.
In love, you tend to take a protective role. You enjoy being the provider in relationships.
You expect others to be like you, and as a result, you are often disappointed.
A little selfish and vain, you always put yourself first.
Remember, everyone already knows you're great - you don't need to remind them!
What Is Your Life Path Number?
I DO NOT.
=============================
My life is rated NC-17!
Your life is rated NC-17!
What is your life rated? (MPAA Scale)
Take Other Caffeine Nebula Quizzes
AHAHAHAHA
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Basic
Name?: Eva
Birthday?: Oh, I don't think I should share.
Age?: 34 is the best answer, loves.
Hair color?: Blonde.
Eye color?: Blue.
How tall are you?: Um... I believe in this system... 5'9".
Where do you live?: This is under the assumption that I am conscious enough mentally to care.
Do you go to school?: I teach!
If so what one?: Fractura Uni
Love life
Single?: Nope!
If so do you wish you werent?: At times, I wish I was!
If you could go out with one person, anyone in the world, who would it be?: There is this one teacher at the university...
What was the name of your first boyfriend/ girlfriend?: Um. I was courted by William Hampton for some time, but 'twas when I was twelve, and fortunately, because I did not fancy him much, Thomas did not force it.
How old were you when you got your first kiss?: My first true kiss? Twenty.
Do you want to get married one day?: I would love to have a ceremony this time, as opposed to swearing in darkness.
Want to have kids?: What a silly, young-person's quiz! I have two, absolutely perfect sons, and a child within, thank you very much.
Music
Whats your all time favorite kind of music?: I am getting quite fond of this 'techno' music!
Who is your all time favorite music artist?: Mmm, a very obscure artist that I shant name, from long ago.
Are you listening to any music right now?: I am listening to Sparda complain. Which he has no room to do, the bumhole.
If so, what is it?: How about what Sparda is bitching about? I did not sabotage your bloody shoes. Old fool.
Do you secretly want to be in a band?: No.
Do you think MTV sucks?: Yes. It is so gross.
What do you think of Avril Lavigne?: How did she become so popular with that Godawful rock-quacking.
Random questions from the top of my head Who are you?
Do you have a cell phone?: Sparda broke mine.
Whats the last movie you saw?: Something with a lot of sex.
Isn't the movie ELF halarious?: Yes!
What are you wearing right now?: Nothing. Well, a towel, but otherwise, nothing.
What does your hair look like?: Very long, sort of curled at the moment... I believe I am going to get it cut, however. Sparda, love, what do you think?
What are 3 things your afraid of?: Bees! Bees, Muslims and those strange African fellows.
Whats a cd you could listen to 743 times in a row?: One on which Sparda screaming like a little girl when he found Pengy in the shower this morning is recorded.
Have you ever dated someone online?: Nope!
Do you enjoy talking on the phone?: If it involves speaking, then I enjoy doing it!
Have you ever sat on a roof?: All the time. Stargazing is a fancy of mine.
Who was the last person you saw?: Sparda.
Do you think one of your friends mom/ dad is hot?: No!!! Ew.
Are you talking to someone right now?: I have blocked Sparda from my mind, but am trying to reach Dante on the phone right now.
Do you like grapefruit?: I am allergic to grapefruit.
Did you cry at the movie 'A walk to remember'?: No.
Do you love someone?: Of course, and with all my heart and soul. They know this, too.
Do you like coffee?: I prefer tea.
Are you happy this survey is over?: No, because now I have to pay attention to Sparda's bitching.