Another Angel Falls (001. Freefall, Eeteuk/Kangin)
Title: Another Angel Falls (001. Freefall)
Author: CrimsonTenshi
Rating: PG? (Probably more like G)
Genre: Mostly Fluff, Slight Angst?
Length: One shot
Pairing: Eeteuk/ Kangin
Warning: Newbie Author O.O Yes, Be afraid...I know I am.
Disclaimer: I wish that I owned them all.....but I don't.
~x~
Dreams are just figments of our subconscious mind. Everyone knows and understands this. But does having that knowledge actually ever help you when you’re experiencing a nightmare? In my experience it never has and I’m pretty sure it never will. It’s true that even the worst dreams will have to end eventually. And usually unless you are some sort of sleepwalking person or something alike to this, which I certainly am not, you will arise the next morning bearly worse for wear and with little or no damage done to yourself or anyone else for that matter.
But this recurring dream I have been having recently is really starting to get to me. Knowing full well that this same scenario will inevitably be played out every night before my dream closed eyes is beginning to put me off sleep all together. On a couple of nights now I have sat huddled on my bed tired but unwilling and too afraid to succumb to sleep, trying to figure out how I can make this dream stop haunting my mind.
I suppose this is what I had coming for calling myself an angel without wings isn’t it? This dream is so vivid that I remember it as clearly as I do any other memory I would have during the day. I can wake up and still feel as though I am falling. I can remember each and every one of my emotions through the whole thing. Its as though its really happening to me, and it just keeps repeating itself so I can live it over and over again.
At first I picture myself in the most beautiful scene you can imagine. Huge outstretched, perfectly white feathery wings carry me over a vast ocean, gliding me lightly just above the surface of the sparkling water before catching a warm breeze that passes by and following it upwards, spiralling me up higher and higher into the sky. I feel unbelievably tranquil and at peace as I come to hover just below a few whisping white clouds and look out over a gorgeous sunset. It beams a mixture of reds, oranges, purples and blues, all bleeding into each other as the sun descends lower. Each individual colour bouncing off of the sea and painting a mirrored shimmering reflection upon it.
I reach out my arms and close my eyes. I feel a smile forming on my lips and I take a deep breath as if trying to capture and preserve every detail of this paradise I am in. This, unfortunately, is when everything takes a turn in the worst possible way. While taking in my deep breath I find it catching in my throat. Pain envelops me and instead of feeling calm and whole, as I should be, I feel empty and sense a deep void within me. I feel a part of me is missing, as though a part of me has been ripped out and I have been left with a gaping hole in its place. I feel like there’s a fire burning through me. Burning a hole in my heart and then spreading throughout my entire body, incinerating me. I clutch onto my chest trying desperately to even out my breathing, but all I do is panic, my eyes close tightly and tears start to stream out of my eyes.
I feel another wave of intense pain wrack my body, running down my back and alone my spine, creeping slowly across my beating wings and forcing them to fold inwards. My lungs swell to take in a small amount of much need oxygen before I find myself pushing it back out again, screaming until my voice gives out. I open my eyes somewhere in the middle of my scream of agony. My vision is blurry but I can still make out the embers and flames that have started burning away my wings. I know that soon I will be falling to my death and there is no chance now that I can be saved.
I pray to god or anyone that could possibly hear me that I will pass out before I hit the ocean and come to my painful end. I start to plummet towards the simmering blue that was once beautiful and inviting but now seems cold and uncaring, it’s only want to swallow me whole and make me disappear from the world. And part of me starts to believe that’s the way it should be and no one would really care if I were actually gone. I keep falling and falling, time seeming to stretch forever and my fear never wavering, constantly waiting for the end and just ever so slightly wishing it would hurry up and just end already.
This is when I jolt up in my bed, breathing heavily with the new found oxygen of this reality and often shouting or screaming incoherent words. Tonight is just another one of those nights once again. Clearly, whilst trying to stay up and trying to keep awake I had been thinking about the dream and then dozed off and experienced the dream yet again. I place my head in both of my hands, feeling completely defeated, sick and bored to tears of all of this.
"Hyung?" My head jolts up and my eyes search in the darkness for the location of his voice. I already knew with all the time I had lived with him and shared a dorm room with him that this was Kangin’s voice, but still part of me believed I could just be imagining it. Sure enough, as my eyes quickly adjusted to the blackness, I find my dongseng and best friend perched on the end of his own bed just a few feet away from my own. His wide dilated eyes are straining and trying to search my face. He had probably heard me and was now worried. This was not the first time he had caught me like this either.
"Hyung…What’s wrong? Are you ok?" He Asked. I felt so awkward and embarrassed by that question, and I was pretty sure that if I weren’t hidden by the darkness he would be able to see my cheeks burning a nice shade of pink by now. I didn’t want to bother Kangin with my problems and so I gave the same answer as the last time, hoping I could cut his worrying short.
Taking a deep breath I put on a smile, hoping he would be able to hear it in my voice and would therefore believe I was telling the truth. "I’m fine Kangin-ah…just another crazy squealing fan girl attacks dream, please… go back to sleep." I tried to laugh a little but my voice was horse and came out sounding fake, even to my own ears.
Kangin stood suddenly, shaking his head as he paced the few feet over to my bed and sat down next to me. He didn’t touch me at all but I swear I could feel the warmth radiating off of him and my heart skipped a beat at his actions. He hung his head a little and sighed before speaking again. "Ok, that’s it. Teukie-hyung I’ve let you tell me the same lie three nights in a row now, but seriously…I can not take it anymore. You need to tell me what the hell is going on right now or you leave me with no other choice than to go tell management you keep staying up all night and whenever you do sleep wake up screaming your heart out."
He could have sounded frustrated to anyone else, but I knew he was scared for me. He was so deadly serious as his dark gaze turned up to meet my eyes. I could see how much he wanted to help me, to the point of giving up everything he had. Kangin could seem like someone who was never in touch with others feelings, but honestly he was really more caring and loyal than he looked. Seeing this I started to feel my defences crumble into a million tiny pieces. Before I even knew what I was doing I had thrown my arms around his broad shoulders and buried my face into the curve of his neck, sobbing and whispering the words "I’m sorry" over and over in between shaky breaths. I had let my guard down and now I was probably scaring him even more. How could I have dragged him into this?
I felt his body tense straight away and a few long seconds later, Kangin hadn’t moved. He was frozen exactly where he was. I was just about ready to bolt from the room and prepare myself to apologise profusely and deny everything I could to him tomorrow, when to my surprise he moved. He relaxed and possessively threw his own arms around my waist, pulling me as close to him as possible and if anything just making sob louder. The feeling that hit me was that I finally had someone to share my fears with, someone who cared, and letting my feelings flood out of me. One of his hands traced a couple of circular patterns on my back before moving up and brushing his fingers gently through my hair.
"Shhh..Shhh…it’s ok…there is nothing to be sorry about hyung…just…please…tell me what is wrong. I-I have been so worried about you these past couple of weeks. Please…just let me help you…please. Kangin’s usual confident tone of voice had become soft and pleading. I slowly pulled my face away from his neck to look into his eyes. Never loosening my hold around his shoulders. His eyes looked slightly glassy as if Kangin, as strong as he was, could break down into tears just as I myself had done.
"I…I…have been having this terrible n-nightmare, I-it feels so real, I-its like I’m dying…k-kangin-ah I..i can’t make it stop." I felt like a child again, scared of silly things like ghosts and stuttering my words out of fear over something that’s pure fantasy. Kangin’s hand moved from brushing my hair down to my face and cupped my cheek moving his thumb to wipe away my tears. He gave me the tiniest smile, showing me that he was in no way judging me, only trying and calm me and reassure me that everything was now ok. "Tell me everything. I’m no dream expert but don’t recurring dreams like these often happen when something that’s going on in your everyday life is bothering you? Maybe it’s something you don’t even realise. Teukie-hyung…We can work it out together." His hand moving once again to pry one of my arms from around his shoulder so he could take my hand in his own, squeezing it lightly.
I gave in. Leaning into Kangin’s warm body and calming touches I told him everything. He sat patiently the whole time, not saying a word as he listened carefully to everything I told him. Sometimes through out the story I found it hard to continue a sentence. Feeling parts of the story hit me like a painful flashback into my past, but Kangin never once pressurised me into carrying on. He just waited, while stroking my hand. It must have taken me at least 15 minutes to get the whole thing out, but as soon as I had told him everything I had instantly started to feel better.
Kangin mused to himself out loud "So in this dream you’re an angel who has fallen from the heavens down to earth. Teukie the angel without wings, sounds about right to me". I smiled at this. Trust Kangin to find the happy or cute side to everything, whether the subject mood be happy or as in my case scary. Kangin’s face then morphed into one of contemplation, trying to work out my rather strange puzzle. "But you felt as though a part of you was missing?".
"Yea, I was in so much pain and falling. I was alone and-"
Kangin’s eyes became wide and he becomes almost excited by something. I picture a light bulb turning on above his head. "Alone! That’s it! That word is exactly what all this is about! Teukie-hyung..in your dream you’re alone and this is the thing that’s missing for you. You’re alone when you fall, there’s no one there to save you or to catch you, no one to break your fall." He searches my eyes again his face slightly smug in some sort of victory, waiting for me to rejoice and understand his point of view fully. Instead I stare at him disbelivingly.
"Uhhh…I don’t know Kangin-ah. I don’t really think I feel alone, sure I can get a bit lonely sometimes but if you think about-"
"If things were to go really wrong in your life who would you turn to for help?" Kangin asks blankly. Cutting me off for the second time.
"…Well…there’s not really a particular person exactly."
"Yes, just as I thought, you would keep it all inside and try to cope with it all yourself until it slowly kills you, wouldn’t you? Just like you’ve done with this dream stuff. You feel like you have no one to turn to don’t you?"
Its not really a question, and that’s really a good thing, as I am feeling rather lost for words anyway. I want so much to tell him he’s wrong, but truthfully in my heart I know that he’s right. I always believe I would be annoying or inconveniencing other people with my worries and so I keep them to myself until I feel like they are burning a hole in me…just like the fire in my dreams had done. I really hated to admit it, but maybe Kangin knew me better than I did, and maybe he was right about the meaning behind my nightmare all along. Of course, I couldn’t admit that he might be right so I opted for staying silent and busied myself on looking down at the bed sheet pooling around me. I brought both of my hands to my lap and started tracing the lines of flowers printed on the cover.
Kangin gave up on waiting for an answer that he knew was never going to come in the first place and traced the hand that was once on my hand up to my chest. Placing it flat palmed directly over my heart he gently applied pressure, pushing me slowly to lie on my back. I felt his other arm shift upwards to support my head and watched him follow me down until we were both laying next to each other under the covers in my bed with his arms surrounding me loosely. At first I had felt a little confused, wondering what he could possibly be up to, but I still trusted him completely. Once laying in his arms I felt content and moved around onto my side slightly to get more comfortable, throwing one arm over his waist and moving my head a little to slide onto his chest. Now being able to hear his heart beating clearly.
I looked up into his beautiful brown eyes and saw him smiling down at me. He looked almost embarrassed about something, although it couldn’t have been about the position we were in. The band members had had to share beds many a time now and I found myself paired with Kangin on so many occasions.
"Hyung…I know this is going to sound corny but please try and take it in and accept it because it’s the truth." I nodded slightly in reply letting him know that I would not make a sound and willing him to continue silently.
"You are stupid to think that you are all alone because your not, and you are even more stupid not to come to me when you have a problem because…because…you should know I would always catch you if you fell. There I said it and so help me god if you are going to mock me please kill me now because it’s hard for me to do this and I don’t think I could take it."
Kangin had said the last part without taking a single breath, the words blending together into one long jumbled drawn out sound. And this alone made me want to laugh, but I held it in, knowing that even through its silliness the sentiment held behind it was actually incredibly sweet. I smiled at him brightly, probably showing my world wide known, trademark dimples, trying to express my genuine thanks to my dongseng and greatest friend.
Kangin seemed happy with my reaction. "Now no more being afraid, please go to sleep Teukie-hyung. Don’t worry, I will be here right next to you and I promise I will not let you fall." I nodded lightly once again but still closing my eyes I had my doubts. How could anyone possibly promise to protect you in a world they could not control? I supposed at least if I started falling again hopefully I would move or talk in my sleep and Kangin would wake me up somewhere in the middle of my dream, preventing me from going through too much pain and despair.
A mixture of my sleep depravation and the relaxing sounds of Kangin’s steady breathing cause me to fall asleep in no more than a couple of minutes. I find myself drifting across my dream paradise once again, wings beating softly, carrying me as high as ever. Somewhere in the back of my mind a small screaming internal voice worries that everything is playing out in exactly the same way yet again. I guessed that mine and Kangin’s attempt to rid me of this horrible dream had failed miserably.
It all plays out the same and I mentally brace myself for the pain, stunned when it never came. My wings still seemed to be vanishing away before my eyes, which of course was still frightening, but I felt no burning sensation and I could see clearly now that there were definitely no embers or flames anywhere on me. Still my hope disappeared when even with the lack of flames and agony I still found myself falling, still helpless to do anything to save myself. I was not alone. Kangin had told me so and he promised I would not fall again, but here I am falling. This would be about the time when I either hit the water or wake up screaming, but neither seems to be happening. I’m still falling but as far as I can see either time is running in slow motion or I’m slowing down. I chance a look below me, afraid of what I might see and see Kangin standing on a small island a small way below, arms outstretched towards me. Its like he’s using some kind of power to slow and control my movements. Directing me carefully until I float gracefully into his arms.
"Kangin" I breathe out to my saviour. I didn’t know what to say, but I felt so taken aback and I couldn’t ignore the tingling feeling that bubbled inside my stomach just at looking at him. He looked so beautiful and ethereal. He looked like he was the real angel without wings. Kangin looked over me in his arms before his eyes settled on my face once more, checking me for any sign of injury although there was not a single scratch on me.
One of Kangin’s hands cupped my cheek, just like Kangin had done when I was crying and he looked directly into my eyes. His gaze making me feel warm all over. "See hyung. I could never let you fall. I love you too damn much to loose you like that." My breath caught in my throat coming out as a small gasp. Love. I never really thought of him like this did I? Kangin was just my friend, but then if he was just my friend then why could I feel myself blushing and leaning into him a little more. Kangin used the momentum I caused and pulled me closer still taking my lips with his own soft ones. The kiss was gentle but intense and I sighed into the kiss, throwing my arms around his shoulders once more. I shouldn’t have enjoyed it, but I couldn’t bring myself to deny that I really and truly did.
This is how I woke up in the morning. Sighing softly with a smile on face opening my eyes and coming face to face with Kangin, who was already awake and watching me silently. ‘Oh god, I hadn’t said something in my sleep had I?’
"Good morning Teukie. I’m guessing you had sweet dreams." I pulled away from his embrace a little hoping he wouldn’t be able to feel that my heartbeat had just sped up by god only knows how much.
"W-what would make you think that?" I gulped and then berated myself afterwards. Obvious much?
"Well no screaming, no waking up in tears. You were smiling… I thought these were good signs."
‘Oh thank the lord’ I thought to myself. I could read Kangin pretty well and I knew by his answer that he knew nothing of my little dream make out session. I finally exhaled the breath I hadn’t realised till now I had nervously trapped in my chest and laughed lightly.
"Yeah everything was ok. I still fell for a little bit, but…ummm…you caught me. And well…thank you so much for helping me."
"Really? I saved you? And don’t mention it hyung, anything you need in the future just let me know. Oooohhh you know breakfast would be so good right now. Hyung please come make some with me."
Kangin took my hand pulling me gently to follow him and I smiled gladly complying, following him out to the kitchen. So I hadn’t told Kangin about my new little problem as of yet, but if that was the new turn my recurring dream was going to take I had absolutely no problem in re-living that one every night. I can hardly wait to fall all over again, as long as I ended up in his arms.
~x~
(Ahhhhh...Ok, ok I did it and now if you will excuse me I am going to run and hide. Before I do that though, apologies, I know this fic is really long and is probably really rubbish, but this my first attempt at a fanfiction so I tried my best..ummm...comments would be great, i'm kind of nervous about this so please, if possible, be kind to me *blushes*...ok....*runs*)
Author: CrimsonTenshi
Rating: PG? (Probably more like G)
Genre: Mostly Fluff, Slight Angst?
Length: One shot
Pairing: Eeteuk/ Kangin
Warning: Newbie Author O.O Yes, Be afraid...I know I am.
Disclaimer: I wish that I owned them all.....but I don't.
~x~
Dreams are just figments of our subconscious mind. Everyone knows and understands this. But does having that knowledge actually ever help you when you’re experiencing a nightmare? In my experience it never has and I’m pretty sure it never will. It’s true that even the worst dreams will have to end eventually. And usually unless you are some sort of sleepwalking person or something alike to this, which I certainly am not, you will arise the next morning bearly worse for wear and with little or no damage done to yourself or anyone else for that matter.
But this recurring dream I have been having recently is really starting to get to me. Knowing full well that this same scenario will inevitably be played out every night before my dream closed eyes is beginning to put me off sleep all together. On a couple of nights now I have sat huddled on my bed tired but unwilling and too afraid to succumb to sleep, trying to figure out how I can make this dream stop haunting my mind.
I suppose this is what I had coming for calling myself an angel without wings isn’t it? This dream is so vivid that I remember it as clearly as I do any other memory I would have during the day. I can wake up and still feel as though I am falling. I can remember each and every one of my emotions through the whole thing. Its as though its really happening to me, and it just keeps repeating itself so I can live it over and over again.
At first I picture myself in the most beautiful scene you can imagine. Huge outstretched, perfectly white feathery wings carry me over a vast ocean, gliding me lightly just above the surface of the sparkling water before catching a warm breeze that passes by and following it upwards, spiralling me up higher and higher into the sky. I feel unbelievably tranquil and at peace as I come to hover just below a few whisping white clouds and look out over a gorgeous sunset. It beams a mixture of reds, oranges, purples and blues, all bleeding into each other as the sun descends lower. Each individual colour bouncing off of the sea and painting a mirrored shimmering reflection upon it.
I reach out my arms and close my eyes. I feel a smile forming on my lips and I take a deep breath as if trying to capture and preserve every detail of this paradise I am in. This, unfortunately, is when everything takes a turn in the worst possible way. While taking in my deep breath I find it catching in my throat. Pain envelops me and instead of feeling calm and whole, as I should be, I feel empty and sense a deep void within me. I feel a part of me is missing, as though a part of me has been ripped out and I have been left with a gaping hole in its place. I feel like there’s a fire burning through me. Burning a hole in my heart and then spreading throughout my entire body, incinerating me. I clutch onto my chest trying desperately to even out my breathing, but all I do is panic, my eyes close tightly and tears start to stream out of my eyes.
I feel another wave of intense pain wrack my body, running down my back and alone my spine, creeping slowly across my beating wings and forcing them to fold inwards. My lungs swell to take in a small amount of much need oxygen before I find myself pushing it back out again, screaming until my voice gives out. I open my eyes somewhere in the middle of my scream of agony. My vision is blurry but I can still make out the embers and flames that have started burning away my wings. I know that soon I will be falling to my death and there is no chance now that I can be saved.
I pray to god or anyone that could possibly hear me that I will pass out before I hit the ocean and come to my painful end. I start to plummet towards the simmering blue that was once beautiful and inviting but now seems cold and uncaring, it’s only want to swallow me whole and make me disappear from the world. And part of me starts to believe that’s the way it should be and no one would really care if I were actually gone. I keep falling and falling, time seeming to stretch forever and my fear never wavering, constantly waiting for the end and just ever so slightly wishing it would hurry up and just end already.
This is when I jolt up in my bed, breathing heavily with the new found oxygen of this reality and often shouting or screaming incoherent words. Tonight is just another one of those nights once again. Clearly, whilst trying to stay up and trying to keep awake I had been thinking about the dream and then dozed off and experienced the dream yet again. I place my head in both of my hands, feeling completely defeated, sick and bored to tears of all of this.
"Hyung?" My head jolts up and my eyes search in the darkness for the location of his voice. I already knew with all the time I had lived with him and shared a dorm room with him that this was Kangin’s voice, but still part of me believed I could just be imagining it. Sure enough, as my eyes quickly adjusted to the blackness, I find my dongseng and best friend perched on the end of his own bed just a few feet away from my own. His wide dilated eyes are straining and trying to search my face. He had probably heard me and was now worried. This was not the first time he had caught me like this either.
"Hyung…What’s wrong? Are you ok?" He Asked. I felt so awkward and embarrassed by that question, and I was pretty sure that if I weren’t hidden by the darkness he would be able to see my cheeks burning a nice shade of pink by now. I didn’t want to bother Kangin with my problems and so I gave the same answer as the last time, hoping I could cut his worrying short.
Taking a deep breath I put on a smile, hoping he would be able to hear it in my voice and would therefore believe I was telling the truth. "I’m fine Kangin-ah…just another crazy squealing fan girl attacks dream, please… go back to sleep." I tried to laugh a little but my voice was horse and came out sounding fake, even to my own ears.
Kangin stood suddenly, shaking his head as he paced the few feet over to my bed and sat down next to me. He didn’t touch me at all but I swear I could feel the warmth radiating off of him and my heart skipped a beat at his actions. He hung his head a little and sighed before speaking again. "Ok, that’s it. Teukie-hyung I’ve let you tell me the same lie three nights in a row now, but seriously…I can not take it anymore. You need to tell me what the hell is going on right now or you leave me with no other choice than to go tell management you keep staying up all night and whenever you do sleep wake up screaming your heart out."
He could have sounded frustrated to anyone else, but I knew he was scared for me. He was so deadly serious as his dark gaze turned up to meet my eyes. I could see how much he wanted to help me, to the point of giving up everything he had. Kangin could seem like someone who was never in touch with others feelings, but honestly he was really more caring and loyal than he looked. Seeing this I started to feel my defences crumble into a million tiny pieces. Before I even knew what I was doing I had thrown my arms around his broad shoulders and buried my face into the curve of his neck, sobbing and whispering the words "I’m sorry" over and over in between shaky breaths. I had let my guard down and now I was probably scaring him even more. How could I have dragged him into this?
I felt his body tense straight away and a few long seconds later, Kangin hadn’t moved. He was frozen exactly where he was. I was just about ready to bolt from the room and prepare myself to apologise profusely and deny everything I could to him tomorrow, when to my surprise he moved. He relaxed and possessively threw his own arms around my waist, pulling me as close to him as possible and if anything just making sob louder. The feeling that hit me was that I finally had someone to share my fears with, someone who cared, and letting my feelings flood out of me. One of his hands traced a couple of circular patterns on my back before moving up and brushing his fingers gently through my hair.
"Shhh..Shhh…it’s ok…there is nothing to be sorry about hyung…just…please…tell me what is wrong. I-I have been so worried about you these past couple of weeks. Please…just let me help you…please. Kangin’s usual confident tone of voice had become soft and pleading. I slowly pulled my face away from his neck to look into his eyes. Never loosening my hold around his shoulders. His eyes looked slightly glassy as if Kangin, as strong as he was, could break down into tears just as I myself had done.
"I…I…have been having this terrible n-nightmare, I-it feels so real, I-its like I’m dying…k-kangin-ah I..i can’t make it stop." I felt like a child again, scared of silly things like ghosts and stuttering my words out of fear over something that’s pure fantasy. Kangin’s hand moved from brushing my hair down to my face and cupped my cheek moving his thumb to wipe away my tears. He gave me the tiniest smile, showing me that he was in no way judging me, only trying and calm me and reassure me that everything was now ok. "Tell me everything. I’m no dream expert but don’t recurring dreams like these often happen when something that’s going on in your everyday life is bothering you? Maybe it’s something you don’t even realise. Teukie-hyung…We can work it out together." His hand moving once again to pry one of my arms from around his shoulder so he could take my hand in his own, squeezing it lightly.
I gave in. Leaning into Kangin’s warm body and calming touches I told him everything. He sat patiently the whole time, not saying a word as he listened carefully to everything I told him. Sometimes through out the story I found it hard to continue a sentence. Feeling parts of the story hit me like a painful flashback into my past, but Kangin never once pressurised me into carrying on. He just waited, while stroking my hand. It must have taken me at least 15 minutes to get the whole thing out, but as soon as I had told him everything I had instantly started to feel better.
Kangin mused to himself out loud "So in this dream you’re an angel who has fallen from the heavens down to earth. Teukie the angel without wings, sounds about right to me". I smiled at this. Trust Kangin to find the happy or cute side to everything, whether the subject mood be happy or as in my case scary. Kangin’s face then morphed into one of contemplation, trying to work out my rather strange puzzle. "But you felt as though a part of you was missing?".
"Yea, I was in so much pain and falling. I was alone and-"
Kangin’s eyes became wide and he becomes almost excited by something. I picture a light bulb turning on above his head. "Alone! That’s it! That word is exactly what all this is about! Teukie-hyung..in your dream you’re alone and this is the thing that’s missing for you. You’re alone when you fall, there’s no one there to save you or to catch you, no one to break your fall." He searches my eyes again his face slightly smug in some sort of victory, waiting for me to rejoice and understand his point of view fully. Instead I stare at him disbelivingly.
"Uhhh…I don’t know Kangin-ah. I don’t really think I feel alone, sure I can get a bit lonely sometimes but if you think about-"
"If things were to go really wrong in your life who would you turn to for help?" Kangin asks blankly. Cutting me off for the second time.
"…Well…there’s not really a particular person exactly."
"Yes, just as I thought, you would keep it all inside and try to cope with it all yourself until it slowly kills you, wouldn’t you? Just like you’ve done with this dream stuff. You feel like you have no one to turn to don’t you?"
Its not really a question, and that’s really a good thing, as I am feeling rather lost for words anyway. I want so much to tell him he’s wrong, but truthfully in my heart I know that he’s right. I always believe I would be annoying or inconveniencing other people with my worries and so I keep them to myself until I feel like they are burning a hole in me…just like the fire in my dreams had done. I really hated to admit it, but maybe Kangin knew me better than I did, and maybe he was right about the meaning behind my nightmare all along. Of course, I couldn’t admit that he might be right so I opted for staying silent and busied myself on looking down at the bed sheet pooling around me. I brought both of my hands to my lap and started tracing the lines of flowers printed on the cover.
Kangin gave up on waiting for an answer that he knew was never going to come in the first place and traced the hand that was once on my hand up to my chest. Placing it flat palmed directly over my heart he gently applied pressure, pushing me slowly to lie on my back. I felt his other arm shift upwards to support my head and watched him follow me down until we were both laying next to each other under the covers in my bed with his arms surrounding me loosely. At first I had felt a little confused, wondering what he could possibly be up to, but I still trusted him completely. Once laying in his arms I felt content and moved around onto my side slightly to get more comfortable, throwing one arm over his waist and moving my head a little to slide onto his chest. Now being able to hear his heart beating clearly.
I looked up into his beautiful brown eyes and saw him smiling down at me. He looked almost embarrassed about something, although it couldn’t have been about the position we were in. The band members had had to share beds many a time now and I found myself paired with Kangin on so many occasions.
"Hyung…I know this is going to sound corny but please try and take it in and accept it because it’s the truth." I nodded slightly in reply letting him know that I would not make a sound and willing him to continue silently.
"You are stupid to think that you are all alone because your not, and you are even more stupid not to come to me when you have a problem because…because…you should know I would always catch you if you fell. There I said it and so help me god if you are going to mock me please kill me now because it’s hard for me to do this and I don’t think I could take it."
Kangin had said the last part without taking a single breath, the words blending together into one long jumbled drawn out sound. And this alone made me want to laugh, but I held it in, knowing that even through its silliness the sentiment held behind it was actually incredibly sweet. I smiled at him brightly, probably showing my world wide known, trademark dimples, trying to express my genuine thanks to my dongseng and greatest friend.
Kangin seemed happy with my reaction. "Now no more being afraid, please go to sleep Teukie-hyung. Don’t worry, I will be here right next to you and I promise I will not let you fall." I nodded lightly once again but still closing my eyes I had my doubts. How could anyone possibly promise to protect you in a world they could not control? I supposed at least if I started falling again hopefully I would move or talk in my sleep and Kangin would wake me up somewhere in the middle of my dream, preventing me from going through too much pain and despair.
A mixture of my sleep depravation and the relaxing sounds of Kangin’s steady breathing cause me to fall asleep in no more than a couple of minutes. I find myself drifting across my dream paradise once again, wings beating softly, carrying me as high as ever. Somewhere in the back of my mind a small screaming internal voice worries that everything is playing out in exactly the same way yet again. I guessed that mine and Kangin’s attempt to rid me of this horrible dream had failed miserably.
It all plays out the same and I mentally brace myself for the pain, stunned when it never came. My wings still seemed to be vanishing away before my eyes, which of course was still frightening, but I felt no burning sensation and I could see clearly now that there were definitely no embers or flames anywhere on me. Still my hope disappeared when even with the lack of flames and agony I still found myself falling, still helpless to do anything to save myself. I was not alone. Kangin had told me so and he promised I would not fall again, but here I am falling. This would be about the time when I either hit the water or wake up screaming, but neither seems to be happening. I’m still falling but as far as I can see either time is running in slow motion or I’m slowing down. I chance a look below me, afraid of what I might see and see Kangin standing on a small island a small way below, arms outstretched towards me. Its like he’s using some kind of power to slow and control my movements. Directing me carefully until I float gracefully into his arms.
"Kangin" I breathe out to my saviour. I didn’t know what to say, but I felt so taken aback and I couldn’t ignore the tingling feeling that bubbled inside my stomach just at looking at him. He looked so beautiful and ethereal. He looked like he was the real angel without wings. Kangin looked over me in his arms before his eyes settled on my face once more, checking me for any sign of injury although there was not a single scratch on me.
One of Kangin’s hands cupped my cheek, just like Kangin had done when I was crying and he looked directly into my eyes. His gaze making me feel warm all over. "See hyung. I could never let you fall. I love you too damn much to loose you like that." My breath caught in my throat coming out as a small gasp. Love. I never really thought of him like this did I? Kangin was just my friend, but then if he was just my friend then why could I feel myself blushing and leaning into him a little more. Kangin used the momentum I caused and pulled me closer still taking my lips with his own soft ones. The kiss was gentle but intense and I sighed into the kiss, throwing my arms around his shoulders once more. I shouldn’t have enjoyed it, but I couldn’t bring myself to deny that I really and truly did.
This is how I woke up in the morning. Sighing softly with a smile on face opening my eyes and coming face to face with Kangin, who was already awake and watching me silently. ‘Oh god, I hadn’t said something in my sleep had I?’
"Good morning Teukie. I’m guessing you had sweet dreams." I pulled away from his embrace a little hoping he wouldn’t be able to feel that my heartbeat had just sped up by god only knows how much.
"W-what would make you think that?" I gulped and then berated myself afterwards. Obvious much?
"Well no screaming, no waking up in tears. You were smiling… I thought these were good signs."
‘Oh thank the lord’ I thought to myself. I could read Kangin pretty well and I knew by his answer that he knew nothing of my little dream make out session. I finally exhaled the breath I hadn’t realised till now I had nervously trapped in my chest and laughed lightly.
"Yeah everything was ok. I still fell for a little bit, but…ummm…you caught me. And well…thank you so much for helping me."
"Really? I saved you? And don’t mention it hyung, anything you need in the future just let me know. Oooohhh you know breakfast would be so good right now. Hyung please come make some with me."
Kangin took my hand pulling me gently to follow him and I smiled gladly complying, following him out to the kitchen. So I hadn’t told Kangin about my new little problem as of yet, but if that was the new turn my recurring dream was going to take I had absolutely no problem in re-living that one every night. I can hardly wait to fall all over again, as long as I ended up in his arms.
~x~
(Ahhhhh...Ok, ok I did it and now if you will excuse me I am going to run and hide. Before I do that though, apologies, I know this fic is really long and is probably really rubbish, but this my first attempt at a fanfiction so I tried my best..ummm...comments would be great, i'm kind of nervous about this so please, if possible, be kind to me *blushes*...ok....*runs*)