(no subject)
no school for me today.
starbucks, amber, cigarettes, the L word, more important then school to me.
i'll go tomorrow...but i have no desire.
oh and Jeremy...when is our...so called..."date" thingy..lol
So, another emo, type, whiny bitchy post....
I'll start here:
I relize, being a female, automatically makes me weak, fragile, and sensitive. Its so stereotypical though. Males, strong, protectors, females, weak, sensitive, nurturing. Wrong. Automatically, I am weak, I am female, therefor I am sesitive, and weak. I think its because us females expect to much . Maybe not all but most, and when we do not recive what we expected, we get hurt, and upset.
I also relize, most fuck ups in past relationships were my fault. Being female, I of course, yerned to fall in love, and as soon as possible. I put myself into situations, where I would force myself, as if to brainwash myself, into believing I was in love.. I would force and push myself so hard, I'd relize, I was misrable, not only hurting the other person I was telling this to, but hurting myself aswell, pushing myself further into misery. Like most harmful situations, a human reaction is to remove them self from the situation, I would put it off, and pretend, since I happened to be so good at, eventually letting the other person tell me how I felt. A person can only take that for so long. After getting myself out of such many situations that seem to stem together and make a pattern in my relationships, I find myself getting into a compleatly meaningless one. After giving up on love, and everything else, I hop right into a relationship, a cold one at that, but I was content, I enjoyed the neglect, I just needed to have the resurance I could still hold and keep a boyfriend.
Love hits you when you leaste expect and want it. I had givin up. Hell I didn't even know what love was really. My veiws were compleatly ass backwards. So here I am, in this compleatly meaningless so called relationship with a boy, I've known for a long time, but knew nothing about. I get bored one night, the boyfriend at the time, of course was neglecting me, but I really didn't care, I go and I meet John for the first time. The moment I met him, was like, something out of a movie, I felt myself just, float away, like I was watching everything happen. Out of body type thing i supose you can say. I wanted to see him more. Not because he was atractive to me, but I saw deeper then the extirior. I found myself thinking about him, not getting him out of my mind. I didn't know what the feeling I had was, I never felt it befor. I felt, so comfortable to be myself around him, unlike anyone. I felt like, I really didn't have to impress him. When I was with him, everything wasn't important. He broke my heart, 2nd day I knew him, noone has EVER managed to do that. He won my heart over. I ended the meaningless relationship i was intagled in to be with him. 8 months later and I relize this love I'm in, is real. Love , have never been more complicated for me, I went searching relationship to relationship trying to force myself to love, and I couldn't it only brought pain to not only myself, but to others, and I'm truely sorry for that. Keeping a relationship working I noticed, is harder then it looks, I've sacrificed so much to keep him in my life. I respect him more then I have ever respected anyone in my entire life.
Love is difficult. So complicated. Not only is it the most intense and wonderful feeling ever, but its also, the most painful thing you can go through. People go their intire life never falling in love, maybe forcing themself to love somone, or losing the one they love. Oh I'm a teenager I don't know what love is right? Wrong. You can fall in love and meet that ONE person at any age. I think. I'm greatful to have John, and it hurts so much to think about losing him. I've lost him befor, and we've been through so many things, so many glitches, but right now, I think, things are working out. I just hope and pray, that he....feels the same way about me. I don't have any desire to be with anyone else.........
so call me emo and call me lame...but fuck you if you do.