Last Chance Idol Week 2: Incision

[crisp_sobriety]

“If he doesn’t get this surgery, he’ll die.”

He noted Dr. Jago’s raised voice. He’d never heard his mentor yell before. Strange that when it happened, it should be on his behalf.

Turning his head on the pillow, he gazed past his morphine drip and out the window. The elder’s reply sounded as if from a great distance:

“You should have sent him

Comments

[crisp_sobriety]

For some reason, literally the only thing I could think of after seeing this week's prompt was this. (link goes to somewhat gruesome picture, but I promise it's just makeup).

[n3m3sis43]

OMG. When I saw this week's prompt, literally all I could think of was crucifixion. For over a day. I could not figure out a way to make that work (wouldn't want to use it in a religious sense, don't like to write gore simply for the sake of core, touchy subject, etc). I had all these other ideas, but my head was this giant echo chamber of "WRITE ABOUT CRUCIFIXION." I didn't, though.

Your piece seems to have worked out much better than my first instinct would have. It was delightfully creepy and I love your way with words. You capture fear and dread in a way that I'm constantly trying for and failing at. ;)

I did get a little tangled with the male pronouns at first (like someone else said), but I worked it out.

One question (and I have been dumber than dirt this week due to work stress, so please forgive me). Okay, two questions. What was actually in him--was it just a tumor or something more? How did he survive without a heart all those years? I feel like I am missing really obvious things here - please feel free to point and

[crisp_sobriety]

Oh, no, you certainly aren't dumb! Other people have had the same questions. It's on me for not making it clearer. :)

I kinda wanted it left to the imagination what was inside him. I miscalculated there, I think.

As for his heart...I'm gonna be lazy and copy the explanation I gave someone else:

"I was thinking about how we tend to say 'heart' when really we mean 'soul,' or 'compassion,' or 'feeling.' She claimed that in him, and took it for herself, and so he became cold. Heartless. (that's why the colonists and his fellow students dislike him...they can sense something is wrong with him). Something IS missing, it's just not entirely physical.

(And that led, in my mind, to the growth...in a person without a soul, what dark thing might grow in its place?)"

So his physical heart is still there, pumping blood and stuff, it just doesn't belong to him anymore, if you see the connection I was making?

(Also, I may have been in mind of Howl's Moving Castle, and JK Rowling's Hairy Heart story, both of which have characters who are

[n3m3sis43]

Ohhhh, I totally get it now, and I really love the concept. I kind of thought that whatever grew inside him was either left in the place of what the Demoness took, or grew as a result of her taking it, but I wasn't sure. I didn't need to be sure to enjoy the piece, either. I like it a bit open-ended and you probably could have clarified it with, like, a few words in the right place. :)

And don't worry. People never understand what the hell is going on in my stories. Or else I try to add enough information to make it super clear and it's like, "DAMN, TOO MANY DETAILS. I'm bored." I can rarely find the right balance. And with a deadline? I'm shit with deadlines. In regular Idol, I was always finishing at the literal last minute (which is how I ended up here--the week before LCI started, my kid needed to go potty juuuuuust as I finished my piece and by the time we were done, it was too late to post).

[medleymisty]

Wonderful, but I expected that. :) Very good structure and timing and rhythm.

[crisp_sobriety]

Thank you!

[uncawes]

I'm liking the setting and the flashbacks, but I'm a little confused.
If this is related to other stories, are there links? I feel like I'm missing some background that would make everything clear

[crisp_sobriety]

Nope, no links, no other stories.

What's unclear to you? It'd be helpful for me to know. :)

[meridian_rose]

This is wonderfully creepy, with some great details, and good use of the flashbacks ;)

[crisp_sobriety]

Thanks!

[beeker121]

Defeat a demon with another demon, I wonder what was taken this time. And if your narrator could afford to give it up.

One bit of crit - I got a little tangled in the first section with all of the male pronouns, it took me a bit to figure out if it was Jago, the elder, or your narrator talking sometimes. Of course, I was intrigued enough by the story to put in the work, so there's that too.

[crisp_sobriety]

You know, I considered changing the elder to a woman for exactly that reason. I don't know why I didn't. Maybe I just ran out of time.

Thanks for reading and commenting!