As per our deal

[crispy47]

I made a deal with Robert to post some fiction today. Here are some bits from a story I've been working on. I wish I could post something more concrete, but I'm not even close to having a first draft finished, so what you get is a lot of sketches and stuff that won't be in the final draft. Actually, I start school again in a few days, so there may

Comments

[milkweeds00]

My favorite part

[crispy47]

I do plan to revise it, so thanks for the comments. I know I tend to overuse adverbs. I'd planned to go through and expunge them once I had the structure down a little more. As for incomprehensible, that was more of a note to myself to make it clear somehow that the actual words weren't audible. I guess inaudibly would have been better, but still an adverb.

I probably shouldn't have just posted a bunch of arbitrary sections like this. The story isn't nearly as sci-fi as this made it look, and a lot of stuff looks totally different out of context. Like that line “Hmm. Yes, that’s really interesting.” that you pointed out-in the story, it's actually supposed to show that the character who says it hasn't been paying attention at all and really just wants a cigarette.

Good catch on absorbed, btw. I'd have read it the same way. I was hoping other people wouldn't, but oh well. It's not like it's such a great word anyway

[milkweeds00]

Ah, logorrhea. That's what we suffer from

[crispy47]

I'll tell you what this story is about when you explain the Fried Eggs story to me, punkass!

[milkweeds00]

I agree with Natalie's comments about the kitten sequence. I also wasn't clear he was going to kill it at the end, and think the scene might work better if the kids were just poking the dying kitten with a stick instead of mutilating it.

I'd probably do this again too, though I'd prefer posting complete stories instead of chapters and scenes from stories. It's definitely harder to provide and receive feedback on something that isn't complete. That's my two cents.