Get out of here, you serious? I love to read.
Not sure if you've noticed, guys, but of late I have been rather obsessed with a certain show that rips Shakespeare off in its title. And, as you well know, when I become obsessed with something, I like to picspam it. Ergo, I am starting up a
because frankly, I'm on half-term holiday and I'd rather do this than plan lessons about Indian independence.
Given the poll results from this earlier post, I'll do this spamming character by character, and tbh they're all too pretty to be stuck in posts with other characters. Although, stupidly, this will take me a lot longer.
Today we're starting the whole thing off with these chaps:
Webster & Liebgott
I know I'm meant to be doing this character by character, but quite frankly these boys are two peas in a pod.
Or, at the very least, all their best scenes are shared.
I decided to start with them because:
a) Webster is unbearably pretty, and thus will act to lure potential converts to the BoB cause;
b) their caps are the least spoilery of the lot, as I know some of you are still working your way through the series
(obviously there are some spoilers in pics and commentary but I'll try to limit them); and
c) I just watched 'The Last Patrol' AND I'M JUST IN A WEBGOTT MOOD, OK??
So now that all the preamble is out of the way, let's get into it, shall we?
MASSIVELY EPIC BOB PICSPAM PART ONE: WEBSTER AND LIEBGOTT
(or 'Webster and Liebgott and their epically fucked-up love')
This is Joe Liebgott. When we first meet Joe he looks distinctly un-Liebgottish and is having a bayonet rapped on his helmet by Captain Ross Dickweed, who, coincidentally, will not be getting a picspam, except maybe for me to laugh at him.
Anyway, it is surprising that Liebgott puts up with such dickish behaviour, as he is pretty badass and is kind of like the leader of the boys in their LOVELY TIGHT WHITE SHIRTS AND LITTLE SHORTS (TYVM HBO). He is also like "LOL MAYBE I'LL JUST DROP A GRENADE NEXT TIME CAPTAIN DICKWEED'S ABOUT!!" This is Liebgott's approach to conflict resolution, bless.
Unsurprisingly, Liebgott likes to pick fights. But this is because he is badass.
He is so badass he does the whole 'keeping an extra smoke behind my ear in case the mood for cancer strikes' thing. Coincidentally, I am normally like Captain Alex of the SS Smoking Kills, but HOT DAMN this show makes me put the vehement anti-smokingness on the backburner, because it makes smoking look hot. Ew and yum.
Liebgott is a cabdriver by trade, but also gives wicked awesome haircuts, because he is badass. Well, one wicked awesome haircut to some random guy we never see again, but whatever. I wish he'd had a go at Webster's lovely luscious black locks, but it wasn't to be :(
So Joe may be a badass, but he also has a heart the size of San Francisco, as evidenced when Tipper gets his face, you know, blown off.
And this scene is why, in spite of all of the evil Webgott fics I have read (FOR SHAME) I will never be able to hate Joe. The scene is so awesome they even put it in the opening credits. AND THAT'S WHY I HAVE FOUR CAPS OF TIPPER'S MASHED-UP FACE.
So anyway, in the first couple of episodes we see a lot of Liebgott and not much Webster, although Webster's still hanging about, just staring unnervingly at people, eavesdropping on conversations and giving sweets to children AND THEN STARING AT THEM.
I'm just going to pause here and mention that Webster is played by Eion Bailey, who apparently went to the same school for unbearably beautiful men as Jensen Ackles. Capping Webster is hard because he ALWAYS LOOKS SO FUCKING PRETTY, UGH.
Also of note here in the background of the second cap is James McAvoy, and all I have to say is ROFL LOOK AT JAMES MCAVOY.
So Webster is blindingly beautiful but he has this terrible habit of running around with his mouth hanging open. Like, I seriously started laughing when I was putting this together, because I had about one hundred caps of Webster with his mouth open. It's little wonder that people write the Webster fics that they do (YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT)
So, Liebgott is super stealthy and hot and awesome when he's being a soldier, and kills lots of Germans etc etc etc
When Webster, however, tries doing the whole soldier thing, he just ends up on his back. MAKE OF THAT WHAT YOU WILL.
Web gets shot in the leg and then we start to be treated to some of his epic emoness, where he looks pretty but waxes lyrical in his monotone about some shit and sends us all to sleep.
Joe, on the other hand, kind of gets shot in the neck or something but as he is so marvellously badass and intent on slaughter (yay!) he just keeps on shooting.
Until hot Captain Winters tells him that he can't kill any German POWs and takes all his bullets away and Joe is like BITCH PLZ WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M HERE FOR????
So while Web is off being 'rehabilitated' (PFFT) Joe and everyone else is chilling in the cold in Bastogne, and TBH I don't notice too much about these episodes unless it begins with an 'E' and ends with 'ugene Roe' so for all I know Joe could have been prancing about in a tutu and setting up a hairdresser's or something (ALSO, FOREWARNING: MY DOC ROE PICSPAM, WHEN IT ARRIVES, WILL TAKE UP ALL OF THE MEMORY ON THE INTERNET NOW AND FOREVER SO WATCH OUT)
But chances are that instead of prancing and cutting hair Joe was probably just being cold, shooting Germans and being (justifiably) emo.
So, by episode 8 we're out of Bastogne and Web returns, looking inordinately beautiful after his recuperation but also seeming exceedingly stupid, so I'd imagine that the recuperation also included some form of lobotomy because he comes over all vacant and Nate Archibald-esque, and Joe is not pleased by this. AND THUS THE EPIC WEBGOTT FUN BEGINS.
Liebgott is all hot in his massive coat and withering in his snarky little jibes at Web, who, bless him, proceeds to put his foot so far into his mouth and down his throat that that lump in his pants is sadly not his excitement at seeing Liebgott (attempting to be deliberately vague about Webster's stupidity here so to avoid spoilers, urgh)
And Webster is all "DID I SAY SOMETHING WRONG? I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE HAVING AN AWESOME TIME IN BASTOGNE. LET ME WANDER AROUND WITH MY MOUTH OPEN SOME MORE."
And so Web broods, because he is thick, and hangs out with Tom Hanks' son, because he has no friends and at least this will enhance his prettiness in comparison.
And so begins Liebgott's truly magnificent campaign of justified assholeness...
which really is nothing more than thinly veiled sexual tension
and IDGAF if you don't like slash
because I'm fairly certain that even Stevie Wonder would notice the glorious, glorious, GLORIOUS slashy undertones in these scenes.
And who are we to complain when Webster's prettiness is seemingly only enhanced tenfold when he fights with his boyfriend
And Joe continues with the teasing, and mocking, and bitching, and apparently all of this treatment of Web never happened in real life (ie. the real Webster never mentioned it in his book or anything) so I just like to think that the writers shoved it in there to please us all, because as there are approximately 1.8 females in this entire series the sexual tension has to come from somewhere.
So anyway, Webster (who, being Harvard-educated, you would hope it wouldn't actually have taken this long) starts to figure it all out and is like HMM I THINK JOE IS MAD AT ME OR SOMETHING
AND LIEBGOTT FUCKING SQUEEZES HIS BICEP AND IS A TOTAL BITCH AND HOT DAMN I LOVE THIS EPISODE
So anyway, they all have to go on this dangerous patrol thing, and Web is all "I GUESS I SPEAK A LITTLE GERMAN, DO I HAVE TO GO?" and he kind of acts like a prissy little bitch about the whole thing
And Joe uses some hilariously primary-school tactics (I mean, whispering when he's just in earshot? COME ON) to fuck with Web and get himself out of the patrol
AND THEN HE WINKS AT WEB.
AND THIS, COUPLED WITH GRANT'S (♥) MASSIVE SHIT-EATING GRIN, KILLS ME DEAD EVERY TIME AND IS TOTALLY MY FAVOURITE PART OF THE WHOLE EPISODE.
So Web wanders about, and continues to be pretty,
and emo
and sulks like a little puppy for long enough until Liebgott is all "YOU ARE OFFICIALLY REDEEMED" and they are BFFs forever and ever.
And so all seems well and they go gallivanting off throughout the German countryside together and Liebgott is talking about their future together and the big soft assets that he feels Webster is lacking and Webster is all "mmmm this helmet slop needs a little more salt"
And then they have a hilarious little lover's tiff during which Webster actually plays the whole "I CHOOSE NOT TO TELL YOU PRIVATE DETAILS ABOUT MY LIFE SHUT UP YOU TOTALLY DON'T KNOW ME BUT LOL I STUDY LITERATURE THANKS FOR ASKING" game.
And Joe is all "I LOVE TO READ. WE ARE DESTINED TO BE TOGETHER" and I choose to think that Web is looking at him in this way because he thinks it's fucking adorable rather than being all patronising and COMICS PFFT YOU CRETIN. And then Liebgott randomly changes sides on the truck and his hair changes suddenly and I always get confused by this.
But alas, all the fun cannot last and people start to lose their shit.
Web, of course, does this with his mouth open
and the whole thing is kind of hilarious.
But then Joe starts to secretly (and justifiably) lost his shit after being all stoic, and it is not hilarious,
and I find it rather perverse of myself that I think Joe is at his hottest in this episode. FOR SHAME, ALEX.
But yeah, his hair looks fantastic.
No snarky commentary here because baaawwwwwww
he plays this scene so freaking well.
But then they are in Austria, and the sun is shining, and Web is all "DEAR DIARY. JOE IS HANDSOME. HE SMILED AT ME. MY FOOT HURTS. LOVE FROM DAVID"
But because they are Webster and Liebgott they go for a drive up a mountain
and have the most hilariously awesome spat which involves a whole heap of close-talking (MY FAVOURITE THING EVERRRR)
and Skinny, even more hilariously, just hangs around in the background being a third wheel and scratching his head because you just KNOW he's totally seen this all before.
So Joe is a magnificently and justifiably nasty bastard in this scene
And Web goes outside to smoke and be pretty and emo
And they bitch and yell at each other some more and have a giant domestic
and finish it all off by having a wonderfully awkward car ride down the mountain again. I must once again reiterate my love for Skinny and his little eyerolls in this scene, LMAO.
So then the war is all over (SPOILER!!) and stuff and Webster continues to be pretty AND manages to keep his mouth shut for, like, a WHOLE scene,
and even tries hitting on a German soldier, because, seriously, have a look at the look on his face, but all goes pear-shaped and the mouth drops open once again.
AND HEY THERE LOOK IN THE BACKGROUND IT'S RUFUS!!!!!!!! UNF UNF UNF I chose to limit the shared Webster/Speirs (aka Rufus) caps to just these two, because otherwise your brains would overheat and your eyeballs would sear out or something.
So with the war over, there are no more Germans to kill, so we have a fun little game of vengeance in which even Joe looks a little sickened by it all (what?)
But then the sun is out again and everyone is happy and gorgeous
and they play baseball and Joe cracks me up with his baaaaaaaaggy clothes
and Web puts the old sexy white tshirt back on and is massively attractive and that's the end of the story except for the bit where Web goes to live with Joe in San Francisco and makes his living as a cabaret dancer/lady of the night
So that's part one. Of God knows how many. THEY WILL BE GETTING MORE SPOILERY AS WE GO ON, because frankly, reading over this, it doesn't make a lot of sense when I'm being so vague unless you've seen the show, so sorry about that. But yeah, it's without a doubt the best fucking thing I've ever seen (except maybe for BSG) so if you have never seen it, GO AND WATCH IT. It's on YouTube, for Pete's sake. DO IT.
And nb. I totally don't hate Webster, by the way. Reading over this again it seems awfully critical, but that's because I LOVE HIM AND EXPECT BETTER OF HIM, OK??