bad writing bc I just needed to dump this yes I know its bad
Warning: ((there are a lot of typos in this post because I am (a) a horrible typist and, (b) letting my nail polish dry as I type this - it affects my typing)) I will also not be spellchecking after I finish bc I am sure only about 0 people will read it lol.
I just realised something.
Not too long ago I learned a lesson about anger, and perhaps todays' musings build on that. My mind only seems to like to work in a sleep deprived induced headached state. Sometimes it is really a pain, no pun intended.
I'll start by recalling the small thing I learned to do when I get angry. Usually, as a practitioner of Buddhism, we aim not to be angered by anything - but I am clearly no Buddha and sometimes life is just insistent on getting a reaction out of you. It also doesn't help that I am an extremely petty little bitch and I think knowing what to get angry about is perhaps our own way of drawing lines and establishing boundaries.
I think anger, albeit sometimes destructive and difficult, serves a purpose just like any other emotion. If we do not anger, how do we know or feel what is worth defending or taking up arms over? It is impossible to live life a pacifist, not in this society today unless you choose to seclude yourself and mind (read: escape) from the outside world. While I do not opine on people who actually do this, personally I would rather put up a fight.
I learend that fighting is not for the purpose of winning. I get into fights sometimes, and because I am regrettably weak, I don't win many of them; but that does not stop me because the reason I fight is simply to establish boundaries. People are cowards. They'll push and poke you just to see how much you're willing to give way but the moment you push back they will go pick another less troublesome target to test.
This is, what I think, an eternal rule of human nature that is not going to change. By getting into fights that I will lose I am just showing them that while they are welcome to come at me again, I do not intend on being an easy target. There is an abundance of easy targets to pick, so after that I am usually left alone.
I think a lot of people are afraid of confrontation or having to cross others because they think they don't have what it takes to win the fight, so they don't try. But just as I practise Muay Thai to boost my self esteem, fighting to me is rarely about whether I will win. I am very sure I will lose many fights but I am proud to all myself a fighter.
Perhaps I will be a pacifist when I am dead. But I live, and I want to put up a fight while I still can. I want to live.
A while ago I got really angry at someone. I have already forgotten who it was and why I was angry (thank god!) and I dont even remember if I decided to forgive them in the end. Now that I have forgotten the whole ordeal, I don't think having to decide that is neccessary. What I do remember was what I went through as I was being angry; I still had to deal with them and walking away was not an option. We were so upset at each other even our strained civility felt contrite and the atmosphere was heavy.
But I never allowed my anger to act. 'I am angry at you, but that doesn't mean I'm going to be a bitch to you.' was what I thought. And I still did them a huge favour while being upset the whole time. Mind you, I had a valid reason to be upset and they were being a full-blown bitch to me.
It was my vanity that held me back. I told myself that I wasn't a bitch and sure wasn't going to act like one just because they were being a bitch to me. I wanted to hold that high opinion of myself: that I was a magnanimous person who was better than all those people who let anger take over and begin acting like assholes. I was above it, and I knew that.
What I noticed I was that while being very kind to them and doing them favours I didn't need to be doing, I did not attemp to unravel or let go of my anger. This was because I knew I was being treated unfairly and trying to force myself to forgive a constant source of bullying was only going to end up hurting my self esteem.
So I learend the very valuable lesson that you can still be kind and smile even though you have not let go of your anger. My emotions and the person I am are two different things and they do not always neccesarily affect each other. I will alwyas be kind but that does not mean I do not anger to protect myself. Just because I am angry doesn't mean I stop being a kind person.
Perhaps 'anger management' is less about managing your anger, but more about managing yourself when you are angered. Because I find that anger, like grief and sadness, will pass away gradually with time. To be honest that is how I treat my anger - just like how I treat sadness. I let it run its course and fade away with time. Perhaps 'frogiveness' is not always the end to anger that we envision.
Forgiveness is a nice thing, but sometimes it can be dangerous. A long time ago I tried very hard to be a pacifist after reading some Buddhist teachings. The teachings wer enot wrong but it is dangerous to try to acheive that when you are not mentally and emotionally ready (most of us aren't). In trying to frantically let go of all anger and forgive everything, I found that it hurt me more, especially my self esteem. Why did I have to forgive someone who hurt me malicoiously? Or even worse - why did I have to forgive someone who hurt me because they didn't even consider having the courtesy to consider my feelings?
In hardhanding myself to not get angry or forgiving them when my emotions were not likewise prepared to, I hurt myself more than if I had just gotten raging mad. Which made me consider the possibility that forgiveness is not the answer to anger. Like any other emotion, time is.
Though I say this, I know people who have held grudges for lifetimes and it seems time was never able to soften the sting. In one aspect I think these people actually consciously hold on to the anger. When you are insistent on doing so, there is nothing that can stop you, haha. Or these people have bad dealing-with-anger capabilities. Sucks.
This morning as I nursed a sleep deprived headache I had a thought that added on to the lesson I just illustrated.
I don't think forgiving people and things is the answer at all actually. It's great if we are able to manage that but sometimes it is impossible, especially if the impact of what was done to you lasts for years and years. I think that is the kind of grief anf/or anger that slowly tears at people, damages and changes them.
I think similar to how I managed myself under anger, I will try to manage myself under being unable to forgive. I am not ready to let go or erase or deny what happend to me so I am not going to risk hurting myself further by trying to convince myself. We grow more fragile with every warped perception and lie we pile on ourselves.
I am not going to be a bitch to the person I cannot forgive. I harbour resentment, I am still hurt but that doesn't have to change the person I am. I am strong and I am kind and I'm not letting anyone change that. That is proof my my strength - my unwavering emotions. I think it is possible with a lot of conscious practice. We try and try and practice and fail and practice into becoming the people we want to be anyway. That's just the way life works.
It hurts, but it doesn't have to change me.