Hey there....
I'm not really sure how to start this, I see there's quite a few people who have my same point of view and while there are people out there who will tell you it's 'wrong' to have that point of view the truth is it's hard not to when it's at least partial truth or whole truth.
It's a bit hard to find people who care when you wish all to hell you could find a group of people who care; a bit sad that those who can muster the need to care or at least truly care are too far away from us all.
I'm Amanda, and I'm having the same thoughts that keep coming on stronger and stronger. I suppose I'm able to keep myself pretty cheery and happy, I also have this thing about wanting to be there for people but knowing I can't entirely because I can't even be there for myself.
I'm depressed over the life I'm forced to live, a life without control in it. Twenty one and no one's ever been there for me, this may sound far-fetched or hell even self-pity party but it's the truth.
I'd say for about three years of my life the very first three years I got anything I wanted and I was spoiled beyond belief. That still gets shoved in my face till this day; amusing right? Something I can't even remember.
My childhood was full of nelglect from no food, staying with sometimes fifthteen people, parties, sexually abused, psychically, verbally, I remember by the time I was five. Things were so bad I asked my mother to kill me, I said I wanted to die and she held me down on the bed with a knife to my throat and has completely forgot about this.
If I wasn't being abused by my step-father in these many lights, later on my mother would take over when I got fed up with her partying. A lot of my childhood was spent going from my grandmother's back to my mum's with so many people, basically no one wanted me anywhere and I was back and forth here or there until someone got tired of me.
When my grandmother died, my mum who has never been any kind of parent sent me to many places for obsesity. I'm still fat; why these places didn't work? Well, your eviroment has to change and she never changed her eating habits or eviroment. I was always expected to raise myself while 'respecting' the adults around me; I would be twelve/fithteen and expected to change.
I admit I gave my mother a hard time though; I wouldn't go to school. Children tormented me for anything and everything. Being too tall, the color of my skin (mixxed), being fat, if I even so much as bumped into anyone. I'll never really understand why I was treated cruelly, or why I was targeted. Adults even did this, my own family did this.
My mother just recently learned the darling angel who plays sports, and cleans house isn't darling. My sister that is, she treated my mother the way she treated me behind my mother's back for years tonight.
I was torn between trying to show sympathy for my mother and really feeling sympathy for her while trying to hold back on crying and asking her why she won't do anything about her. Eventually that blew up into a arguement.
If you really want to see Tyrant, and bitch, you'd see my sister in the dictionary under each word or hell sometimes satan's child.
This strange knack for knowing people and not being prepared for life sometimes drives me into the ground. I can't meet someone without knowing who they are right away, when I was younger I thought prehaps in the back of my mind it was close-minded judgement but rarely have I ever been wrong about people. It really bothers me to know the people I at least thought cared don't care.
My aunt living with me for instance... well, I've learned that she's a self-centered, spoiled brat and that she has this odd self-destruction in her for the sake of pity from others, a victim complex and yes very self-absorbed. I dealt with her for the last four months along with some guy we didn't even know, I knew what he was right away and she wouldn't listen. Now seen someone who I thought to be a second mother is not.
My own mother, I thought I had her all figured out then I realised she's a sixteen year old girl who doesn't want to grow up and she never will because she won't get thereputic help or take parenting classes. I'm kinda scared, no, really scared my little brother is going to turn out just like me.
Unable to drive, doesn't know how to fend for himself, doesn't have skills of any kind, no support from anyone because everyone's too self-absorbed to help a child, basically stuck in a world where you have to depend on others knowing you're only a bother and wishing you could do something or someone would care enough to teach you something.
He's under the pressure of our Tyrant sister, she's well a complete bitch and torments the boy with everything. He doesn't know what to do either but my mother takes it at face value; he doesnt respect me so he doesn't love me and it's hard getting through to people's heads especially her's that he can't respect her because she won't respect herself and she won't take over the parenting where she allows her seventeen year old to do it. The boy wants a mother and she's not being it.
This girl made sure I was out of the house, and I did leave, she wanted me out of the 'family' that never really existed. I realise it sounds so far-fetched but if I said anything and everyhing you'd really have a har dtime believing it.
I apologise, I'm ranting and going on. Basically right now; I'm in a situation where it's leave on foot with what little money you have left, hope and pray for death, kill yourself.
I know I don't sound desperate, scared and sad but it's just that part in my life where I'm on this verge of not caring and if I did die I wouldn't care. I keep thinking abouts wallowing a bottle of pills, and not a day goes by that I don't think of death in one way or another. (I attempted once at fourteen, tried again at seventeen, and locked myself in my house last year for three days contemplating something.)
Something as simple as walking down the slope in the yard becomes 'I hope I break my leg.' then I see bone coming out the side of my knee in my head and blood pouring, and it's so seriously meant that I think of how I'll make sure any witnesses won't call 911.
I'm not exactly bitter, or a kid who cries for attention anymore. Because there is no attention here, and there is no one that cares the way you hope they do. You're afraid of showing that you really do care even just a little because people act very goofy/funny about it when you do. I've strived very hard to be unlike others here because I don't want to be like anyone else around here.
Many friends were given up for the sake of not being lured into partying, sex and drugs. People think it's alright to sell pills because hey it's 'prescribed' and try to make you think that's alright.
Basically I lead a very fucked up life yet somehow I find time to laugh and smile and compare the fact when I start dwelling too much or realising just how bad things are; I tell myself about all the kids who are starving but then I get nights like this you know? Where death seems to be the only answer and you can't stop tears. You spend your life saying I don't want to be the kid that blames their parents but the truth is it is your parents fault, and you're not allowed to say that either because then it comes look you're blaming everyone.
People want you to speak up then they want you to shut up.
People are very complicated and confusing human beings who would rather not deal with anything at all it always seems and pretend they care.
Then the few friends you do trust to go talk to aren't on when you need them. (which it's none of their faults at all, one has school tomorrow and the other's internet got turned off into the middle of a random squee session.)
Basically... I don't even know. Am I here to make friends? Possibly. I'm terrified of getting close to people for many mindful reasons that I could go into detail about but I"ll spare the analyst mumbo jumbo. Do I want to be here for others who are going through a lot of the same things as me? Of course. Do I want to make friends who want to be there for each other unlike the people who won't be there for each other? I think so. Am I a kid like the rest of you unsure about this stupid fucking life and how things are going? Yes. I'm answering a whole lot of questions and not posting. Take me as you see you and comment as you see fit.
I'm Amanda. Hi. I hope you'll be glad to meet me, and I'll be glad to meet you.
It's a bit hard to find people who care when you wish all to hell you could find a group of people who care; a bit sad that those who can muster the need to care or at least truly care are too far away from us all.
I'm Amanda, and I'm having the same thoughts that keep coming on stronger and stronger. I suppose I'm able to keep myself pretty cheery and happy, I also have this thing about wanting to be there for people but knowing I can't entirely because I can't even be there for myself.
I'm depressed over the life I'm forced to live, a life without control in it. Twenty one and no one's ever been there for me, this may sound far-fetched or hell even self-pity party but it's the truth.
I'd say for about three years of my life the very first three years I got anything I wanted and I was spoiled beyond belief. That still gets shoved in my face till this day; amusing right? Something I can't even remember.
My childhood was full of nelglect from no food, staying with sometimes fifthteen people, parties, sexually abused, psychically, verbally, I remember by the time I was five. Things were so bad I asked my mother to kill me, I said I wanted to die and she held me down on the bed with a knife to my throat and has completely forgot about this.
If I wasn't being abused by my step-father in these many lights, later on my mother would take over when I got fed up with her partying. A lot of my childhood was spent going from my grandmother's back to my mum's with so many people, basically no one wanted me anywhere and I was back and forth here or there until someone got tired of me.
When my grandmother died, my mum who has never been any kind of parent sent me to many places for obsesity. I'm still fat; why these places didn't work? Well, your eviroment has to change and she never changed her eating habits or eviroment. I was always expected to raise myself while 'respecting' the adults around me; I would be twelve/fithteen and expected to change.
I admit I gave my mother a hard time though; I wouldn't go to school. Children tormented me for anything and everything. Being too tall, the color of my skin (mixxed), being fat, if I even so much as bumped into anyone. I'll never really understand why I was treated cruelly, or why I was targeted. Adults even did this, my own family did this.
My mother just recently learned the darling angel who plays sports, and cleans house isn't darling. My sister that is, she treated my mother the way she treated me behind my mother's back for years tonight.
I was torn between trying to show sympathy for my mother and really feeling sympathy for her while trying to hold back on crying and asking her why she won't do anything about her. Eventually that blew up into a arguement.
If you really want to see Tyrant, and bitch, you'd see my sister in the dictionary under each word or hell sometimes satan's child.
This strange knack for knowing people and not being prepared for life sometimes drives me into the ground. I can't meet someone without knowing who they are right away, when I was younger I thought prehaps in the back of my mind it was close-minded judgement but rarely have I ever been wrong about people. It really bothers me to know the people I at least thought cared don't care.
My aunt living with me for instance... well, I've learned that she's a self-centered, spoiled brat and that she has this odd self-destruction in her for the sake of pity from others, a victim complex and yes very self-absorbed. I dealt with her for the last four months along with some guy we didn't even know, I knew what he was right away and she wouldn't listen. Now seen someone who I thought to be a second mother is not.
My own mother, I thought I had her all figured out then I realised she's a sixteen year old girl who doesn't want to grow up and she never will because she won't get thereputic help or take parenting classes. I'm kinda scared, no, really scared my little brother is going to turn out just like me.
Unable to drive, doesn't know how to fend for himself, doesn't have skills of any kind, no support from anyone because everyone's too self-absorbed to help a child, basically stuck in a world where you have to depend on others knowing you're only a bother and wishing you could do something or someone would care enough to teach you something.
He's under the pressure of our Tyrant sister, she's well a complete bitch and torments the boy with everything. He doesn't know what to do either but my mother takes it at face value; he doesnt respect me so he doesn't love me and it's hard getting through to people's heads especially her's that he can't respect her because she won't respect herself and she won't take over the parenting where she allows her seventeen year old to do it. The boy wants a mother and she's not being it.
This girl made sure I was out of the house, and I did leave, she wanted me out of the 'family' that never really existed. I realise it sounds so far-fetched but if I said anything and everyhing you'd really have a har dtime believing it.
I apologise, I'm ranting and going on. Basically right now; I'm in a situation where it's leave on foot with what little money you have left, hope and pray for death, kill yourself.
I know I don't sound desperate, scared and sad but it's just that part in my life where I'm on this verge of not caring and if I did die I wouldn't care. I keep thinking abouts wallowing a bottle of pills, and not a day goes by that I don't think of death in one way or another. (I attempted once at fourteen, tried again at seventeen, and locked myself in my house last year for three days contemplating something.)
Something as simple as walking down the slope in the yard becomes 'I hope I break my leg.' then I see bone coming out the side of my knee in my head and blood pouring, and it's so seriously meant that I think of how I'll make sure any witnesses won't call 911.
I'm not exactly bitter, or a kid who cries for attention anymore. Because there is no attention here, and there is no one that cares the way you hope they do. You're afraid of showing that you really do care even just a little because people act very goofy/funny about it when you do. I've strived very hard to be unlike others here because I don't want to be like anyone else around here.
Many friends were given up for the sake of not being lured into partying, sex and drugs. People think it's alright to sell pills because hey it's 'prescribed' and try to make you think that's alright.
Basically I lead a very fucked up life yet somehow I find time to laugh and smile and compare the fact when I start dwelling too much or realising just how bad things are; I tell myself about all the kids who are starving but then I get nights like this you know? Where death seems to be the only answer and you can't stop tears. You spend your life saying I don't want to be the kid that blames their parents but the truth is it is your parents fault, and you're not allowed to say that either because then it comes look you're blaming everyone.
People want you to speak up then they want you to shut up.
People are very complicated and confusing human beings who would rather not deal with anything at all it always seems and pretend they care.
Then the few friends you do trust to go talk to aren't on when you need them. (which it's none of their faults at all, one has school tomorrow and the other's internet got turned off into the middle of a random squee session.)
Basically... I don't even know. Am I here to make friends? Possibly. I'm terrified of getting close to people for many mindful reasons that I could go into detail about but I"ll spare the analyst mumbo jumbo. Do I want to be here for others who are going through a lot of the same things as me? Of course. Do I want to make friends who want to be there for each other unlike the people who won't be there for each other? I think so. Am I a kid like the rest of you unsure about this stupid fucking life and how things are going? Yes. I'm answering a whole lot of questions and not posting. Take me as you see you and comment as you see fit.
I'm Amanda. Hi. I hope you'll be glad to meet me, and I'll be glad to meet you.