0031. &; Everything looks so perfect from above
This movie makes me cry, every damn time. No matter what, I just cry and I'm crying now... an friend told me to watch it for several reasons. It was important to him that I did when I did... and It's so funny that I didn't get the message till two years later.
One of the biggest ones was... Thank you for saving me even though he hates my guts now. He was beautiful at photography, and deeper than anyone I've ever known. I could have fallen in love, taht's what he wanted but I was closed. I was like twisted Sam and he was like this innocent Andrew. I could only be so close, I'd like to say Sorry to him today. This isn't like... oh I miss an Ex. He wasn't like that at all for me, I didn't want him in very much. I wasn't in love with him but gawd he was just so in love with me, I just didn't know what to do. I made him talk, I made him express, everything but I never did that back.
I opened him up but I kept myself at bay, but I want to say I'm sorry for pushingb him away so hard but I'm also glad that for some fucking reason, I opened his eyes. I don't know why.
I'm so scared to get close to anyone. I can't help it, just everything goes through my mind and I want to push everyone away. He really wanted to make a life with me, and I just, it got too close and I couldn't handle the idea. I couldn't do it.
I've been thinking for the past two-three days, I really need to disappear. I need to go. .. I have such a odd and amazing hold on killing how I feel, on how I think, on how much I want to do this or that. I numb myself on purpose, yet now it's so .. it's just there.
You know the funniest thing? I don't know. It feels good to laugh and cry.
I dunno... I just don't. But I wish I could talk to him and see how he's doing. I want to say I'm glad I could save you even though I can't save myself. I really am. I'm so glad. It's nice knowing that you can change the life of one person even if it's one it means the world.
I miss thinking that way. I miss wanting to help people all the time, I hate the fact that I let people get to me, and fucking gawd. I hate it, I hate it so much that I'm scared of hugging someone who cries because I don't want anyone to make fun of me or some stupid shit. or if I bag up food and take it to someone who needs it. I tried doing that a lot when I was younger, and everyone acted like It was such a sin to give.
Everyone around me ... twisted everything inside and I don't know. I don't know. I hate ever admitting I need people, I hate it because no one was ever there for me. Ever, no one ever tried with me they just told me what to do and made me feel bad if I didn't do it. They didn't do it with me.
How many times does the little sister say? I want to be together with you big brother. and I want to say Me too but I can't because I'm so scared that'll turn into we're not close anymore. I guess that's why I haven't talked to her in a few days.
This movie makes me stupid.
I need to honestly just... forgive my mum.... and let it go. I know it's hard to say; but we're no good for each other. She's too childish, and I've always wanted more than a sorry for what she put me through. More than being blamed for things that weren't my fault. More than being the adult, and then getting yelled at for it too. I just feel like I got dealt a shitty shitty hand, and I don't know what to do with myself at all.
I do, and I look but I don't want to depend on people. Fuck it all, I don't want to. AHHH. It's nice being stupid like this...
My chest burns like hell, and all I want to do is curl up with foamy you know? Except I don't have a clue where he is... I think he's in the closet. Just listen to music, close my eyes and relax. That'll be good.
Everythings just piling on and getting to me.