app.
Character: Seymour Birkhoff
Series: Nikita (2010)
Age: late 20s / early 30s-ish
Job: Tech Support
Canon: There is a secret, black-ops organization (tm) funded by the United States government known only as "Division." Like all good secret, black-ops organizations (tm), Division has become corrupt over the years. Full of recruits with troubled pasts that have been molded into master assassins, Division has become its own entity, performing operations for fun and profit, even if they hurt their own - a fact which most recruits are unaware of. Enter Nikita. A former Division recruit, Nikita is now on a quest to take Division down, bring their crimes to light, and free the recruits and others operating under Division from the mercenary lives they lead.
Seymour Birkhoff doesn't quite fit into either of those categories. As Division's head technician, Birkhoff is in charge of all the computer systems and fancy gadgets that they use. As the "nerd" of the group, Birkhoff isn't exactly what one would call sociable; he'd much prefer to watch operations go down from behind a computer screen with a can of Red Bull in one hand, letting a flippant stream of commentary on the mission at hand flow as he pleases. He's smart and he knows it, a fact that he's always rubbing in people's faces. Birkhoff can be in-your-face and grating at times, especially when he thinks he's right and more often than not, he comes off as cranky and put upon because of it. He's always quick to back off and retreat to his monitors, however, when presented with a real threat. Bravery is not his strong suit. However, despite the fact that Birkhoff works for the shadiest people known to man, he himself does have a few morals buried deep, deep, deep down inside. There is a softer, gooey center to Birkhoff's hardened shell of jackassery - it just might require a pickaxe to reach it.
Sample Post:
Next.
Yeah, okay, whatever. State your name and the problem you're having with your techno- ... jesus christ. Okay, you, with the- you know what, my patience is shot to hell this evening so for my sanity, we're going to call that a skin condition. You, with the skin condition, will you set that laptop down already? I'm not running a charity here, despite what these apes have informed me via several lewd gestures that are so not your standard accepted sign language. So just hand the laptop over and I swear to god, if you take that as literally as the last kid with a "skin condition" did, I will strangle you with your own mouse cord.
Let's pop this baby open, run a scan, and see what your problem is. Besides the "Will it Blend" job on the casing, of course. Tell you what - how about we call this a voided warranty and move on? Don’t even try arguing with me on that one. These dings and scratches mess with the system. I mean, seriously, would you do this to a car? ... Don't answer that. Okay, your keyboard is unresponsive, which can happen for a number of reasons. In your case? It's because you're a slob who eats at the computer, and this gray ... matter thing that we're going to call a "steak" got stuck between the keys. Just take a tool later and clean out the keys- and no, your tongue is not a tool. Will you get your face out of my personal space already?!
Besides, the scan's finished anyway and let me tell you, the results are mind blowing. Because you see, that, my friend, is a virus. Make that a lot of viruses - damn, we could go ahead and call this an infestation. Where you got all of these from is another question entirely since this place has one hell of a firewall. Let me just tap into your browsing history and ... dude, seriously? "Ultra Kinky #109: Drillin' Your Grrrrilla"? "Primating for Goblow"? Those images are burned into my retinas now, thanks. Your ape fetish is showing, and it's also showing a hell of a lot of trojans - not the kind you'd use when getting your monkey jollies, for the record.
Damn. I ... no, I'm going to stick with "damn," because there aren’t really any other words for primate porn. This has been both educational and highly disturbing, and given the line of work I'm used to? That's impressive. You know what? If you ask me - and given that you're seeking my help on this thing, you are - I would actually be doing the world a favor by not repairing this machine. It's like Old Yeller in a way, if he were submitted to ape fetish vids on a nightly basis. Because sometimes, man, you’ve just gotta do the right thing. Look, it's not just this laptop that needs the fixing. Here's what you really need: a twelve step program, skin cream, and years of therapy. Okay? Okay. Now, take your glorified paper weight and go. And send the next idiot in while you're at it! ... And tell them to bring a bottle of tequila with them because man, what I've got in my thermos right now sure as hell isn't strong enough.
[voting went here.]
Series: Nikita (2010)
Age: late 20s / early 30s-ish
Job: Tech Support
Canon: There is a secret, black-ops organization (tm) funded by the United States government known only as "Division." Like all good secret, black-ops organizations (tm), Division has become corrupt over the years. Full of recruits with troubled pasts that have been molded into master assassins, Division has become its own entity, performing operations for fun and profit, even if they hurt their own - a fact which most recruits are unaware of. Enter Nikita. A former Division recruit, Nikita is now on a quest to take Division down, bring their crimes to light, and free the recruits and others operating under Division from the mercenary lives they lead.
Seymour Birkhoff doesn't quite fit into either of those categories. As Division's head technician, Birkhoff is in charge of all the computer systems and fancy gadgets that they use. As the "nerd" of the group, Birkhoff isn't exactly what one would call sociable; he'd much prefer to watch operations go down from behind a computer screen with a can of Red Bull in one hand, letting a flippant stream of commentary on the mission at hand flow as he pleases. He's smart and he knows it, a fact that he's always rubbing in people's faces. Birkhoff can be in-your-face and grating at times, especially when he thinks he's right and more often than not, he comes off as cranky and put upon because of it. He's always quick to back off and retreat to his monitors, however, when presented with a real threat. Bravery is not his strong suit. However, despite the fact that Birkhoff works for the shadiest people known to man, he himself does have a few morals buried deep, deep, deep down inside. There is a softer, gooey center to Birkhoff's hardened shell of jackassery - it just might require a pickaxe to reach it.
Sample Post:
Next.
Yeah, okay, whatever. State your name and the problem you're having with your techno- ... jesus christ. Okay, you, with the- you know what, my patience is shot to hell this evening so for my sanity, we're going to call that a skin condition. You, with the skin condition, will you set that laptop down already? I'm not running a charity here, despite what these apes have informed me via several lewd gestures that are so not your standard accepted sign language. So just hand the laptop over and I swear to god, if you take that as literally as the last kid with a "skin condition" did, I will strangle you with your own mouse cord.
Let's pop this baby open, run a scan, and see what your problem is. Besides the "Will it Blend" job on the casing, of course. Tell you what - how about we call this a voided warranty and move on? Don’t even try arguing with me on that one. These dings and scratches mess with the system. I mean, seriously, would you do this to a car? ... Don't answer that. Okay, your keyboard is unresponsive, which can happen for a number of reasons. In your case? It's because you're a slob who eats at the computer, and this gray ... matter thing that we're going to call a "steak" got stuck between the keys. Just take a tool later and clean out the keys- and no, your tongue is not a tool. Will you get your face out of my personal space already?!
Besides, the scan's finished anyway and let me tell you, the results are mind blowing. Because you see, that, my friend, is a virus. Make that a lot of viruses - damn, we could go ahead and call this an infestation. Where you got all of these from is another question entirely since this place has one hell of a firewall. Let me just tap into your browsing history and ... dude, seriously? "Ultra Kinky #109: Drillin' Your Grrrrilla"? "Primating for Goblow"? Those images are burned into my retinas now, thanks. Your ape fetish is showing, and it's also showing a hell of a lot of trojans - not the kind you'd use when getting your monkey jollies, for the record.
Damn. I ... no, I'm going to stick with "damn," because there aren’t really any other words for primate porn. This has been both educational and highly disturbing, and given the line of work I'm used to? That's impressive. You know what? If you ask me - and given that you're seeking my help on this thing, you are - I would actually be doing the world a favor by not repairing this machine. It's like Old Yeller in a way, if he were submitted to ape fetish vids on a nightly basis. Because sometimes, man, you’ve just gotta do the right thing. Look, it's not just this laptop that needs the fixing. Here's what you really need: a twelve step program, skin cream, and years of therapy. Okay? Okay. Now, take your glorified paper weight and go. And send the next idiot in while you're at it! ... And tell them to bring a bottle of tequila with them because man, what I've got in my thermos right now sure as hell isn't strong enough.
[voting went here.]