[completed] The Noisy Empty Room 6/6
Title : The Noisy Empty Room Chapter 6
Author : lovu_lovu_aiba
Beta : andreja1989
Pairing : Sakuraiba
Genre : AU, Romance, Psychological
Rating : PG13
Disclaimer : The boys aren't mine, I really hope I own them tho XD
Summary : Sakurai Sho, an introvert and normal psychology student, his world was somersaulted after he got a confession from Aiba Masaki, a popular weirdo from music department. But how if Aiba forgot that he talked to Sho in the very next day? Or the shocking fact that Aiba has more than one personality?
Last Entry
Summer, July 14th
Masaki was so close, no more than my reach. I just needed to extend my hand a bit to touch him. Yet he was untouchable, like there was a thin glass separated us. Clear, near and frustratingly because I could almost smell his fragrance. Yet those glass was unbreakable. I couldn’t reach him, there was no place for me inside his realm. Break the glass and reach my hand Masaki, live in a world where I can protect you from everything…
To do list :
- He is nervous about the trip, think slowly before asking anything.
- Make plan B if Matsujun doesn’t want to appear and cook something for both of you. Cook something? Order something maybe better? At least it’s not life threatening.
Sho wasted his time by staring blankly outside the window, trying his best to not make any movement, afraid of his heartbeat that could possible wake his lover up. Though it was almost impossible to calm his heartbeats down as now the younger leaned his head to his shoulder, sleeping soundly as they rode the train. The older more than knew that Aiba didn’t sleep properly last night, he just pretended not to notice it when Aiba budged besides him in the mission to let Aiba think about this whole reunion carefully. He maybe didn’t show any sign of fear or shock when Sho told ‘the real Aiba’ about the reunion, but they would meet real Nino there and Sho was sure something happened back then when Aiba was still a high school student. Something that pushed him into creating Nino as one of his alters. Whatever it was, they must face it later in reunion and Sho was prepared for the worst. In some cases when someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder is pushed to face their fears they would drown immediately, throwing someone else to face it, and Sho didn’t want it to happen.
He wanted Aiba to face it…
And he wanted to be there when Aiba had to face it… He needed Aiba to understand that he wasn’t alone and would never be… as long as Sho was still breathing.
Sho stumbled back to real life when Aiba moved lightly, slowly stirred from his slumber. He immediately smiled and naturally leaned forward, expecting for a kiss when Aiba opened his eyes.
“It’s Nino,” Aiba said shortly almost indifferently before Sho successes with his invasion, and he thought he was lucky to be unsuccessful. Gasping and immediately moving away Sho mumbled something close to curse and apology at the same time.
“Sorry, I didn’t expect you to appear…” he said as he moved to the seat in front of Aiba, awkwardly eyeing the younger one who started to invade Aiba’s bag and grinned when he found his DS.
“Thank you, that’s very sweet of you,” Aiba ignored the older completely as he was now absorbed to the game he was playing.
“I’m sorry…” Sho apologized again as his lover shrugged in response, “Did something bother him?”
“You always ask the same whenever I’m in the surface, something did, yeah,” Sho stared at the younger, expecting him to continue and latter sighed after some minutes, admitting defeat over Sho’s stare, “Shit happened back then, he is nervous but doesn’t want you to know or make you worry…”
“Tell me what it is …”
Aiba raised his eyebrow in sarcastic way as he laughed, “And see you cry again?”
Sho’s cheeks went beet red as he remembered the last encounter with Jun, “It was a private conversation with Matsumoto-san!”
The younger rolled his eyes in annoyance, “It is not if you talk to someone who is sharing a body with someone else!”
Nino’s words appeared to give impact on Sho more than the other meant to. Out of the blue all things he had to do with Aiba appeared in Sho’s head. Morning kisses, all hugs and cheesy words they had shared were a public consumption. He forgot that Nino, Jun and Ohno could watch all the time. He might went overboard too much since he had a mission to make Aiba used to his touches. It worked really great since Sho didn’t notice it. Aiba would naturally kiss him when he was back home, before sleep, or when he tried to wake Sho up. Nino and Jun appeared less, except that night when Sho tried to deepen their kiss and taste his lover more. After 3 seconds of feeling the warmness of Aiba’s tongue Sho got pushed out of the bed roughly and almost collided in the night stand, or worse… kissed the floor. But he was saved and only got minor back pain, also a sleepless night in the sofa as Jun rejected to make Aiba appear again… And Sho couldn’t share the bed with anyone else but Aiba… He also didn’t want to sleep in Aiba’s flat, there was a weird urge not to leave his boyfriend far which is why Sho chose the nice couch and moved back to bed in the dawn.
At least Aiba started to trust him way more that at the start of their relationship…
Maybe all embarrassment showed clearly on his face as Aiba remarked, “I really don’t want to watch it, don’t worry…”
Sho bit his lips in order to retort back to Aiba, “Nino, really… I really don’t want to have an argument with you at the moment. I just want to know… Don’t you think now I have the right to? After all? I need to know what I am facing soon…”
Sho almost lost all his patience at the silent treatment and pushed harder, “You said I would cry again. Is it that bad?”
He was trying not to blink when Aiba stared at him, his gaze full of judgment and deliberation. In some minutes that felt like hours for Sho, Aiba gave up. “It isn’t a pleasant story really…”
Sho nodded, “I understand that much…”
Sho never saw that kind of expression from Aiba, ever. When Nino appeared in the surface he always looked smug, playful, even if sometimes he was being really serious like when he was talking about Aiba, he wouldn’t show that expression. His lips straightened in thin line and a hurtful expression appeared, as if someone asked him to remember the saddest things that happened to him. And it wasn’t purely wrong that it made Sho almost take his words back. He didn’t want to see Aiba’s hurtful expression, furthermore he prefered not to know anything than bring those bad memories back to the other alters. But he knew, it wasn’t the time to hold back anymore… he needed to counter it sooner or later.
“He used to live with his mother’s younger sister until high school, when the school expenses started to grow lots. His aunt asked help from her older brother to take Masaki to his place and split the school expenses in two, and since his lovely aunt brought up about how hard it is to manage everything with one more person inside her family, his uncle agreed to take him until he graduates from high school…”
For some reasons Aiba’s body started to sway back and front as now his palms locked together above his laps. There was a long pause as the cold sweat started to run down his temple. The only thing that Sho wanted to do is hug him and erase his pain away, but he wasn’t facing his boyfriend, it was Ninomiya he was facing at the moment. And Sho was sure, that no matter how much pain the memories cause, Nino would never appreciate a hug from Sho. So he placed his hand around the cold fists and held it reassuringly.
A pair of assertive eyes stared at him, despite his panic attack Nino was still full of pride like usual, “I’m not Masaki.”
“You are Ninomiya Kazunari I’m aware, and I know it’s hard for you… You are still part of Masaki and I don’t want you to get hurt as much as I want Masaki not to get hurt anymore…”
Something close to a smirk washed over the stern expression of Aiba when he opened his fits and gripped on Sho’s hands, “I think you are falling in love with a wrong person, Sho-san…”
“I doubt,” Sho laughed lightly when Aiba’s body stopped to tremble, “You can’t date four people who are aware that they are being cheated on without getting a slap, or two.”
“Or four,” Aiba nodded in agreement, “Although Ohno would never slap you, Masaki is not aware and I’m not dating you…”
Sho laughed and nodded, “I’m not dating anyone except Masaki, trust me, Masaki is enough to make me busy…”
“I’m sorry, Sho-san… It isn’t purely my memories though I saw it clearly in my head but it’s hard to make it into words…”
“I understand…”
He took a deep breath as he gripped on Sho’s hands harder, eyes full of determination, “Masaki knew, no one wants him. He was being thrown out from his aunt’s place. He wanted to live alone yet he was still a minor so he had no other choice except to accept it. It was just three years, and then he could leave… But…”
Aiba’s breath was ragged when he continued without a tone, almost without feelings, like he was a machine, “I couldn’t recall when, or how or what kind of shits that made it happen. His cousins started to have interest in him, in a very disgusting way. One day when their parents were out of town they cornered Masaki. They weren’t human, they were only people hungry of Masaki’s passions and they pushed Masaki to serve them, the girl wanted to be fucked, the guy wanted to fuck, they were animals!”
Aiba’s voice was getting higher the more he talked, it was almost as if he was screaming in pain as Sho rushed him to his embrace, “Shhh… I’m here, it’s okay, no one will hurt you…”
But instead calming down Aiba panicked even more, he pushed Sho away and started to scratch the back of his palms. Aiba pulled himself to the corner of the compartment and hugged his feet tightly to his chest, the back of his palms started to change to angry red color. In the panic Sho was still half relieved that no one seemed to be notice the uproar they have caused although he was scared to hell that Aiba would end up hurting himself. He wasn’t ready when Aiba broke apart because remembering his past, and now he was regretting to even ask and brought it up to Nino. He thought Nino would be calm just like Jun, but he was wrong. He was terribly wrong…
“Kazu… Kazunari, I beg you please come back to me… It’s Sho…”
“Sho… chan… Sho…”
Sho’s eyes widened, “Masaki?”
Hesitantly Sho offered his hand to the still confused and scared Aiba, the later watched him as if he was a total stranger. Tears streamed down his cheeks, “Sho-chan, I want to go home… I feel sick, I don’t know why, bring me back Sho-chan…”
Sho’d love to, he’d be glad to bring Aiba back and just live with it, forgetting about his past and all. But something… something inside his chest was telling him that he needed to dig deeper, he needed to end everything, this pain must be ended.
“We can’t Masaki… remember the reunion…”
“No, I don’t want to attend it… Sho-chan, please…”
Slowly he grasped toward the younger who flinched but didn’t try to push him back anymore. “It’s okay… You won’t be alone, I will be there…”
He felt Aiba’s still trembling palm as he pulled the younger closer to his chest, “I think I’m sick… very sick…” Aiba whispered as the other hand gripped on Sho’s back of t-shirt tightly. “I’m sick, but I don’t know what happened to me…”
“Then let’s find the healing together…”
“You won’t leave me though I’m sick?”
“Why do I have to? I can’t live without you…” Sho pressed his lips on the other’s crown of head and patted his back lightly, urging his lover to sleep. “And I know you wouldn’t leave me at the moment if our positions were reversed …”
~*~
Sho didn’t know for how long he was asleep but when he woke up Aiba was no longer in his embrace, the younger instead sat close to the window, leaning to the glass and staring to the suburban view outside. The houses started to lessen that Sho understood they were close to Aiba’s hometown. His eyes were locked to his lover who was staring outside undisturbed. He remembered the rejection earlier, when Aiba started to push him away, just like he used to be. Half of Sho’s heart crumbled, no matter what he did, Aiba was still out of reach. Yet after he heard about another piece of Aiba’s past he couldn’t blame Aiba for rejecting him. That was inhuman… Although Sho had to agree that Aiba had that kind of pheromone that would bring people gather around him.
Now he understood how hard it was for Aiba to be intimate with him, to give him a simple kiss. He did remember the feeling of trembling Aiba when they went a bit too far and he seemed like he could broke apart although Sho was only trying to calm him down. He felt a little jolt in his heart, if only I could be more understanding…
Suddenly the younger turned back at him, his eyes were calm and unreadable, Sho was familiar with those eyes, “Jun-kun?”
“Sorry, for the outburst…” Aiba nodded.
“It’s okay. Are Masaki and Nino fine?”
“Nino will be just fine, although he can’t take Masaki’s place at the moment…” Aiba looked like thinking about some stuff before he continued, “Even though Nino seemed to be the one with stable emotions among us but he understood and shared Masaki’s feelings more than Ohno and me. That’s why he was always able to answer all your questions about Masaki’s state…”
“Even so, the more he understood, the more he was drowned into it. And just now, Masaki could feel our presence because of Nino’s sudden struggle of emotions…”
I think I’m sick… very sick…
“It was my memories, the moment when I appeared. It was so dark and my hands were tied down. There were voices of a girl above me and a guy around my ear and hands that roamed and hovered over my body… Then I struggled to get free, pushed them away, running away from that damn house…”
Sho was half shocked to the sudden turn from the guy who got a panic attack into someone with blank expression, telling him the exact same story, “Where to?”
“Street, I slept in park for days until their parents back. But they accused me running away because I stole some money. Then their parents started to abuse Masaki and when they were gone Masaki would be tied down… It happened again and again… They never saw him more than a sack of punching bag and a sex slave.”
There was no sadness, no frustration in Aiba’s voice that made Sho even more worried, he couldn’t handle a tremor Aiba but this emotionless Aiba looked unbearable, “They kept hurting us, again and again, Masaki thought about nothing else but suicide at that time. So we took the control more than ever…”
There was some particular feeling in Sho’s chest that he himself couldn’t explain. The tingling and queer feeling, just like when he was trying to remember something, the answer was just between his teeth but it was unspoken. Something was missing, like the 1000 pieces of puzzle that lost one snippet. He felt so empty like he was in parallel world, closing himself from this wicked world only him with the emptiness, and that was better than anything. He didn’t want his heart because he was rather not to feel anything… He didn’t even want to be alive…
The train had already stopped when Sho’s thoughts were still running. Aiba rose up and without waiting for Sho he headed outside to the open air. The later was gathering their stuff in a rush although he was still half thinking and chasing the younger who already sat on the bench nearby. The younger followed him with his eyes as Sho stood in front of him.
“Are you ready?”
Sho who was still sunk under his own thoughts didn’t even catch how odd Aiba’s question at that time was. He was looking around and another weird sensation lingered around, he knew that place, he was very familiar with that station like he was standing there every day… thinking to throw himself to the running train… and this thoughts really scared him to death…
Because it felt so real…
Too real…
Sho blurry recalled a figure of boy in gakuran. His shoulders were hanging low, the same with his head that made his eyesight limited to a pair of filthy shoes. His steps stopped as the younger turned back at him, “Can I wait for you here?”
Aiba raised his eyebrow in question, “No, you promised Masaki that you will stay by his side.”
Sho really had nothing to argue as now he was following his lover to the small street and as much as he had no idea why, he couldn’t help the familiar feeling that was filling him. He has been there, he was sure that much at least. Although he couldn’t recall when or why, furthermore, what happened at that time…
Sho’s head was in fog when Aiba took turn to the left and they found another quiet road. There, in the end of this road… there was an old building, a high school. His hands turned cold when Aiba stopped right in front the same building. His lover turned at him, soft gazing lingering on his eyes, Sho could see his own reflection, his eyes staring back at him looked more disoriented than ever.
To his surprise Aiba extended his hand to Sho, he didn’t know when exactly was he back and why now he looked incredible calm, “Come, Sho-chan…”
“Masaki?”
Without any doubt Sho took Aiba’s hand as the later guided him toward the school. Why did it look too quiet for a reunion, no one seemed to be around. They reached the locker room yet still no one was around. Another vision about the boy in gakuran appeared again. He looked more confident, his head didn’t hang low anymore although Sho couldn’t see the face as he leaned to the locker with the right hand, the other hand busy to push his shoes between what seemed to be full locker.
Aiba dragged him further to the hallway, leaving the mysterious boy behind. Sho could imagine some students running through hallway as saying “morning’” to each other, some rushing for getting his friend’s paper since their homework were incomplete, some didn’t even bother to do it. Their steps stopped as now Aiba reached for a door and slid it open, he dragged Sho slowly through the door.
Sho’s body paralyzed when he saw Nino, Jun and a stranger guy standing inside the room, creating a small uncompleted circle. They were solid like normal human and just like he always imagined, just like Ohno’s drawings. Ohno… the stranger guy who was slightly shorter than Nino had spiky hair, his skin looked a bit dark like he was standing too long under sunlight. Ohno?
Another memory rushed through Sho’s head, the boy who hung his head low standing alone close to blackboard, seemed like he couldn’t start any conversation with anyone. He didn’t even get a chair yet, too scared to make any move. For a second the boy seemed to be troubled until he lifted his head, Sho gasped when he finally could see the boy’s face clearly. He was looking at himself, only 5 years younger. His eyes lit up with something different, different from his usual gaze yet it was very familiar. Smart, a bit sly, but very appealing… very… Nino.
He felt Aiba’s hand tighten as he dared himself to land his gaze on Nino who smirked at him, “That’s how I appeared…”
“An orphan boy who was wearing second handed gakuran, couldn’t even make friends. Afraid that people might hurt him just like his cousins did…”
Just like last piece of the puzzles placed in the last hole, everything rushed back to Sho’s brain. The hole of losing his whole family, the emptiness, his cries that were never heard, darkness, his soulless body pinned to the floor, a hand traced his chest and another pair of hands playing with his member, the smell of nauseate perfume, a hit that landed straight to his face, blood spilled to his hand. He wanted to leave, he wanted to die… anything as long as this pain would vanish. Please someone… Please take it… I am no longer able to bear it…
Then when he opened his eyes the pain was already gone… but the emptiness left… and the emptiness couldn’t be gone…
But Sho was wrong…
It was gone when he saw someone’s smile, a smile that brought his sanity back every time the past haunted him, the one he could hang to, who sow the seed of happiness inside his heart, filling Sho with life strength when his heart already died. When he was giving up of his life that person appeared, warmed Sho’s day and those terrible nightmares were gone… Someone who accepted him just the way he was…
Yet he died in a train accident with him… It wasn’t fair because he was the source of his life, someone who woke his dead soul, someone who could make all people fall for him easily. Yet he stays, he stays and loves only Sho. But he was taken first, leaving the useless Sho behind. Masaki was gone… Just like his family, just like everyone he loves dearly.
And so Sho kept him alive in his heart, forever and ever…
“We all are part of you Sho-chan…” he heard Aiba’s whisper, “We won’t let anyone hurt you…”
His eyes wandered and found Nino who gave him an amused smile while Ohno and Jun nodded to him, Aiba still gripping on his hand. I’m not alone…
“Sakurai-san…?” A hesitant voice called him as now he was alone in the room. He turned back to find a neat man standing at the door frame, smiling at him awkwardly. “I’m Andou from the centre…”
“Centre…?” Sho asked while busied his hands to wipe his tears.
“Rehabilitation…” The other observed Sho a bit before continued, “Would you come with me?”
We won’t let anyone hurt you…
‘It’s a promise, Masaki…?’
“Yes.”
~*~
The room was wide and white, there was black large table and a nice chair behind it. Sho was sitting on the other side of the table, waiting for… he didn’t even know what he was waiting for. Sho always knew that he was different even before he met Aiba, he lost track of time easily, couldn’t recall what he was doing, but he never felt as clueless as before. The thin line between reality and insanity was gone. He couldn’t differentiate which part of his life was real and which was happening only in his head. And he was feeling crazier than ever…
Someone in a white coat, his hair were grey though he looked young and friendly, entered the room as Andou followed him from behind. He offered his hand to Sho who hesitantly accepted it, “Nice to meet you, Sakurai-san. I’m Kihara.”
Sho couldn’t say that he was happy to meet the friendly guy yet he nodded, “You are…”
“Psychiatrist yes,” he smiled calmly. “How are you feeling?”
“Confused,” Sho accepted fast, he just wanted to get over everything as soon as possible, “Very…”
“What kind of confused?”
“I don’t know which one is real and which one is not…”
Kihara nodded and checked his papers for a while, “Then let’s sort out your thoughts slowly, shall we?”
Sho nodded back in approval as the psychiatrist tilted his head, “You can give me some questions and I will answer it, Sakurai-san…”
“Am I really having dissociative identity disorder [DID] or was everything a delusion?”
[A delusion is a belief held with strong conviction despite superior evidence to the contrary. As a pathology, it is distinct from a belief based on false or incomplete information, confabulation, dogma, illusion, or other effects of perception.]
“You are smart, Sakurai-san, very smart. I’m positive you have the first one, and a high possibility of the second one…”
“So Ninomiya, Ohno and Matsumoto?”
“Are real in your head. You really have them… and they appeared just like what they’ve told you…”
“And Masaki?” Sho’s voice was now almost inaudible.
“Aiba Masaki is real, not only in your head. He was your boyfriend… and you build him as one of your alters.”
“Explain everything, please…”
The psychiatrist eyes were full of concern when he started to explain to Sho, “You already build DID when you met Aiba-san, we found out that your current life was repetition of your life after meeting Aiba-san, although there were some parts that you reversed, like the fact that Aiba-san had DID instead of you. The reason of it was blurry but we have a theory that you don’t want to feel the pain all over again, so you chose to be someone who doesn’t have DID. We have strong deduction that when you were in reversed state you didn’t remember your life at all before the point when you met Aiba-san. Thus, until you got an invitation on a reunion, Aiba-san managed to persuade you to go but you both got a train accident on the way…”
“After that accident you repeated the life again since you met him till the reunion although this current Aiba was only part of your alters together with Ninomiya, Ohno and Matsumoto. This is why we think that you developed delusion as well… You believe that you lived with Aiba-san yet you lived alone for months after that accident. Although it’s possible for you to communicate with your alters so we leave it as a possibility for now, before we examine you more…”
“Ninomiya came to give the invitation to you because no one possibly did it, it already passed, yet you needed someone to fill the hole of role so that day Ninomiya appeared in front of your house, brought the reunion invitation for Aiba-san. An invitation also sent to you before the accident by your high school friend, until that we are sure that you’ve repeated your whole life with Aiba-san…”
“How do you know?”
“I believe you write a diary every day? We are sorry but we read it Sakurai-san. That’s why we know about the repetition and the reverse… You thought you were a psychology student, in fact Aiba-san was the one who was majoring psychology and you were the art student… We were monitoring you everyday Sakurai-san, as our method to get you back by yourself.”
“So it’s possible to develop a new alter based on someone’s personality?”
“Yes, it’s possible. Though it’s impossible to copy his personality perfectly but you just wanted to keep him besides you, so it doesn’t really matter. The Aiba-san that you’ve been living with this couple of months after the accident was the image of Aiba-san in your mind…”
“Where are they now?”
“Do you have some memories that you think are not yours? Like you forget you’ve done something yet it’s in your head?”
“I do…” Sho was fighting with his own panic feelings when he suddenly remembered the accident, it was so fast and everything somersaulted. The last vision before he blacked out was the blood on Aiba’s forehead who had his lower half wedged by the chair and iron trunk of the train. His breath already stopped…
Sho wanted to lock himself to the room and run away from there when the friendly voice of the psychiatrist brought him back, “Then maybe they are merging into Sakurai Sho, the main personality…”
“Why now?” He trembled a little, trying to control back his feelings.
“For so many reasons that maybe only you know… It can be because you want all your memories back or maybe you think its convenience that way… Or it can be anything. You also stop reversing things because you have no more memories after the accident. That’s why slowly all feelings and thoughts that unfamiliar to you merge in your head. If you suddenly become so confused with your own thoughts in the train, that’s the start point to get your sanity back…” Thus Sho remembered the tingling and queer feelings he had in the train when Jun told him everything. Was this the reason?
“But… even after I understand everything, I couldn’t feel anything. I remember my parents’ accident, the rapes… and Masaki…” his voice trailed off, “But I didn’t feel any bit of sadness…”
Sho felt the guilt gnawed him, he knew he loves Aiba and he does love Aiba. But why was that sadness gone, he is supposed to feel broken yet he couldn’t feel anything and the numbness frustrated him. “That sometimes happens, when your alters merge into one, but it doesn’t mean you can’t feel anything anymore…” the psychiatric smiled understandingly.
“Will they return?”
“They maybe will or not… Either way, they always will be a part of you, Sakurai-san…”
“Will I live here?”
The psychiatrist laughed softly, “Only if you want to…”
“Will you let me see Masaki’s…” Sho felt his breath a bit ragged and now more than ever he relieved, the feelings that were still there, “…grave?”
Kihara gasped and patted his head slowly, “I’m sorry I forgot to tell you the important part…”
Sho raised his eyebrow in question, “What is it?”
“Aiba-san is still alive, he survived the accident…”
He stood up fast as both hands gripped on the table, “I- really?! Why didn’t he come to see me?”
“I’m sorry but we lost you right when you got your consciousness back … We didn’t know how to find you until Aiba-san told us and at that time you’ve already reserved and repeated things…”
The old man in front of him smiled gently, “He couldn’t meet you because he was the one who had the idea of confronting you with your own alters and encounter you with your past. You won’t think I got your apartment key easily right? He didn’t come to see you so you can find about your DID by yourself, he thinks it’s the best way… With all his access we were monitoring you easily… and the fact that he is my pupil makes me really proud. I know how hard it was to keep himself away from you, for your own sake, yet he did…”
“Can I meet him?”
“Of course you can! He is working in this centre… although he is still having a case to take care of, he will be here later at afternoon. Also, he wants you to read this before you meet him, he also said, please make sure to look at him very well from the distance, how he is now, before you decide…” Kihara pushed an envelope toward Sho then he excused himself and Andou out of the room, leaving Sho alone in the room.
He opened the letter and walked slowly toward the window. Aiba’s handwriting didn’t change, it was messy yet it warmed Sho’s heart to see it. There was a part of Aiba, the real Aiba, on his hands, the paper that he touched and the words that he thought carefully.
Sho-chan…
I miss you, terribly…
And see what did you do to me, when I’m here missing you badly, you were having fun with an imagination you made about me…
I’m here, Sho-chan… Very close to you yet you never realized…
I know I’m stupid, because I’m just feeling jealous over myself, the myself in your head… But I can’t help! I want to be Aiba Masaki in your crystal ball realm…
How I want to change place with my other self, because he could help you to go through everything once more, and keep you safe… Instead here, sitting and hoping you to be alright.
Hey Sho-chan…
Do you miss me?
Do you really miss me?
Do you really really miss me??
Like really really really miss me?
Do you still love me?
Because I still do and will always do…
But, the world outside your crystal ball realm had already changed…
And I’m no longer your old Masaki…
Yet this new Masaki still loves you so badly…
But more than anything, more than my feelings for you, I don’t want you to regret anything…
Are you ready to live outside the crystal ball, Sho-chan?
Love,
-Masaki-
Right when he finished reading the letter someone entered his vision, a young guy rolled the wheels of his wheelchair. His hair was warm brown and a wide smile plastered his handsome face, the corner of his eyes formed beautiful crease as he waved to some children who played catch and ball in front of the centre and seemed like shouting something toward them. His eyes were blurring the view of his beloved one, he wiped them roughly just to get his vision back and getting wet hands in process.
That train accident not only drove him away from his love but also took something from Aiba, yet Sho didn’t see anything change. He was still the cheerful Aiba, he was still shining brighter than the sun, the only person who was able to color his pale world. The one who compiled Sho’s shattered life one by one until he felt complete. He was still the Aiba he loves…
For the first time in his life, he felt to be needed by someone. The one he loves dearly and the one who loves him back fully. This world was only a rope that tied him away from the death until he met Aiba and he desperately wanted to be alive. Death would be easier, but death wouldn’t make him meet Aiba, life was. And for the first time in his life, he was grateful to be born and even if he could choose to be different people, he still wanted this life. He wanted to born as Sakurai Sho and loved by Aiba Masaki, and that’s the only thing matters.
Sho grabbed the pen above the table and running it over the paper in rush, then he peeked again at the love of his life outside the window to make sure he was still busy with the kids. The moment when he saw another smile from the younger guy he rushed out from the room, clutching a paper between his palm.
I will break the crystal ball realm, Masaki…
Because I want nothing but to live in the world where you exist.
Yours only,
-Sho-
-THE END-
AN : I'm really sorry! OMG I'm so so sorry because this too long dragged fic! *bows deep*
I supposed maybe some of you needed to read the previous chapter, but I hope you don't mind T^T
How is the fic? How's the ending? hahaha. Honestly it's not my original plot (that's why it took me so long to re-arrange my idea *slaps myself). I got this idea after hiatus for some months of this fic, so I hope I explained everything well, though you can always ask if you don't understand about anything. But more than anything, I hope you liked it! XD
Thanks for andreja1989 who be an awesome beta through this series <3 and maybe it can be my personal wedding present for a bride (@ista_hasma) happy wedding nee-chan! ^^v *is cheating* And of course! For you who are waiting for this fic patiently~ I can't be more grateful, Thank you so much *glomps all of you*
I have some plots on my mind, but I guess it needed to be wait haha, I won't write any chaptered fic soon I guess, or I will blame myself for being irresponsible like I just did ><"
I will appear randomly though maybe with one shots, we will see! XD
So yoroshiku onegaishimasu! ^^v
Last words for the noisy empty room? Of course I also love hug, candies and love XD
Author : lovu_lovu_aiba
Beta : andreja1989
Pairing : Sakuraiba
Genre : AU, Romance, Psychological
Rating : PG13
Disclaimer : The boys aren't mine, I really hope I own them tho XD
Summary : Sakurai Sho, an introvert and normal psychology student, his world was somersaulted after he got a confession from Aiba Masaki, a popular weirdo from music department. But how if Aiba forgot that he talked to Sho in the very next day? Or the shocking fact that Aiba has more than one personality?
Last Entry
Summer, July 14th
Masaki was so close, no more than my reach. I just needed to extend my hand a bit to touch him. Yet he was untouchable, like there was a thin glass separated us. Clear, near and frustratingly because I could almost smell his fragrance. Yet those glass was unbreakable. I couldn’t reach him, there was no place for me inside his realm. Break the glass and reach my hand Masaki, live in a world where I can protect you from everything…
To do list :
- He is nervous about the trip, think slowly before asking anything.
- Make plan B if Matsujun doesn’t want to appear and cook something for both of you. Cook something? Order something maybe better? At least it’s not life threatening.
Sho wasted his time by staring blankly outside the window, trying his best to not make any movement, afraid of his heartbeat that could possible wake his lover up. Though it was almost impossible to calm his heartbeats down as now the younger leaned his head to his shoulder, sleeping soundly as they rode the train. The older more than knew that Aiba didn’t sleep properly last night, he just pretended not to notice it when Aiba budged besides him in the mission to let Aiba think about this whole reunion carefully. He maybe didn’t show any sign of fear or shock when Sho told ‘the real Aiba’ about the reunion, but they would meet real Nino there and Sho was sure something happened back then when Aiba was still a high school student. Something that pushed him into creating Nino as one of his alters. Whatever it was, they must face it later in reunion and Sho was prepared for the worst. In some cases when someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder is pushed to face their fears they would drown immediately, throwing someone else to face it, and Sho didn’t want it to happen.
He wanted Aiba to face it…
And he wanted to be there when Aiba had to face it… He needed Aiba to understand that he wasn’t alone and would never be… as long as Sho was still breathing.
Sho stumbled back to real life when Aiba moved lightly, slowly stirred from his slumber. He immediately smiled and naturally leaned forward, expecting for a kiss when Aiba opened his eyes.
“It’s Nino,” Aiba said shortly almost indifferently before Sho successes with his invasion, and he thought he was lucky to be unsuccessful. Gasping and immediately moving away Sho mumbled something close to curse and apology at the same time.
“Sorry, I didn’t expect you to appear…” he said as he moved to the seat in front of Aiba, awkwardly eyeing the younger one who started to invade Aiba’s bag and grinned when he found his DS.
“Thank you, that’s very sweet of you,” Aiba ignored the older completely as he was now absorbed to the game he was playing.
“I’m sorry…” Sho apologized again as his lover shrugged in response, “Did something bother him?”
“You always ask the same whenever I’m in the surface, something did, yeah,” Sho stared at the younger, expecting him to continue and latter sighed after some minutes, admitting defeat over Sho’s stare, “Shit happened back then, he is nervous but doesn’t want you to know or make you worry…”
“Tell me what it is …”
Aiba raised his eyebrow in sarcastic way as he laughed, “And see you cry again?”
Sho’s cheeks went beet red as he remembered the last encounter with Jun, “It was a private conversation with Matsumoto-san!”
The younger rolled his eyes in annoyance, “It is not if you talk to someone who is sharing a body with someone else!”
Nino’s words appeared to give impact on Sho more than the other meant to. Out of the blue all things he had to do with Aiba appeared in Sho’s head. Morning kisses, all hugs and cheesy words they had shared were a public consumption. He forgot that Nino, Jun and Ohno could watch all the time. He might went overboard too much since he had a mission to make Aiba used to his touches. It worked really great since Sho didn’t notice it. Aiba would naturally kiss him when he was back home, before sleep, or when he tried to wake Sho up. Nino and Jun appeared less, except that night when Sho tried to deepen their kiss and taste his lover more. After 3 seconds of feeling the warmness of Aiba’s tongue Sho got pushed out of the bed roughly and almost collided in the night stand, or worse… kissed the floor. But he was saved and only got minor back pain, also a sleepless night in the sofa as Jun rejected to make Aiba appear again… And Sho couldn’t share the bed with anyone else but Aiba… He also didn’t want to sleep in Aiba’s flat, there was a weird urge not to leave his boyfriend far which is why Sho chose the nice couch and moved back to bed in the dawn.
At least Aiba started to trust him way more that at the start of their relationship…
Maybe all embarrassment showed clearly on his face as Aiba remarked, “I really don’t want to watch it, don’t worry…”
Sho bit his lips in order to retort back to Aiba, “Nino, really… I really don’t want to have an argument with you at the moment. I just want to know… Don’t you think now I have the right to? After all? I need to know what I am facing soon…”
Sho almost lost all his patience at the silent treatment and pushed harder, “You said I would cry again. Is it that bad?”
He was trying not to blink when Aiba stared at him, his gaze full of judgment and deliberation. In some minutes that felt like hours for Sho, Aiba gave up. “It isn’t a pleasant story really…”
Sho nodded, “I understand that much…”
Sho never saw that kind of expression from Aiba, ever. When Nino appeared in the surface he always looked smug, playful, even if sometimes he was being really serious like when he was talking about Aiba, he wouldn’t show that expression. His lips straightened in thin line and a hurtful expression appeared, as if someone asked him to remember the saddest things that happened to him. And it wasn’t purely wrong that it made Sho almost take his words back. He didn’t want to see Aiba’s hurtful expression, furthermore he prefered not to know anything than bring those bad memories back to the other alters. But he knew, it wasn’t the time to hold back anymore… he needed to counter it sooner or later.
“He used to live with his mother’s younger sister until high school, when the school expenses started to grow lots. His aunt asked help from her older brother to take Masaki to his place and split the school expenses in two, and since his lovely aunt brought up about how hard it is to manage everything with one more person inside her family, his uncle agreed to take him until he graduates from high school…”
For some reasons Aiba’s body started to sway back and front as now his palms locked together above his laps. There was a long pause as the cold sweat started to run down his temple. The only thing that Sho wanted to do is hug him and erase his pain away, but he wasn’t facing his boyfriend, it was Ninomiya he was facing at the moment. And Sho was sure, that no matter how much pain the memories cause, Nino would never appreciate a hug from Sho. So he placed his hand around the cold fists and held it reassuringly.
A pair of assertive eyes stared at him, despite his panic attack Nino was still full of pride like usual, “I’m not Masaki.”
“You are Ninomiya Kazunari I’m aware, and I know it’s hard for you… You are still part of Masaki and I don’t want you to get hurt as much as I want Masaki not to get hurt anymore…”
Something close to a smirk washed over the stern expression of Aiba when he opened his fits and gripped on Sho’s hands, “I think you are falling in love with a wrong person, Sho-san…”
“I doubt,” Sho laughed lightly when Aiba’s body stopped to tremble, “You can’t date four people who are aware that they are being cheated on without getting a slap, or two.”
“Or four,” Aiba nodded in agreement, “Although Ohno would never slap you, Masaki is not aware and I’m not dating you…”
Sho laughed and nodded, “I’m not dating anyone except Masaki, trust me, Masaki is enough to make me busy…”
“I’m sorry, Sho-san… It isn’t purely my memories though I saw it clearly in my head but it’s hard to make it into words…”
“I understand…”
He took a deep breath as he gripped on Sho’s hands harder, eyes full of determination, “Masaki knew, no one wants him. He was being thrown out from his aunt’s place. He wanted to live alone yet he was still a minor so he had no other choice except to accept it. It was just three years, and then he could leave… But…”
Aiba’s breath was ragged when he continued without a tone, almost without feelings, like he was a machine, “I couldn’t recall when, or how or what kind of shits that made it happen. His cousins started to have interest in him, in a very disgusting way. One day when their parents were out of town they cornered Masaki. They weren’t human, they were only people hungry of Masaki’s passions and they pushed Masaki to serve them, the girl wanted to be fucked, the guy wanted to fuck, they were animals!”
Aiba’s voice was getting higher the more he talked, it was almost as if he was screaming in pain as Sho rushed him to his embrace, “Shhh… I’m here, it’s okay, no one will hurt you…”
But instead calming down Aiba panicked even more, he pushed Sho away and started to scratch the back of his palms. Aiba pulled himself to the corner of the compartment and hugged his feet tightly to his chest, the back of his palms started to change to angry red color. In the panic Sho was still half relieved that no one seemed to be notice the uproar they have caused although he was scared to hell that Aiba would end up hurting himself. He wasn’t ready when Aiba broke apart because remembering his past, and now he was regretting to even ask and brought it up to Nino. He thought Nino would be calm just like Jun, but he was wrong. He was terribly wrong…
“Kazu… Kazunari, I beg you please come back to me… It’s Sho…”
“Sho… chan… Sho…”
Sho’s eyes widened, “Masaki?”
Hesitantly Sho offered his hand to the still confused and scared Aiba, the later watched him as if he was a total stranger. Tears streamed down his cheeks, “Sho-chan, I want to go home… I feel sick, I don’t know why, bring me back Sho-chan…”
Sho’d love to, he’d be glad to bring Aiba back and just live with it, forgetting about his past and all. But something… something inside his chest was telling him that he needed to dig deeper, he needed to end everything, this pain must be ended.
“We can’t Masaki… remember the reunion…”
“No, I don’t want to attend it… Sho-chan, please…”
Slowly he grasped toward the younger who flinched but didn’t try to push him back anymore. “It’s okay… You won’t be alone, I will be there…”
He felt Aiba’s still trembling palm as he pulled the younger closer to his chest, “I think I’m sick… very sick…” Aiba whispered as the other hand gripped on Sho’s back of t-shirt tightly. “I’m sick, but I don’t know what happened to me…”
“Then let’s find the healing together…”
“You won’t leave me though I’m sick?”
“Why do I have to? I can’t live without you…” Sho pressed his lips on the other’s crown of head and patted his back lightly, urging his lover to sleep. “And I know you wouldn’t leave me at the moment if our positions were reversed …”
~*~
Sho didn’t know for how long he was asleep but when he woke up Aiba was no longer in his embrace, the younger instead sat close to the window, leaning to the glass and staring to the suburban view outside. The houses started to lessen that Sho understood they were close to Aiba’s hometown. His eyes were locked to his lover who was staring outside undisturbed. He remembered the rejection earlier, when Aiba started to push him away, just like he used to be. Half of Sho’s heart crumbled, no matter what he did, Aiba was still out of reach. Yet after he heard about another piece of Aiba’s past he couldn’t blame Aiba for rejecting him. That was inhuman… Although Sho had to agree that Aiba had that kind of pheromone that would bring people gather around him.
Now he understood how hard it was for Aiba to be intimate with him, to give him a simple kiss. He did remember the feeling of trembling Aiba when they went a bit too far and he seemed like he could broke apart although Sho was only trying to calm him down. He felt a little jolt in his heart, if only I could be more understanding…
Suddenly the younger turned back at him, his eyes were calm and unreadable, Sho was familiar with those eyes, “Jun-kun?”
“Sorry, for the outburst…” Aiba nodded.
“It’s okay. Are Masaki and Nino fine?”
“Nino will be just fine, although he can’t take Masaki’s place at the moment…” Aiba looked like thinking about some stuff before he continued, “Even though Nino seemed to be the one with stable emotions among us but he understood and shared Masaki’s feelings more than Ohno and me. That’s why he was always able to answer all your questions about Masaki’s state…”
“Even so, the more he understood, the more he was drowned into it. And just now, Masaki could feel our presence because of Nino’s sudden struggle of emotions…”
I think I’m sick… very sick…
“It was my memories, the moment when I appeared. It was so dark and my hands were tied down. There were voices of a girl above me and a guy around my ear and hands that roamed and hovered over my body… Then I struggled to get free, pushed them away, running away from that damn house…”
Sho was half shocked to the sudden turn from the guy who got a panic attack into someone with blank expression, telling him the exact same story, “Where to?”
“Street, I slept in park for days until their parents back. But they accused me running away because I stole some money. Then their parents started to abuse Masaki and when they were gone Masaki would be tied down… It happened again and again… They never saw him more than a sack of punching bag and a sex slave.”
There was no sadness, no frustration in Aiba’s voice that made Sho even more worried, he couldn’t handle a tremor Aiba but this emotionless Aiba looked unbearable, “They kept hurting us, again and again, Masaki thought about nothing else but suicide at that time. So we took the control more than ever…”
There was some particular feeling in Sho’s chest that he himself couldn’t explain. The tingling and queer feeling, just like when he was trying to remember something, the answer was just between his teeth but it was unspoken. Something was missing, like the 1000 pieces of puzzle that lost one snippet. He felt so empty like he was in parallel world, closing himself from this wicked world only him with the emptiness, and that was better than anything. He didn’t want his heart because he was rather not to feel anything… He didn’t even want to be alive…
The train had already stopped when Sho’s thoughts were still running. Aiba rose up and without waiting for Sho he headed outside to the open air. The later was gathering their stuff in a rush although he was still half thinking and chasing the younger who already sat on the bench nearby. The younger followed him with his eyes as Sho stood in front of him.
“Are you ready?”
Sho who was still sunk under his own thoughts didn’t even catch how odd Aiba’s question at that time was. He was looking around and another weird sensation lingered around, he knew that place, he was very familiar with that station like he was standing there every day… thinking to throw himself to the running train… and this thoughts really scared him to death…
Because it felt so real…
Too real…
Sho blurry recalled a figure of boy in gakuran. His shoulders were hanging low, the same with his head that made his eyesight limited to a pair of filthy shoes. His steps stopped as the younger turned back at him, “Can I wait for you here?”
Aiba raised his eyebrow in question, “No, you promised Masaki that you will stay by his side.”
Sho really had nothing to argue as now he was following his lover to the small street and as much as he had no idea why, he couldn’t help the familiar feeling that was filling him. He has been there, he was sure that much at least. Although he couldn’t recall when or why, furthermore, what happened at that time…
Sho’s head was in fog when Aiba took turn to the left and they found another quiet road. There, in the end of this road… there was an old building, a high school. His hands turned cold when Aiba stopped right in front the same building. His lover turned at him, soft gazing lingering on his eyes, Sho could see his own reflection, his eyes staring back at him looked more disoriented than ever.
To his surprise Aiba extended his hand to Sho, he didn’t know when exactly was he back and why now he looked incredible calm, “Come, Sho-chan…”
“Masaki?”
Without any doubt Sho took Aiba’s hand as the later guided him toward the school. Why did it look too quiet for a reunion, no one seemed to be around. They reached the locker room yet still no one was around. Another vision about the boy in gakuran appeared again. He looked more confident, his head didn’t hang low anymore although Sho couldn’t see the face as he leaned to the locker with the right hand, the other hand busy to push his shoes between what seemed to be full locker.
Aiba dragged him further to the hallway, leaving the mysterious boy behind. Sho could imagine some students running through hallway as saying “morning’” to each other, some rushing for getting his friend’s paper since their homework were incomplete, some didn’t even bother to do it. Their steps stopped as now Aiba reached for a door and slid it open, he dragged Sho slowly through the door.
Sho’s body paralyzed when he saw Nino, Jun and a stranger guy standing inside the room, creating a small uncompleted circle. They were solid like normal human and just like he always imagined, just like Ohno’s drawings. Ohno… the stranger guy who was slightly shorter than Nino had spiky hair, his skin looked a bit dark like he was standing too long under sunlight. Ohno?
Another memory rushed through Sho’s head, the boy who hung his head low standing alone close to blackboard, seemed like he couldn’t start any conversation with anyone. He didn’t even get a chair yet, too scared to make any move. For a second the boy seemed to be troubled until he lifted his head, Sho gasped when he finally could see the boy’s face clearly. He was looking at himself, only 5 years younger. His eyes lit up with something different, different from his usual gaze yet it was very familiar. Smart, a bit sly, but very appealing… very… Nino.
He felt Aiba’s hand tighten as he dared himself to land his gaze on Nino who smirked at him, “That’s how I appeared…”
“An orphan boy who was wearing second handed gakuran, couldn’t even make friends. Afraid that people might hurt him just like his cousins did…”
Just like last piece of the puzzles placed in the last hole, everything rushed back to Sho’s brain. The hole of losing his whole family, the emptiness, his cries that were never heard, darkness, his soulless body pinned to the floor, a hand traced his chest and another pair of hands playing with his member, the smell of nauseate perfume, a hit that landed straight to his face, blood spilled to his hand. He wanted to leave, he wanted to die… anything as long as this pain would vanish. Please someone… Please take it… I am no longer able to bear it…
Then when he opened his eyes the pain was already gone… but the emptiness left… and the emptiness couldn’t be gone…
But Sho was wrong…
It was gone when he saw someone’s smile, a smile that brought his sanity back every time the past haunted him, the one he could hang to, who sow the seed of happiness inside his heart, filling Sho with life strength when his heart already died. When he was giving up of his life that person appeared, warmed Sho’s day and those terrible nightmares were gone… Someone who accepted him just the way he was…
Yet he died in a train accident with him… It wasn’t fair because he was the source of his life, someone who woke his dead soul, someone who could make all people fall for him easily. Yet he stays, he stays and loves only Sho. But he was taken first, leaving the useless Sho behind. Masaki was gone… Just like his family, just like everyone he loves dearly.
And so Sho kept him alive in his heart, forever and ever…
“We all are part of you Sho-chan…” he heard Aiba’s whisper, “We won’t let anyone hurt you…”
His eyes wandered and found Nino who gave him an amused smile while Ohno and Jun nodded to him, Aiba still gripping on his hand. I’m not alone…
“Sakurai-san…?” A hesitant voice called him as now he was alone in the room. He turned back to find a neat man standing at the door frame, smiling at him awkwardly. “I’m Andou from the centre…”
“Centre…?” Sho asked while busied his hands to wipe his tears.
“Rehabilitation…” The other observed Sho a bit before continued, “Would you come with me?”
We won’t let anyone hurt you…
‘It’s a promise, Masaki…?’
“Yes.”
~*~
The room was wide and white, there was black large table and a nice chair behind it. Sho was sitting on the other side of the table, waiting for… he didn’t even know what he was waiting for. Sho always knew that he was different even before he met Aiba, he lost track of time easily, couldn’t recall what he was doing, but he never felt as clueless as before. The thin line between reality and insanity was gone. He couldn’t differentiate which part of his life was real and which was happening only in his head. And he was feeling crazier than ever…
Someone in a white coat, his hair were grey though he looked young and friendly, entered the room as Andou followed him from behind. He offered his hand to Sho who hesitantly accepted it, “Nice to meet you, Sakurai-san. I’m Kihara.”
Sho couldn’t say that he was happy to meet the friendly guy yet he nodded, “You are…”
“Psychiatrist yes,” he smiled calmly. “How are you feeling?”
“Confused,” Sho accepted fast, he just wanted to get over everything as soon as possible, “Very…”
“What kind of confused?”
“I don’t know which one is real and which one is not…”
Kihara nodded and checked his papers for a while, “Then let’s sort out your thoughts slowly, shall we?”
Sho nodded back in approval as the psychiatrist tilted his head, “You can give me some questions and I will answer it, Sakurai-san…”
“Am I really having dissociative identity disorder [DID] or was everything a delusion?”
[A delusion is a belief held with strong conviction despite superior evidence to the contrary. As a pathology, it is distinct from a belief based on false or incomplete information, confabulation, dogma, illusion, or other effects of perception.]
“You are smart, Sakurai-san, very smart. I’m positive you have the first one, and a high possibility of the second one…”
“So Ninomiya, Ohno and Matsumoto?”
“Are real in your head. You really have them… and they appeared just like what they’ve told you…”
“And Masaki?” Sho’s voice was now almost inaudible.
“Aiba Masaki is real, not only in your head. He was your boyfriend… and you build him as one of your alters.”
“Explain everything, please…”
The psychiatrist eyes were full of concern when he started to explain to Sho, “You already build DID when you met Aiba-san, we found out that your current life was repetition of your life after meeting Aiba-san, although there were some parts that you reversed, like the fact that Aiba-san had DID instead of you. The reason of it was blurry but we have a theory that you don’t want to feel the pain all over again, so you chose to be someone who doesn’t have DID. We have strong deduction that when you were in reversed state you didn’t remember your life at all before the point when you met Aiba-san. Thus, until you got an invitation on a reunion, Aiba-san managed to persuade you to go but you both got a train accident on the way…”
“After that accident you repeated the life again since you met him till the reunion although this current Aiba was only part of your alters together with Ninomiya, Ohno and Matsumoto. This is why we think that you developed delusion as well… You believe that you lived with Aiba-san yet you lived alone for months after that accident. Although it’s possible for you to communicate with your alters so we leave it as a possibility for now, before we examine you more…”
“Ninomiya came to give the invitation to you because no one possibly did it, it already passed, yet you needed someone to fill the hole of role so that day Ninomiya appeared in front of your house, brought the reunion invitation for Aiba-san. An invitation also sent to you before the accident by your high school friend, until that we are sure that you’ve repeated your whole life with Aiba-san…”
“How do you know?”
“I believe you write a diary every day? We are sorry but we read it Sakurai-san. That’s why we know about the repetition and the reverse… You thought you were a psychology student, in fact Aiba-san was the one who was majoring psychology and you were the art student… We were monitoring you everyday Sakurai-san, as our method to get you back by yourself.”
“So it’s possible to develop a new alter based on someone’s personality?”
“Yes, it’s possible. Though it’s impossible to copy his personality perfectly but you just wanted to keep him besides you, so it doesn’t really matter. The Aiba-san that you’ve been living with this couple of months after the accident was the image of Aiba-san in your mind…”
“Where are they now?”
“Do you have some memories that you think are not yours? Like you forget you’ve done something yet it’s in your head?”
“I do…” Sho was fighting with his own panic feelings when he suddenly remembered the accident, it was so fast and everything somersaulted. The last vision before he blacked out was the blood on Aiba’s forehead who had his lower half wedged by the chair and iron trunk of the train. His breath already stopped…
Sho wanted to lock himself to the room and run away from there when the friendly voice of the psychiatrist brought him back, “Then maybe they are merging into Sakurai Sho, the main personality…”
“Why now?” He trembled a little, trying to control back his feelings.
“For so many reasons that maybe only you know… It can be because you want all your memories back or maybe you think its convenience that way… Or it can be anything. You also stop reversing things because you have no more memories after the accident. That’s why slowly all feelings and thoughts that unfamiliar to you merge in your head. If you suddenly become so confused with your own thoughts in the train, that’s the start point to get your sanity back…” Thus Sho remembered the tingling and queer feelings he had in the train when Jun told him everything. Was this the reason?
“But… even after I understand everything, I couldn’t feel anything. I remember my parents’ accident, the rapes… and Masaki…” his voice trailed off, “But I didn’t feel any bit of sadness…”
Sho felt the guilt gnawed him, he knew he loves Aiba and he does love Aiba. But why was that sadness gone, he is supposed to feel broken yet he couldn’t feel anything and the numbness frustrated him. “That sometimes happens, when your alters merge into one, but it doesn’t mean you can’t feel anything anymore…” the psychiatric smiled understandingly.
“Will they return?”
“They maybe will or not… Either way, they always will be a part of you, Sakurai-san…”
“Will I live here?”
The psychiatrist laughed softly, “Only if you want to…”
“Will you let me see Masaki’s…” Sho felt his breath a bit ragged and now more than ever he relieved, the feelings that were still there, “…grave?”
Kihara gasped and patted his head slowly, “I’m sorry I forgot to tell you the important part…”
Sho raised his eyebrow in question, “What is it?”
“Aiba-san is still alive, he survived the accident…”
He stood up fast as both hands gripped on the table, “I- really?! Why didn’t he come to see me?”
“I’m sorry but we lost you right when you got your consciousness back … We didn’t know how to find you until Aiba-san told us and at that time you’ve already reserved and repeated things…”
The old man in front of him smiled gently, “He couldn’t meet you because he was the one who had the idea of confronting you with your own alters and encounter you with your past. You won’t think I got your apartment key easily right? He didn’t come to see you so you can find about your DID by yourself, he thinks it’s the best way… With all his access we were monitoring you easily… and the fact that he is my pupil makes me really proud. I know how hard it was to keep himself away from you, for your own sake, yet he did…”
“Can I meet him?”
“Of course you can! He is working in this centre… although he is still having a case to take care of, he will be here later at afternoon. Also, he wants you to read this before you meet him, he also said, please make sure to look at him very well from the distance, how he is now, before you decide…” Kihara pushed an envelope toward Sho then he excused himself and Andou out of the room, leaving Sho alone in the room.
He opened the letter and walked slowly toward the window. Aiba’s handwriting didn’t change, it was messy yet it warmed Sho’s heart to see it. There was a part of Aiba, the real Aiba, on his hands, the paper that he touched and the words that he thought carefully.
Sho-chan…
I miss you, terribly…
And see what did you do to me, when I’m here missing you badly, you were having fun with an imagination you made about me…
I’m here, Sho-chan… Very close to you yet you never realized…
I know I’m stupid, because I’m just feeling jealous over myself, the myself in your head… But I can’t help! I want to be Aiba Masaki in your crystal ball realm…
How I want to change place with my other self, because he could help you to go through everything once more, and keep you safe… Instead here, sitting and hoping you to be alright.
Hey Sho-chan…
Do you miss me?
Do you really miss me?
Do you really really miss me??
Like really really really miss me?
Do you still love me?
Because I still do and will always do…
But, the world outside your crystal ball realm had already changed…
And I’m no longer your old Masaki…
Yet this new Masaki still loves you so badly…
But more than anything, more than my feelings for you, I don’t want you to regret anything…
Are you ready to live outside the crystal ball, Sho-chan?
Love,
-Masaki-
Right when he finished reading the letter someone entered his vision, a young guy rolled the wheels of his wheelchair. His hair was warm brown and a wide smile plastered his handsome face, the corner of his eyes formed beautiful crease as he waved to some children who played catch and ball in front of the centre and seemed like shouting something toward them. His eyes were blurring the view of his beloved one, he wiped them roughly just to get his vision back and getting wet hands in process.
That train accident not only drove him away from his love but also took something from Aiba, yet Sho didn’t see anything change. He was still the cheerful Aiba, he was still shining brighter than the sun, the only person who was able to color his pale world. The one who compiled Sho’s shattered life one by one until he felt complete. He was still the Aiba he loves…
For the first time in his life, he felt to be needed by someone. The one he loves dearly and the one who loves him back fully. This world was only a rope that tied him away from the death until he met Aiba and he desperately wanted to be alive. Death would be easier, but death wouldn’t make him meet Aiba, life was. And for the first time in his life, he was grateful to be born and even if he could choose to be different people, he still wanted this life. He wanted to born as Sakurai Sho and loved by Aiba Masaki, and that’s the only thing matters.
Sho grabbed the pen above the table and running it over the paper in rush, then he peeked again at the love of his life outside the window to make sure he was still busy with the kids. The moment when he saw another smile from the younger guy he rushed out from the room, clutching a paper between his palm.
I will break the crystal ball realm, Masaki…
Because I want nothing but to live in the world where you exist.
Yours only,
-Sho-
-THE END-
AN : I'm really sorry! OMG I'm so so sorry because this too long dragged fic! *bows deep*
I supposed maybe some of you needed to read the previous chapter, but I hope you don't mind T^T
How is the fic? How's the ending? hahaha. Honestly it's not my original plot (that's why it took me so long to re-arrange my idea *slaps myself). I got this idea after hiatus for some months of this fic, so I hope I explained everything well, though you can always ask if you don't understand about anything. But more than anything, I hope you liked it! XD
Thanks for andreja1989 who be an awesome beta through this series <3 and maybe it can be my personal wedding present for a bride (@ista_hasma) happy wedding nee-chan! ^^v *is cheating* And of course! For you who are waiting for this fic patiently~ I can't be more grateful, Thank you so much *glomps all of you*
I have some plots on my mind, but I guess it needed to be wait haha, I won't write any chaptered fic soon I guess, or I will blame myself for being irresponsible like I just did ><"
I will appear randomly though maybe with one shots, we will see! XD
So yoroshiku onegaishimasu! ^^v
Last words for the noisy empty room? Of course I also love hug, candies and love XD