[One Shot] Sho and Masaki
Title : Sho and Masaki
Author : lovu_lovu_aiba
Beta : my darling pudding ♥
Pairing : Sakuraiba, and other pairing but not that much XD
Genre : AU, Romance, Angst
Rating : R for some adult content description
Disclaimer : The boys aren't mine, I really hope I own them tho XD
Summary : This is my story, about life and death, about betrayal and loyalty, about war, blood, love... and about you.
Note : Present for my good friend andreja1989 happy birthday! and Just like I promised~ yayy~ have a blast! ^^v
The story based on a movie Tristan & Isolde as that the request from birthday girl~ I wrote this while listened to breathless and I totally imagined they were in breathless costume when I pictured them in this story. Like the picture below. Sorry for the crappy editing, hence I just cut and glued the pictures no editing at all, so you can imagine what I meant~ We can totally ignore the picture :D
Hey, Masaki…
I’ve always wondered about something…
Something deeper than the way I gave my life for you and maybe even more complicated than our destiny, if we really had one. But I thought we really have one, or at least I hoped for it, almost desperately, in a way that you would laugh of. Oh, Masaki, how I missed your laugh. How I hope I had it for myself forever. And you said I have it, you said you’re mine no matter what kind of destiny we were facing at that moment, and that would never change, and it was enough for me. But seriously Masaki, why do I love you? When did it start? Why this love is so hard for us?
Perhaps, it started when my consciousness back and your blurry image filled my vision, although I’m sure Masaki, I never saw anyone’s eyes as beautiful as yours. Did I fall in love at the first sight? To your warm touch and soft fragrance? Even my poisoned-half-dead body healed fast. But I could never forget the way you looked at me, the way you asked if I’m feeling cold, like I’m precious to you, like I were share the same thesaurus…
The book I read says nothing more than the clan across the sea was evil and barbaric. They stole my home, my parents, they stole everything from me. Their villain knights cutoff my dad’s head in front of me and threw my mom’s dead body like it’s a trash. They even pointed their swords to me, to a seven years old boy who just lost his parents, who couldn’t even read properly yet. They didn’t even flinch when they cut Matsumoto-sama’s hand, the one who saved me and gave me a new life, even new mother and sibling, Jun. They raised me like I’m originally part of them and make me learned to treasure what I own. And I swear with my blood, that I will protect them, even if I was meant to die for them, that would be my honor.
The book I read never wrote about someone in your clan could possibly have a very angelic feature, a pair of round brown eyes that always sparkling in the sunshine and full of fire when you were talking about the dolphins that could swim around freely. It says nothing about a beautiful smile that could make my heart beat raced and chocked on my own words. Every part of you screamed of perfection, including your nonsense babbling, no balance nature and of course your pure heart. How you never see me as your enemy, but someone who need your help. For you every human has same right to live, no matter they were murderer or monk. Masaki, when people believed that I was dead, you keep me alive and you make me even more alive than ever.
Hey, Masaki… Maybe it started when you told me that you don’t believe in happy ending. There was no happily ever after, you said. Because life must goes on and never stay at one point. Like the story about princess with the glass shoes that you’ve told me, what happened after she married the price? Will her siblings accept it just like that? Will that wedding keep her away from her stepmother forever? Will the prince love her forever? It’s not the end, it was another start. But I didn’t believe in it also, the book I read says nothing about happy ending, they only taught me how to survive and how to kill without getting killed. They never taught me to dream, and you said that you used to have one but now it was too painful to dream. Because you are not a princess and never own a pair of beautiful glass shoes. But I believed in my eyes when I see those fire again as you told me about your adoration of the bird’s wings. You still have it right, Masaki? You wanted to be free.
I might be already fall when we prefer to stay on the beach longer than it needed, because really… You don’t need the whole day to check my wound, yet you did, and stayed. No matter how long Ninomiya, your best friend, nagged you for staying too long with me you remained still. I might never get along well with Nino, as you called him, but I couldn’t be more grateful to him for spill nothing about my existence. Just one word and my head would be cut off. It’s not like he cared about me that much, he only wanted to protect you, well I mean, who wasn’t?
He always escorted you to meet me, right? No matter how annoyed he would be whenever he met me he would still do it. He complained, again and again, and again, but I could see how much he cared for you and want you to be happy. That’s why he always walks away after he made sure you reached my cave safely, or maybe, he simply doesn’t want to see us, or those things we did. As much as I loved it, it is unpleasant to see your best friend staring at us when we kiss right?
Were you happy back then Masaki? Although your smiles never lied but I couldn’t stop but feel unconfident. Could I make you happy? As much as the happiness you gave to me? Can we stay like this, in this cave, only the two of us, forever? These are enough for me, you and the cave could be my world forever. ‘Tempting’ you said and you still wanted the beach because cave’s floor was rugged and I had tendencies to do it roughly. But I had a theory that you just wanted to do it in the beach, and honestly I liked the idea so much.
I fell so hard, literally, when your eyes reflected only my face. Then everything was forgotten, your clan, my clan and everything in between, Nino, the war, or whatsoever, only you and me and that was enough.
You chanted my name relentless and that melody is my favorite song. Your eyes, your lips, every curve of your body are mine, mine and only mine. See Masaki, what you changed me into? I’m greedy, I wanted nothing but you.
We didn’t care about Ninomiya anymore, we wasted no time to kiss each other although he was still inside the radar, ignoring his fake annoyed coughs. You made me addicted, to your moans, to your touches, to your smiles even to your heart beats that would rattle fast when we made love. You brought me high, too high until I was drunk and I knew it would be hurt if I fell. You are everything I want, I loved how you change my mood instantly with your smiles, or when you flick your eyes to get me in, how you pull me down so I could reach deeper into you, or how you clutch onto me when we throw ourselves over the edge. Masaki… loving you was intoxicated.
But everything ended too fast, the most beautiful moment in my life gone when they found out about me. I remembered your panic face when you asked me to go. But where to? You are my world now. You told me to stop being reckless because you wanted nothing but to keep me alive. But seriously Masaki? What did you expect? My existence without you?
I’ve proposed for you to go with me, if we can’t get back to my place then we could live in the jungle or whatever, because really, I don’t even care as long as I’m with you. For a second those fire back to your eyes but it faint fast as you kissed me, ‘I love you, go!’ that’s all you said. Your eyes were telling me that we supposed to know this must end that way, sooner or later. There was no way for us to be together, forever, and we already knew it since it started.
We kissed, we hugged and felt each other for maybe, the last time? I felt like dying when I realized that I couldn’t feel your warmth and smell your sweet scent anymore, nor to see your smile. I’ve to let go the best thing in my life when you kissed me for the last time and said, “Please! I want you to be alive Sho-chan! Promise me!”
I saw you struggled with your words when I give no response, you were panicking I knew. You thought I would do something stupid and you weren’t fully wrong. And you used it, the words that I couldn’t possibly decline, “Stay alive for me, please?”
For you…
You knew I’m weak with it, you knew I will agree to do everything for you. You are egoist Masaki, you’ve killed me by asking me to stay alive, yet you persistent. Then you freed yourself from my embrace and ran away, ran and never once looked back. Yet I understood that if you do so, you would waver with your own decision and I would run after you.
With your stubborn ‘I want Sho to be alive’ theory, you walked away from me.
Do you know, Masaki? That I came back like a hero. Someone who sentenced already die, even got the tribute funeral, back without losing anything, except his heart. But of course they didn’t need to know about it. They asked me how I survived but I told them nothing. I wanted to keep the story about you, about us, for myself.
My grief for you couldn’t be forgotten even after Satoshi gave me Jun’s right hand position. Apparently, lot of things have changed when I was gone, Matsumoto-sama died in a battle with your clan and now Jun leads us. No one as admirable as him, he is strong and wise and I will serve him with my sword till my last blood spill. That’s why when he wanted to win a noble from your clan so our clans could work things together, I proposed to win the battle for him and brought him a fiancé. It wasn’t my part really, right hand wasn’t supposed to do dirty job like that and Jun forbad me to do so, but I needed to go there and meet you. If I won the battle then I could freely meet you as our clans have united, cheater, but that’s my genuine goal. I win him a fiancé and I win a battle for us to be together, even I lose I might positively meet you, since I heard that people who served the noble named Ninomiya. If Ninomiya was the bloodline who stayed behind the noble then you won’t be that far from my grasp right? Since you was always together with a particular Ninomiya. Did you have any relation with noble of your clan, Masaki? Why didn’t you tell me, now I just realized that I didn’t even know your last name.
But I knew we will meet again, Masaki… I just knew that our destiny hasn’t end yet…
It wasn’t that hard for me to win since Matsumoto-sama trained me hard since I was kid, Jun was the only one who could beat me badly. Jun and someone from you clan who apparently killed in the last battle with me, the one who brought me into torpor because his poisoned sword also. The last I knew that he was the crown noble’s fiancé, how harsh the destiny for this particular noble, Masaki? I killed his fiancé and now I would get him to marry Jun.
This battle wasn’t hard for me, Masaki. It wasn’t if my concentration not split to anywhere, I was looking for you almost desperately. But until my wooden sword knocked the last participant you were nowhere to be seen. Yes, I saw Ninomiya stood right behind your leader, a bit under the shadow as I knew, his eyes recognized me.
Just when I though we couldn’t meet again, you has appeared, when your leader announced my victory. You was as beautiful as I remembered although you looked a bit skinny and pale for my concern, there was trace of tears in your eyes when you rushed under the sun to meet my eyes. “I’m yours, Sakurai Sho! I’m yours!”
My world collided, scattered as your father said, “No, he won you for his leader, Matsumoto Jun.”
~*~
I asked you once Masaki… to reach on my hand and we could run from this harsh destiny of us. I did once and you neglected it. You were choosing whatever it is behind you instead of me. But now, you beg me to spare your heart, ask me to take you away. Why now Masaki? Why? After I won you for him, for my leader, the one I devoted my loyalty. I couldn’t betray him, while his father was the one who gave me a life and a place where I could feel useful, he gave me a family. He gave me life, to meet you.
“Sho-chan, please… I can’t do this…”
Neither did I, have you ever think how I feel to see you with another guy, no matter it was Jun or not. But more than anything because it’s Jun, my brother, and I knew what he capable to do. He could make you happy, maybe even more than me. He can give you everything I couldn’t.
“Please, don’t do this to me, Sho… Please…”
It’s too late and everything we had has to fall into oblivion. I couldn’t stab my brother’s back and don’t say it like only your heart that shattered, giving you to him was like deprived my heart from its place with bare hands. I never feel as pain as this, even leaving by you wasn’t this hurt. At least I still can live with my thought that you will remember me from time to time. But now, I live in the same place with you, seeing you become his, wanted someone that won’t be mine, ever.
It was like hell, Masaki… to see you laugh for Jun, smile for Jun, talk to Jun and stand beside him. Everything seems so natural, who won’t be happy to see you and him together except me? People adored you, they respected Jun and told you nonstop bout how lucky you are to marry him and vice versa.
I knew he was in love with you, I never see him so happy and I was sick of myself because there were some moments when I wanted to take his happiness away. It was disgusting, for me to take someone precious to him. I was sick of myself because whenever I saw he kissed you I wanted to pull him away and telling how I found you first, how I fell for you for so long. As much as my respect for him I still couldn’t stand to see how easily he landed his hand over your waist, how I wanted to do so and how he had right to do it instead of me.
You looked happy, finally, you were free right Masaki? Now I know you wanted to be free from your father. You have all that you want, freedom and a guy who loves you dearly. You acted like you didn’t know me, like us never existed. It’s sickening, Masaki. How easy you erased me from your life, like I meant nothing for you. The more I look at you from the shadow the more my heart burnt down with grudge and hates. I hate Jun for taking you away, I hate you for not resisting, I hate myself for letting all these happened and I hate myself for hating you and him.
Again, I found myself staring at you, I didn’t know when it would stop or maybe it just won’t. You laughed again, over whatever Jun said into your ear. For a second I caught your eyes landed on me, but of course it was only my imagination since again you pretended that I was just a wall. Your eyes back to Jun again as now it was your chance to whisper something to him. Of course, of course you have to do that in front of me!
I was ready to destroy whatever close to me when you pulled me behind the wall and for the first time I saw you looking at me directly. For the first time after your wedding I saw my own reflection in your eyes. “What do you want, Sho?”
What do I want? You asked.
What the fuck I want?! I never ask more than having you!
I blurted everything, about how easy you forgot about me, about how happy you are, about how hurt I was to see you from afar, only to see you forgetting about me slowly. Your lips trembled when a drop of tear streamed down your cheek, you never cried… not even when you walked away from me. You was tough enough…
“What do you want me to do Sho? I did what you asked me to! I married to him in order to keep your honor and loyalty! And now you want me to grief for you forever and never taste happiness anymore?! For your information Sakurai Sho, you don’t need to ask me, I keep mourning us, faking my laugh, pretending to smile like a beautiful doll! Now, are you happy?!”
“Do you think it’s easy for me to have you around but holding myself thinking about yo-hhhhh!”
I tasted it again, our sinful love, how I missed your body against mine, your warm breath on my neck and your heart beats. I hugged you and the stolen moments we shared in the cave back. We closed our hearts and we betrayed the world. I didn’t understand what was in my mind at that moment. This love blinded me and even closed my heart, till the point where I don’t even care to hurt anyone to have you. We kept it as our little secret, ours and Ninomiya’s little secret, since he was the one who kept you safe when Jun was looking at you. We spent night by night in the ruin that used to be my quarters with Jun when we were boys. We used to share our toys and small wooden sword there, now we even shared a lover, only that he didn’t know.
I knew it was shameful and unfair to do this kind of things to someone as nice as Jun, but I couldn’t control it. Once I touched you, I couldn’t step back anymore. My urge to mark you and showed an open challenge to Jun almost unbearable. The hours we spent in the ruin becomes my life line, you were the potion that keep me alive. I blinded myself from everything you did with Jun at night, every day, every second, my love was uncontrollable. I own you for mere hours and letting you to be together with another guy, it wasn’t like I accepted it that way. It was more to I didn’t have any other way to have you, even if I have to share you with Jun I would gladly take it.
Your sleeping figure in my arm smoothed over me and I promised not to let you go anymore, even if I have to love you secretly, even if I have to swallow my pride and sacrifice my loyalty. There was nothing I wanted more than spending my time with you although the hours felt like seconds when finally you have to run back to the palace, leaving the temporary emptiness that you fill in again when you were back in my arms.
I liked to see my mother’s necklace over your neck, it was the only thing left from her and you kept saying that you don’t deserve to have it, but seriously, if you don’t then no one does. I didn’t know the things you made to explain the necklace to Jun but you wear it every day and it flattered me to no end. The black necklace that seemed contrast with your skin, it was simple yet I caught you caressed it from time to time. A gesture that made me smile but created a frown between Jun’s eyebrows.
Once he asked me Masaki… If you loved him, if his love wasn’t one sided. Jun said that you was in his grasp but your heart always out of his reach. He started to feel suspicious toward you… Although he never knew that you sneaked out every night to meet me but he wasn’t stupid. He knew if someone didn’t feel something toward him. That… when the guilty feeling ate me up. He trusted everything, even his life to me but the only thing I gave to him was a betrayal. Yet, I couldn’t stop, so I did the only thing that I possibly do, telling him that you loved him and even if you didn’t at the moment, you would eventually. Little he knew that you wouldn’t… because I wouldn’t let that happen. Jun might be having you physically but I won’t give up your heart for him.
There were few times you asked me Masaki, would there be an ending for this? Someone who didn’t believe on happy ending wanted an ending… But I couldn’t give you any answer… I was afraid of the things that might come out from my lips, realistic theory that I tried to drive away.
Nothing could stop us, from committing this sin… for loving each other. Until that night your father visited to negotiate the peace treaty and caught us red handed on his ride with Jun. I’m sorry because I didn’t release you hand, Masaki… I didn’t, even when I saw how angry and disappointed Jun’s face was. Of course, what did I expect him to do? His right hand and his consort cheated on him, furthermore his right hand was someone who saved by his own father and grown up together with him. If I was in his position I might already cut off the betrayal head but he only ordered his knights to fling me into the jail.
Later I found that the treaty already broken and now your clan and half of mine attacked Jun, while he made sure to talk to me, someone who didn’t even deserve to be seen anymore. He asked me about you, about us, about our love that bloomed far before I won you for him. Masaki… I don’t deserve to talk to this guy anymore…But he pulled me and pushed me to the open door. “Go to the river before I change my mind!”
And I found you there, waiting with Ninomiya clutching on you protectively…
“Sho-chan…”
But I heard the screams back in the palace, I heard the slashed of swords and I knew it wasn’t my time to go yet. I can’t leave while Jun and his loyal knights defended the clan. For the last time… for the last time I wanted to feel your warmth, your lips that freeze between mine. I embraced you to make sure that you was real, that us were real. And with that I ran back, leaving you who screamed my name and Ninomiya who restrained you from running after me.
I wanted to end this war Masaki… so at least I could pay for the mistake I’ve done, my betrayal toward Jun and the broken of peace treaty. For the people who had to spill blood for my egoism, I had to end it. Jun called me stupid but I didn’t care anymore, he could insult me as much as he liked but I won’t back off. Jun was very typical, like usual he wanted to talk to his people to bring the peace. Yeah, to the mad people outside, he wouldn’t even raise his sword, he was a saint that believed blood won’t bring anything good.
Jun ordered Satoshi to open the gate as now he yelled the word of peace. But as I expected, everything went so fast and arrows coming fast right targeting Jun’s left chest. I threw myself in front of him and felt the thick arrow snag my skin, dig to my chest. My body slumped to the ground yet I couldn’t feel anything, except the blood rushing through my veins. The adrenalin erased all my pain although the blood flooded my hands that gripped to the arrow. Jun gripped my back and supporting half of my body as he screamed rapidly to the rest of the soldiers.
“Sho? Are you okay?”
In one swift movement I pulled out the arrow and heard my own groaned when Jun threw the shaft away. I felt my consciousness drifted away as now there was black spots on my eyes. I have to meet him, one more time… I wanted to meet him. I pulled Jun by his collar and trying to form more words, he looked at me as he nodded. He half dragged and held me with him out of the battleship. Cursed, slashed swords and the smell of iron of blood, everything sounded afar.
“SHO!”
Masaki…
Your face entered my blurred vision, your tears damped your cheeks when you grasped onto me, “Sho-chan…”
I wanted this black spots to be gone so I could see your face clearly. There were lots of things that I haven’t tell you, I wanted to apologize for being the reason of your misery, to be the one that caused you only pain and never letting you to be happy. While having your smiles as my treasure I’m always egoist enough to seize it from you. Maybe it will be better for you to never meet me, and fall for Jun instead.
“Sho-chan… don’t leave me, please…”
Oh, I won’t. I won’t leave you ever. We will leave soon, to a place where no one could find us, where we don’t need to hide. To a place where we can love each other without thinking that falling for each other were wrong. Because Masaki, my love for you was the only thing that is right in my life.
I tried my all to form a phrase with my arid throat as I reached for your cheek and wipe away the tears, nothing to cry about Masaki, because the pain will be ended soon, “I love you…”
You nip your lower lips when I felt another tears fell down your cheek, but now you’re smiling to me, the smile I always adore, “Idiot, I love you too!”
If I had more strength I might kiss you breathless, but no… my grip weakened and your face was getting more and more blurry until the pitch black blinded my eyes.
Don’t cry, Masaki…
Because we will meet again in another life…
Don’t cry…
Because at that time I will fall in love with you all over again…
Again… and again…
-FIN-
AN : How was it? hahaha. I kinda tried new writing style and it was fun so? What do you think? XD
And sorry for the angst on birthday~ ^^;
Author : lovu_lovu_aiba
Beta : my darling pudding ♥
Pairing : Sakuraiba, and other pairing but not that much XD
Genre : AU, Romance, Angst
Rating : R for some adult content description
Disclaimer : The boys aren't mine, I really hope I own them tho XD
Summary : This is my story, about life and death, about betrayal and loyalty, about war, blood, love... and about you.
Note : Present for my good friend andreja1989 happy birthday! and Just like I promised~ yayy~ have a blast! ^^v
The story based on a movie Tristan & Isolde as that the request from birthday girl~ I wrote this while listened to breathless and I totally imagined they were in breathless costume when I pictured them in this story. Like the picture below. Sorry for the crappy editing, hence I just cut and glued the pictures no editing at all, so you can imagine what I meant~ We can totally ignore the picture :D
Hey, Masaki…
I’ve always wondered about something…
Something deeper than the way I gave my life for you and maybe even more complicated than our destiny, if we really had one. But I thought we really have one, or at least I hoped for it, almost desperately, in a way that you would laugh of. Oh, Masaki, how I missed your laugh. How I hope I had it for myself forever. And you said I have it, you said you’re mine no matter what kind of destiny we were facing at that moment, and that would never change, and it was enough for me. But seriously Masaki, why do I love you? When did it start? Why this love is so hard for us?
Perhaps, it started when my consciousness back and your blurry image filled my vision, although I’m sure Masaki, I never saw anyone’s eyes as beautiful as yours. Did I fall in love at the first sight? To your warm touch and soft fragrance? Even my poisoned-half-dead body healed fast. But I could never forget the way you looked at me, the way you asked if I’m feeling cold, like I’m precious to you, like I were share the same thesaurus…
The book I read says nothing more than the clan across the sea was evil and barbaric. They stole my home, my parents, they stole everything from me. Their villain knights cutoff my dad’s head in front of me and threw my mom’s dead body like it’s a trash. They even pointed their swords to me, to a seven years old boy who just lost his parents, who couldn’t even read properly yet. They didn’t even flinch when they cut Matsumoto-sama’s hand, the one who saved me and gave me a new life, even new mother and sibling, Jun. They raised me like I’m originally part of them and make me learned to treasure what I own. And I swear with my blood, that I will protect them, even if I was meant to die for them, that would be my honor.
The book I read never wrote about someone in your clan could possibly have a very angelic feature, a pair of round brown eyes that always sparkling in the sunshine and full of fire when you were talking about the dolphins that could swim around freely. It says nothing about a beautiful smile that could make my heart beat raced and chocked on my own words. Every part of you screamed of perfection, including your nonsense babbling, no balance nature and of course your pure heart. How you never see me as your enemy, but someone who need your help. For you every human has same right to live, no matter they were murderer or monk. Masaki, when people believed that I was dead, you keep me alive and you make me even more alive than ever.
Hey, Masaki… Maybe it started when you told me that you don’t believe in happy ending. There was no happily ever after, you said. Because life must goes on and never stay at one point. Like the story about princess with the glass shoes that you’ve told me, what happened after she married the price? Will her siblings accept it just like that? Will that wedding keep her away from her stepmother forever? Will the prince love her forever? It’s not the end, it was another start. But I didn’t believe in it also, the book I read says nothing about happy ending, they only taught me how to survive and how to kill without getting killed. They never taught me to dream, and you said that you used to have one but now it was too painful to dream. Because you are not a princess and never own a pair of beautiful glass shoes. But I believed in my eyes when I see those fire again as you told me about your adoration of the bird’s wings. You still have it right, Masaki? You wanted to be free.
I might be already fall when we prefer to stay on the beach longer than it needed, because really… You don’t need the whole day to check my wound, yet you did, and stayed. No matter how long Ninomiya, your best friend, nagged you for staying too long with me you remained still. I might never get along well with Nino, as you called him, but I couldn’t be more grateful to him for spill nothing about my existence. Just one word and my head would be cut off. It’s not like he cared about me that much, he only wanted to protect you, well I mean, who wasn’t?
He always escorted you to meet me, right? No matter how annoyed he would be whenever he met me he would still do it. He complained, again and again, and again, but I could see how much he cared for you and want you to be happy. That’s why he always walks away after he made sure you reached my cave safely, or maybe, he simply doesn’t want to see us, or those things we did. As much as I loved it, it is unpleasant to see your best friend staring at us when we kiss right?
Were you happy back then Masaki? Although your smiles never lied but I couldn’t stop but feel unconfident. Could I make you happy? As much as the happiness you gave to me? Can we stay like this, in this cave, only the two of us, forever? These are enough for me, you and the cave could be my world forever. ‘Tempting’ you said and you still wanted the beach because cave’s floor was rugged and I had tendencies to do it roughly. But I had a theory that you just wanted to do it in the beach, and honestly I liked the idea so much.
I fell so hard, literally, when your eyes reflected only my face. Then everything was forgotten, your clan, my clan and everything in between, Nino, the war, or whatsoever, only you and me and that was enough.
You chanted my name relentless and that melody is my favorite song. Your eyes, your lips, every curve of your body are mine, mine and only mine. See Masaki, what you changed me into? I’m greedy, I wanted nothing but you.
We didn’t care about Ninomiya anymore, we wasted no time to kiss each other although he was still inside the radar, ignoring his fake annoyed coughs. You made me addicted, to your moans, to your touches, to your smiles even to your heart beats that would rattle fast when we made love. You brought me high, too high until I was drunk and I knew it would be hurt if I fell. You are everything I want, I loved how you change my mood instantly with your smiles, or when you flick your eyes to get me in, how you pull me down so I could reach deeper into you, or how you clutch onto me when we throw ourselves over the edge. Masaki… loving you was intoxicated.
But everything ended too fast, the most beautiful moment in my life gone when they found out about me. I remembered your panic face when you asked me to go. But where to? You are my world now. You told me to stop being reckless because you wanted nothing but to keep me alive. But seriously Masaki? What did you expect? My existence without you?
I’ve proposed for you to go with me, if we can’t get back to my place then we could live in the jungle or whatever, because really, I don’t even care as long as I’m with you. For a second those fire back to your eyes but it faint fast as you kissed me, ‘I love you, go!’ that’s all you said. Your eyes were telling me that we supposed to know this must end that way, sooner or later. There was no way for us to be together, forever, and we already knew it since it started.
We kissed, we hugged and felt each other for maybe, the last time? I felt like dying when I realized that I couldn’t feel your warmth and smell your sweet scent anymore, nor to see your smile. I’ve to let go the best thing in my life when you kissed me for the last time and said, “Please! I want you to be alive Sho-chan! Promise me!”
I saw you struggled with your words when I give no response, you were panicking I knew. You thought I would do something stupid and you weren’t fully wrong. And you used it, the words that I couldn’t possibly decline, “Stay alive for me, please?”
For you…
You knew I’m weak with it, you knew I will agree to do everything for you. You are egoist Masaki, you’ve killed me by asking me to stay alive, yet you persistent. Then you freed yourself from my embrace and ran away, ran and never once looked back. Yet I understood that if you do so, you would waver with your own decision and I would run after you.
With your stubborn ‘I want Sho to be alive’ theory, you walked away from me.
Do you know, Masaki? That I came back like a hero. Someone who sentenced already die, even got the tribute funeral, back without losing anything, except his heart. But of course they didn’t need to know about it. They asked me how I survived but I told them nothing. I wanted to keep the story about you, about us, for myself.
My grief for you couldn’t be forgotten even after Satoshi gave me Jun’s right hand position. Apparently, lot of things have changed when I was gone, Matsumoto-sama died in a battle with your clan and now Jun leads us. No one as admirable as him, he is strong and wise and I will serve him with my sword till my last blood spill. That’s why when he wanted to win a noble from your clan so our clans could work things together, I proposed to win the battle for him and brought him a fiancé. It wasn’t my part really, right hand wasn’t supposed to do dirty job like that and Jun forbad me to do so, but I needed to go there and meet you. If I won the battle then I could freely meet you as our clans have united, cheater, but that’s my genuine goal. I win him a fiancé and I win a battle for us to be together, even I lose I might positively meet you, since I heard that people who served the noble named Ninomiya. If Ninomiya was the bloodline who stayed behind the noble then you won’t be that far from my grasp right? Since you was always together with a particular Ninomiya. Did you have any relation with noble of your clan, Masaki? Why didn’t you tell me, now I just realized that I didn’t even know your last name.
But I knew we will meet again, Masaki… I just knew that our destiny hasn’t end yet…
It wasn’t that hard for me to win since Matsumoto-sama trained me hard since I was kid, Jun was the only one who could beat me badly. Jun and someone from you clan who apparently killed in the last battle with me, the one who brought me into torpor because his poisoned sword also. The last I knew that he was the crown noble’s fiancé, how harsh the destiny for this particular noble, Masaki? I killed his fiancé and now I would get him to marry Jun.
This battle wasn’t hard for me, Masaki. It wasn’t if my concentration not split to anywhere, I was looking for you almost desperately. But until my wooden sword knocked the last participant you were nowhere to be seen. Yes, I saw Ninomiya stood right behind your leader, a bit under the shadow as I knew, his eyes recognized me.
Just when I though we couldn’t meet again, you has appeared, when your leader announced my victory. You was as beautiful as I remembered although you looked a bit skinny and pale for my concern, there was trace of tears in your eyes when you rushed under the sun to meet my eyes. “I’m yours, Sakurai Sho! I’m yours!”
My world collided, scattered as your father said, “No, he won you for his leader, Matsumoto Jun.”
~*~
I asked you once Masaki… to reach on my hand and we could run from this harsh destiny of us. I did once and you neglected it. You were choosing whatever it is behind you instead of me. But now, you beg me to spare your heart, ask me to take you away. Why now Masaki? Why? After I won you for him, for my leader, the one I devoted my loyalty. I couldn’t betray him, while his father was the one who gave me a life and a place where I could feel useful, he gave me a family. He gave me life, to meet you.
“Sho-chan, please… I can’t do this…”
Neither did I, have you ever think how I feel to see you with another guy, no matter it was Jun or not. But more than anything because it’s Jun, my brother, and I knew what he capable to do. He could make you happy, maybe even more than me. He can give you everything I couldn’t.
“Please, don’t do this to me, Sho… Please…”
It’s too late and everything we had has to fall into oblivion. I couldn’t stab my brother’s back and don’t say it like only your heart that shattered, giving you to him was like deprived my heart from its place with bare hands. I never feel as pain as this, even leaving by you wasn’t this hurt. At least I still can live with my thought that you will remember me from time to time. But now, I live in the same place with you, seeing you become his, wanted someone that won’t be mine, ever.
It was like hell, Masaki… to see you laugh for Jun, smile for Jun, talk to Jun and stand beside him. Everything seems so natural, who won’t be happy to see you and him together except me? People adored you, they respected Jun and told you nonstop bout how lucky you are to marry him and vice versa.
I knew he was in love with you, I never see him so happy and I was sick of myself because there were some moments when I wanted to take his happiness away. It was disgusting, for me to take someone precious to him. I was sick of myself because whenever I saw he kissed you I wanted to pull him away and telling how I found you first, how I fell for you for so long. As much as my respect for him I still couldn’t stand to see how easily he landed his hand over your waist, how I wanted to do so and how he had right to do it instead of me.
You looked happy, finally, you were free right Masaki? Now I know you wanted to be free from your father. You have all that you want, freedom and a guy who loves you dearly. You acted like you didn’t know me, like us never existed. It’s sickening, Masaki. How easy you erased me from your life, like I meant nothing for you. The more I look at you from the shadow the more my heart burnt down with grudge and hates. I hate Jun for taking you away, I hate you for not resisting, I hate myself for letting all these happened and I hate myself for hating you and him.
Again, I found myself staring at you, I didn’t know when it would stop or maybe it just won’t. You laughed again, over whatever Jun said into your ear. For a second I caught your eyes landed on me, but of course it was only my imagination since again you pretended that I was just a wall. Your eyes back to Jun again as now it was your chance to whisper something to him. Of course, of course you have to do that in front of me!
I was ready to destroy whatever close to me when you pulled me behind the wall and for the first time I saw you looking at me directly. For the first time after your wedding I saw my own reflection in your eyes. “What do you want, Sho?”
What do I want? You asked.
What the fuck I want?! I never ask more than having you!
I blurted everything, about how easy you forgot about me, about how happy you are, about how hurt I was to see you from afar, only to see you forgetting about me slowly. Your lips trembled when a drop of tear streamed down your cheek, you never cried… not even when you walked away from me. You was tough enough…
“What do you want me to do Sho? I did what you asked me to! I married to him in order to keep your honor and loyalty! And now you want me to grief for you forever and never taste happiness anymore?! For your information Sakurai Sho, you don’t need to ask me, I keep mourning us, faking my laugh, pretending to smile like a beautiful doll! Now, are you happy?!”
“Do you think it’s easy for me to have you around but holding myself thinking about yo-hhhhh!”
I tasted it again, our sinful love, how I missed your body against mine, your warm breath on my neck and your heart beats. I hugged you and the stolen moments we shared in the cave back. We closed our hearts and we betrayed the world. I didn’t understand what was in my mind at that moment. This love blinded me and even closed my heart, till the point where I don’t even care to hurt anyone to have you. We kept it as our little secret, ours and Ninomiya’s little secret, since he was the one who kept you safe when Jun was looking at you. We spent night by night in the ruin that used to be my quarters with Jun when we were boys. We used to share our toys and small wooden sword there, now we even shared a lover, only that he didn’t know.
I knew it was shameful and unfair to do this kind of things to someone as nice as Jun, but I couldn’t control it. Once I touched you, I couldn’t step back anymore. My urge to mark you and showed an open challenge to Jun almost unbearable. The hours we spent in the ruin becomes my life line, you were the potion that keep me alive. I blinded myself from everything you did with Jun at night, every day, every second, my love was uncontrollable. I own you for mere hours and letting you to be together with another guy, it wasn’t like I accepted it that way. It was more to I didn’t have any other way to have you, even if I have to share you with Jun I would gladly take it.
Your sleeping figure in my arm smoothed over me and I promised not to let you go anymore, even if I have to love you secretly, even if I have to swallow my pride and sacrifice my loyalty. There was nothing I wanted more than spending my time with you although the hours felt like seconds when finally you have to run back to the palace, leaving the temporary emptiness that you fill in again when you were back in my arms.
I liked to see my mother’s necklace over your neck, it was the only thing left from her and you kept saying that you don’t deserve to have it, but seriously, if you don’t then no one does. I didn’t know the things you made to explain the necklace to Jun but you wear it every day and it flattered me to no end. The black necklace that seemed contrast with your skin, it was simple yet I caught you caressed it from time to time. A gesture that made me smile but created a frown between Jun’s eyebrows.
Once he asked me Masaki… If you loved him, if his love wasn’t one sided. Jun said that you was in his grasp but your heart always out of his reach. He started to feel suspicious toward you… Although he never knew that you sneaked out every night to meet me but he wasn’t stupid. He knew if someone didn’t feel something toward him. That… when the guilty feeling ate me up. He trusted everything, even his life to me but the only thing I gave to him was a betrayal. Yet, I couldn’t stop, so I did the only thing that I possibly do, telling him that you loved him and even if you didn’t at the moment, you would eventually. Little he knew that you wouldn’t… because I wouldn’t let that happen. Jun might be having you physically but I won’t give up your heart for him.
There were few times you asked me Masaki, would there be an ending for this? Someone who didn’t believe on happy ending wanted an ending… But I couldn’t give you any answer… I was afraid of the things that might come out from my lips, realistic theory that I tried to drive away.
Nothing could stop us, from committing this sin… for loving each other. Until that night your father visited to negotiate the peace treaty and caught us red handed on his ride with Jun. I’m sorry because I didn’t release you hand, Masaki… I didn’t, even when I saw how angry and disappointed Jun’s face was. Of course, what did I expect him to do? His right hand and his consort cheated on him, furthermore his right hand was someone who saved by his own father and grown up together with him. If I was in his position I might already cut off the betrayal head but he only ordered his knights to fling me into the jail.
Later I found that the treaty already broken and now your clan and half of mine attacked Jun, while he made sure to talk to me, someone who didn’t even deserve to be seen anymore. He asked me about you, about us, about our love that bloomed far before I won you for him. Masaki… I don’t deserve to talk to this guy anymore…But he pulled me and pushed me to the open door. “Go to the river before I change my mind!”
And I found you there, waiting with Ninomiya clutching on you protectively…
“Sho-chan…”
But I heard the screams back in the palace, I heard the slashed of swords and I knew it wasn’t my time to go yet. I can’t leave while Jun and his loyal knights defended the clan. For the last time… for the last time I wanted to feel your warmth, your lips that freeze between mine. I embraced you to make sure that you was real, that us were real. And with that I ran back, leaving you who screamed my name and Ninomiya who restrained you from running after me.
I wanted to end this war Masaki… so at least I could pay for the mistake I’ve done, my betrayal toward Jun and the broken of peace treaty. For the people who had to spill blood for my egoism, I had to end it. Jun called me stupid but I didn’t care anymore, he could insult me as much as he liked but I won’t back off. Jun was very typical, like usual he wanted to talk to his people to bring the peace. Yeah, to the mad people outside, he wouldn’t even raise his sword, he was a saint that believed blood won’t bring anything good.
Jun ordered Satoshi to open the gate as now he yelled the word of peace. But as I expected, everything went so fast and arrows coming fast right targeting Jun’s left chest. I threw myself in front of him and felt the thick arrow snag my skin, dig to my chest. My body slumped to the ground yet I couldn’t feel anything, except the blood rushing through my veins. The adrenalin erased all my pain although the blood flooded my hands that gripped to the arrow. Jun gripped my back and supporting half of my body as he screamed rapidly to the rest of the soldiers.
“Sho? Are you okay?”
In one swift movement I pulled out the arrow and heard my own groaned when Jun threw the shaft away. I felt my consciousness drifted away as now there was black spots on my eyes. I have to meet him, one more time… I wanted to meet him. I pulled Jun by his collar and trying to form more words, he looked at me as he nodded. He half dragged and held me with him out of the battleship. Cursed, slashed swords and the smell of iron of blood, everything sounded afar.
“SHO!”
Masaki…
Your face entered my blurred vision, your tears damped your cheeks when you grasped onto me, “Sho-chan…”
I wanted this black spots to be gone so I could see your face clearly. There were lots of things that I haven’t tell you, I wanted to apologize for being the reason of your misery, to be the one that caused you only pain and never letting you to be happy. While having your smiles as my treasure I’m always egoist enough to seize it from you. Maybe it will be better for you to never meet me, and fall for Jun instead.
“Sho-chan… don’t leave me, please…”
Oh, I won’t. I won’t leave you ever. We will leave soon, to a place where no one could find us, where we don’t need to hide. To a place where we can love each other without thinking that falling for each other were wrong. Because Masaki, my love for you was the only thing that is right in my life.
I tried my all to form a phrase with my arid throat as I reached for your cheek and wipe away the tears, nothing to cry about Masaki, because the pain will be ended soon, “I love you…”
You nip your lower lips when I felt another tears fell down your cheek, but now you’re smiling to me, the smile I always adore, “Idiot, I love you too!”
If I had more strength I might kiss you breathless, but no… my grip weakened and your face was getting more and more blurry until the pitch black blinded my eyes.
Don’t cry, Masaki…
Because we will meet again in another life…
Don’t cry…
Because at that time I will fall in love with you all over again…
Again… and again…
-FIN-
AN : How was it? hahaha. I kinda tried new writing style and it was fun so? What do you think? XD
And sorry for the angst on birthday~ ^^;