SMU -- it's awfully random/ramble-y but i think i like it.

[crushmebaby00]

The Admission Committee would like to know some of the things that your are thinking, laughing, or talking about at this time in your life.As a senior in high school, it is almost a requisite by society that every activity done this year, every inside joke cracked, every moment be laced with nostalgia and sentimentality--after all, we are almost

Comments

[crushmebaby00]

paragraphs didn't come out as they should have
but i promise it's broken up

[_starstruck_]

Your second paragraph is fantastic. The only thing I would consider is trying to take out as many --'s in your paper and make them into seperate sentences. Those should be pretty limited in any paper, and I know you can karate chop them into something tasteful.

It is now that I put into use my courage, drive and independence--qualities that I know I will need when I am finally on my own and faced to make my own decisions and no longer have the comfort of my blue locker-lined hallways or gray swivel chair.
I really liked that sentence and how you got the gray swivel chair from the previous paragraph tied into it.

It kind of concerns me that your first paragraph is THAT long and only 5 sentences. :/ You have a lot of really long sentences. I'm also noticing your "highschool happy" words that kind of confuse me in the sense that I have no idea what you are really trying to say. Most important thing to remember: getting your point across (your point being your thesis). I think one major thing I've learned from college this year about

[crushmebaby00]

haha not harsh at all, i actually appreciate it a lot :)

yeah, i've been told i write long sentences before, and i use some of the words but when i write [esp. things like this] i tend to just.. throw stuff in. haha but yeah, thanks a ton!

[crushmebaby00]

and the second paragraph is actually broken up into 2 smaller ones but i forgot where

[_starstruck_]

Yeah, I use the version of livejournal where I have a border on the left hand side, so I'm pretty sure it ends at, "but I sometimes find pleasure in indulging in my naivety and pretending that the next five months will last a lifetime." I think the newer version made it look like one huge paragraph, haha.

Good luck with SMU!

[anonymous]