The 10 worst music related occurances of 07
So, I've been meaning to do this since someone did it on another lj. I'm not gonna bother ranking these because I try to avoid hearing them at all costs. And they just suck. (you'll notice languagewise that I'm kinda passionate about this, and that this is very long)
-Avril Lavigne-"Girlfriend": I'm sorry, did I miss a step here? Where we suddenly went from a kind of teen/adult pop emotional confessional totally different than what was popular at the time....to this? Don't get me wrong, Avril, I'm happy for you that you got all happy and got married to that idiot from Sum 41. And I understand that how one feels can translate into their music. BUT WHAT THE FUCK MAN???? I mean look at the lyrics on this piece of shit: "Don’t pretend I think you know I’m damn precious, And Hell Yeah I’m the motherfucking princess"; "In a second you’ll be wrapped around my finger. Cause I can, cause I can do it better". This isnt "Oh I'm such a happy bride"...this is "Oh, I'm a vindictive spoiled rotten, shrew-like bitchwhore just like that slutbag Britney Spears." And dont claim I dont get it. I've tried to listen to the song. TWICE. I usually last about 30-45 seconds. And that's all I have to say about that.
-Soulja Boy: "Crank That": You know, I could go into an immense rant here. Like I did above. But I'm going to keep this brief. Anyone remember the Macarena? The song was catchy, and the dance made you look like a moron. Now in its place, we have a dance that makes you look like a moron that compares with a song with the following brilliant lyrics: "Soulja Boy up In dis hoe/Watch Me Lean And Watch Me Rock/Super Man Dat Hoe/Then Watch Me Crank Dat Robocop/Super Fresh, Now Watch Me Jock/Jockin' On dem Hatas Mane/When I Do Dat Soulja Boy/I Lean To The Left And Crank Dat Thang". Uh....now I know, I'm roughly as white when it comes to most rap as milk, but seriously....what the hell was that. Did you just take about 50 darts, throw them at an ebonic dictionary page or 50 and see what words you landed on? And I was actually nice in picking those lyrics. I avoided the way the song starts with the exact same lyrics over and over again. Pure crap.
-The electrical soundboard known as Britney Spears: The entire Blackout album: Do I really need to say anything here? Ok, I will say one thing. It may be true that almost all bands need some form of studio assistance on their albums. That said, if you havent sung a song live in years at any concert...basically ever....that says something about just whether or not you belong in a recording studio. I'm saving most of my venom for Britney for that sniper rifle list I'm working on for the next post. This one was a list I'd just forgotten about.
-Plain White T's: "Hey There Delilah": Now before I get reamed for this by anyone, let me defend this. I have a problem with any song that I percieve as having been released solely to cash in on the stereotypical claim that all women want the type of guy who is present in the lyrics of this soong. Example: "Hey there Delilah/What's it like in New York City?/I'm a thousand miles away/But girl, tonight you look so pretty/Yes you do/Times Square can't shine as bright as you/I swear it's true". Now, what I'm going to say is going to sound insanely egotistical, but here it goes: I've been single over a year and a half. I've been called sweet, kind, nice, a great friend, and that I would be a great boyfriend so often that if the words were bricks I couldve built my own home with them rather than live in this apartment. And, I mean the things I say that warrant those remarks, I dont just bullshit them or say them when the conversation doesnt warrant the sentiment. Now a musical act says them in a very simplistic song, and suddenly its a beautiful outpouring of emotion? BULLSHIT. It's sappy as fuck to put in a random nationally released song and you know it. If it wasnt then ask yourself this. If a random person on a date spoke the words in this song to you...and youd never heard them before....wouldnt it be juuuust a liiittle creepy? I mean god, read the lyrics once, completely ignoring any preconcieved notion about the song. Its the stalker anthem, pure and simple. And thats just really freaking creepy when you realize how popular it is.
-Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Her Entire Fucking Existence: Congrats Miley. Because of you we all have to think about Billy Ray Cyrus and that goddamn line dancing shit again. Because of you, thousands of kids across the country were spoiled by idiot parents going insane to get tickets to your concert. Because of you, online ticket scalpers made millions off said parents. Because of you, now we're probably gonna be stuck with fucking 10 year olds in our movie theaters for weeks. Because of you, I feel like we're stuck in an endless cycle that started with Britney Spears in 1999 and has now coiled back on itself to you. With any luck in about 10 years, you'll have married a backup dancer, flashed your junk to the world, shaved your head, had a series of undoubtedly fucked up children, and been committed to a mental hospital for evaluation. And then I'll have a new young blonde jailbait tramp that will make me wonder what the hell happened to the generation after my own.
-Aly and AJ: "Potential Breakup Song": I'm gonna start with the obvious here. The following lyrics should never appear in a song: "This is the Potential Breakup Song/Our Album needs just one". What that lyric does is it shows you're stupid and implies that you basically wrote a 3-4 minute waste of our lives because you had a random space to fill on your cd and then thought "oh shoot we need a single...lets try that piece of shit". I'd post more lyrics here but I feel dumb just reading them. Suffice to say I put this after Hannah/Miley for a reason: Disney, you barely survive in the movie industry right now. Stop trying to turn your tv shows into musical artists. Want further? How bout High School Musical? The Cheetah Girls? The days of the Mickey Mouse Club are over Disney. Just because you've buffaloed a whole generation of idiotic children like you got us with Britney and Justin Timberlake (way later) doesnt mean its right. You're contributing to the decay of culture and I bet you money that Walt Disney is rolling in his grave....and thinking bad thoughts about Jewish people.
-Fergie: "Glamorous": This is the only time I will ever say this: thank you Fergie. Thank you for releaseing more off your album in 07. cuz that means I get to ream you for that...and also go off on you for those two BRILLIANT singles in 06. I'll start with 06. Couple weeks ago, I labored under the delusion that I liked London Bridge. Don't ask me why....I still don't know. I went...I downloaded it....I lasted 3 seconds, I deleted it. Im gonna try to summarize London Bridge here: random members of black eyed peas say Oh shit in the background for no reason, then Fergie sings about the classic asian stereotype (me love you long time????), she admits she dances "like a ho", that she's a drunk, and that she apparently is an utter whore (go ahead. look up "London bridge" on urban dictionary. second def. I'll wait.) Put quite simply, there is nothing I can say regarding London Bridge that she didnt already insult herself with. Next...Fergalicious. I once heard that the concept for the song and its video was to convey the ultimate male fantasy. If Fergie ever appears in one of my male fantasies, put a bullet between my eyes, and pour drain cleaner down my throat in case the bullet missed. In what is being VERY generously described as a song, she basically claims that shes not a whore even though thats what anyone with a brain got out of her first song and that's what most would get out of this one. Not only that, but never name a song after something that it sounds like we should be vaccinated for. "Ooop, I'm sorry Jay, I gotta go get my booster shot. Wouldn't want to catch Fergalicious, that shit's nasty." Lastly, Glamorous. This years entry into the canon. Apparently Fergie is "raw" because she goes to taco bell, and she isnt clean (seriously, read the lyrics.) She also dragged Ludacris into her black hole (sexual pun intended) to rap about, I shit thee not, Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. I'd have a conclusion to this discussion of Fergie, but I couldnt come up with a better punchline than that if I tried.
-Kanye West: "Stronger": SO, I've spoken with kill_krock about this before. Truth be told I do like this song....not cuz of the lyrics. I think its a good Daft Punk sample. A catchy Daft Punk sample. And a stupid. Stupid. song. In this one song...ONE.....Kanye West, who is hitting on a girl, does the following: 1) He calls her his "black Kate Moss". because really, what says love more than comparing a woman to a crack addict, 2)says she'll "do everything that Kan like" because he's heard she'll "do anything for a Klondike". JUST BECAUSE TWO WORDS RHYME DOESNT MEAN THEY HAVE TO FOLLOW EACH OTHER, 3) says he'd "do anything for a blond dyke". Kanye...do you even know what a lesbian is? See, when a woman loves another woman they usually dont think men....oh never mind, 4) says hes been on her "since OJ had Isotoners". So just to be clear, at the beginning he calls her a crack addict, at the end he compares himself to a man who...allegedly (pfft)...murdered his wife in cold blood. AND, not only does he make the OJ reference, he makes it over and over again at the end of the song about four or five times...you know, in case she didnt get he's a psycopath. Do people even listen to lyrics anymore?
-Kidz Bop: Sigh...Nos. 11, 12, and a country edition (apparently someone who makes these thought...how can we make this more annoying.) were released all in 2007. 13's coming out in a couple weeks. Why do I hate these cds? Reason's twofold. One, if a child wants to hear the song, buy the song. Don't release one sung by stupid fucking kids who make people want to drive sharp objects into their eyes. Two, and this is my big point about these...who the hell picks the songs for these? Now, i'm in no position to decide what parents should or shouldnt be doing...hell I rewatched a movie today that claims George Washington was a cannibal who ate children(its fiction in case you couldnt tell). But seriously...Kidz Bop 12 contains Avril's "Girlfriend", previous albums have had "Pump It" by the Black Eyed Peas, "Beverly Hills" by Weezer, "Toxic" by Britney Spears...you get the idea. So THINK people. It's Kidz Bop. DO YOU REALLY THINK THE 8 YEAR OLD KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK HES SINGING? All I'm gonna say is that at least I FUCKING know that Beverly Hills has that lovely backing track in the real song where the woman says "do me baby, do me baby". Havent heard the Kidz Bop version much, but I remember seeing the ad on tv...and I swear that was in there. What...the hell are you people thinking.
-The Spice Girls Reunion: I'm fucking tired, so this is gonna be short and sweet. You reunited because you wanted money. Even you, Victoria Beckham, you spoiled, skeletal whore with more money than god via your husband. No one cares about you. And then you have the nerve to write a song called "Headlines". About how you want to make Headlines. Heres the deal, girls. These are the most recent things i remember about each of you: Ginger, you released a solo album. It flopped. Scary, you're having Eddie Murphy's child. That's really disturbing....for both of you. Posh, you married a highly paid metrosexual soccer star who will probably leave you for a rough trick named Russ. You also made yourself into a fashion plate even though you yourself have little more body than a fucking wire hanger. Sporty...um....I got nothing. I think maybe you released a solo album right? Possibly? Boy that tells you how good it did huh? and Baby...well actually I don't have a problem with Baby spice. However, I gotta say, you know she was looking for money since the last thing she did was a Prego spaghetti sauce endorsement ("Even a spice girl can't figure out a way to improve our sauce" *gag*) So um...wow. You guys sure were on top of the world huh? And boy we were just clamoring for you to reunite werent we? What with The Police, Genesis, Led Zeppelin, and Van Halen reuniting, what we really needed was five women who used to dress like Amsterdam redlight district rejects. Seriously, just fade away. Victoria, go back to your closeted corner kicker, Melanie B., go raise the child of a crappy comic actor, Emma and Mel C., go do...whatever the hell it is you do now...., and Geri...um.....to be honest you seemed originally like the one most likely to die of an STD before now so um....maybe get back on that? Great, thanks.
And there we go. I weep for the general state of popular music. I'm tired, I'm going to bed. Within the coming week i'll do the celebrities who should die in an intriguing way..unless something more worthy of ranting comes up. Until then, I'm out.
-Avril Lavigne-"Girlfriend": I'm sorry, did I miss a step here? Where we suddenly went from a kind of teen/adult pop emotional confessional totally different than what was popular at the time....to this? Don't get me wrong, Avril, I'm happy for you that you got all happy and got married to that idiot from Sum 41. And I understand that how one feels can translate into their music. BUT WHAT THE FUCK MAN???? I mean look at the lyrics on this piece of shit: "Don’t pretend I think you know I’m damn precious, And Hell Yeah I’m the motherfucking princess"; "In a second you’ll be wrapped around my finger. Cause I can, cause I can do it better". This isnt "Oh I'm such a happy bride"...this is "Oh, I'm a vindictive spoiled rotten, shrew-like bitchwhore just like that slutbag Britney Spears." And dont claim I dont get it. I've tried to listen to the song. TWICE. I usually last about 30-45 seconds. And that's all I have to say about that.
-Soulja Boy: "Crank That": You know, I could go into an immense rant here. Like I did above. But I'm going to keep this brief. Anyone remember the Macarena? The song was catchy, and the dance made you look like a moron. Now in its place, we have a dance that makes you look like a moron that compares with a song with the following brilliant lyrics: "Soulja Boy up In dis hoe/Watch Me Lean And Watch Me Rock/Super Man Dat Hoe/Then Watch Me Crank Dat Robocop/Super Fresh, Now Watch Me Jock/Jockin' On dem Hatas Mane/When I Do Dat Soulja Boy/I Lean To The Left And Crank Dat Thang". Uh....now I know, I'm roughly as white when it comes to most rap as milk, but seriously....what the hell was that. Did you just take about 50 darts, throw them at an ebonic dictionary page or 50 and see what words you landed on? And I was actually nice in picking those lyrics. I avoided the way the song starts with the exact same lyrics over and over again. Pure crap.
-The electrical soundboard known as Britney Spears: The entire Blackout album: Do I really need to say anything here? Ok, I will say one thing. It may be true that almost all bands need some form of studio assistance on their albums. That said, if you havent sung a song live in years at any concert...basically ever....that says something about just whether or not you belong in a recording studio. I'm saving most of my venom for Britney for that sniper rifle list I'm working on for the next post. This one was a list I'd just forgotten about.
-Plain White T's: "Hey There Delilah": Now before I get reamed for this by anyone, let me defend this. I have a problem with any song that I percieve as having been released solely to cash in on the stereotypical claim that all women want the type of guy who is present in the lyrics of this soong. Example: "Hey there Delilah/What's it like in New York City?/I'm a thousand miles away/But girl, tonight you look so pretty/Yes you do/Times Square can't shine as bright as you/I swear it's true". Now, what I'm going to say is going to sound insanely egotistical, but here it goes: I've been single over a year and a half. I've been called sweet, kind, nice, a great friend, and that I would be a great boyfriend so often that if the words were bricks I couldve built my own home with them rather than live in this apartment. And, I mean the things I say that warrant those remarks, I dont just bullshit them or say them when the conversation doesnt warrant the sentiment. Now a musical act says them in a very simplistic song, and suddenly its a beautiful outpouring of emotion? BULLSHIT. It's sappy as fuck to put in a random nationally released song and you know it. If it wasnt then ask yourself this. If a random person on a date spoke the words in this song to you...and youd never heard them before....wouldnt it be juuuust a liiittle creepy? I mean god, read the lyrics once, completely ignoring any preconcieved notion about the song. Its the stalker anthem, pure and simple. And thats just really freaking creepy when you realize how popular it is.
-Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Her Entire Fucking Existence: Congrats Miley. Because of you we all have to think about Billy Ray Cyrus and that goddamn line dancing shit again. Because of you, thousands of kids across the country were spoiled by idiot parents going insane to get tickets to your concert. Because of you, online ticket scalpers made millions off said parents. Because of you, now we're probably gonna be stuck with fucking 10 year olds in our movie theaters for weeks. Because of you, I feel like we're stuck in an endless cycle that started with Britney Spears in 1999 and has now coiled back on itself to you. With any luck in about 10 years, you'll have married a backup dancer, flashed your junk to the world, shaved your head, had a series of undoubtedly fucked up children, and been committed to a mental hospital for evaluation. And then I'll have a new young blonde jailbait tramp that will make me wonder what the hell happened to the generation after my own.
-Aly and AJ: "Potential Breakup Song": I'm gonna start with the obvious here. The following lyrics should never appear in a song: "This is the Potential Breakup Song/Our Album needs just one". What that lyric does is it shows you're stupid and implies that you basically wrote a 3-4 minute waste of our lives because you had a random space to fill on your cd and then thought "oh shoot we need a single...lets try that piece of shit". I'd post more lyrics here but I feel dumb just reading them. Suffice to say I put this after Hannah/Miley for a reason: Disney, you barely survive in the movie industry right now. Stop trying to turn your tv shows into musical artists. Want further? How bout High School Musical? The Cheetah Girls? The days of the Mickey Mouse Club are over Disney. Just because you've buffaloed a whole generation of idiotic children like you got us with Britney and Justin Timberlake (way later) doesnt mean its right. You're contributing to the decay of culture and I bet you money that Walt Disney is rolling in his grave....and thinking bad thoughts about Jewish people.
-Fergie: "Glamorous": This is the only time I will ever say this: thank you Fergie. Thank you for releaseing more off your album in 07. cuz that means I get to ream you for that...and also go off on you for those two BRILLIANT singles in 06. I'll start with 06. Couple weeks ago, I labored under the delusion that I liked London Bridge. Don't ask me why....I still don't know. I went...I downloaded it....I lasted 3 seconds, I deleted it. Im gonna try to summarize London Bridge here: random members of black eyed peas say Oh shit in the background for no reason, then Fergie sings about the classic asian stereotype (me love you long time????), she admits she dances "like a ho", that she's a drunk, and that she apparently is an utter whore (go ahead. look up "London bridge" on urban dictionary. second def. I'll wait.) Put quite simply, there is nothing I can say regarding London Bridge that she didnt already insult herself with. Next...Fergalicious. I once heard that the concept for the song and its video was to convey the ultimate male fantasy. If Fergie ever appears in one of my male fantasies, put a bullet between my eyes, and pour drain cleaner down my throat in case the bullet missed. In what is being VERY generously described as a song, she basically claims that shes not a whore even though thats what anyone with a brain got out of her first song and that's what most would get out of this one. Not only that, but never name a song after something that it sounds like we should be vaccinated for. "Ooop, I'm sorry Jay, I gotta go get my booster shot. Wouldn't want to catch Fergalicious, that shit's nasty." Lastly, Glamorous. This years entry into the canon. Apparently Fergie is "raw" because she goes to taco bell, and she isnt clean (seriously, read the lyrics.) She also dragged Ludacris into her black hole (sexual pun intended) to rap about, I shit thee not, Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. I'd have a conclusion to this discussion of Fergie, but I couldnt come up with a better punchline than that if I tried.
-Kanye West: "Stronger": SO, I've spoken with kill_krock about this before. Truth be told I do like this song....not cuz of the lyrics. I think its a good Daft Punk sample. A catchy Daft Punk sample. And a stupid. Stupid. song. In this one song...ONE.....Kanye West, who is hitting on a girl, does the following: 1) He calls her his "black Kate Moss". because really, what says love more than comparing a woman to a crack addict, 2)says she'll "do everything that Kan like" because he's heard she'll "do anything for a Klondike". JUST BECAUSE TWO WORDS RHYME DOESNT MEAN THEY HAVE TO FOLLOW EACH OTHER, 3) says he'd "do anything for a blond dyke". Kanye...do you even know what a lesbian is? See, when a woman loves another woman they usually dont think men....oh never mind, 4) says hes been on her "since OJ had Isotoners". So just to be clear, at the beginning he calls her a crack addict, at the end he compares himself to a man who...allegedly (pfft)...murdered his wife in cold blood. AND, not only does he make the OJ reference, he makes it over and over again at the end of the song about four or five times...you know, in case she didnt get he's a psycopath. Do people even listen to lyrics anymore?
-Kidz Bop: Sigh...Nos. 11, 12, and a country edition (apparently someone who makes these thought...how can we make this more annoying.) were released all in 2007. 13's coming out in a couple weeks. Why do I hate these cds? Reason's twofold. One, if a child wants to hear the song, buy the song. Don't release one sung by stupid fucking kids who make people want to drive sharp objects into their eyes. Two, and this is my big point about these...who the hell picks the songs for these? Now, i'm in no position to decide what parents should or shouldnt be doing...hell I rewatched a movie today that claims George Washington was a cannibal who ate children(its fiction in case you couldnt tell). But seriously...Kidz Bop 12 contains Avril's "Girlfriend", previous albums have had "Pump It" by the Black Eyed Peas, "Beverly Hills" by Weezer, "Toxic" by Britney Spears...you get the idea. So THINK people. It's Kidz Bop. DO YOU REALLY THINK THE 8 YEAR OLD KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK HES SINGING? All I'm gonna say is that at least I FUCKING know that Beverly Hills has that lovely backing track in the real song where the woman says "do me baby, do me baby". Havent heard the Kidz Bop version much, but I remember seeing the ad on tv...and I swear that was in there. What...the hell are you people thinking.
-The Spice Girls Reunion: I'm fucking tired, so this is gonna be short and sweet. You reunited because you wanted money. Even you, Victoria Beckham, you spoiled, skeletal whore with more money than god via your husband. No one cares about you. And then you have the nerve to write a song called "Headlines". About how you want to make Headlines. Heres the deal, girls. These are the most recent things i remember about each of you: Ginger, you released a solo album. It flopped. Scary, you're having Eddie Murphy's child. That's really disturbing....for both of you. Posh, you married a highly paid metrosexual soccer star who will probably leave you for a rough trick named Russ. You also made yourself into a fashion plate even though you yourself have little more body than a fucking wire hanger. Sporty...um....I got nothing. I think maybe you released a solo album right? Possibly? Boy that tells you how good it did huh? and Baby...well actually I don't have a problem with Baby spice. However, I gotta say, you know she was looking for money since the last thing she did was a Prego spaghetti sauce endorsement ("Even a spice girl can't figure out a way to improve our sauce" *gag*) So um...wow. You guys sure were on top of the world huh? And boy we were just clamoring for you to reunite werent we? What with The Police, Genesis, Led Zeppelin, and Van Halen reuniting, what we really needed was five women who used to dress like Amsterdam redlight district rejects. Seriously, just fade away. Victoria, go back to your closeted corner kicker, Melanie B., go raise the child of a crappy comic actor, Emma and Mel C., go do...whatever the hell it is you do now...., and Geri...um.....to be honest you seemed originally like the one most likely to die of an STD before now so um....maybe get back on that? Great, thanks.
And there we go. I weep for the general state of popular music. I'm tired, I'm going to bed. Within the coming week i'll do the celebrities who should die in an intriguing way..unless something more worthy of ranting comes up. Until then, I'm out.