would people please lj cut their thoughts, it doesn't ruin the impact.
I have a lot I want to say, and little space to say it in.
New Years is coming on fast, everyone always makes a big deal out of it. "It's a New Year, I'm sad the old year is gone. I didn't do so much, I lost out on love again. I'm going to miss last year" wtf is that. It's not a new year, it's just a new number and more days that will pass. Life isn't in years, Life is the experience. Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. Simple as that. Life is the stuff that we take for granted every day. I look forward to this next year, although it will have alot of sadness in it, it will have stuff I will have to give up for others, it will have stuff that's bittersweet, it will have stuff that makes me cry and makes me laugh, there will be sex in it, there will be times of lonlieness, there will be times where people turn their backs on me, there will be times where I turn my backs on others because I feel like being lost, there will be times where I give myself to someone - in fact, it will be just like the years before it. Only with more intensity, and more memories rather than stories. I don't want stories anymore, I want memories. I'm looking forward to my life beginning rather than adding the occasional stimulate to awaken it. Michael came over the other night telling me he wanted to just stay in with Sean this New Years, I told him it's what I would do, parties just give you stories, sharing intimacy with someone gives you memories that fill you up and put a permanant grin in your heart. I've never been a bigger bundle of contridictions. Only in my thoughts, not in my actions. I hate the senarios running through my head, I hate all the possibilites I make myself see. For once, I'm jealous of those with narrow vision (not narrow mindness). Earlier today I was put off by the fact that a friend of mine had stolen my idea and used it for their fun. Also earlier today Felicia gave me a compliment saying that "you are so above everyone its so funny", I was like well I love you so if that was an insult I still love you. I don't know what she meant by it excatly still, and if I did, I forgot. She told me that her and I, we're awesome. I agree with that though. I blabbed to Leanne about bands and music and she told me she loves to listen to me, I'm interesting and that she's used to silence. I thought everyone she knows talked all the time, but turns out, it's just when they are around people, otherwise it's quiet. Leanne told me that around me, she feels she'll never run out of things to say. I felt flattered. There's people out there that keep from telling me what I am to them, how they feel about me, what they think when I talk, what they want when I touch them, if when I walk away there's a little heartbreak inside. Most times I want people to open themselves up and come right out and say it. At other times, like tonight, I think that I like not knowing, I like cherishing the little signals that I do recieve. Perhaps those who don't speak the inside of their hearts have just as much courage (if not more) than us who speak our desires. Here I am, losing my thoughts, because I want to write them, I want to paint them, I want to express them out so I can sift through them and figure out just what to do. I didn't want everyone to read and know. So alot has already floated away to the back of my mind. I think that from Scotland, I'm going to write through video mail... which makes me mad because I have so many scenarios of video mail in my head, I play at least one every night when I can't sleep. This year has changed me, I think for the better. You know, my weaknesses have started to dissapear and my strengths have been showing themselves more and more. Turns out I'm not doing it on a selfish basis and that's what shocking about seeing it happening right in front of me. I speak my desires, and I'm not letting myself being walked upon when it's just not right, I'm taking care of those I love, I'm making better decisions, I don't talk about the negative as much as I was. True, I get a little twinge of sadness at certain moments - when I see a certain look in someone's eye, when I feel a hand slip out of mine, when a laugh isn't my doing, when I'm not everything I should be - but it's just a twinge, and then I look up, and can't help but smile. Perhaps I'm smiling at that dumb look I see staring at me back. Perhaps its the idea of my future. Perhaps it's the comfort in the thought that I make a difference, whether or not I'm told (and sometimes, it's nicer just to know and not be told) It could be that there is just a light around the world now and my darkness has faded. For me, really, I'm not saying goodbye to last year, nor welcoming in a new one. For me, tomorrow will shortly become a yesterday and a yesterday will become a never again. You know, until that tomorrow comes that ends my life, I'm not going to be ashamed of love, of mistakes, of failure, of a mispoken word, ... one thing I won't let stop me, is the fear that I will let something slip. I don't think any one really notices, but my eyes well up now. Do not mistake it for sadness for I'm not angered or sad or hurt. I looking at the movie in my head, and I'm feeling bittersweet about it all. I'm looking at the smiles in the tomorrows and feeling that they were in the yesterdays. I don't want to analyze why I do that, I just do. I feel blessed. I might not have all the material things that people desire. I may not have the strong religious faith that others have. I may not have the education that some learned. I may not have the starlight personality of others still. I may not have the body of certain ones. I have realized that although I, like all others in this world have hurt in their past, I have a richness in mine that those I know do not and I have many things I cherish, I have convictions of a different kind that fill me with a worth in this world. I have an honest and rare love inside me that only grows each day. I have a beautiful soul that you can see in my eyes. Yes, I am blessed with this life. I, no matter what, don't give up on love. Love isn't marrying the man of your dreams, love isn't making a child to pass morals on to. Love isn't living with someone and not hating each other. Love isn't finding the one who completes you. Love is just loving someone unconditionally. Love is never giving up on another human being.
I think this is as far as I will write tonight, it's very late, and I have many things to get done tomorrow.
If we are focusing too intently on digging up the dirt on the way to our goals, we will toss away the chances that are the pebbles.
Cuddle up tight, and don't let the bed bugs bite.
it's not about having someone love you, it's about loving everyone else
New Years is coming on fast, everyone always makes a big deal out of it. "It's a New Year, I'm sad the old year is gone. I didn't do so much, I lost out on love again. I'm going to miss last year" wtf is that. It's not a new year, it's just a new number and more days that will pass. Life isn't in years, Life is the experience. Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. Simple as that. Life is the stuff that we take for granted every day. I look forward to this next year, although it will have alot of sadness in it, it will have stuff I will have to give up for others, it will have stuff that's bittersweet, it will have stuff that makes me cry and makes me laugh, there will be sex in it, there will be times of lonlieness, there will be times where people turn their backs on me, there will be times where I turn my backs on others because I feel like being lost, there will be times where I give myself to someone - in fact, it will be just like the years before it. Only with more intensity, and more memories rather than stories. I don't want stories anymore, I want memories. I'm looking forward to my life beginning rather than adding the occasional stimulate to awaken it. Michael came over the other night telling me he wanted to just stay in with Sean this New Years, I told him it's what I would do, parties just give you stories, sharing intimacy with someone gives you memories that fill you up and put a permanant grin in your heart. I've never been a bigger bundle of contridictions. Only in my thoughts, not in my actions. I hate the senarios running through my head, I hate all the possibilites I make myself see. For once, I'm jealous of those with narrow vision (not narrow mindness). Earlier today I was put off by the fact that a friend of mine had stolen my idea and used it for their fun. Also earlier today Felicia gave me a compliment saying that "you are so above everyone its so funny", I was like well I love you so if that was an insult I still love you. I don't know what she meant by it excatly still, and if I did, I forgot. She told me that her and I, we're awesome. I agree with that though. I blabbed to Leanne about bands and music and she told me she loves to listen to me, I'm interesting and that she's used to silence. I thought everyone she knows talked all the time, but turns out, it's just when they are around people, otherwise it's quiet. Leanne told me that around me, she feels she'll never run out of things to say. I felt flattered. There's people out there that keep from telling me what I am to them, how they feel about me, what they think when I talk, what they want when I touch them, if when I walk away there's a little heartbreak inside. Most times I want people to open themselves up and come right out and say it. At other times, like tonight, I think that I like not knowing, I like cherishing the little signals that I do recieve. Perhaps those who don't speak the inside of their hearts have just as much courage (if not more) than us who speak our desires. Here I am, losing my thoughts, because I want to write them, I want to paint them, I want to express them out so I can sift through them and figure out just what to do. I didn't want everyone to read and know. So alot has already floated away to the back of my mind. I think that from Scotland, I'm going to write through video mail... which makes me mad because I have so many scenarios of video mail in my head, I play at least one every night when I can't sleep. This year has changed me, I think for the better. You know, my weaknesses have started to dissapear and my strengths have been showing themselves more and more. Turns out I'm not doing it on a selfish basis and that's what shocking about seeing it happening right in front of me. I speak my desires, and I'm not letting myself being walked upon when it's just not right, I'm taking care of those I love, I'm making better decisions, I don't talk about the negative as much as I was. True, I get a little twinge of sadness at certain moments - when I see a certain look in someone's eye, when I feel a hand slip out of mine, when a laugh isn't my doing, when I'm not everything I should be - but it's just a twinge, and then I look up, and can't help but smile. Perhaps I'm smiling at that dumb look I see staring at me back. Perhaps its the idea of my future. Perhaps it's the comfort in the thought that I make a difference, whether or not I'm told (and sometimes, it's nicer just to know and not be told) It could be that there is just a light around the world now and my darkness has faded. For me, really, I'm not saying goodbye to last year, nor welcoming in a new one. For me, tomorrow will shortly become a yesterday and a yesterday will become a never again. You know, until that tomorrow comes that ends my life, I'm not going to be ashamed of love, of mistakes, of failure, of a mispoken word, ... one thing I won't let stop me, is the fear that I will let something slip. I don't think any one really notices, but my eyes well up now. Do not mistake it for sadness for I'm not angered or sad or hurt. I looking at the movie in my head, and I'm feeling bittersweet about it all. I'm looking at the smiles in the tomorrows and feeling that they were in the yesterdays. I don't want to analyze why I do that, I just do. I feel blessed. I might not have all the material things that people desire. I may not have the strong religious faith that others have. I may not have the education that some learned. I may not have the starlight personality of others still. I may not have the body of certain ones. I have realized that although I, like all others in this world have hurt in their past, I have a richness in mine that those I know do not and I have many things I cherish, I have convictions of a different kind that fill me with a worth in this world. I have an honest and rare love inside me that only grows each day. I have a beautiful soul that you can see in my eyes. Yes, I am blessed with this life. I, no matter what, don't give up on love. Love isn't marrying the man of your dreams, love isn't making a child to pass morals on to. Love isn't living with someone and not hating each other. Love isn't finding the one who completes you. Love is just loving someone unconditionally. Love is never giving up on another human being.
I think this is as far as I will write tonight, it's very late, and I have many things to get done tomorrow.
If we are focusing too intently on digging up the dirt on the way to our goals, we will toss away the chances that are the pebbles.
Cuddle up tight, and don't let the bed bugs bite.
it's not about having someone love you, it's about loving everyone else