(no subject)
Ari’s right. I have been distant lately. If I really need to pay attention to something, I do, but otherwise I’m in my own little world (which is more often than not). Like yesterday, I was on the phone with Rini about the camping trip, and she had to repeat things a few times before I realized she had been saying something. You should hear the message I left for Kathryn- it was pretty incomprehensible. She ended up picking up the phone and asking if I was ok. “I mean, your tone sounds ok, but you aren’t making any sense… Do you even know what you’re saying?” I just described something as being straightforward without being straightforward, but not too sappy or dramatic. This weekend could go one of two ways. Either I have more time to think about what is making me like this, or I can forget about it for a few days. I’m not sure which way it’ll be. It’s so beautiful out there; it’s very possible that I wont think about it constantly. But I don’t know- everything I do leads my thoughts in a chain reaction back to what I’m trying not to think about. And on top of that, I have this one song always stuck in my head that reminds me. There are a few songs that directly remind me of it, 3 or 4 more than any others, but… this one is a bit more popular than the others and hard to escape. The worst part is, I loved this song before and still do now. I don’t want to think about it, but at the same time I do. It reminds me of good times, but I don’t know if I want to think about them right now. I don’t know what I want, I guess. I’m really confused, but at the same time I’m not confused at all…
I feel really empty, like if you prick me I wont bleed. I’m not about to try, don’t worry. I know I will, I had lab work done Thursday, there were 3 test tubes full of my blood. I don’t have an appetite, but if I don’t eat it causes so many more problems. It wouldn’t really be starving myself; it would be just that I’m not hungry. But I don’t want to be pounced on by people shoving food in my face, and I don’t want to pass out again and have more blood work done.
I hate this. Really, I’d rather feel something, anything, good or horrible, than nothing at all. I used to be afraid of what I’d feel if I felt something, but now I’m not. Now I just want to feel like I’m alive, not just taking up living space for someone else.