wow, ACC has a course called Commercial Music Theory. then there's Small Commercial Music Ensemble. I am very afraid.
I'm thinking about school, like I do like once every two years or so. but god, it feels so weird. the usual classroom structure and organization skills are things that I had put so far away from myself. I regret doing so, I did it out of some weird insecurity. for example, I never took notes, depending on my somewhat strong memory because I didn't want to "look like a nerd." isn't that weird? it sucks. here I am today, vaguely interested in just about everything but very unsure of where my skills and capabilities are. I feel like the school systems have spit me out, this "person 1.0" and I'm really unsure on where to start.
part of me thinks, easiest answer, take a core curriculum or undecided thing. am I supposed to become specialized at some point? I mean, seriously, I'm searching myself and I'm as interested in accounting as automotive stuff even down to music. school is this big bad thing in my life that I really can't be sure if it will help me in any way. sure, I can be smarter, but what the hell is that worth? - good conversation? no thanks.
and at the same time I really don't know what I'm afraid of. school, to me, is still the thing it was when I was a senseless 14yrold. I'm passed half way to being twice that age now!
I think it would be cool to get into something that no ones interested in, like Math. everyone hates that. me and math were cool, yeah. but I don't know how far I could get with that. interacting with women makes my head pop, imagine what calculus could do for me.
and I still have that oddball insecurity of being something I'm not - a student.
and yeah, I could take certificate courses and learn how to do something. does that become my life after that? man, I'm afraid of stability for some reason. I fear it like I could finally get pinned down and described as something. but I don't want to be what I am now, either. that's a full-time, living at home with parents, loser. and I don't want to get pinned as cheap labor for a dead end job either. and I definitely don't want to become what's a step above that... part of the management team of the deadenders. *shudder* but that's just what I get for watching too much Simpsons.
why the hell am I ashamed to work? what the hell kind of bullshit pathology is that? it's like I'm less than the Jack of all trades... I'm the Jack of Nothing. I'm just plain Jack. this would've been so much easier had I been a real Cuban... I'd be a slave to the revolution like at a hotel or something, and in my free time I would fish, cook, and play guitar. maybe I should pretend I'm a communist in the service of this country. *shrug*
that would make Bush blush, wouldn't it?
*ponder* you know, I was thinking about maybe taking courses to learn more about the machining racket, aka engineering. there's loads of money in that racket, not to mention a constant challenge of R&D. I mean, I could even get into making guitars and shit, ship myself off to San Diego to make Carvin's for the rest of my semi-sane life. *shrug*
oooooo... neato. I didn't know this before, but the really hardcore deep parts of machining are calculus. *evil grin* makes me really appreciate my old boss' 6th sense, intuitive, and experience based approach to the business; it's hard to live life and make a living. the other side of that business is programming and drafting. yay, computers and cush jobs!
see, I'm one of the few kids that didn't dare to say no to drugs. one of the ones that wanted to be like the egg frying in the pan when he grew up. I want to take like a tobacco appreciation, lol, or a Meth Lab Adventure - 101. prerequisite class for that would be Surviving Prison Life and Advanced Surviving Prison Techniques. Meth Lab Ensemble. sorry, I'm being cynical and silly.
things that have never appealed to me before sound really interesting... like jewelry. but see, I wouldn't want to work in a jewelry store cause I wouldn't be able to do cool things like pearce my face or dye my hair. can't even curse! even if I did give up all these childish things and put on a suit... I'd feel like the world's biggest poser. #2 in line to Bush. (jeez, that's harsh. I'm sorry everyone. I'm just so unhappy with my life, I've simply gone this low).
for some reason I see school as this really wonderful tasty 12-inch, toasted sub sandwich. which is all great and everything... the problem comes around when I try to eat it... I try to stuff the whole thing in my mouth and I don't end up getting very far. it's what happened to me in highschool, it happened at chef school, and I'm afraid of it happening again. god, and the idea of revamping my life, out of the blue, becoming a student and part-time employee somewhere. *shudder* I'm just afraid to grow up, alright?
god, and someone told me the other day, "21 yr olds think they know everything." what the hell does that mean? I don't know what that means, so fill me in. lol.
coffee... yum.
when I think about it I really honestly feel like I have nothing to offer the work force, a close relationship, myself, the world, nothing. I have to like remind myself that I am a physical being and I'm not just floating around. existential, existential, existential. then there's the perfectly sane realization that I am no one else and yall are all your own beings and organisms seperate from myself. it's weird. I'm an emotional retard with a stray intelligence, chaotic good outsider. (yay, D&D)
then there's things like physical therapy. I'd love to be able to mend myself and others whenever they've pulled muscles or something. I even think I could enjoy helping people like post accidents and stuff. but I'd have to get over the idea of touching people, makes me feel creepy.
then there's things like sociology and history... things that have little to no functioning out in the "real world."
I know one thing for damn sure, I'm getting pretty sick and tired of feeling discouraged all the time. I'd like to make something of myself before I regret the even greater amount of time that's passed.
damn, then you get on the internet and you read about people like me and the consensus is like, "kill yourself already. I'm a frat boy and I'm everything your not. die."
growing up I adapted way too much to being told what to do. now that I have to think for myself I don't know anything. and then there's the systems of other people expectations and shit. wanna know how many people don't want their daughters talking to me? I don't have a clue either, but I'm sure it's some huge number or percentage. the few exceptions would be adult women and orphans. it's like I'm part of the crop that went bad. but it's "not too late!" or whatever.
undo the programming. we must.
I've got it! I have to tough love myself! what a neat concept.
but jeez, if you've made it this far you're either crazy or you care more about me than you need to. sticker for you.