this made me cry...
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera
or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He
always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
..>chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!"
Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and
laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went
deaf.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.
..>Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris
did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,
Lance Armstrong.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more
than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck
Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing
Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for
a single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
..>Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying
"booya".
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"
When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every
popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor,
just because he's Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from
"Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of
Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris
you may be only seconds away from death.
..>Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with
five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to
limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of
the actors he fights.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If
you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler
did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by
Chuck Norris.
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can
"accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor
wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He
always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
..>chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!"
Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and
laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went
deaf.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.
..>Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris
did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,
Lance Armstrong.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more
than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck
Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing
Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for
a single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
..>Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying
"booya".
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"
When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every
popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor,
just because he's Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from
"Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of
Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris
you may be only seconds away from death.
..>Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with
five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to
limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of
the actors he fights.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If
you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler
did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by
Chuck Norris.
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can
"accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor
wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.