Before I completely forget about these...
kasugai_gummie totally told me about the Gintama kink meme two days before a major exam, so I spent valuable study time producing the following.
She's such a jerk. Really.
Thus, in the order written (but clearly not in the order of cracked-out-ness):
Kyuubei/Hijikata - strap-on
"Keep on treating me like a girl," said Kyuubei, "and you're going to end up in a lot of pain."
"Oh, for fuck's-you are a girl, all right?" snapped Hijikata, and Kyuubei had to give him some credit for delivering that line with a straight face and three slicked fingers up his ass. "You're a girl who likes to play dress up with silicon cocks."
"Which says what about you?" said Kyuubei. "That you sometimes wish you were born a woman?" And giggled out loud as Hijikata's hands flexed on her shoulders, still not quite able to bruise her skin.
Shinsengumi orgy
Yamazaki's sucked four cocks and let both Oka and Niki have a turn at his ass ("At the same time?" he'd asked, disbelieving. "At the same time," Oka had said, darting a glance at Niki. "We do it all the time. Really." "Though they usually ask us to pay up front.") when he realizes that something is out of the ordinary. He looks around him. Inoue's moaning out loud, arms slung over Todou and Takeda’s shoulders, as Nagakura scissors two fingers in his ass. Todou and Takeda are jerking each other off. Kondou is pacing himself through a small crowd of guys, three handjobs at a time; he licks a drop of pre-come off his cheek with a surprisingly long tongue.
Yamazaki frowns. "Hey," he says. "Isn't there something really weird about all this?"
Itou readjusts his glasses with the hand that isn't busy pushing the pommel of his sword into a gasping Sugihara. "Well," he offers. "The Vice-Commander isn't present."
"Oh, I know!" Kondou's head peers out from around someone's thigh-probably Yoshimura's. It's hard to identify a person based on the pattern of hair on their backsides, but Yamazaki perseveres. "It's because I sent Toshi a SMS earlier. He should be out buying condoms right now."
Yamazaki wishes he'd known that earlier. "Hm," he nods. "That must be it." And then he shakes his head, smacking himself. "No, wait, no. Doesn't something seem weird to you?"
Itou considers further. "Well," he says slowly, "the Commander does appear to be incongruously attired."
"Oh, this?" says Kondou, who is indeed in full uniform in a room of naked, sweating men. "Toshi says, um. That it's inappropriate for the commander of the Shinsengumi to disrobe, even in semi-formal occasions."
Inoue's eyes slit open, pleasure-drunk. "Actually, it's because the Commander can't get it up," he says. "That's why he hasn't taken his pants off-everyone knows that."
“WHAT?" yelps Kondou. "Who told you I can't get it up? Who told you that? And what do you mean, ‘everyone knows’?"
"Common knowledge," dismisses Inoue, squirming and sighing. “Someone released a newsletter about it last week.”
"Hey, maybe that's the real reason the Vice-Commander isn't here," says Takeda. "He and the Commander formed the Shinsengumi together to console themselves against their imperfect manhoods, and the Vice-Commander doesn't want to embarrass himself."
"It's okay, Commander," reassures Yoshimura, rubbing the head of his dick against Kondou's cheek. "My respect for you hasn't diminished one bit."
"I'm telling you that's not it! Toshi said that disrobing violates the sanctity of the unif-”
They all flinch when the screen door is yanked open, streaming sunlight and fresh air into the cramped room. Yamazaki blinks owlishly at Hijikata, whose expression is first stunned, then horrified, then something that looks like enduringly traumatized. His cigarette has fallen out of his mouth.
Hijikata swallows hard. "Please tell me this is not what it looks like."
Yamazaki brightens. "Vice-Commander!" he says, at the same time Kondou says: “Toshi!”
“You've finally shown up," says Itou, who looks genuinely pleased as he stands, dislodging Sugihara from his lap.
"Hand me a condom, would you?" says Inoue, who looks thoroughly ready for one.
“Toshi! Our men think that we’re impotent!” says Kondou, who is still fully clothed. “Which is not true, absolutely not true at all. You’ll prove them wrong, won’t you?”
"What the hell?" says Hijikata. He's backing away very quickly. "There is something seriously wrong with you peop- Wait-no! Stop! Watch where you're putting your hands! You deranged, drugged-out bastards, I will kill you all if you don't stay away from-”
From the rafters, Okita snaps Polaroids, snickering.
Hijikata/Okita - bondage
When Okita wakes up, aching a little from overexertion but feeling pretty good, Hijikata is looming over him with yesterday’s rope in his hands.
“Good morning, Hijikata-san,” says Okita. “When did you untie yourself?” And in the next instant Hijikata’s snarling and lunging for him and they’re each trying to wrestle the other down.
Five minutes later, when Okita has one wrist tied to one bedpost and the other wrist mostly tied-he blames the fact that he’s just woken up; no one can expect him to be functioning at 100% the morning after-he switches strategies. “What’s wrong, Hijikata-san?” he says, a tad breathlessly. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that you were upset.”
“Upset?” snarls Hijikata. He’s breathless and red in the face as he ties quick, tight knots, emphasizing key words with jerks of the rope. “Upset? I haven’t smoked in sixteen hours, and I am sore. All over. Everywhere.”
“I’m sorry to hear that your ass hurts, Hijikata-san,” says Okita. He surreptitiously tests his bonds-they hold, unfortunately-before confiding, “Truth be told, my dick’s pretty sore too. Hasn’t anyone ever told you that you shouldn’t tense up like that during sex? It feels better during the act itself, I suppose, but afterwards-” He pauses, puzzled, because Hijikata’s fiddling with something not quite in his line of sight with one hand, and his other hand is-unexpectedly-pumping the length of Okita’s morning erection. “What are you doing, Hijikata-san?”
Hijikata snorts out loud. “What was it that you said last night?” he says. “Oh, yeah. ‘Don’t worry. It’s not like it can break off or anything.’” And he cinches the cock ring so tight that Okita arches off the mattress, gasping. From a distance, he hears Hijikata say: “You don’t happen to remember where you put that ball gag, do you? Christ, I want a complete redo of last night.”
Gintoki/Hijikata - mayosicle
They’ve had this exact same argument at least a dozen times, but somehow this time was it, this was just the limit-the straw that broke the camel’s back, the very last time the convenience store around the corner ran out of strawberry milk (they made sure to stay in stock after that)-because Gintoki felt something inside him snap.
“No!” he shouted, throwing his arms up in the air. “You know what? I am sick and tired of this. Every time we fuck, it’s the same thing. It’s your dick up my ass, or my dick up your ass, and we always do it front to back so that you can keep your eyes closed. Never mind the fact that you’ve apparently been having lackluster sex all your life, it’s time you face reality. You-” He jabbed a finger into Hijikata’s chest. “-are a gay man, okay? You’re a gay man, you should learn to do things that gay men do. And gay men suck cock.” He plopped down in one of the chairs at the kitchen table and splayed his legs, looking at Hijikata expectantly.
Hijikata stared at him, open-mouthed, for a full five seconds before he began to sputter. “You-” he said. “What- What the-”
“Yes?” said Gintoki, crossing his arms over his chest.
“What kind of fucking logic is that!” yelped Hijikata.
“I can put mayo on it if it makes it easier,” said Gintoki dangerously, and then he blinked, tilting his head to one side. “Hey. That’s not a bad idea, actually.” He jumped up and began to rifle through his cabinets.
“No! I mean- What? No! Stop that! Come down from-watch out! Fuck,” said Hijikata, as pots and empty Tupperware came clattering down.
“Ah! Here it is!” Gintoki clambered down from the counters triumphantly, bottle of mayo held aloft.
“Do you seriously think that I don’t suck cock because of the taste?”
“Mayo’ll probably help.”
“It’s still your dick! I don’t care what you put on it-”
“I’m telling you: mayo.”
“I don’t want! To suck! Your cock!”
“Even if it has mayo on it?”
“Yes!” shouted Hijikata. “Even if it has mayo on it!”
Gintoki paused, then looked at his crotch with disgust. “Well,” he said. “You could’ve said something a little earlier.”
Hijikata squeezed his eyes shut, slapping his palm against his forehead. “Why do I do this?” he moaned. “Why do I put myself through this? I don’t even like you that much, ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ won’t even begin to cover my ass when Kondou finds out, and I haven’t slept well since we’ve started fucking because I have to sneak past my own men at four in the morning to get back into the Shinsengumi compound! And on top of that, I have to keep this hidden from Sougo. Sougo! Who sniffs out humiliating things like- like Kondou sniffs out Otae’s schedule-”
He was interrupted by Gintoki fisting one messy hand into Hijikata’s nice, clean hair.
Hijikata went rigidly still. “You,” he said, in a voice that sounded like nails scraping down a blackboard. “What do you think you’re doing?”
Gintoki tightened his grip in Hijikata’s hair. “Come on, Hijikata-kun,” he drawled. “Live a little. Loosen up.” And, leering broadly, he shoved Hijikata to his knees.
You know, it honestly bewilders me that all of these include Hijikata. Believe it or not, he's actually not my favorite character in Gintama-that title belongs to Gintoki, who has comforted me through many a cold and lonely night spent slaving over my orgo textbook. Gintoki and I, we have history.
It's probably because Hijikata's relatively sane. *g* He makes such a nice foil.
She's such a jerk. Really.
Thus, in the order written (but clearly not in the order of cracked-out-ness):
Kyuubei/Hijikata - strap-on
"Keep on treating me like a girl," said Kyuubei, "and you're going to end up in a lot of pain."
"Oh, for fuck's-you are a girl, all right?" snapped Hijikata, and Kyuubei had to give him some credit for delivering that line with a straight face and three slicked fingers up his ass. "You're a girl who likes to play dress up with silicon cocks."
"Which says what about you?" said Kyuubei. "That you sometimes wish you were born a woman?" And giggled out loud as Hijikata's hands flexed on her shoulders, still not quite able to bruise her skin.
Shinsengumi orgy
Yamazaki's sucked four cocks and let both Oka and Niki have a turn at his ass ("At the same time?" he'd asked, disbelieving. "At the same time," Oka had said, darting a glance at Niki. "We do it all the time. Really." "Though they usually ask us to pay up front.") when he realizes that something is out of the ordinary. He looks around him. Inoue's moaning out loud, arms slung over Todou and Takeda’s shoulders, as Nagakura scissors two fingers in his ass. Todou and Takeda are jerking each other off. Kondou is pacing himself through a small crowd of guys, three handjobs at a time; he licks a drop of pre-come off his cheek with a surprisingly long tongue.
Yamazaki frowns. "Hey," he says. "Isn't there something really weird about all this?"
Itou readjusts his glasses with the hand that isn't busy pushing the pommel of his sword into a gasping Sugihara. "Well," he offers. "The Vice-Commander isn't present."
"Oh, I know!" Kondou's head peers out from around someone's thigh-probably Yoshimura's. It's hard to identify a person based on the pattern of hair on their backsides, but Yamazaki perseveres. "It's because I sent Toshi a SMS earlier. He should be out buying condoms right now."
Yamazaki wishes he'd known that earlier. "Hm," he nods. "That must be it." And then he shakes his head, smacking himself. "No, wait, no. Doesn't something seem weird to you?"
Itou considers further. "Well," he says slowly, "the Commander does appear to be incongruously attired."
"Oh, this?" says Kondou, who is indeed in full uniform in a room of naked, sweating men. "Toshi says, um. That it's inappropriate for the commander of the Shinsengumi to disrobe, even in semi-formal occasions."
Inoue's eyes slit open, pleasure-drunk. "Actually, it's because the Commander can't get it up," he says. "That's why he hasn't taken his pants off-everyone knows that."
“WHAT?" yelps Kondou. "Who told you I can't get it up? Who told you that? And what do you mean, ‘everyone knows’?"
"Common knowledge," dismisses Inoue, squirming and sighing. “Someone released a newsletter about it last week.”
"Hey, maybe that's the real reason the Vice-Commander isn't here," says Takeda. "He and the Commander formed the Shinsengumi together to console themselves against their imperfect manhoods, and the Vice-Commander doesn't want to embarrass himself."
"It's okay, Commander," reassures Yoshimura, rubbing the head of his dick against Kondou's cheek. "My respect for you hasn't diminished one bit."
"I'm telling you that's not it! Toshi said that disrobing violates the sanctity of the unif-”
They all flinch when the screen door is yanked open, streaming sunlight and fresh air into the cramped room. Yamazaki blinks owlishly at Hijikata, whose expression is first stunned, then horrified, then something that looks like enduringly traumatized. His cigarette has fallen out of his mouth.
Hijikata swallows hard. "Please tell me this is not what it looks like."
Yamazaki brightens. "Vice-Commander!" he says, at the same time Kondou says: “Toshi!”
“You've finally shown up," says Itou, who looks genuinely pleased as he stands, dislodging Sugihara from his lap.
"Hand me a condom, would you?" says Inoue, who looks thoroughly ready for one.
“Toshi! Our men think that we’re impotent!” says Kondou, who is still fully clothed. “Which is not true, absolutely not true at all. You’ll prove them wrong, won’t you?”
"What the hell?" says Hijikata. He's backing away very quickly. "There is something seriously wrong with you peop- Wait-no! Stop! Watch where you're putting your hands! You deranged, drugged-out bastards, I will kill you all if you don't stay away from-”
From the rafters, Okita snaps Polaroids, snickering.
Hijikata/Okita - bondage
When Okita wakes up, aching a little from overexertion but feeling pretty good, Hijikata is looming over him with yesterday’s rope in his hands.
“Good morning, Hijikata-san,” says Okita. “When did you untie yourself?” And in the next instant Hijikata’s snarling and lunging for him and they’re each trying to wrestle the other down.
Five minutes later, when Okita has one wrist tied to one bedpost and the other wrist mostly tied-he blames the fact that he’s just woken up; no one can expect him to be functioning at 100% the morning after-he switches strategies. “What’s wrong, Hijikata-san?” he says, a tad breathlessly. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that you were upset.”
“Upset?” snarls Hijikata. He’s breathless and red in the face as he ties quick, tight knots, emphasizing key words with jerks of the rope. “Upset? I haven’t smoked in sixteen hours, and I am sore. All over. Everywhere.”
“I’m sorry to hear that your ass hurts, Hijikata-san,” says Okita. He surreptitiously tests his bonds-they hold, unfortunately-before confiding, “Truth be told, my dick’s pretty sore too. Hasn’t anyone ever told you that you shouldn’t tense up like that during sex? It feels better during the act itself, I suppose, but afterwards-” He pauses, puzzled, because Hijikata’s fiddling with something not quite in his line of sight with one hand, and his other hand is-unexpectedly-pumping the length of Okita’s morning erection. “What are you doing, Hijikata-san?”
Hijikata snorts out loud. “What was it that you said last night?” he says. “Oh, yeah. ‘Don’t worry. It’s not like it can break off or anything.’” And he cinches the cock ring so tight that Okita arches off the mattress, gasping. From a distance, he hears Hijikata say: “You don’t happen to remember where you put that ball gag, do you? Christ, I want a complete redo of last night.”
Gintoki/Hijikata - mayosicle
They’ve had this exact same argument at least a dozen times, but somehow this time was it, this was just the limit-the straw that broke the camel’s back, the very last time the convenience store around the corner ran out of strawberry milk (they made sure to stay in stock after that)-because Gintoki felt something inside him snap.
“No!” he shouted, throwing his arms up in the air. “You know what? I am sick and tired of this. Every time we fuck, it’s the same thing. It’s your dick up my ass, or my dick up your ass, and we always do it front to back so that you can keep your eyes closed. Never mind the fact that you’ve apparently been having lackluster sex all your life, it’s time you face reality. You-” He jabbed a finger into Hijikata’s chest. “-are a gay man, okay? You’re a gay man, you should learn to do things that gay men do. And gay men suck cock.” He plopped down in one of the chairs at the kitchen table and splayed his legs, looking at Hijikata expectantly.
Hijikata stared at him, open-mouthed, for a full five seconds before he began to sputter. “You-” he said. “What- What the-”
“Yes?” said Gintoki, crossing his arms over his chest.
“What kind of fucking logic is that!” yelped Hijikata.
“I can put mayo on it if it makes it easier,” said Gintoki dangerously, and then he blinked, tilting his head to one side. “Hey. That’s not a bad idea, actually.” He jumped up and began to rifle through his cabinets.
“No! I mean- What? No! Stop that! Come down from-watch out! Fuck,” said Hijikata, as pots and empty Tupperware came clattering down.
“Ah! Here it is!” Gintoki clambered down from the counters triumphantly, bottle of mayo held aloft.
“Do you seriously think that I don’t suck cock because of the taste?”
“Mayo’ll probably help.”
“It’s still your dick! I don’t care what you put on it-”
“I’m telling you: mayo.”
“I don’t want! To suck! Your cock!”
“Even if it has mayo on it?”
“Yes!” shouted Hijikata. “Even if it has mayo on it!”
Gintoki paused, then looked at his crotch with disgust. “Well,” he said. “You could’ve said something a little earlier.”
Hijikata squeezed his eyes shut, slapping his palm against his forehead. “Why do I do this?” he moaned. “Why do I put myself through this? I don’t even like you that much, ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ won’t even begin to cover my ass when Kondou finds out, and I haven’t slept well since we’ve started fucking because I have to sneak past my own men at four in the morning to get back into the Shinsengumi compound! And on top of that, I have to keep this hidden from Sougo. Sougo! Who sniffs out humiliating things like- like Kondou sniffs out Otae’s schedule-”
He was interrupted by Gintoki fisting one messy hand into Hijikata’s nice, clean hair.
Hijikata went rigidly still. “You,” he said, in a voice that sounded like nails scraping down a blackboard. “What do you think you’re doing?”
Gintoki tightened his grip in Hijikata’s hair. “Come on, Hijikata-kun,” he drawled. “Live a little. Loosen up.” And, leering broadly, he shoved Hijikata to his knees.
You know, it honestly bewilders me that all of these include Hijikata. Believe it or not, he's actually not my favorite character in Gintama-that title belongs to Gintoki, who has comforted me through many a cold and lonely night spent slaving over my orgo textbook. Gintoki and I, we have history.
It's probably because Hijikata's relatively sane. *g* He makes such a nice foil.