Fic: Why Bros Use Do Not Disturb Signs
Title: Why Bros Use Do Not Disturb Signs
Author: shana
Dedication: To mariallegra
Disclaimer: They do not belong to me. Also, not true. I made it all up.
Characters: Phil Kessel/Nazem Kadri, Tyler Bozak
Rating: R
Word Count: 1753
A.N: Thanks to liroa15 for the beta.
Warning: Profanity, lots of profanity. Also what I tend to think of as social misogyny.
The situation between him and Kadri is one about which they don't talk. It's about hand jobs in the shower when they're the last ones and rough, dirty fucks in hotel rooms. That's one thing that's really great about the new CBA: no more roommates to try and work around.
What this thing between Naz and himself isn't about is feelings or emotions or any of that girly shit. It's about sex. It's about getting off, pure and simple. And that makes it the most straightforward part of his life. Nothing to worry about. Not really.
When they both have the time and desire, they get together, grind one out, and it's good. It might not be the best sex he's ever had because he's pretty sure he was too drunk to remember the best sex he's ever had, but it's not bad. And it's certainly the easiest sex he's ever had. Even as a fuck buddy, Naz is really low maintenance. Better yet, Naz totally gets the bromance he's got going on with Bozie.
It works; it makes his life better. Helps his game, and anything that helps him play better hockey has got to be a good thing over all. So he doesn't spend too much time thinking about it, except every once in a while thinking about the next time they're going to get off together.
Which explains why he wasn't expecting Bozie to let himself into Phil's room when they're in Calgary. There's not like he's got anything he wants to do, and Bozie's supposed to be busy with his family who came in from Regina. In short, it's not his fault that Nazzy's still fucking buck-naked and looking like he's just had a ton of amazing sex. Phil's not one to brag, but it was pretty good.
Bozie stops, just inside the door, and Phil can practically see the wheels turning in Bozie's head. It's not exactly rocket science to figure out what they've been up to. The whole room reeks of sex.
"I'll just go," Tyler manages to stutter, trying to look anywhere but at Naz and turning bright red. "Didn't mean to get in the way of this whatever this is."
Naz, because he's an annoying fucker, picks that moment to stretch and advertise the fact he's got nothing on and nothing of which to be ashamed. Oh, and it draws Tyler's eyes to the red marks on Naz's hips quicker than Phil would have ever thought possible.
As if things weren't obvious enough before.
"Don't have to. Kes and I were done anyway. Just let me get my shit together, and I'll be out of here. I wanted to see what Loops was doing anyway. You can have your BFF bonding time so you both don't like wither and die."
Phil has to fight to keep his face blank, not to let Naz know that he's hit a nerve because they'll never hear the end of it if he admits to feeling like he doesn't see enough of Bozie on the road.
Naz grabs his track pants, tank top, and hoodie, slides past Bozie, and out the door like nothing happened. Phil's got to admire Naz's balls for that. He's not sure he would have been able to pull that one off without blushing or looking away.
Not Naz.
Bozie waits until the door closes, Phil's found a shirt, and pulled it on before he starts to speak. Which is nice of him, Phil supposes.
"Nazzy? Out of everyone on the damn team, you picked him?"
"He offered. And it's not like I was going to turn down a whole lot of uncomplicated sex."
"And you didn't think you should mention you where boning some from the team? That's the kind of thing you tell your bros so they don't walk into your hotel room and get an eyeful of Naz's naked ass."
"It wasn't that bad."
"Of course you don't think so. You see it all the time. So don't even start man. I could have gone my whole life without seeing Naz naked anywhere but the locker room and been happy."
"Whatever. You've seen worse. You've hit worse. It's not like you went blind." And that much is true, at least. Bozie has spectacularly bad taste.
"That's not it." Bozie comes further into the room, glancing at the rumpled bed before settling into one of the uncomfortable chairs that are always in their hotel rooms.
"Then what is? And aren't you supposed to be visiting your family?"
"Don't change the subject. The point is you're fucking Kadri."
"Only sometimes. Sometimes he fucks me, and sometimes we just get each other off. It's good. Works for us."
"Naz?"
"What's wrong with him?"
"Nothing. He's cool. I'm just surprised. I wouldn't have thought it would be him that was your fuck buddy."
"He's a good guy. Why are you being such a weirdo about this? It's not like Naz is some hooker. You know him. He's not going to rat me out to the press."
"And management."
"They already know."
"So, what? I was the last one to know?" Bozie's voice is rising now, like he's getting upset, and Phil has no clue why.
"Don't be an idiot. No one on the team knows. You don't talk about who you're banging for stress relief, stupid."
"God, you're stupid, Phil. It's not that you're doing a guy, you jackass. I believe all that You Can Play shit. I don't have a problem with you doing the friends-with-benefits thing. Or even the lineys-with-benefits thing, but why Naz?"
"Jesus, you're really hung up on the fact it's Naz, aren't you?"
"No. It's more that you're fucking someone we both play with and you didn't think to tell me. Aren't we supposed to share everything?"
"Are we fifteen year old girls? I don't have to tell you everything."
Bozie concedes that point with a wave of his hand. "Still, what the hell? You're fucking Naz, and you don't think that deserves a heads up. Fuck you, man."
"And you're back to that. You're like a dog with a bone, Bozie."
Of all the things for Bozie to be stuck on, the fact he's got a thing going on with Naz would be low on Phil's list. And he'd be wrong because whatever the fuck is bugging Bozie, it's totally got something to do with the fact he just fucked Naz.
"I'm not back to anything. I just can't believe you're risking so much team chemistry for a fuck. Isn't there like a groupie or something who's in awe of the fact you're Phil Kessel you can do this with?"
"It's not a quick fuck. It's just two guys who get along releasing some tension together. God, you're touchy. You need to find someone of your own to release some of that tension with."
"What? Naz is off the table?"
"Didn't see you as the type to go after a guy I'm fucking."
"Well, we can't all be so lucky as to stumble across a guy that wants a series of no-strings-attached fucks. Maybe I should get in on the action."
"Jesus Christ, Bozie. What the fuck is actually wrong with you? You just said you don't have a problem with the fact I fuck guys too."
"I told you I believe in You Can Play as much as you. I meant it."
"Then what t he fuck is your problem? You say it's not that it's Naz or that it's a guy. But you're sitting here and having a major bitchfit over nothing."
"I'm not having a bitchfit."
"Then what would you call this?"
"I'm just trying to figure out how the hell I missed this. We're best friends. For fuck's sake, we live together."
"Jesus, you're going to be a girl about this. I never would have guessed you'd be such a pain in the ass about who I'm fucking."
"I'm not being a pain in the ass," Bozie bitches.
"You really are. If I didn't know better, I'd say you're jealous."
"I'm not jealous. Jesus. But maybe I'm a little bit worried about how you're fixated on Naz's ass."
"I think you're more obsessed with it than I've ever been," Phil jokes.
The look on Bozie's face is completely amazing. Like a cross between pissed off and surprised.
"My God! You're actually jealous. I was joking before, but I was right. You're jealous of me for nailing Naz. You should have said something, you idiot."
Phil watches Bozie shift on the chair like the conversation's making him uncomfortable. Which is just tough shit. Bozie started all of this by having his big gay freakout over Nazzy's ass.
Bozie's face is bright red, and for a second, Phil considers making fun of Bozie for being so fucking awful about his man crushes. Phil's going to go with the fact that Bozie's got no clue how to deal with the whole boner for a guy thing.
"Seriously, you want to talk about the fact you want to nail Naz? I'm a big boy; I can deal with the whole thing where you want to bang the guy I'm hitting."
"I don't want to bang, Naz. Jesus, Kes. I don't know where you get this shit."
"You're jealous of me. That's normal. I'm obviously more talented and better looking, and I do get to bang the guy you won't stop talking about."
"You're not boning the guy I want."
"And now you're covering for the fact I figured it out. What's that saying? The lady that protests too much or something."
"Jackass," Bozie grumbles. "You're the one doing this thing and not even putting up a do not disturb sign to warn a bro."
"I think you liked the show. Naz spread out all over my bed like that. It certainly seemed to get Naz off."
"You're an asshole, Kes. You know that, right?"
"You love it."
"It only makes me think your dick is small. Remember, I've seen it plenty."
"Oh, it's going to be like that?" Phil's more comfortable with them acting like this. He's always been a hockey player, and hockey players like to be the best.
"It's already like that. I'm just bigger."
"What are you on? You're crazy of you think your dick bigger than mine. it's just obvious you're jealous of the fact I'm better in bed."
"Naz obviously sucked your brain out of your dick."
"Jealous," Phil sing-songs.
"Oh shut up. Is there anything on T.V.? I'm sick of talking about your sex life."
"Because you don't have one," Phil taunts.
"Yeah, you're so much better just because you have a fuck buddy," Bozie replies, sarcasm thick in his voice.
"I'm just so much better, period."
"Oh fuck off. Turn on the T.V. I don't want to look at your face anymore."
This is normal. This is good. Nothing's changed. He can do this despite Bozie being weird.
Fini.
Notes:
1. This is set after the October 30, 2013 game against the Calgary Flames.
2. Bozak is from Regina. The Flames are a popular team in Regina, and it's not inconceivable that the Bozak family would travel to Calgary.
This fic is locked to friends until the moderator reveals everything on AO3.
S
Author: shana
Dedication: To mariallegra
Disclaimer: They do not belong to me. Also, not true. I made it all up.
Characters: Phil Kessel/Nazem Kadri, Tyler Bozak
Rating: R
Word Count: 1753
A.N: Thanks to liroa15 for the beta.
Warning: Profanity, lots of profanity. Also what I tend to think of as social misogyny.
The situation between him and Kadri is one about which they don't talk. It's about hand jobs in the shower when they're the last ones and rough, dirty fucks in hotel rooms. That's one thing that's really great about the new CBA: no more roommates to try and work around.
What this thing between Naz and himself isn't about is feelings or emotions or any of that girly shit. It's about sex. It's about getting off, pure and simple. And that makes it the most straightforward part of his life. Nothing to worry about. Not really.
When they both have the time and desire, they get together, grind one out, and it's good. It might not be the best sex he's ever had because he's pretty sure he was too drunk to remember the best sex he's ever had, but it's not bad. And it's certainly the easiest sex he's ever had. Even as a fuck buddy, Naz is really low maintenance. Better yet, Naz totally gets the bromance he's got going on with Bozie.
It works; it makes his life better. Helps his game, and anything that helps him play better hockey has got to be a good thing over all. So he doesn't spend too much time thinking about it, except every once in a while thinking about the next time they're going to get off together.
Which explains why he wasn't expecting Bozie to let himself into Phil's room when they're in Calgary. There's not like he's got anything he wants to do, and Bozie's supposed to be busy with his family who came in from Regina. In short, it's not his fault that Nazzy's still fucking buck-naked and looking like he's just had a ton of amazing sex. Phil's not one to brag, but it was pretty good.
Bozie stops, just inside the door, and Phil can practically see the wheels turning in Bozie's head. It's not exactly rocket science to figure out what they've been up to. The whole room reeks of sex.
"I'll just go," Tyler manages to stutter, trying to look anywhere but at Naz and turning bright red. "Didn't mean to get in the way of this whatever this is."
Naz, because he's an annoying fucker, picks that moment to stretch and advertise the fact he's got nothing on and nothing of which to be ashamed. Oh, and it draws Tyler's eyes to the red marks on Naz's hips quicker than Phil would have ever thought possible.
As if things weren't obvious enough before.
"Don't have to. Kes and I were done anyway. Just let me get my shit together, and I'll be out of here. I wanted to see what Loops was doing anyway. You can have your BFF bonding time so you both don't like wither and die."
Phil has to fight to keep his face blank, not to let Naz know that he's hit a nerve because they'll never hear the end of it if he admits to feeling like he doesn't see enough of Bozie on the road.
Naz grabs his track pants, tank top, and hoodie, slides past Bozie, and out the door like nothing happened. Phil's got to admire Naz's balls for that. He's not sure he would have been able to pull that one off without blushing or looking away.
Not Naz.
Bozie waits until the door closes, Phil's found a shirt, and pulled it on before he starts to speak. Which is nice of him, Phil supposes.
"Nazzy? Out of everyone on the damn team, you picked him?"
"He offered. And it's not like I was going to turn down a whole lot of uncomplicated sex."
"And you didn't think you should mention you where boning some from the team? That's the kind of thing you tell your bros so they don't walk into your hotel room and get an eyeful of Naz's naked ass."
"It wasn't that bad."
"Of course you don't think so. You see it all the time. So don't even start man. I could have gone my whole life without seeing Naz naked anywhere but the locker room and been happy."
"Whatever. You've seen worse. You've hit worse. It's not like you went blind." And that much is true, at least. Bozie has spectacularly bad taste.
"That's not it." Bozie comes further into the room, glancing at the rumpled bed before settling into one of the uncomfortable chairs that are always in their hotel rooms.
"Then what is? And aren't you supposed to be visiting your family?"
"Don't change the subject. The point is you're fucking Kadri."
"Only sometimes. Sometimes he fucks me, and sometimes we just get each other off. It's good. Works for us."
"Naz?"
"What's wrong with him?"
"Nothing. He's cool. I'm just surprised. I wouldn't have thought it would be him that was your fuck buddy."
"He's a good guy. Why are you being such a weirdo about this? It's not like Naz is some hooker. You know him. He's not going to rat me out to the press."
"And management."
"They already know."
"So, what? I was the last one to know?" Bozie's voice is rising now, like he's getting upset, and Phil has no clue why.
"Don't be an idiot. No one on the team knows. You don't talk about who you're banging for stress relief, stupid."
"God, you're stupid, Phil. It's not that you're doing a guy, you jackass. I believe all that You Can Play shit. I don't have a problem with you doing the friends-with-benefits thing. Or even the lineys-with-benefits thing, but why Naz?"
"Jesus, you're really hung up on the fact it's Naz, aren't you?"
"No. It's more that you're fucking someone we both play with and you didn't think to tell me. Aren't we supposed to share everything?"
"Are we fifteen year old girls? I don't have to tell you everything."
Bozie concedes that point with a wave of his hand. "Still, what the hell? You're fucking Naz, and you don't think that deserves a heads up. Fuck you, man."
"And you're back to that. You're like a dog with a bone, Bozie."
Of all the things for Bozie to be stuck on, the fact he's got a thing going on with Naz would be low on Phil's list. And he'd be wrong because whatever the fuck is bugging Bozie, it's totally got something to do with the fact he just fucked Naz.
"I'm not back to anything. I just can't believe you're risking so much team chemistry for a fuck. Isn't there like a groupie or something who's in awe of the fact you're Phil Kessel you can do this with?"
"It's not a quick fuck. It's just two guys who get along releasing some tension together. God, you're touchy. You need to find someone of your own to release some of that tension with."
"What? Naz is off the table?"
"Didn't see you as the type to go after a guy I'm fucking."
"Well, we can't all be so lucky as to stumble across a guy that wants a series of no-strings-attached fucks. Maybe I should get in on the action."
"Jesus Christ, Bozie. What the fuck is actually wrong with you? You just said you don't have a problem with the fact I fuck guys too."
"I told you I believe in You Can Play as much as you. I meant it."
"Then what t he fuck is your problem? You say it's not that it's Naz or that it's a guy. But you're sitting here and having a major bitchfit over nothing."
"I'm not having a bitchfit."
"Then what would you call this?"
"I'm just trying to figure out how the hell I missed this. We're best friends. For fuck's sake, we live together."
"Jesus, you're going to be a girl about this. I never would have guessed you'd be such a pain in the ass about who I'm fucking."
"I'm not being a pain in the ass," Bozie bitches.
"You really are. If I didn't know better, I'd say you're jealous."
"I'm not jealous. Jesus. But maybe I'm a little bit worried about how you're fixated on Naz's ass."
"I think you're more obsessed with it than I've ever been," Phil jokes.
The look on Bozie's face is completely amazing. Like a cross between pissed off and surprised.
"My God! You're actually jealous. I was joking before, but I was right. You're jealous of me for nailing Naz. You should have said something, you idiot."
Phil watches Bozie shift on the chair like the conversation's making him uncomfortable. Which is just tough shit. Bozie started all of this by having his big gay freakout over Nazzy's ass.
Bozie's face is bright red, and for a second, Phil considers making fun of Bozie for being so fucking awful about his man crushes. Phil's going to go with the fact that Bozie's got no clue how to deal with the whole boner for a guy thing.
"Seriously, you want to talk about the fact you want to nail Naz? I'm a big boy; I can deal with the whole thing where you want to bang the guy I'm hitting."
"I don't want to bang, Naz. Jesus, Kes. I don't know where you get this shit."
"You're jealous of me. That's normal. I'm obviously more talented and better looking, and I do get to bang the guy you won't stop talking about."
"You're not boning the guy I want."
"And now you're covering for the fact I figured it out. What's that saying? The lady that protests too much or something."
"Jackass," Bozie grumbles. "You're the one doing this thing and not even putting up a do not disturb sign to warn a bro."
"I think you liked the show. Naz spread out all over my bed like that. It certainly seemed to get Naz off."
"You're an asshole, Kes. You know that, right?"
"You love it."
"It only makes me think your dick is small. Remember, I've seen it plenty."
"Oh, it's going to be like that?" Phil's more comfortable with them acting like this. He's always been a hockey player, and hockey players like to be the best.
"It's already like that. I'm just bigger."
"What are you on? You're crazy of you think your dick bigger than mine. it's just obvious you're jealous of the fact I'm better in bed."
"Naz obviously sucked your brain out of your dick."
"Jealous," Phil sing-songs.
"Oh shut up. Is there anything on T.V.? I'm sick of talking about your sex life."
"Because you don't have one," Phil taunts.
"Yeah, you're so much better just because you have a fuck buddy," Bozie replies, sarcasm thick in his voice.
"I'm just so much better, period."
"Oh fuck off. Turn on the T.V. I don't want to look at your face anymore."
This is normal. This is good. Nothing's changed. He can do this despite Bozie being weird.
Fini.
Notes:
1. This is set after the October 30, 2013 game against the Calgary Flames.
2. Bozak is from Regina. The Flames are a popular team in Regina, and it's not inconceivable that the Bozak family would travel to Calgary.
This fic is locked to friends until the moderator reveals everything on AO3.
S