(no subject)
I've been mulling around this post in my mind for sometime, and I'm just drunk enough to say it... I'm an atheist. Now don't get me wrong, it's not that I think faith in a higher being is a bad thing, I just simply cannot look at the world and all of life and simply seek to explain everything away as "god did it".
It's been a long time in admitting this, I've struggled between my own desire to want to know that everything I've been taught has been true, that somewhere there's a being of supreme power that is willing to forgive me of all my guilt and despair. But there isn't. There's only us, this life, and what we make of it.
The sad thing is, I want to believe. I want a god to be real just as much as I want there to be a world of magic and fantasy where I'm the hero. But there isn't. To be the hero is more than simply having the role thrust upon you, it's accepting a responsibility, a calling that you didn't choose. We all take that same calling, but while we do not choose our lives, we choose what we make of it. That, I think, is what the essence of a lack of belief in a divine being brings, a freedom from the belief that we are pre-ordained to follow a path and that what we experience has a purpose.
In truth, the purpose is only what we provide to it, whether we see it as omen or as a blessing, what is beyond our control simply happens, not because of any mysterious force seeking to punush us for our imagined misdeeds, they simply... happen.
I'm not just a cynic saying this either, I'm a true convert. I've seen things I attributed to the act of god. When I was 14, a forest fire threatened a church sponsored boy scout camp, and together we all prayed for deliverence, and lo and behold, a great storm arose from the east depositing a carpet of hail over the blaze. Looking back, it is difficult to ascribe this to anything other than mere coincidence and good fortune, let alone to a divine act. even if such things were to be garnered from the experience, more benefit can be attributed to the hours of toil of brave scouts in quenching the fire.
Or maybe I can look to acts of blasphemy, like when I performed a prayer for my unit in the navy, asking the lord to allow us to "kick the asses" of the opposing units. Two days later, I suffered a grevious injury due to an apparently latent defect. hould I ascribe this to some punishement from the beyond? Of course not, again, mere coincidence and chance. What god would punish their follower for asking favor in their native and accustomed language?
Or perhap I could look to the mere act of questioning and curiosity? To examine my own study of Dawkins' God Deluion and the intricacies of life and being, and the universe, only to feel the hollow place in my heart upon the passing of my mother. Looking upon her body only to see it empty of life, to know that any experience it had contained is left in nothing more than decaying neurons. But then I realized that her life and actions are what matter, not what came afterwards. It is in life that we find immortality, through our deeds and accomplishments. Whatever our conscience may offer dies with our bodies, if there is a soul, it is something that has to be conveyed from our actions, not kept hidden within our secret selves.
I don't mean to trouble anyone with my own personal thoughts, and no one is forced to read this. I've just had a difficult time coming to terms with my own beliefs and understanding of the world. My mother's death a year ago forced me to attempt to reconcile my own beliefs with hers and those of the community I was raised in. Upon trying to reconnect, it's left me realizing that there's a gulf there that I simply cannot bridge. It is that gap of understanding that leaves me fearing that I will remain intellectually isolated when I return to Utah, that I will have to hide who I am and will forever have to simply smile and nod to restrain myself from expressing any ideas that might rock the boat.
I've come to realize over the years that hope is a terrible thing, but only in one aspect. Hope that something will happen is nothing more than a false hope that leads to disappointment. But true hope is faith in ourselves and in our fellow human beings to have the capability to overcome whatever obstacles are in our path. It is this second path that must be developed if mankind as a species is ever to succeed. They say that there are no atheists in a foxhole, but I say, better an atheist who believes in himself and his comrades than a theist praying to an absent god.
I mean no offense by this post. These are my own personal beliefs, thoughts, epiphanies, etc. and nothing else. I feel compelled to post this because I feel disconnected from who I am, or was, due to all the constraints placed upon me. Thankfully, I feel better for it as I slowly come to terms with my own faith in myself.