Crack fic: "With 6 You Get Unicorns" by cupidsbow
Okay. You asked for it. Don't blame me for the resulting eye trauma.
Title: With 6 You Get Unicorns
Author: cupidsbow
Fandom: Stargate: Atlantis
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard
Rating: NC-17, for the trifecta: sex, violence, death
Summary: Sequel ahoy. With unicorns.
Series: 8 ways not to write a fanfic
For: This was meant to be a thank you to sandrainthesun for her glorious art, but giving someone a badfic doesn't seem like such a great gift, so, um... it's the thought that counts?
Note: See, it's like this. To be a true representative of the badfic genre, a story must be part of a sprawling unfinished series, right? Right. And I know I promised not to write any more in this 'verse if you left lots of comments, and you all more than lived up to your part of the bargain. But you guys, sandrainthesun made an awesome cover! And it has unicorns! If that is not crying out for a sequel, I don't know what is. Also? Don't say I didn't warn you, because this is so bad, I can't even believe it myself.
1.
"Oh God," Rodney husked, his voice almost gone from screaming. "John, I can't, I can't..." He was slick with sweat, his whole body tense, his needy fuckrod dripping all over his belly, just begging to be touched.
It was the hottest thing John had ever seen, but he didn't want their first time to be over too soon, so he went back to teasing: he sucked a kiss on Rodney's sensitive neck, making him arch and shout his name again. "Shh, sweetie," he crooned. "We've only just begun, and I'm gonna fuck you all night long."
"Yes," Rodney begged, his eyes rolling back, showing the whites. "Do me, do me, make it hurt!"
Careful not to get tangled in the chains joining the nipple-clamps to the cockring around Rodney's raging tumescence, John nibbled the shell of Rodney's ear, and then boldly stuck his tongue in the hole.
"Nooooo!" Rodney screamed, his naked body shivering like a dog just out of a bath as a jet of cum shot from his cock and hit the underside of his chin. "Uh. Uh. Uh." Jet after jet of hot cum.
John wrapped his hand around Rodney's manhood and milked the last of Rodney's jism. He was feeling smug. Not only was that the hottest orgasm he'd ever seen, but now he'd be able to fuck Rodney while he was limp with exhaustion. It was going to be so good.
"Oh, God," Rodney said, finally opening his eyes again and staring at John. His expression was odd, but John wasn't worried until Rodney suddenly pushed him away and babbled out, "I'm so sorry. God, I'm sorry. I won't do it again. I promise."
He was up off the bed before John could get his lust-fogged wits together, and had pulled on his pants while John was dazedly saying, "What? Rodney, where are you--" and then he was grabbing the rest of his clothes, casting a guilty glance at John over his shoulder, and was out the door, nipple-clamps glinting in the waning moonlight.
"Well, shit," said John, staring down at his dick, which was still diamond-hard. He glanced at the door, then down at his dick. Door. Dick.
Damn Rodney anyway. There were some choices a man should just never have to make.
* * *
2.
The doors out onto the piers swished open, startling Dr Shaylindra, but it was just Rodney who barged through, so she went back to checking the algae traps at the end of the pier.
Rodney stopped before he reached her, and stood braced against the railing staring up at the last sliver of moon, which was hanging low in the starlit sky. "What have I done?" Rodney murmured. He seemed to barely noticed the beauty of the scene.
Dr Shaylindra, stayed in the shadows, gazing at the sad curve of Rodney's naked back. She pushed the lustrous locks of her blonde hair out of her eyes so that she could see him better, catching a glimpse of her moon-limned reflection in one of Atlantis's windows as she did so: the green of her normally bright eyes was dulled with worry in response to the aura of Rodney's pain, the pale ivory of her skin was even paler than usual in the dim light. Her uniform was a little damp from her experiments and clung to her slender frame like a second skin. Rodney covered his eyes with one hand and groaned, and Dr Shaylindra shivered in sympathy.
He was so lost in his misery that he didn't even hear her approach, and he startled at the touch of a concerned hand on his arm. "What?" he snapped, bristling defensively, but she just looked at him.
After a moment his shoulders slumped in defeat, and he looked at her with the same hopeless expression he'd worn when the two of them had been stuck in the time dilation field for three months. It broke her heart, and she determined at once that she would fix whatever was wrong.
Ever since Katie Brown had left Atlantis, Dr Shaylindra had allowed herself to hope... but she had always known that Rodney would never be hers. His love for the Colonel shone like a sun going nova, and she had resigned herself to being the best friend she could be. Now it seemed that Rodney's bright love was flickering and in danger of going out.
Putting aside her own feelings, she gently asked, "Is it the Colonel?" At Rodney's nod, she said, "What happened? It can't be that bad." For she knew that they could never really hurt each other, because their love was as true as gravity, even though they were both hot-headed men and they often said things in the heat of the moment that they didn't mean.
"Oh, Shaylindra, it's hopeless," Rodney said. "I've ruined everything." And then his breath hitched, and Shaylindra gently pulled his head down to rest on her shoulder and he sobbed with uncontrollable loss.
* * *
3.
John sat in the dark of his room, staring sightlessly at the ceiling. He had taken care of business and then followed Rodney down to the east pier, only to see him in a clinch with Dr Shaylindra.
A dark, racing feeling swept through John -- Rodney was his and no marine biologist was going to take him away!
John ruthlessly pushed the feeling down, just as he had every time it had tried to rise up and take him over in the last half hour. Because he couldn't help but remember the panicked look on Rodney's face after he'd come -- as though he'd been scared of having sex with John. Maybe Rodney had left like that because John had let something slip! Maybe Rodney knew John's secret and was disgusted. And John couldn't really blame him. He'd run halfway across the universe to try and escape the legacy of his family, but it was time to face facts: he couldn't escape himself.
So maybe if Rodney could find happiness with someone else -- someone normal -- John should let him, even if the dark tide within his blood was drumming out the urgent imperative to fuck Rodney hard -- right now -- and stake his claim so deeply in Rodney's heart that no one would ever be able to break it!
* * *
4.
The first Rodney knew that something was wrong was when a shiver of revulsion ran down his spine. And then Shaylindra was gasping, taking a step back, and when Rodney turned, there was Kolya surrounded by swirling arms of light.
"But you're dead!" Rodney gasped.
"You didn't really think you'd get away from me that easily, did you?" Koala gloated. "I took a leaf out of the Ancients' book and looked into ascension. And now," he gave Rodney a savage grin, "I'm going to make you pay for what you did to me and mine!"
One of the arms of light stabbed out and thrust itself into Rodney's forehead, and the pain was so intense that Rodney barely noticed Shaylindra slipping away.
* * *
5.
John was in the mess, glaring at the glass of orange juice in front of him, which he might as well drink now that he no longer had Rodney, when his earpiece crackled and it was her. He didn't want to hear it, but his ear tuned in automatically when she said, Kolya and ascension and Rodney. John's blood ran cold, and he was out of the mess supernaturally fast.
Over the radio, John could hear Zelenka's voice saying, "There is no way to stop such an energy being! Ele merece a morrer. Então o seu trabalho será mina!"
But Zelenka was wrong. John knew a way, and even if he'd lost Rodney forever, it would still be worth risking everything to save him!
John dashed out onto the pier, running full tilt towards Kolya and Rodney.
Koyla saw him immediately, and he smiled, stabbing another glowing tentacle into Rodney's body. Rodney screamed. John saw red.
"Let him go, or I'll kill you," John said.
Kolya laughed. "And how do you plan to do that?" he said.
"The usual way," said John, and let the dark need to ravish Rodney and claim him as his own take over, rushing through his body and rippling along his skin, until he was standing on the pier in his real form -- the cool dawn breeze ruffling his mane, his powerful flanks powering him towards his target. John lowered his head, aiming his horn right at Kolya's ascended heart, knowing the magic in it would destroy any evil it touched.
Kolya's eyes widened as he realised that he was in danger, and he swung Rodney around so that he was directly in John's path! John tried to slow, but his momentum was too great.
And then Shaylindra was there! Pushing Rodney aside and out of harm's way!
John's skidded the last few inches forward, his horn piercing Shaylindra, passing through her, and stabbing into Koyla.
"Curse you!" Kolya shrieked, "Don't think this is the end, Sheppard!" He writhed on the end of John's horn, and then exploded into a puff of spangly dust.
Dr Shaylindra, her ash-blonde hair waving a little in the breeze, took one last gasping breath and reached out to touch John's mane. "Rodney loves you so much," she whispered. "Be good to him." And then she closed her eyes and disappeared in a flash of white light.
John felt a terrible regret for having judged her so harshly.
"John?" Rodney said weakly, staring up at him from where he was lying sprawled on the deck. "Is that really you?"
John lowered his head and gently touched Rodney with his horn, healing the wounds Koyla had made in his mind. Then he changed back into his human shape before sadly turning and walking away, knowing that Rodney couldn't want him now that John's terrible secret had been exposed.
6.
Rodney knew he wasn't good enough for John; he'd known all along, although it had been nice to pretend for a while. But then his terrible failure to hold off his orgasm until John's command had driven the point home: he was hopelessly outclassed.
And now he knew why. John was even more special than Rodney had dreamed. He was a unicorn! It almost wasn't a surprise, because John had always been so magical -- just a little too good to be entirely human. Rodney would remember the rippling power of John's body as it changed into that glorious equine form for the rest of his life. He would do anything to touch John's mane, just once.
That wasn't why he was standing outside John's door, however. He was there to make sure John knew his secret was safe. Rodney would never tell. And if this was the last time he got to have an intimate conversation with John... well. He'd just learn to live with the loss. Reluctantly, he pressed the chime.
The door slid open, and all Rodney's assurances dried up on his tongue. John was standing there with just a towel wrapped around his waist, and beads of water dripping down his chest. John seemed just as tongue-tied, as though he hadn't expected Rodney to be the one outside his door, and they stared at each other for a long moment.
Rodney wasn't sure what happened next, but the door was sliding shut behind him and they were kissing and kissing like they'd never get enough of each other.
"Mine," John growled, as though it was that simple; as though he didn't care that Rodney wasn't good enough; as though Rodney was everything to him.
Rodney went instantly hard. "Yes," he said, "yours," and he shivered with the memory of John's powerful flanks and the way they'd shone silver in the dawn light. He found himself confessing, demanding: "Ride me, take me, make me yours."
And John kissed him again before pushing him down on the bed, saying with an affectionate smile at odds with the strength of his body, "Oh, Rodney. Yes, yes, I'll ride you like you've never been ridden before. From now on, you'll always be my little pony."
finis
* * *
Final note: I told you! But did you listen? Oh, noooo. Well, I hope you're happy now. *hands out sporks and brainbleach*
ETA: Once again all your comments have totally cracked me up. You're just encouraging me. You do realise that?
Title: With 6 You Get Unicorns
Author: cupidsbow
Fandom: Stargate: Atlantis
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard
Rating: NC-17, for the trifecta: sex, violence, death
Summary: Sequel ahoy. With unicorns.
Series: 8 ways not to write a fanfic
For: This was meant to be a thank you to sandrainthesun for her glorious art, but giving someone a badfic doesn't seem like such a great gift, so, um... it's the thought that counts?
Note: See, it's like this. To be a true representative of the badfic genre, a story must be part of a sprawling unfinished series, right? Right. And I know I promised not to write any more in this 'verse if you left lots of comments, and you all more than lived up to your part of the bargain. But you guys, sandrainthesun made an awesome cover! And it has unicorns! If that is not crying out for a sequel, I don't know what is. Also? Don't say I didn't warn you, because this is so bad, I can't even believe it myself.
1.
"Oh God," Rodney husked, his voice almost gone from screaming. "John, I can't, I can't..." He was slick with sweat, his whole body tense, his needy fuckrod dripping all over his belly, just begging to be touched.
It was the hottest thing John had ever seen, but he didn't want their first time to be over too soon, so he went back to teasing: he sucked a kiss on Rodney's sensitive neck, making him arch and shout his name again. "Shh, sweetie," he crooned. "We've only just begun, and I'm gonna fuck you all night long."
"Yes," Rodney begged, his eyes rolling back, showing the whites. "Do me, do me, make it hurt!"
Careful not to get tangled in the chains joining the nipple-clamps to the cockring around Rodney's raging tumescence, John nibbled the shell of Rodney's ear, and then boldly stuck his tongue in the hole.
"Nooooo!" Rodney screamed, his naked body shivering like a dog just out of a bath as a jet of cum shot from his cock and hit the underside of his chin. "Uh. Uh. Uh." Jet after jet of hot cum.
John wrapped his hand around Rodney's manhood and milked the last of Rodney's jism. He was feeling smug. Not only was that the hottest orgasm he'd ever seen, but now he'd be able to fuck Rodney while he was limp with exhaustion. It was going to be so good.
"Oh, God," Rodney said, finally opening his eyes again and staring at John. His expression was odd, but John wasn't worried until Rodney suddenly pushed him away and babbled out, "I'm so sorry. God, I'm sorry. I won't do it again. I promise."
He was up off the bed before John could get his lust-fogged wits together, and had pulled on his pants while John was dazedly saying, "What? Rodney, where are you--" and then he was grabbing the rest of his clothes, casting a guilty glance at John over his shoulder, and was out the door, nipple-clamps glinting in the waning moonlight.
"Well, shit," said John, staring down at his dick, which was still diamond-hard. He glanced at the door, then down at his dick. Door. Dick.
Damn Rodney anyway. There were some choices a man should just never have to make.
* * *
2.
The doors out onto the piers swished open, startling Dr Shaylindra, but it was just Rodney who barged through, so she went back to checking the algae traps at the end of the pier.
Rodney stopped before he reached her, and stood braced against the railing staring up at the last sliver of moon, which was hanging low in the starlit sky. "What have I done?" Rodney murmured. He seemed to barely noticed the beauty of the scene.
Dr Shaylindra, stayed in the shadows, gazing at the sad curve of Rodney's naked back. She pushed the lustrous locks of her blonde hair out of her eyes so that she could see him better, catching a glimpse of her moon-limned reflection in one of Atlantis's windows as she did so: the green of her normally bright eyes was dulled with worry in response to the aura of Rodney's pain, the pale ivory of her skin was even paler than usual in the dim light. Her uniform was a little damp from her experiments and clung to her slender frame like a second skin. Rodney covered his eyes with one hand and groaned, and Dr Shaylindra shivered in sympathy.
He was so lost in his misery that he didn't even hear her approach, and he startled at the touch of a concerned hand on his arm. "What?" he snapped, bristling defensively, but she just looked at him.
After a moment his shoulders slumped in defeat, and he looked at her with the same hopeless expression he'd worn when the two of them had been stuck in the time dilation field for three months. It broke her heart, and she determined at once that she would fix whatever was wrong.
Ever since Katie Brown had left Atlantis, Dr Shaylindra had allowed herself to hope... but she had always known that Rodney would never be hers. His love for the Colonel shone like a sun going nova, and she had resigned herself to being the best friend she could be. Now it seemed that Rodney's bright love was flickering and in danger of going out.
Putting aside her own feelings, she gently asked, "Is it the Colonel?" At Rodney's nod, she said, "What happened? It can't be that bad." For she knew that they could never really hurt each other, because their love was as true as gravity, even though they were both hot-headed men and they often said things in the heat of the moment that they didn't mean.
"Oh, Shaylindra, it's hopeless," Rodney said. "I've ruined everything." And then his breath hitched, and Shaylindra gently pulled his head down to rest on her shoulder and he sobbed with uncontrollable loss.
* * *
3.
John sat in the dark of his room, staring sightlessly at the ceiling. He had taken care of business and then followed Rodney down to the east pier, only to see him in a clinch with Dr Shaylindra.
A dark, racing feeling swept through John -- Rodney was his and no marine biologist was going to take him away!
John ruthlessly pushed the feeling down, just as he had every time it had tried to rise up and take him over in the last half hour. Because he couldn't help but remember the panicked look on Rodney's face after he'd come -- as though he'd been scared of having sex with John. Maybe Rodney had left like that because John had let something slip! Maybe Rodney knew John's secret and was disgusted. And John couldn't really blame him. He'd run halfway across the universe to try and escape the legacy of his family, but it was time to face facts: he couldn't escape himself.
So maybe if Rodney could find happiness with someone else -- someone normal -- John should let him, even if the dark tide within his blood was drumming out the urgent imperative to fuck Rodney hard -- right now -- and stake his claim so deeply in Rodney's heart that no one would ever be able to break it!
* * *
4.
The first Rodney knew that something was wrong was when a shiver of revulsion ran down his spine. And then Shaylindra was gasping, taking a step back, and when Rodney turned, there was Kolya surrounded by swirling arms of light.
"But you're dead!" Rodney gasped.
"You didn't really think you'd get away from me that easily, did you?" Koala gloated. "I took a leaf out of the Ancients' book and looked into ascension. And now," he gave Rodney a savage grin, "I'm going to make you pay for what you did to me and mine!"
One of the arms of light stabbed out and thrust itself into Rodney's forehead, and the pain was so intense that Rodney barely noticed Shaylindra slipping away.
* * *
5.
John was in the mess, glaring at the glass of orange juice in front of him, which he might as well drink now that he no longer had Rodney, when his earpiece crackled and it was her. He didn't want to hear it, but his ear tuned in automatically when she said, Kolya and ascension and Rodney. John's blood ran cold, and he was out of the mess supernaturally fast.
Over the radio, John could hear Zelenka's voice saying, "There is no way to stop such an energy being! Ele merece a morrer. Então o seu trabalho será mina!"
But Zelenka was wrong. John knew a way, and even if he'd lost Rodney forever, it would still be worth risking everything to save him!
John dashed out onto the pier, running full tilt towards Kolya and Rodney.
Koyla saw him immediately, and he smiled, stabbing another glowing tentacle into Rodney's body. Rodney screamed. John saw red.
"Let him go, or I'll kill you," John said.
Kolya laughed. "And how do you plan to do that?" he said.
"The usual way," said John, and let the dark need to ravish Rodney and claim him as his own take over, rushing through his body and rippling along his skin, until he was standing on the pier in his real form -- the cool dawn breeze ruffling his mane, his powerful flanks powering him towards his target. John lowered his head, aiming his horn right at Kolya's ascended heart, knowing the magic in it would destroy any evil it touched.
Kolya's eyes widened as he realised that he was in danger, and he swung Rodney around so that he was directly in John's path! John tried to slow, but his momentum was too great.
And then Shaylindra was there! Pushing Rodney aside and out of harm's way!
John's skidded the last few inches forward, his horn piercing Shaylindra, passing through her, and stabbing into Koyla.
"Curse you!" Kolya shrieked, "Don't think this is the end, Sheppard!" He writhed on the end of John's horn, and then exploded into a puff of spangly dust.
Dr Shaylindra, her ash-blonde hair waving a little in the breeze, took one last gasping breath and reached out to touch John's mane. "Rodney loves you so much," she whispered. "Be good to him." And then she closed her eyes and disappeared in a flash of white light.
John felt a terrible regret for having judged her so harshly.
"John?" Rodney said weakly, staring up at him from where he was lying sprawled on the deck. "Is that really you?"
John lowered his head and gently touched Rodney with his horn, healing the wounds Koyla had made in his mind. Then he changed back into his human shape before sadly turning and walking away, knowing that Rodney couldn't want him now that John's terrible secret had been exposed.
6.
Rodney knew he wasn't good enough for John; he'd known all along, although it had been nice to pretend for a while. But then his terrible failure to hold off his orgasm until John's command had driven the point home: he was hopelessly outclassed.
And now he knew why. John was even more special than Rodney had dreamed. He was a unicorn! It almost wasn't a surprise, because John had always been so magical -- just a little too good to be entirely human. Rodney would remember the rippling power of John's body as it changed into that glorious equine form for the rest of his life. He would do anything to touch John's mane, just once.
That wasn't why he was standing outside John's door, however. He was there to make sure John knew his secret was safe. Rodney would never tell. And if this was the last time he got to have an intimate conversation with John... well. He'd just learn to live with the loss. Reluctantly, he pressed the chime.
The door slid open, and all Rodney's assurances dried up on his tongue. John was standing there with just a towel wrapped around his waist, and beads of water dripping down his chest. John seemed just as tongue-tied, as though he hadn't expected Rodney to be the one outside his door, and they stared at each other for a long moment.
Rodney wasn't sure what happened next, but the door was sliding shut behind him and they were kissing and kissing like they'd never get enough of each other.
"Mine," John growled, as though it was that simple; as though he didn't care that Rodney wasn't good enough; as though Rodney was everything to him.
Rodney went instantly hard. "Yes," he said, "yours," and he shivered with the memory of John's powerful flanks and the way they'd shone silver in the dawn light. He found himself confessing, demanding: "Ride me, take me, make me yours."
And John kissed him again before pushing him down on the bed, saying with an affectionate smile at odds with the strength of his body, "Oh, Rodney. Yes, yes, I'll ride you like you've never been ridden before. From now on, you'll always be my little pony."
finis
* * *
Final note: I told you! But did you listen? Oh, noooo. Well, I hope you're happy now. *hands out sporks and brainbleach*
ETA: Once again all your comments have totally cracked me up. You're just encouraging me. You do realise that?