Loving till it all collides (Drabble)
Title: Loving till it all collides
Pairing: Donghae/Hyukjae
Genre: Angst, Romance
Rating: PG-13
Summary: You run headlong in love and you find that you’ll collide instead. But even apart, you’re attracted, doomed to do it over, and over again. So, try and try and try and try.
[A/N: No, I’m not dead. I’ve just been busy with real life and school and stuff. Also, been trying to finish up Cherem because, ugh, I shall finish it even though everyone’s probably forgotten all about it by now except for those few. Anyway, I just needed to finish something before I went mad. Inspired by P!NK’s brilliant song ‘Try’. So cheers.]
He stood alone on the balcony, arms up, leaning against the cold metal railing. There was the slow patter of water on the metal, but the night sky was as clear as day, the full moon mocking from above as Hyukjae’s mind went through all the whys.
It had started off all innocently enough. Dinner together after a busy schedule. Donghae had bought take-out - Hyukjae’s favourite, and short of cooking it himself and totally ruining it after which they could laugh it off and going together to get the takeaway in the end, it was entirely romantic. Or would be, if it didn’t feel like an apology.
Apology for what? Hyukjae didn’t know. Hyukjae stopped keeping track. For not having enough time for each other. For having those how many arguments over the netizens comments, the constant fear, the numerous scandals. For looking oh so good with that female so-and-so actress, singer, whatever. For the fights, the angry scratches and territory marks that came with angry make-up sex that was more anger than sex. For the possibility that maybe Donghae finally realized how much better he was than Hyukjae and he was leaving. Whatever it was, Hyukjae didn’t have the guts to ask. So, it was eating into him like acid ate into cement tiles. So, it was like a huge saucepan boiling to an overflow, and one small tip would bring it all coming down all the faster.
So, Hyukjae just stood back and watched it bubbled, spluttering into the fire, spitting out angry hisses and steam so hot it could burn the flesh off ones bones.
Maybe he shouted first. Maybe Donghae did. He wasn’t sure. He just wasn’t sure anymore.
Donghae was the nicest man Hyukjae had ever known, and maybe that’s what made it hurt so much. What kind of twisted freak was he that he made Lee Donghae, cheerfulness personified, snarl at him in anger, grabbing his arm and twisting, whispering hot hurtful words of slander while meanwhile the hurt shining in his eyes screamed for Hyukjae to get the hell out.
Hyukjae had run. It hadn’t been the first time.
Now he screamed at himself for the reason he had and came up with none but imperfections and cowardice.
He hated this. All of this. Most of all he hated himself. Sure, Donghae had hurt him, Donghae had marked the bruises on his skin and on his heart, but only because Hyukjae had put them on Donghae first.
So wrapped up in his misery was he that he didn’t hear the balcony door swing open and the sound of soft footsteps sounding, quieting, before sounding again. He didn’t realize until it was too late and a hand wrapped a tight grip around his arm.
He let out a wordless yell, because he knew that his assailant could be no other than Donghae. He tried to pull away, only to have the grip tightened and that was the last of it he could take. Spinning around, he tried to wrench away, but Donghae grabbed his other arm, slamming him against the balcony wall, trying to make sure he wouldn’t escape.
The metal railing bit into his back, the coldness of it, made colder by his tears bit into his heart. He snarled, kicked, bit or tried to, but Donghae held on, regardless of whatever insult Hyukjae hurled at him.
They stayed that way for the longest time, until Hyukjae lost the strength in him to put up a mock fighting, leaning against Donghae like he had always wanted to. And Donghae leaned back, supporting each other like a tower built from a deck of cards.
“I love you.” Donghae whispered, letting go of the tight grip on Donghae’s arm, gathering Hyukjae into his embrace like he was the most precious thing in the world. How he did that, Hyukjae didn’t know. For all his newfound fame, it was all bluster, a sparkly clown mask to hide the insecurity that had always been there. Just another rock in their path together perhaps. Donghae might see to knock it off the road, but it would always come back when it was least expected, blown by the wind, kicked back on my wild animals - to be a probable cause to hurt, to trip, to maim.
But today it was inconsequential, even if Hyukjae couldn’t believe it. But of course, what was a rock when they needed to conquer a moutain they tried to conquer before only to fail, tumbling off so many times, rolling down all the way so that they needed to backtrack even just to try again.
“I love you too.” Hyukjae whispered back. His palms hurt, clenching so hard into Donghae’s shirt, the cold sweat making it hard to cling. But he felt as if, if he were to ever let go, Donghae would slip from his grasp.
But Donghae, oh sweet Donghae. Donghae reached up, and unhooked Hyukjae’s claws from his back. But instead of bolting, he gently smoothed over the claws until they were palms, relaxing the clenched muscles until they no longer even twitched in memory of their previous action. He waited until Hyukjae’s eyes could no longer avoid his own, waited until Hyukjae acknowledged what this was. That Hyukjae was no longer clinging but Donghae was still here. He was no longer clinging, instead, Donghae was there, holding on with equal measure.
The tears burned like raw vanilla - terribly bittersweet. Hyukjae finally asked the question that he’d so dreaded asking. “Why?”
“Because we love each other,” was Donghae’s answer to a perplexed Hyukjae. “We love each other too much.”
Hyukjae shook his head, slowly like it could make him understand. “I don’t understand.”
“We love each other so much that it’s like two rocks colliding with each other at high speed. The greater the speed, the harder the collision, the farther apart the rocks are thrown.” Donghae reached up, cupping Hyukjae’s cheek and making him struggling to keep himself from succumbing to the feelings of tenderness. “And so we love each other so much we try to get back together again, but we run so hard and so fast that history just repeats itself, and we hurt each other once again.”
Hyukjae smiled. Trust Donghae to come up with an analogy like that. “I see, so we love each other until we collide. But what if one day, we hit each other so hard, one or the both of us fall completely apart?”
“I don’t know.” Donghae answered. His eyes were naked, hiding nothing. Now was not the time for sweet assurances that were just effective as poisonous lies. “Maybe we’ll kill each other. Maybe one of us will leave the other completely broken, to fall to pieces on his own. Or maybe he’ll turn around to pick up the pieces. I don’t know. But I’ll be damned if I let all the ‘maybes’ stand in our way. We don’t know if we don’t keep trying.”
“Even if the trying is what’s breaking us?” Hyukjae asked.
The answer Donghae gave was like soft drops of water on dry parched earth. Maybe it was tinged with the dirt and blood of mistakes and brutal honesty. But it was hope nevertheless.
“Yes. Even then. I’ll keep running hard towards you, again and again, until it all collides.”
~*~
Where there is desire there is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die
You got to get up and Try, Try,Try
- Try
Pairing: Donghae/Hyukjae
Genre: Angst, Romance
Rating: PG-13
Summary: You run headlong in love and you find that you’ll collide instead. But even apart, you’re attracted, doomed to do it over, and over again. So, try and try and try and try.
[A/N: No, I’m not dead. I’ve just been busy with real life and school and stuff. Also, been trying to finish up Cherem because, ugh, I shall finish it even though everyone’s probably forgotten all about it by now except for those few. Anyway, I just needed to finish something before I went mad. Inspired by P!NK’s brilliant song ‘Try’. So cheers.]
He stood alone on the balcony, arms up, leaning against the cold metal railing. There was the slow patter of water on the metal, but the night sky was as clear as day, the full moon mocking from above as Hyukjae’s mind went through all the whys.
It had started off all innocently enough. Dinner together after a busy schedule. Donghae had bought take-out - Hyukjae’s favourite, and short of cooking it himself and totally ruining it after which they could laugh it off and going together to get the takeaway in the end, it was entirely romantic. Or would be, if it didn’t feel like an apology.
Apology for what? Hyukjae didn’t know. Hyukjae stopped keeping track. For not having enough time for each other. For having those how many arguments over the netizens comments, the constant fear, the numerous scandals. For looking oh so good with that female so-and-so actress, singer, whatever. For the fights, the angry scratches and territory marks that came with angry make-up sex that was more anger than sex. For the possibility that maybe Donghae finally realized how much better he was than Hyukjae and he was leaving. Whatever it was, Hyukjae didn’t have the guts to ask. So, it was eating into him like acid ate into cement tiles. So, it was like a huge saucepan boiling to an overflow, and one small tip would bring it all coming down all the faster.
So, Hyukjae just stood back and watched it bubbled, spluttering into the fire, spitting out angry hisses and steam so hot it could burn the flesh off ones bones.
Maybe he shouted first. Maybe Donghae did. He wasn’t sure. He just wasn’t sure anymore.
Donghae was the nicest man Hyukjae had ever known, and maybe that’s what made it hurt so much. What kind of twisted freak was he that he made Lee Donghae, cheerfulness personified, snarl at him in anger, grabbing his arm and twisting, whispering hot hurtful words of slander while meanwhile the hurt shining in his eyes screamed for Hyukjae to get the hell out.
Hyukjae had run. It hadn’t been the first time.
Now he screamed at himself for the reason he had and came up with none but imperfections and cowardice.
He hated this. All of this. Most of all he hated himself. Sure, Donghae had hurt him, Donghae had marked the bruises on his skin and on his heart, but only because Hyukjae had put them on Donghae first.
So wrapped up in his misery was he that he didn’t hear the balcony door swing open and the sound of soft footsteps sounding, quieting, before sounding again. He didn’t realize until it was too late and a hand wrapped a tight grip around his arm.
He let out a wordless yell, because he knew that his assailant could be no other than Donghae. He tried to pull away, only to have the grip tightened and that was the last of it he could take. Spinning around, he tried to wrench away, but Donghae grabbed his other arm, slamming him against the balcony wall, trying to make sure he wouldn’t escape.
The metal railing bit into his back, the coldness of it, made colder by his tears bit into his heart. He snarled, kicked, bit or tried to, but Donghae held on, regardless of whatever insult Hyukjae hurled at him.
They stayed that way for the longest time, until Hyukjae lost the strength in him to put up a mock fighting, leaning against Donghae like he had always wanted to. And Donghae leaned back, supporting each other like a tower built from a deck of cards.
“I love you.” Donghae whispered, letting go of the tight grip on Donghae’s arm, gathering Hyukjae into his embrace like he was the most precious thing in the world. How he did that, Hyukjae didn’t know. For all his newfound fame, it was all bluster, a sparkly clown mask to hide the insecurity that had always been there. Just another rock in their path together perhaps. Donghae might see to knock it off the road, but it would always come back when it was least expected, blown by the wind, kicked back on my wild animals - to be a probable cause to hurt, to trip, to maim.
But today it was inconsequential, even if Hyukjae couldn’t believe it. But of course, what was a rock when they needed to conquer a moutain they tried to conquer before only to fail, tumbling off so many times, rolling down all the way so that they needed to backtrack even just to try again.
“I love you too.” Hyukjae whispered back. His palms hurt, clenching so hard into Donghae’s shirt, the cold sweat making it hard to cling. But he felt as if, if he were to ever let go, Donghae would slip from his grasp.
But Donghae, oh sweet Donghae. Donghae reached up, and unhooked Hyukjae’s claws from his back. But instead of bolting, he gently smoothed over the claws until they were palms, relaxing the clenched muscles until they no longer even twitched in memory of their previous action. He waited until Hyukjae’s eyes could no longer avoid his own, waited until Hyukjae acknowledged what this was. That Hyukjae was no longer clinging but Donghae was still here. He was no longer clinging, instead, Donghae was there, holding on with equal measure.
The tears burned like raw vanilla - terribly bittersweet. Hyukjae finally asked the question that he’d so dreaded asking. “Why?”
“Because we love each other,” was Donghae’s answer to a perplexed Hyukjae. “We love each other too much.”
Hyukjae shook his head, slowly like it could make him understand. “I don’t understand.”
“We love each other so much that it’s like two rocks colliding with each other at high speed. The greater the speed, the harder the collision, the farther apart the rocks are thrown.” Donghae reached up, cupping Hyukjae’s cheek and making him struggling to keep himself from succumbing to the feelings of tenderness. “And so we love each other so much we try to get back together again, but we run so hard and so fast that history just repeats itself, and we hurt each other once again.”
Hyukjae smiled. Trust Donghae to come up with an analogy like that. “I see, so we love each other until we collide. But what if one day, we hit each other so hard, one or the both of us fall completely apart?”
“I don’t know.” Donghae answered. His eyes were naked, hiding nothing. Now was not the time for sweet assurances that were just effective as poisonous lies. “Maybe we’ll kill each other. Maybe one of us will leave the other completely broken, to fall to pieces on his own. Or maybe he’ll turn around to pick up the pieces. I don’t know. But I’ll be damned if I let all the ‘maybes’ stand in our way. We don’t know if we don’t keep trying.”
“Even if the trying is what’s breaking us?” Hyukjae asked.
The answer Donghae gave was like soft drops of water on dry parched earth. Maybe it was tinged with the dirt and blood of mistakes and brutal honesty. But it was hope nevertheless.
“Yes. Even then. I’ll keep running hard towards you, again and again, until it all collides.”
~*~
Where there is desire there is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die
You got to get up and Try, Try,Try
- Try