You can call me Al.
There comes a time when you reflect back on your year and your life. Most people do that at New Years Eve and get all nostalgic then. I prefer to enjoy the party and sit back at that point. I find myself reflecting now though.
A lot has changed in the past year, some of it for the better, and some of it has changed, but in the end reverted back to the way things were. I don't mean to sound cryptic, but... people always say things can go up from here. But up is a pretty funny direction when you sit and think about it. Though I suppose any word is funny if you sit and think about it long enough.
I went back into freekybitz awhile ago and read some stuff there. From random parts of that journal. Good things, bad things, indifferent bland things. I think I'm still trying to find me, but at the same time, this is all me, and who I am choosing to be. I can't change that, and I don't want anyone to change that for me.
I think back to silly things, like in 8th grade I won the award for Ms. Sunshine, because I always had a smile on my face. Life's gotten pretty jaded since then. But I've also grown up a lot, no one can stay 14 forever. There are things I find myself doing that I don't like. Getting upset over things that I shouldn't really even be bothered with. And I know they shouldn't bother me when I get upset over them, but it still happens, and I can't change that over night. The one thing I always think of when I find myself down that road is be aware of the decisions you make. Some will be good, some will be bad, we all make mistakes, but accept them. Those words have been embedded into my brain for almost 3 years now. Somehow it feels like forever.
What I find myself doing is taking other peoples decisions and trying to get them to realize the outcome. I'm not saying I'm a prophecy, or that I can predict the future, but my brain works in a far different manner than the average 23 year old. But I need to stop doing that. I need to stop making everyone else's problems my own. And I'm not sure how to do that yet. Still.
I've been changing a lot since I've made this journal, and I've changed a lot since I've really truly updated freekybitz. Part of me is satisfied with that, and part of me isn't. In a way, I feel like I still ran away, from a lot of things, by creating this journal. I had a talk with one of my dearest friends last night. And we realized we have one major thing in common. The way we handle things when we are upset. I'm not quite sure if this journal is a result of that or not. I know my excuses for making it, but hindsight is 20/20. There will always be things I want to change, but it's up to me to change them and follow through with them. And the things I can change, are only things about myself. And that there, is the thing I need to work on changing the most. And believing the most. If I can't deal with people the way they are, then I need to accept that.
There is something that I need to get out there as well. Cute boy is a major dork. Huge dork in fact. And I know that. It's one of the things that I truly do like about him. Because his dorkiness, brings out more and more of the old Shilo, the one that cracked jokes constantly, the one that had a smile on her face all the time. And I need that. I need that now more than I've needed that in a long time. Nothing sucks more than the thought of losing yourself. And lately, I've found myself getting back to the person I was before I realized I needed to wake up and make a change. Because that wasn't who I wanted to be. I don't want to be irritable all the time, I don't want to feel like I can't do something on my own, and most of all, I want to be smiling before I think about it and put a smile on my face. Someone called me McGiggles last night. And I miss that. I miss that a lot more than I realized I did.
So this is why I haven't updated for real for a long while. I've been formulating all of that in my head. And to go against the grain of the most disturbing church sign I have ever seen: "May your troubles last as long as your new years resolution" (yes I really saw that, and yes, I really did freak out about it at the time), I will tell you guys what my new years resolution has been for the past three and a half weeks. Or rather both of them:
1. Read a corny joke a day.
2. Be aware that the only person you can change is yourself.
And Yes, I have made this public.