A series of you and me [CHAPTER 19]
Title: A series of you and me
Chapters: 19/?
Genre: Angst. Romance. Smut.
Warnings: Angst.
Ratings: PG-13
Pairings: AoixUruha (others?) - ReitaxRuki (?)
Disclaimer: I only own my imagination ♪
Synopsis: Kouyou finds his life ruled by the glimpses of him he can see.
Comments: If there are still some lost souls reading this...Thank you.
A shamisen playing, its heartbreaking melody echoing in the large and purely white hospital room.
Her eyes had lost their light, riveted to the side of the window, dreaming of being as free as those clouds up in the sky. The azur colour in the background was hurting her feelings. How could it be so beautiful when all she felt was sorrow?
But she couldn't even find any strength left in her legs to help her stand up and close the curtains.
Even that, she couldn't.
There was no desire anymore for this life, within. She had stopped fighting for so long now that she felt in a sort of lethargy and whenever the pain was overwhelming in her body, she always begged for Death to come and embrace her sweetly.
This life was not worth living anymore.
They were applausing.
She raised her eyes toward the TV. A new song was beginning. An old and traditional japanese song she had learnt when she was young. The koto began playing...
And she sang along with that melody known by most of Japanese people.
桜 桜野山も里も見渡す限り霞か雲か朝日に匂う桜 桜花ざかりCherry blossoms, cherry blossoms,In fields and villagesAs far as you can see.Is it a mist, or clouds?Fragrant in the morning sun.Cherry blossoms, cherry blossoms,Flowers in full bloom.
Her black hair was longer than in the past, her skin was still pale and her lips were still a pretty pink shade. Even the wrinkles couldn't erase her beauty.
Kouyou didn't want to interrupt her. Her singing voice was a sweet melody to his ears, it reminded him of when he was young and still her cute baby son. Yuu's warm hand reassured him through gentle strokes given to his back. He pressed his lips tight and made a step forward.
Her voice faded and they drown into each other's eyes, silently, the charm of the koto working on their suffering souls.
- You would sing this song when you were preparing dinner back then...It meant you were in a good mood.
She closed her eyes. From where he was, Yuu was sure he had seen something sparkling on her cheek.
- Where's uncle?
It didn't seem like she would talk. She was so surprised by Kouyou's visit she had lost her voice.
Kouyou came closer, his eyes for the TV. He admired the geisha playing the koto, her delicate hands stroking so preciously the instrument...
- I don't know.
Kouyou looked back at her with a small smile and she thought her heart would stop on this instant. But it kept on, it beat and beat because her whole life was right in front of her eyes.
Her true love. Her pride. Her son.
Yuu quietly went out of the hospital room, closed the door and leaned against it, confident that Kouyou would sort things out without his help. After all these years, they needed their privacy. He was staring at the tiles on the floor when he noticed a silhouette not far from him, immobile. When he raised his head, he recognised the shape of this nose, the same this woman on her hospital bed had, the same one a man standing right next to her had, too.
Kouyou's uncle.
The man seemed to be in his 40's. He bowed politely to Yuu. The dark haired returned the respectful greeting and said, with a smile:
- Kouyou's in. I didn't want to disturb them so, I'm waiting here. I'm...
He hesitated and finally declared:
- I'm a friend of him. Shiroyama. Shiroyama Yuu.
He bowed to the man.
- Nice to meet you. I'm Kouyou's uncle and brother of her mother. Kenichi Takashima.
Ah...So Kouyou kept his mother's family name...
A nurse who was around offered them politely to bring two chairs from the office so they could wait sitting instead of just standing there for a long time. Yuu found that Kouyou's uncle was very intelligent, he was an enginer. Since his sister had become sick, he had taken a break from work. His everydays were rhythmed by the visits to his sister, by a lot of pain and sadness too. Her state wasn't progressing much, it was even worst days after days.
- What decided Kouyou to come?
Yuu thought for few seconds, looking at the can of coffee the other had brought him:
- I helped a little I think. But Kouyou reached a point where he's at a dead-end. If he doesn't make the move to see his mother, he's rushing his own despair and it might end suddenly for him too.
His uncle nodded, worried. Yuu continued.
- I told him everything that happened to me. When I lost my mother, I couldn't forgive myself at first. Even if she died from a sickness, I felt highly responsible. I was only a kid and all I could find was to blame myself for not being a man yet. In a way, I tried to convince Kouyou not to become like me. I didn't want to see him take all the blame by himself for a life he never wanted. With all my respect sir, I think that Kouyou's mother's got some responsabilities too. Kouyou would have never run away from her otherwise. I told him that he had to face her, even if it was the last time. Because there is no bigger destructive pain than to regret something.
Kenichi smiled sadly and stared at Yuu's troubled profile. He put a hand on his shoulder and stroked it, gently, like a father:
- You are very mature. You told him the right things, things, I, as his uncle, couldn't even say. Thank you.
Yuu didn't want to talk now that he had emptied his heart to this man. The feeling of warmth invading his chest was too pure.
- Kouyou's lucky to have you around. Very lucky.
- You're such a gorgeous man Kou-chan.
The blond smiled and took a sit next to her bed. The koto had stopped playing and Kouyou tried to see if the trees outside were developing buds yet.
- And you're still the most beautiful woman for me.
He didn't want to hurt her. He could feel the resentment, the grudge he was bearing inside, but, there was something in this instant that was suffocating his dark feelings. He didn't want to stay like this forever.
- I'm here to talk to you about everything that happened to us. I need to let it out because if I don't, I might destroy myself for good. And you need it too because, look where you are. Look at your cheek bones, how much we can see them...
She was on the edge of tears.
- I know...
Kouyou took her hand:
- A lot of time has passed since my 18th birthday. Seven years.
- I've missed you all this time.
Kouyou looked away, at the taller tree he could see in the park of the hospital.
- You hurt me so much all these years. So much that I couldn't stay anymore.
She let it fall. The first tear.
- I never asked to be brought on this planet. I never asked to look like him. I never said I had all responsability about your ruined life. I'm sorry, mom, that all I ever was to you...A burden...
She yelled.
- No! Never! You never were a burden to me Kou-chan! Never!
Kouyou could feel the anger inside:
- Then why? Why did you treat me so badly? Why?
Her son looked so emotional it worried her.
- It was to hurt myself.
Kouyou looked at her, desperate.
- I hurt myself. When I was being cruel to you, I was only punishing myself for believing this man I was seeing through you. But never doubt about my love for you. I know what I did was absolutely terrible...But...You have his blood and mine entwined within you. At that time we loved each other deeply, passionately. I was only a teen when I discovered I was pregnant from you. I was 17. And everybody around abandoned me. My family, my friends, him. Everybody. I think I let out my anger all my life on the wrong person. On you. When in fact, you were all I had. Uncle Kenichi had left home for a year when it happened. He took me with him in his little studio and took care of you and me when I gave you birth. Until now, he's here.
Kouyou was crying, his face immobile, the tears falling helplessly.
- I lost my life when I lost you. I lost my everything. That's when I realised all the bad I've been doing to you. I wanted to control you because, I hadn't been able to control my own life since I was 17. To control whether you should be happy or sad. About that...I will always bear its regret until I'll be rotting in my coffin. I tried to die to punish myself, I tried so, you would be happy. My death would have meant that you would be free from your suffering too.
Kouyou shook his head, crushed:
- It's not the solution! The solution to this is what we are doing now!
Her grip around his hand tightened:
- I'm ready to do everything you want me to. If you want me dead, I'll disappear. To compensate for the horrible mother I have been to you, I'm ready to listen to your wishes.
Kouyou took her in a hug, cried his heart out in her arms like he should have been able to do all the time something sad had crossed his path, all of his life. He heard her cry too and asked, in need to be in peace with himself, in burning desire to finally find happiness with his mom and with his daily life:
- I want you to be here like the mother you should have been to me. I want you to have faith in me, I want you to let me go without the fear of me abandoning you. Children aren't born to spend their lifetime around their parents. They are born to accomplish their own life and parents should be here, in the shadow, watching over them with confidence and affection. That's how you should live from now. Live for yourself and be here when I need your embrace. That's all I ask. All I wish.
She sobbed and held this man tight. He wasn't like his father, he wasn't like that family, those friends who all gave up on her. He was here.
He would always be here until she would finally take her rest.
- I love you Kou-chan.
He couldn't reply. Not yet. But his tears wetting her hospital blouse was enough of a proof.
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H O L I D A Y S ♥
I hope you all enjoy the winter break :) I'll try to write a oneshot for Christmas, otherwise, I'll just update another story :) Thanks for the ones still reading me!